This Thing Ain't No Joke
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi my friend, FMN. Thanks so much for stopping by. I'm really appreciative when people take the time to write here.
I'm proud of me, too. At this moment, anyhow.
Yesterday was another story. I heard from middlest via text. She is sad and bitter that we don't have the relationship a mother and daughter should have. And she's not sure if her feelings will ever change about that. I responded that I understand and have no intention to try to change her feelings but I don't know how to make a start with healing if we can't talk. I guess she doesn't either because there was no response to that. It hurts something awful to know that I did this. But I did and I can't rewrite the past. The only thing I can do that gives me a fighting chance is to keep moving forward.
Today is better. I had a good long talk that ran the gamut with eldest. She's called me her friend for years now - I just now finally feel like our relationship actually resembles a true friendship. I think it's hard for her to understand how her acceptance and love for me doesn't somehow offset the distance from the other two. But I don't belabor it - I'm not sure it's something you could understand unless you have multiple children of your own.
The meeting with my prospective new therapist went quite well. She and I have a fair amount of commonality in really key areas. I normally wouldn't have asked a therapist about their own experiences, but it was so important to me that I took the risk of rebuff (which I've experienced in the past). She volunteered that she doesn't usually do much self-disclosure with her patients but she could see that it was important to me. She also had gotten the message that I just wanted to talk first, to see if we were a good fit before we got into things. And so that's how we proceeded, although she normally does a templated assessment for the first meeting. I was a little surprised that I heard from the office manager looking for a copay the next day (I thought the initial consult was always no charge, but maybe not); no matter - it was worth way more than $30 to get the sense that I may have found the next right person. We're going to meet again Monday.
I had told Daniel Tiger the day preceding that I was meeting with this new woman. He was completely supportive, gave me some tips, and was on high alert that this might be a triggery situation for me. So although he never acknowledged that he played a role in my St Patty's Day massacre (relapse), he definitely learned something. It was fine, I was fine. As a safety net, I asked a sober buddy to call me at a certain time after my appointment with New Gal and they came through like a champ. It's good to know what I need, to be able to ask the right person for it, and to be certain that person will deliver if they are able. (Plus have a contingency plan if that falls through.
)
It's been raining 24/7 here. I ordered a raincoat because I need good gear for walking. Next stop - some place that sells rain boots. Or maybe I'll get some "rubbers" (remember those? I absolutely hated them when I was a child!) because it's so hard to find shoes that fit and are good for walking. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do...
I'm proud of me, too. At this moment, anyhow.
Yesterday was another story. I heard from middlest via text. She is sad and bitter that we don't have the relationship a mother and daughter should have. And she's not sure if her feelings will ever change about that. I responded that I understand and have no intention to try to change her feelings but I don't know how to make a start with healing if we can't talk. I guess she doesn't either because there was no response to that. It hurts something awful to know that I did this. But I did and I can't rewrite the past. The only thing I can do that gives me a fighting chance is to keep moving forward.
Today is better. I had a good long talk that ran the gamut with eldest. She's called me her friend for years now - I just now finally feel like our relationship actually resembles a true friendship. I think it's hard for her to understand how her acceptance and love for me doesn't somehow offset the distance from the other two. But I don't belabor it - I'm not sure it's something you could understand unless you have multiple children of your own.
The meeting with my prospective new therapist went quite well. She and I have a fair amount of commonality in really key areas. I normally wouldn't have asked a therapist about their own experiences, but it was so important to me that I took the risk of rebuff (which I've experienced in the past). She volunteered that she doesn't usually do much self-disclosure with her patients but she could see that it was important to me. She also had gotten the message that I just wanted to talk first, to see if we were a good fit before we got into things. And so that's how we proceeded, although she normally does a templated assessment for the first meeting. I was a little surprised that I heard from the office manager looking for a copay the next day (I thought the initial consult was always no charge, but maybe not); no matter - it was worth way more than $30 to get the sense that I may have found the next right person. We're going to meet again Monday.
I had told Daniel Tiger the day preceding that I was meeting with this new woman. He was completely supportive, gave me some tips, and was on high alert that this might be a triggery situation for me. So although he never acknowledged that he played a role in my St Patty's Day massacre (relapse), he definitely learned something. It was fine, I was fine. As a safety net, I asked a sober buddy to call me at a certain time after my appointment with New Gal and they came through like a champ. It's good to know what I need, to be able to ask the right person for it, and to be certain that person will deliver if they are able. (Plus have a contingency plan if that falls through.
)It's been raining 24/7 here. I ordered a raincoat because I need good gear for walking. Next stop - some place that sells rain boots. Or maybe I'll get some "rubbers" (remember those? I absolutely hated them when I was a child!) because it's so hard to find shoes that fit and are good for walking. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,541
Happy Mothers day
I'm glad to hear that the therapist situation sounds promising. I went to one years ago who gave me some life changing insights. I discontinued because of circumstances but I think I'd like to try therapy again.
I can't imagine how hard the situation with your daughters must be. It's good to hear there is at least some communication. Hopefully time can help heal all of you.
I think my kids are just now getting to the age where they start to understand that I'm just another person like them. As a son I've learned that my forgiveness for my dad only went so far, but he could never really own his mistakes. It sounds like you are owning yours really well.
I'm glad to hear that the therapist situation sounds promising. I went to one years ago who gave me some life changing insights. I discontinued because of circumstances but I think I'd like to try therapy again.
I can't imagine how hard the situation with your daughters must be. It's good to hear there is at least some communication. Hopefully time can help heal all of you.
I think my kids are just now getting to the age where they start to understand that I'm just another person like them. As a son I've learned that my forgiveness for my dad only went so far, but he could never really own his mistakes. It sounds like you are owning yours really well.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, Five.
My self-talk does want to say, "Too little, too late."
If I indulge that, it will be fodder for the Addictive Voice.
Can't go there, so all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Do the next right thing, as they say.
I know today that the only way I'll have the chance to make things right with my girls is if I continue down the road of getting myself well. Anything less would fall short.
My self-talk does want to say, "Too little, too late."
If I indulge that, it will be fodder for the Addictive Voice.
Can't go there, so all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Do the next right thing, as they say.
I know today that the only way I'll have the chance to make things right with my girls is if I continue down the road of getting myself well. Anything less would fall short.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Full of anxiety this morning. Could be because...
Namaste.
- I have this stupid self-imposed rule that I need to be working by 7 so I can be done by 3. I didn't get out of bed until 0645, so that's not happening.
- Remorse/pain. Mother's Day isn't my favorite 'holiday,' never has been. But the reminders that this is the day children are expected to call their mothers were a bit of salt in the wound. No word from youngest or middlest. (Eldest did send a text...)
- First 'real' session is this afternoon. I'm leery of how therapy with New Gal is going to go. I know in my rational mind that I am permitted to set boundaries to protect myself, but fear is usually irrational - at least mine is.
- I'm a little worried that my manager may think I was "too" assertive on a call Friday. I'm just a 'lead' and I kind of got into the mix with a Director who didn't really know what she was talking about. The way she wants to solve a problem is the same blasted way her department has been trying in vain for years prior to her arrival on the scene. Which is fine, but she wanted me to set up a call to start over on the same blasted way.
- Or maybe I'm just clinging to the anxiety. It feeds upon itself.
- Or all of the above
Namaste.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Here's what is ringing in my ears - aside from the tinnitus which seems to kick up during these times:
Your way doesn't work!
Subtext: You are a stubborn, self-absorbed infant. You're a stupid brat that refuses to learn anything. All of this crap about your "past trauma" is just an excuse you make to give yourself permission to be the same way you've always been. A crybaby always looking for everyone's pity. Get over yourself and grow up.
Your way doesn't work!
Subtext: You are a stubborn, self-absorbed infant. You're a stupid brat that refuses to learn anything. All of this crap about your "past trauma" is just an excuse you make to give yourself permission to be the same way you've always been. A crybaby always looking for everyone's pity. Get over yourself and grow up.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,541
Good morning O
I wish I had more time to respond here. All I can say now is that I am praying that you can stop beating yourself up. What happened with past trauma isn't made up and isn't just an excuse.
I pretty much hate all holidays, the expectations and stress are overwhelming for me. Family stress is the cherry on top.
I also hate a lot of the AA slogans, but time takes time comes to mind right now.
Hoping your session today goes well and feels like a new beginning. Also hoping you can let go of the anxiety from work or whatever else.
You are not so self-absorbed as you think. You've helped me immensely.
Thinking of you.
I wish I had more time to respond here. All I can say now is that I am praying that you can stop beating yourself up. What happened with past trauma isn't made up and isn't just an excuse.
I pretty much hate all holidays, the expectations and stress are overwhelming for me. Family stress is the cherry on top.
I also hate a lot of the AA slogans, but time takes time comes to mind right now.
Hoping your session today goes well and feels like a new beginning. Also hoping you can let go of the anxiety from work or whatever else.
You are not so self-absorbed as you think. You've helped me immensely.
Thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Your inner critic sure sounds a lot like my inner critic—an embodiment of “either—or” polarity, with no conception of nuance / gradation and that all-important subjective context “You did this, you are this—end of story—“
And it’s also rather odd how they both take peculiar pleasure in verbally poking a finger and twisting in the tenderest part of a heart wound, most particularly when a fragile scab is finally starting to form—
And it’s also rather odd how they both take peculiar pleasure in verbally poking a finger and twisting in the tenderest part of a heart wound, most particularly when a fragile scab is finally starting to form—
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Yeah, Hawk. I just recently purchased this DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) handbook. One of the skills it promises to help me to learn is something like "middle of the road" thinking. I'm not sure if it will teach me middle of the road feeling, but if I can't get to neutrality, I'll settle for landing somewhere in the middle.
New Gal... unless something changes we're not going to be a good fit. Our first session was primarily devoted to reframing thoughts. She gave me a hypothetical situation and asked me for my cognitve (C), behavioral (B), and thought (T) response. The scenario was that I saw someone I knew in the grocery store and it seemed like they looked directly at me, then walked away as if we'd never met. What would I feel about that? I said, "confused," which she acknowledged was a feeling, but then wanted more. When I didn't have more, she gave me a more solid example, "What if it was that sponsor who told you (while you were literally driving to the sober home after two months in rehab) that your way wasn't working?" I said, oh - well then I'd feel like she never really liked me anyway and I don't fit her AA mold. New Gal pressed, and when you thought about that later, how would you feel? "Pissed!" Ok, and what else might you feel? So I dug a little deeper and brought out some self-hate talk from this morning. Finally, after giving her what she was looking for, New Gal then encouraged me to look at other possibilities. Maybe my x sponsor was having a bad day. Maybe she'd relapsed. Maybe she was lost in thought and didn't actually see me. These things were possibilities, weren't they? Sure, I acknowledged, and I would have considered a number of those - if it was any other person I knew from AA. But the evidence is already in with this particular individual; she coached me in AA as if I were a mindless lemming who would learn through platitudes and she deliberately omitted me from a couple of "AA-family" occassions she'd told me (early on in our acquaintance) that I'd be attending. Nope, deliberately shunning me is a thing she would do, as evidenced by previous experience.
New Gal then reframed the conversation we'd just had - saying I'd come out with some of these thoughts and feelings before she gave me a name for the person who dissed me at the grocery store. When, as you recall, my only thought/feeling was confusion. She's going to send me a document outlining the technique she was trying to teach me and I am to just "humor her" and try it out. I said sure, I know how to be a rational person, I can do that. But rational doesn't fix how I feel, I already told you that when we first met.
Sigh.
If it weren't so expensive, I might be tempted to continue seeing Daniel just so that I could see his reaction to my experiences with New Gal. But honestly, today, I think maybe it's just time for me to blaze my own trail.
New Gal... unless something changes we're not going to be a good fit. Our first session was primarily devoted to reframing thoughts. She gave me a hypothetical situation and asked me for my cognitve (C), behavioral (B), and thought (T) response. The scenario was that I saw someone I knew in the grocery store and it seemed like they looked directly at me, then walked away as if we'd never met. What would I feel about that? I said, "confused," which she acknowledged was a feeling, but then wanted more. When I didn't have more, she gave me a more solid example, "What if it was that sponsor who told you (while you were literally driving to the sober home after two months in rehab) that your way wasn't working?" I said, oh - well then I'd feel like she never really liked me anyway and I don't fit her AA mold. New Gal pressed, and when you thought about that later, how would you feel? "Pissed!" Ok, and what else might you feel? So I dug a little deeper and brought out some self-hate talk from this morning. Finally, after giving her what she was looking for, New Gal then encouraged me to look at other possibilities. Maybe my x sponsor was having a bad day. Maybe she'd relapsed. Maybe she was lost in thought and didn't actually see me. These things were possibilities, weren't they? Sure, I acknowledged, and I would have considered a number of those - if it was any other person I knew from AA. But the evidence is already in with this particular individual; she coached me in AA as if I were a mindless lemming who would learn through platitudes and she deliberately omitted me from a couple of "AA-family" occassions she'd told me (early on in our acquaintance) that I'd be attending. Nope, deliberately shunning me is a thing she would do, as evidenced by previous experience.
New Gal then reframed the conversation we'd just had - saying I'd come out with some of these thoughts and feelings before she gave me a name for the person who dissed me at the grocery store. When, as you recall, my only thought/feeling was confusion. She's going to send me a document outlining the technique she was trying to teach me and I am to just "humor her" and try it out. I said sure, I know how to be a rational person, I can do that. But rational doesn't fix how I feel, I already told you that when we first met.
Sigh.
If it weren't so expensive, I might be tempted to continue seeing Daniel just so that I could see his reaction to my experiences with New Gal. But honestly, today, I think maybe it's just time for me to blaze my own trail.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 54
CBT can be quite frustrating depending on how it's taught and I see your new person has made same mistake my therapist made when we started.
I banged my head against the wall 5 days before I saw him again and was just pissed off in general. I did the
worksheet right before appt. Then I struggled with the concept as it seemed a VERY complicated way of doing what used to be called reframing. Finally he gave me some names and websites and after reading more (a lot more for days), I got the whole concept but ultimately didn't find it helpful.... because I'm really into positive self talk / play the tape /reframing /etc.
That all being said, I believe CBT incredibly helpful to others. My daughter just started a week ago with same therapist and I expect it will be very beneficial to her.
I would like to send you a few of those links that may help? A clean version of the worksheet if it's the one by David D Burns along with a few others my therapist gave me that were interesting.
Thought I'd ask here first if that was ok.
ps - I snipped out a bunch of personal stuff - it seemed not appropriate for general posting.
I gots no problem exposing all my **** in PM's though! :-D
I banged my head against the wall 5 days before I saw him again and was just pissed off in general. I did the
worksheet right before appt. Then I struggled with the concept as it seemed a VERY complicated way of doing what used to be called reframing. Finally he gave me some names and websites and after reading more (a lot more for days), I got the whole concept but ultimately didn't find it helpful.... because I'm really into positive self talk / play the tape /reframing /etc.
That all being said, I believe CBT incredibly helpful to others. My daughter just started a week ago with same therapist and I expect it will be very beneficial to her.
I would like to send you a few of those links that may help? A clean version of the worksheet if it's the one by David D Burns along with a few others my therapist gave me that were interesting.
Thought I'd ask here first if that was ok.
ps - I snipped out a bunch of personal stuff - it seemed not appropriate for general posting.
I gots no problem exposing all my **** in PM's though! :-D
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Of course, Sam, I'll take all of the help I can get!
Thank you so much for offering.
I took a look at the worksheet she sent and... it's a thought exercise. Of course, because it's CBT. She also sent youtube videos, which I will look at later.
I agree this approach could be very helpful for others, maybe even for the majority. But you know, I'm not really like the majority and I'm ok with that. In fact I like that about myself.
It's not like I leap to the assumption that people automatically don't like me, or that they are somehow trying to persecute me specifically. These things were definitely part of growing up because kids are cruel and I was a good target. But I get that, and that's not the problem. For me. The problem is deeper than that. Reframing is something I do automatically now, and perhaps too much of it. You know? I will bend over backwards to excuse someone's crappy treatment of me until I just can not take it anymore. Now, THAT is irrational.
I told her this stuff plain as could be when we first met and she convinced me that I hadn't been in treatment with someone who practiced 'Real' CBT. So I told her I'd give it a good college try. And so I will...
Thank you so much for offering.
I took a look at the worksheet she sent and... it's a thought exercise. Of course, because it's CBT. She also sent youtube videos, which I will look at later.
I agree this approach could be very helpful for others, maybe even for the majority. But you know, I'm not really like the majority and I'm ok with that. In fact I like that about myself.
It's not like I leap to the assumption that people automatically don't like me, or that they are somehow trying to persecute me specifically. These things were definitely part of growing up because kids are cruel and I was a good target. But I get that, and that's not the problem. For me. The problem is deeper than that. Reframing is something I do automatically now, and perhaps too much of it. You know? I will bend over backwards to excuse someone's crappy treatment of me until I just can not take it anymore. Now, THAT is irrational.
I told her this stuff plain as could be when we first met and she convinced me that I hadn't been in treatment with someone who practiced 'Real' CBT. So I told her I'd give it a good college try. And so I will...
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Nope, changed my mind when I got the treatment plan New Gal asked me to sign yesterday, This is a document that outlines my goals and specific actions we will take to attain those goals. It's needed for insurance to pay for the treatment. Whelp, wouldn't you know she quoted things I never said, like I wished to work on my "overthinking." And "I'd like to learn about tools to handle anxiety." There's more, but you get the picture. At the end, it asks me to attest to the fact that I was involved in this plan and had a chance to discuss it. I guess I was involved because she pulled some stuff out of our first conversation, but she sure didn't go over it with me or ask for edits. Just, "please sign." I sat on it for a day, then sent her an email saying this wasn't going to work out.
I'll go back to Daniel Tiger one more time to lay out my plan to do self-directed non-trauma DBT work for the time being. I'm sure he'll agree to periodic sessions when I feel the need to work something out. At least he knows me and won't be hell-bent on teaching me 'skills.'
That's better.
I'll go back to Daniel Tiger one more time to lay out my plan to do self-directed non-trauma DBT work for the time being. I'm sure he'll agree to periodic sessions when I feel the need to work something out. At least he knows me and won't be hell-bent on teaching me 'skills.'
That's better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 17
Hi O, I’m sorry you relapsed but very glad you’re ok and getting back on track. It’s an awful feeling but good that you’re looking at the bigger picture and recognize what led up to it.
As I posted about several months ago (embarrassing) I also relapsed, drank 3 times/separate days. So that’s 3 days out of the last 4 years 7 months, but it’s still quite disappointing. I still consider getting sober the first time one of the hardest things I’ve done, my mind conveniently forgets the details but slowly climbing out of a pit of despair isn’t a strong enough description. I don’t feel all my progress has been lost in the sense that I’ve made enough improvements (blending in as a functioning member of society) and have enough understanding of it to know I can’t fall off that ledge again.
Anyway, the trauma stuff.. I was pretty fixated on getting to the bottom of my own trauma as I felt it was the biggest “trigger” consciously or otherwise that could de-rail me. Maybe I’ve actually worked through some of it, or maybe it just stopped being as relevant, but I now actually prefer staying away from the deeper psycho-therapy. I started one on one talk therapy once a week and got lucky to find a great counselor on my first try. We mostly focus on the “now” and she intuitively ties it in to my childhood dynamics to help me put things in perspective. I also started anti-depressants, which I’d always been very against but turns out they work..
I recently bought my own house, got a puppy, making more money than I ever have before.. very single currently and mostly at peace with that. Just thought I’d drop by since these changes have been stressful and I decided to lurk here to remind myself I really should be immersing myself in some kind of recovery things. Best of luck with whatever path you decide to take with therapy
As I posted about several months ago (embarrassing) I also relapsed, drank 3 times/separate days. So that’s 3 days out of the last 4 years 7 months, but it’s still quite disappointing. I still consider getting sober the first time one of the hardest things I’ve done, my mind conveniently forgets the details but slowly climbing out of a pit of despair isn’t a strong enough description. I don’t feel all my progress has been lost in the sense that I’ve made enough improvements (blending in as a functioning member of society) and have enough understanding of it to know I can’t fall off that ledge again.
Anyway, the trauma stuff.. I was pretty fixated on getting to the bottom of my own trauma as I felt it was the biggest “trigger” consciously or otherwise that could de-rail me. Maybe I’ve actually worked through some of it, or maybe it just stopped being as relevant, but I now actually prefer staying away from the deeper psycho-therapy. I started one on one talk therapy once a week and got lucky to find a great counselor on my first try. We mostly focus on the “now” and she intuitively ties it in to my childhood dynamics to help me put things in perspective. I also started anti-depressants, which I’d always been very against but turns out they work..
I recently bought my own house, got a puppy, making more money than I ever have before.. very single currently and mostly at peace with that. Just thought I’d drop by since these changes have been stressful and I decided to lurk here to remind myself I really should be immersing myself in some kind of recovery things. Best of luck with whatever path you decide to take with therapy
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
I could not agree with you more, that gal would be out on her nose. I am not a fan of CBT and her approach sounds not at all up your street.
I am not as clear as you seem to be on giving Daniel the boot. Why not see him regularly until you find someone who is a better fit, but stay away from your past deep trauma. You have stayed sober a long time now without addressing that head on, maybe it can wait. At least for me it could.
If it's because he missed the trigger, I am not sure I would blame him too much for that. Your triggers are trickier than most. Personally, I think I know you quite well, and I do not think I would know what might be a huge past trauma trigger in hiding.
XXXXXXXXX
I am not as clear as you seem to be on giving Daniel the boot. Why not see him regularly until you find someone who is a better fit, but stay away from your past deep trauma. You have stayed sober a long time now without addressing that head on, maybe it can wait. At least for me it could.
If it's because he missed the trigger, I am not sure I would blame him too much for that. Your triggers are trickier than most. Personally, I think I know you quite well, and I do not think I would know what might be a huge past trauma trigger in hiding.
XXXXXXXXX
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Maybe I’ve actually worked through some of it, or maybe it just stopped being as relevant, but I now actually prefer staying away from the deeper psycho-therapy. I started one on one talk therapy once a week and got lucky to find a great counselor on my first try. We mostly focus on the “now” and she intuitively ties it in to my childhood dynamics to help me put things in perspective. I also started anti-depressants, which I’d always been very against but turns out they work..
I recently bought my own house, got a puppy, making more money than I ever have before.. very single currently and mostly at peace with that.
Oh Cos, it is good to see you.
Even better is to hear that you've regained a toehold and have made some really big changes to support your own well-being. Your counselor sounds great; I'm so glad it's a good fit for where you are today. It's fabulous to read that anti-depressant medication is effective for you - that's my experience as well. I think it's a crying shame (not to mention) that people in general and especially in some recovery circles are so anti-meds. It's as if the AV applies its twisted logic to any number of things that might be helpful. Not surprising, but what a nasty little devil, eh?
I'm happy for you and stand behind you in solidarity and sisterhood.
And I hope to see more of you 'round these parts.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Originally Posted by Dropsie 
I could not agree with you more, that gal would be out on her nose. I am not a fan of CBT and her approach sounds not at all up your street.
I am not as clear as you seem to be on giving Daniel the boot. Why not see him regularly until you find someone who is a better fit, but stay away from your past deep trauma. You have stayed sober a long time now without addressing that head on, maybe it can wait. At least for me it could.
If it's because he missed the trigger, I am not sure I would blame him too much for that. Your triggers are trickier than most. Personally, I think I know you quite well, and I do not think I would know what might be a huge past trauma trigger in hiding.
XXXXXXXXX
I am not as clear as you seem to be on giving Daniel the boot. Why not see him regularly until you find someone who is a better fit, but stay away from your past deep trauma. You have stayed sober a long time now without addressing that head on, maybe it can wait. At least for me it could.
If it's because he missed the trigger, I am not sure I would blame him too much for that. Your triggers are trickier than most. Personally, I think I know you quite well, and I do not think I would know what might be a huge past trauma trigger in hiding.
XXXXXXXXX
No Go Gal... when I was telling the story to my sister last night, it occurred to me how ironic the whole situation was. At the top of the session, I told her about my earler freak-out - how I'd been dumping scorn on myself for even being in therapy. What did she do? She moved right on to the exercise she'd apparently planned for this meeting. No Go Gal referenced that former sponsor, even quoting me back on the "I don't fit in her mold" bit, using that as the prime example for how I jump to irrational conclusions. In fact, my conclusions were entirely rational in regard to that particular individual. I feel like No Go assumed that I was a person who suffers from cognitive distortions. This may in fact be true, but I'm pretty sure I've moved beyond leaping to conclusions about myself based on how other people behave. It's an inside job, y'know?
Daniel Tiger... for sure I was disappointed in him for missing the trigger, but I also know he's not to blame. I really can't blame anyone but myself for not telling him what was going on. But even that doesn't seem fair - at the time, it didn't even occur to me to tell him. Not only did I snow him - I snowed myself. Perhaps more true is that the AV snowed both of us.
My whole thought process on this situation has gone topsy-turvy again. I think I might prefer to drop the new therapist search and work with Daniel in the way Cos describes working with her counselor. Which makes me wonder if the real reason I gave him for leaviing (post-relapse) wasn't even the truth. I said something self-blaming along the lines of, "It's pretty significant that I didn't tell you," concluding that meant something must be broken in this relationship.
No Go did ask a question I'd not considered - had I been honest with Daniel when I drank before? And I always had been. Which just now makes me ask the question, "So why didn't you tell him this time?" And it feels like... I may have hidden it from him because my child brain perceived the 'threat' was coming from him. That kind of fits.
Ok, that concludes my brain contortions for the morning as I must get to work. Thank God.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Anybody watch the Lincoln lawyer, I am binging it now and love it!
There was line I really liked and made me think of you my dear:
“You can’t recover when you don’t know what you are recovering from.”
-Izzy, The Lincoln Lawyer
I am not sure if I agree with it or not, but it really made me think.
I am not sure if I know I am recovering from on a deeper level in the sense of what was I really trying to escape when I started drinking too much 45 years ago.
My best take on it is that I have always felt less than, and drinking made me feel like I fit in while I was doing it, but even lesser than afterwards. And that was Ok because it fit with my self image. And then it becomes a viscous cycle, and you find yourself addicted. Truth is that I still often feel less than, but I don't care that much anymore.
XX
PS. Also liked:
One thing I know... success is all about momentum.
There was line I really liked and made me think of you my dear:
“You can’t recover when you don’t know what you are recovering from.”
-Izzy, The Lincoln Lawyer
I am not sure if I agree with it or not, but it really made me think.
I am not sure if I know I am recovering from on a deeper level in the sense of what was I really trying to escape when I started drinking too much 45 years ago.
My best take on it is that I have always felt less than, and drinking made me feel like I fit in while I was doing it, but even lesser than afterwards. And that was Ok because it fit with my self image. And then it becomes a viscous cycle, and you find yourself addicted. Truth is that I still often feel less than, but I don't care that much anymore.
XX
PS. Also liked:
One thing I know... success is all about momentum.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I watched the entire series over the weekend and thought it was very good.
Izzy says (parrots?) all of the right things... we can discuss further once you finish this season.
In the largest sense, I think everyone who considers themselves to in recovery have found that we need to repair or address the feeling (or fear) of being less than/not good enough/not belonging.
Success is definitely about momentum. When the action is focussed in the right direction, of course.
xo sis
O
Izzy says (parrots?) all of the right things... we can discuss further once you finish this season.
In the largest sense, I think everyone who considers themselves to in recovery have found that we need to repair or address the feeling (or fear) of being less than/not good enough/not belonging.
Success is definitely about momentum. When the action is focussed in the right direction, of course.
xo sis
O
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