This Thing Ain't No Joke
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I met with my director today to tell her I really can't work with this manager any more. She was supportive, acknowledging my mental health has to come first. She would also like to keep me around, and signalled that there is potentially a job opening up soon that I could move into. Just waiting for a resignation that may or may not come. I mentioned another job that's been posted on a different team - she thinks that manager would jump at the chance to have me on his team. So I will apply for that and she will let me know if this other job comes open in the meantime.
Trying not to think of this as 'giving up,' but I also know it will feel really great to get out of this current boggy situation.
I still never drink now - best to keep it that way.
Trying not to think of this as 'giving up,' but I also know it will feel really great to get out of this current boggy situation.
I still never drink now - best to keep it that way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 185
I'm impressed. This is exactly what a healthy individual does to self-advocate.
A few years ago, I had a horrible boss. A bully, egomaniac, a liar, hated women. All the things. a
I wish I'd'a said "No. Not going to do this. Not worth it." I didn't; instead I just suffered. Badly. Put my head down and got through one day at a time.
Your way is much, much better! Well done.
A few years ago, I had a horrible boss. A bully, egomaniac, a liar, hated women. All the things. a
I wish I'd'a said "No. Not going to do this. Not worth it." I didn't; instead I just suffered. Badly. Put my head down and got through one day at a time.
Your way is much, much better! Well done.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm doing a shameful little ego-fueled smug dance. My manager worked with our mutual customers on a project without involving me. She gave me a bit of an overview at the end of the project. To which I responded pretty much, *shrug*. That's a success for me. Better yet (this is the shameful part), the thing she did caused a minor explosion. She's out of the office, and it was easily handled, but not without a blow-up or two on the customer end. The department director called my late in the day to try to ask who was managing this project and why we didn't discuss it during our regular meetings? I answered, quite honestly, that I didn't know who was managing it. She said, "but your boss was involved, right?" Which I answered in the affirmative. Nuff said.
On the other hand (or is it the other foot?), I'm doing a giddy dance of relief. Middlest has suffered her second crisis in as many weeks - I took her to the ER in both instances. On this second trip, someone deduced that the medications being prescribed to her were exacerbating her mental health issues. Today, they've transferred her to a really good psych hospital to get her stabilized on more appropriate meds. Thank God and all of the universe. She was in a really bad place and I'm sure she is enormously relieved that there is a reason she got there - and it wasn't her fault. (Of course she thought it was her fault and she was just stupid.) I'm thinking now that the truly horrifying uptick in her drinking over the past several months was an (unknown to her) attempt to counter what the medication was doing to her brain. Though I've come to believe that praying for a specific outcome is trying to direct things at a level way higher than my pay grade, I do allow myself at times to pray "please help." It worked? I wouldn't presume to think so, but anyhow, that prayer has been answered.
She was terrified that all of this would send me into remorse so terrible that I would need to drink. I was able to confidently assure her that nothing she does will ever be a reason for me to drink and that I know where to get my support when I need it. And I told her that I do feel remorseful. But the only way I can try to balance the scales is to be there for her when she needs me. I am so very grateful that I was able to do just that.
On the other hand (or is it the other foot?), I'm doing a giddy dance of relief. Middlest has suffered her second crisis in as many weeks - I took her to the ER in both instances. On this second trip, someone deduced that the medications being prescribed to her were exacerbating her mental health issues. Today, they've transferred her to a really good psych hospital to get her stabilized on more appropriate meds. Thank God and all of the universe. She was in a really bad place and I'm sure she is enormously relieved that there is a reason she got there - and it wasn't her fault. (Of course she thought it was her fault and she was just stupid.) I'm thinking now that the truly horrifying uptick in her drinking over the past several months was an (unknown to her) attempt to counter what the medication was doing to her brain. Though I've come to believe that praying for a specific outcome is trying to direct things at a level way higher than my pay grade, I do allow myself at times to pray "please help." It worked? I wouldn't presume to think so, but anyhow, that prayer has been answered.
She was terrified that all of this would send me into remorse so terrible that I would need to drink. I was able to confidently assure her that nothing she does will ever be a reason for me to drink and that I know where to get my support when I need it. And I told her that I do feel remorseful. But the only way I can try to balance the scales is to be there for her when she needs me. I am so very grateful that I was able to do just that.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I am in a place where I'm ready to quit that job that I always claimed I loved.
You know what I loved? Those several sprints of autonomy that I had over the course of my 16 years with the organization. The ones where people threw a problem at me that no one else wanted to handle - and I handled the living daylights out of it, making fans of my customers along the way. I don't get those opportunities anymore. I'm stuck working for a group of people that are entrenched in their way because entrenchment is most comfortable for them.
It is not good that I crawled back into bed at 6am this morning thinking "I could just sleep for another 2 hours," and I did. I mean, I'm not upset about it, but that is not a good sign. I didn't revel in sleeping a couple of more hours, it was absolutely avoidance. It's not good that I am turning sardonic many times during the workday. It is not good that I feel silenced, unappreciated, and without agency to do the things I do best.
So I've put a few applications out into the ether of the faceless nameless internet world. Maybe something will happen. Maybe it won't.
Maybe I'll figure out an exit plan so that I can just stopping working altogether. I think I could actually pull that off now if I hadn't decided to maintain a home in Maryland. And that's ok. But if I want to bi-locate between here and where my extended family is, that's another expense I wasn't counting on.
Maybe something will happen.
What's not happening is drinking. So that's good.
The state of Obladi is stasis, or maybe chrysalis.
Time will tell.
You know what I loved? Those several sprints of autonomy that I had over the course of my 16 years with the organization. The ones where people threw a problem at me that no one else wanted to handle - and I handled the living daylights out of it, making fans of my customers along the way. I don't get those opportunities anymore. I'm stuck working for a group of people that are entrenched in their way because entrenchment is most comfortable for them.
It is not good that I crawled back into bed at 6am this morning thinking "I could just sleep for another 2 hours," and I did. I mean, I'm not upset about it, but that is not a good sign. I didn't revel in sleeping a couple of more hours, it was absolutely avoidance. It's not good that I am turning sardonic many times during the workday. It is not good that I feel silenced, unappreciated, and without agency to do the things I do best.
So I've put a few applications out into the ether of the faceless nameless internet world. Maybe something will happen. Maybe it won't.
Maybe I'll figure out an exit plan so that I can just stopping working altogether. I think I could actually pull that off now if I hadn't decided to maintain a home in Maryland. And that's ok. But if I want to bi-locate between here and where my extended family is, that's another expense I wasn't counting on.
Maybe something will happen.
What's not happening is drinking. So that's good.
The state of Obladi is stasis, or maybe chrysalis.
Time will tell.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
What's good is that I woke up this morning with determination to Do Things, which is something I mostly did not do all weekend. I wasn't wallowing exactly, but living on the edge of the greyness. I mean, I actually used sleep to get through the day yesterday. Napped for a couple of hours in the afternoon, climbed into bed around 7pm, couldn't sleep yet, and just existed for another couple of hours until I could legitimately take my night meds... There's nothing that could have brought me any closer to my drinking self than to actually consume booze. I didn't do that part, but can not say I didn't even consider it. The good part is that thoughts of drinking lasted no longer than perhaps a nanosecond before I discarded them. No vehement cries like, "Hell No!" or "Shuddup, beast!" Just something more like, "Yeah.... no."
So I got dressed first thing, took the dog out, and here I am writing to y'all. That's better. Reminder to self: being the person I want to be actually requires concerted effort.
Middlest is hanging in there. Miserable with her new meds, but the psychiatrist assured her that this is pretty much how it goes for the first weeks. So she's going on faith. Plus the reasoning that feeling sick all of the time is preferable to feeling suicidal. It's a health of a choice, I think - but one I fully endorse.
Spoke with my director Friday to tell her I'm seeking employment elsewhere. She said she fully supports that exploration and also told me that the position she previously mentioned just opened up. I'll set up some time with that manager to discuss the opening - that person has partnered with me previously and we've both enjoyed the experience. So that's hopeful. Additionally, I'm meeting with a recruiter about a position with a different outfit. Something will happen.
I most certainly understand/internalize the sentiment, "trudging the road of happy destiny." Trudge - what a good word.
So I got dressed first thing, took the dog out, and here I am writing to y'all. That's better. Reminder to self: being the person I want to be actually requires concerted effort.
Middlest is hanging in there. Miserable with her new meds, but the psychiatrist assured her that this is pretty much how it goes for the first weeks. So she's going on faith. Plus the reasoning that feeling sick all of the time is preferable to feeling suicidal. It's a health of a choice, I think - but one I fully endorse.
Spoke with my director Friday to tell her I'm seeking employment elsewhere. She said she fully supports that exploration and also told me that the position she previously mentioned just opened up. I'll set up some time with that manager to discuss the opening - that person has partnered with me previously and we've both enjoyed the experience. So that's hopeful. Additionally, I'm meeting with a recruiter about a position with a different outfit. Something will happen.
I most certainly understand/internalize the sentiment, "trudging the road of happy destiny." Trudge - what a good word.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey Drops, thanks for asking.
Work is ok. Went live with a fairly significant project last week; that's a big load off my shoulders. I really had the feeling that my manager was waiting to pounce as soon as it all went to shift. Indeed she did give me a scare with a bit of unjustified exclamation points (!!) toward the actual implementation date. But she was wrong ... er, mistaken, so that was quickly settled. (Not without some panic in my heart first, as you might imagine.) I applied for several positions outside of my organization and have interviewed for one. No word back from that group, but it looks like a different institution will likely seek an interview with me this week. I've got a few more irons in the fire and also applied for an internal position for which I am apparently one of the top two contenders. I remind myself that I don't have to leave. I'm working hard, I make good money, I can tolerate my manager from a distance, blah blah blah. I just think change would be a good thing for my self, you know.
Life is good right at this very moment. Only you and a few others know what an astounding thing that is for me to say, so please do a happy dance for me. I saw a psych NP and she started on a low dose of Abilify as an adjuvant to my other anti-depressants. I am happy to report that it is just as helpful as I remembered from when it was previously prescribed. The girls are all safe and they are all willing to communicate with me in one way or another. It doesn't feel like our relationships are strained; they are just mending. We all know how long it takes for wounds to heal the older one gets, and this one is old, right? I've gotten some Christmas decorations up, most of my shopping is done, and the house is almost in a place one would describe as not just tidy, but also 'clean'! The puppy is 8 months old and a ball of 55-lb loving toddler energy. She's napping here on the floor next to me as the sun comes up to add light to my cozy office where a candle is burning and music is playing. What more could I ask?
Work is ok. Went live with a fairly significant project last week; that's a big load off my shoulders. I really had the feeling that my manager was waiting to pounce as soon as it all went to shift. Indeed she did give me a scare with a bit of unjustified exclamation points (!!) toward the actual implementation date. But she was wrong ... er, mistaken, so that was quickly settled. (Not without some panic in my heart first, as you might imagine.) I applied for several positions outside of my organization and have interviewed for one. No word back from that group, but it looks like a different institution will likely seek an interview with me this week. I've got a few more irons in the fire and also applied for an internal position for which I am apparently one of the top two contenders. I remind myself that I don't have to leave. I'm working hard, I make good money, I can tolerate my manager from a distance, blah blah blah. I just think change would be a good thing for my self, you know.
Life is good right at this very moment. Only you and a few others know what an astounding thing that is for me to say, so please do a happy dance for me. I saw a psych NP and she started on a low dose of Abilify as an adjuvant to my other anti-depressants. I am happy to report that it is just as helpful as I remembered from when it was previously prescribed. The girls are all safe and they are all willing to communicate with me in one way or another. It doesn't feel like our relationships are strained; they are just mending. We all know how long it takes for wounds to heal the older one gets, and this one is old, right? I've gotten some Christmas decorations up, most of my shopping is done, and the house is almost in a place one would describe as not just tidy, but also 'clean'! The puppy is 8 months old and a ball of 55-lb loving toddler energy. She's napping here on the floor next to me as the sun comes up to add light to my cozy office where a candle is burning and music is playing. What more could I ask?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 185
Hi everyone!
Snowed in! Today was the first time I remember I didn't have to go anywhere. At ALL. I did make it to the yoga studio for a class (it's just 1/2 mile away) so I could get the creaks and cracks out, but otherwise I watched movies with the kids, made good food, and did some writing. A good day. Wish I didn't want to eat everything in the house, but at least I'm sober!
O, any holiday plans?
Anything else to report from anyone on Team O?
Snowed in! Today was the first time I remember I didn't have to go anywhere. At ALL. I did make it to the yoga studio for a class (it's just 1/2 mile away) so I could get the creaks and cracks out, but otherwise I watched movies with the kids, made good food, and did some writing. A good day. Wish I didn't want to eat everything in the house, but at least I'm sober!
O, any holiday plans?
Anything else to report from anyone on Team O?
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Happy New Year!
Today marks the beginning of my 10th month of continuous sobriety, and I'm doin a-ok.
Work - meh. I still work there, no offers on the horizon though I have put out some applications. Still, I have choices and options - no need to complain about that (though I do, just not today ). All three girls were here for Christmas and it was very nice. Low-key like I most enjoy. They all brought food, so there I experienced the dreaded feeling of obligation only moderately. No blow ups, just a fairly decent time with the three of them and the boyfriend I know best. The dog's growth rate has slowed. She is also just about 9 month's new to this world. 55+ lbs of happy energy who is learning to be a little more behaved. If I play hard with her, she sleeps hard - the best of both worlds. I don't know if I know how to post pictures, but I might try it out later.
The new medication is a life-changer. I was feeling really giddy, kind of shaky on the inside all of the time for the first several weeks. So much so that it sort of scared me - "I shouldn't be feeling this excitement/happiness/energy!" But it's calmed down within the past week, so that's better. The doctor says that I'll continue to level out over the next couple of weeks and then we'll be able to assess next steps. When we met this week, she told me that my symptoms had improved by 20-25% if we go with statistics from my assessments. That seems about right. What a gift!
I've started a journal for the new year. I'm not sure how I will construct it, but I am going to be very thoughtful about it so that I don't become disenchanted with the process. Really, SR has been my journal all of this time. The benefit of this has been that I've been able to write to you all and that once I do, my writings are lost to me. There is nothing I can do to pretty them up, delete them, or otherwise erase what's past. This isn't a goodbye - I'll still be around, but think I now have the capacity to have my own writing physically in my presence. At least I sure hope so. It would be nice to write things down on paper and not feel compelled to destroy whatever that is.
So glad to see you all popping in, broster and others.
Now let's get out there and have the best New Year ever.
Love ya's!
Today marks the beginning of my 10th month of continuous sobriety, and I'm doin a-ok.
Work - meh. I still work there, no offers on the horizon though I have put out some applications. Still, I have choices and options - no need to complain about that (though I do, just not today
). All three girls were here for Christmas and it was very nice. Low-key like I most enjoy. They all brought food, so there I experienced the dreaded feeling of obligation only moderately. No blow ups, just a fairly decent time with the three of them and the boyfriend I know best. The dog's growth rate has slowed. She is also just about 9 month's new to this world. 55+ lbs of happy energy who is learning to be a little more behaved. If I play hard with her, she sleeps hard - the best of both worlds. I don't know if I know how to post pictures, but I might try it out later.The new medication is a life-changer. I was feeling really giddy, kind of shaky on the inside all of the time for the first several weeks. So much so that it sort of scared me - "I shouldn't be feeling this excitement/happiness/energy!" But it's calmed down within the past week, so that's better. The doctor says that I'll continue to level out over the next couple of weeks and then we'll be able to assess next steps. When we met this week, she told me that my symptoms had improved by 20-25% if we go with statistics from my assessments. That seems about right. What a gift!
I've started a journal for the new year. I'm not sure how I will construct it, but I am going to be very thoughtful about it so that I don't become disenchanted with the process. Really, SR has been my journal all of this time. The benefit of this has been that I've been able to write to you all and that once I do, my writings are lost to me. There is nothing I can do to pretty them up, delete them, or otherwise erase what's past. This isn't a goodbye - I'll still be around, but think I now have the capacity to have my own writing physically in my presence. At least I sure hope so. It would be nice to write things down on paper and not feel compelled to destroy whatever that is.
So glad to see you all popping in, broster and others.
Now let's get out there and have the best New Year ever.
Love ya's!
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Explosive things are happening within me. Good things, I believe, but pretty startling nonetheless.
I've been experiencing moments of joy. Yesterday, I was having so much fun playing with the dawg that I got overwhelmed. Heart jumping, breath erratic, feeling slightly like I might just pass out. I had to take a good long break. Isn't it odd to be startled by feeling of happiness? That seems weird to me, but it also seems like it fits right in with my theory of me, if you will.
Reading Five's recollection of the parents' bedroom sparked a revelation, but I forgot it now. Sort of like there was a moment when the shade was lifted and sun was pouring in, but the blind was quickly shut tight. I know it was something that felt like clarity, but that's all. I have dreams like that - where I figure something out with a great big AHA and then promptly forget it. So frustrating. I choose to think it's promising that this is now beginning to happen during waking hours. It's exciting and scary all at the same time.
Just like the internal position for which I previously applied, the message this time was, "You were a great candidate, couldn't have done anything better, would have been great... but we chose to select someone else for the position." On the flip side, I most definitely the top contender for a position with a different hospital. The hiring manager has even given me tips on how to interview with her team. Taking this position will be a significant decrease in salary, but as more than one person who loves me has said, it's worth the trade-off in sobriety and peace of mind. I told my sister last night, "The work will be a breeze - it's like going from being an archival librarian to a filing position." That sounds wonderful - just putting on the music and breezing through the day, puzzling out an occasional riddle along the way - for a decent salary with benefits. I'm going to take it - provided I'm still offered the job after my final interview on Tuesday.
My childhood friend is going through some really difficult life challenges right now. Yesterday, I got to be the one she could lean on. She's always been very crusty on the outside, but she was so crumbly on the inside that it was showing. What an honor to be one of the people she loves most (even if she never says so).
I've been experiencing moments of joy. Yesterday, I was having so much fun playing with the dawg that I got overwhelmed. Heart jumping, breath erratic, feeling slightly like I might just pass out. I had to take a good long break. Isn't it odd to be startled by feeling of happiness? That seems weird to me, but it also seems like it fits right in with my theory of me, if you will.
Reading Five's recollection of the parents' bedroom sparked a revelation, but I forgot it now. Sort of like there was a moment when the shade was lifted and sun was pouring in, but the blind was quickly shut tight. I know it was something that felt like clarity, but that's all. I have dreams like that - where I figure something out with a great big AHA and then promptly forget it. So frustrating. I choose to think it's promising that this is now beginning to happen during waking hours. It's exciting and scary all at the same time.
Just like the internal position for which I previously applied, the message this time was, "You were a great candidate, couldn't have done anything better, would have been great... but we chose to select someone else for the position." On the flip side, I most definitely the top contender for a position with a different hospital. The hiring manager has even given me tips on how to interview with her team. Taking this position will be a significant decrease in salary, but as more than one person who loves me has said, it's worth the trade-off in sobriety and peace of mind. I told my sister last night, "The work will be a breeze - it's like going from being an archival librarian to a filing position." That sounds wonderful - just putting on the music and breezing through the day, puzzling out an occasional riddle along the way - for a decent salary with benefits. I'm going to take it - provided I'm still offered the job after my final interview on Tuesday.
My childhood friend is going through some really difficult life challenges right now. Yesterday, I got to be the one she could lean on. She's always been very crusty on the outside, but she was so crumbly on the inside that it was showing. What an honor to be one of the people she loves most (even if she never says so).
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