100

Okay I did my second admends and I felt relieved. The thing I've been thinking is I'm not sure I want to be sober forever. My minds telling me I go back to it it will be fun again because I've taken 6 months off and it will be different this time. I know I won't control it I never could. I know this is a lie but still want to do it. Funny thing is he first 3 months I had no cravings not one. But over time they have gotten worse. My sponsor response Is finish those admends. Lately I've been missing using and drinking. Reality is boring and depressing. At the same time I want to be sober because drinking in reality isn't fun anymore. Sometimes I don't know the truth sometimes I just need to check out for A few hours. I want to escape I miss what I used to get from using and drinking. I loved it so much Mabey I'm grieving this lose it was my best friend, favorite hobby,the love of my life all rolled up it one.
David

Dee74

Never confuse abstinence with control.
They are not the same thing.

I haven't had a drink in 15 years but I believe if I did I'd be back where I was or worse in very quick time.

If you haven't really accepted you're alcoholic maybe you need to go back to the first few steps?

nez

Alcohol was an escape for me, but I never got to choose the end destination of the escape...and for me, the escape always wound up in hell. It was never going to change. It was never going to be any different. It was always going to end in hell. History showed me that time and time again. It was never going to change. It was never going to be any different. It was the way it was and it was going to stay the same. It was never going to change. It was never going to be any different.

I don't know about you, but that was my experience at any rate.

nez

I had a drink after 5 years. Took less than a week to be worse off than ever. Absolutely nothing had changed about my drinking. Nothing.

I had that drink after 5 years because I missed my best friend, favorite hobby, the love of my life. I obviously had made poor choices of a best friend, hobby, and love of my life. I needed to find new ones. I did. I am now coming up on 19 years of recovery and my new best friend, hobby, and love of my life are me, and recovery.

When I drink, I am a lousy friend to myself, I have no real interest in myself (only in my selfish wants) and I obviously don't care for or love myself. Recovery is the love of my life and has given me a life I love.

Purplrks3647

I used to feel that way too....then when the AV tells us "It'll be different this time" it's just like a toxic ex trying to pull us back in for a booty call....we miss the familiarity and temporary comfort....but in a way it is different because it only gets worse!

Have you visited any of the other threads? Here's a link to the One Year and Under thread ~ maybe some additional support would help: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...part-70-a.html (One Year And Under Part 70)

Stay close....it sucks and seems like forever, but it does get better

Triggered

forever's a long time...it's certainly longer than I could ever contemplate...so I dont bother

stay in the moment...let forever take care of itself

biminiblue

Your feelings are common and completely normal.

I went back to drinking after many years sober and I can tell you it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

You may have heard at AA, "If you want to go back to drinking your misery will be gladly refunded."

I'll never forget how horrible in every way I was feeling just before I quit and how hard those first few weeks were. That will see me through.

Escape? Yes, I would like to escape. That was the main reason I drank. There is no real escape though. Any and all problems will be there waiting for me after I drink. For me it's way better to learn to deal with my negative thinking that to just blot it out.

SnazzyDresser

Hmm, let's see....Would I rather be alive or dead? Healthy or diseased? I know for damn sure that I like being sober a zillion times more than I liked being a drunk. Not even sure what there is to talk about here.

Obladi

These two thoughts may not be as disconnected as they seem. I'm not sure about you, but one of the things that used to make me want to seek the release of alcohol was the relief of dealing with something difficult. It wasn't exactly a 'reward' thing, I don't think - it was more like... maybe relief is very close to release? So I wanted more. They say addiction is the disease of more, you know.

It's not your mind telling you to go back to drink - that's your addiction. Your mind knows better. Experiencing cravings again (more) is completely natural. The addiction is going to come calling from time to time - checking to see if you're ready for it yet. It's not the cravings that are the problem - it's that you are entertaining them. You've been inviting that little beastie addiction in for tea and biscuits, discussing how much you miss your fix and debating over what to do about that.

Yeah, me too man. But we don't drink anymore, so it's just not an option. Nothing will ever make me feel like alcohol did. That's just a fact. It's nothing to feel bad about - it's just something to notice and then move along to whatever the next right thing is. I think your sponsor is guiding you to continue to clear away the wreckage of your past so that you can put this era in your life to rest. That's powerful stuff, as you've noticed.

What other thing could you do that is self-indulgent but won't harm you or anyone else? There are some things I give myself a pass on - picking up a little gift for myself, eating sweets, spending the entire day putting together playlists... wasteful and not the healthiest things to do for my body, perhaps. But it sure as shooting beats the abuse I was putting myself through while I was drinking.

Stay the course, David.
You're doing good.

O

100

I know I'm an alcoholic that isn't it. I just miss the bliss I used to get. I don't get that anymore. I don't want to use today. I just get these feelings because I feel so flat and want to feel something. I feel numb all the time. Except anxiety. I still feel like crap and can't sleep.i don't want to use but I want to feel better. I know can't drink safely. I just forget how bad it was sometimes. I know today I want to be sober because the thought of actual going through with it makes me sick when I think about what I would get vs what my cravings tell me I would receive.
David

Obladi

That's all it takes, David.
As long as you want to be sober today, you will be sober today.
And so on. There's really no need to think about 'forever.'

I take medication for anxiety and depression, one form of which actually helps me to sleep. (Zoloft and Trazodone) Works a whole lot better when I take it as prescribed and don't drink. I certainly still have bouts of anxiety, but it doesn't come near to touching how bad it was while I was drinking or in the first six months or so of sobriety. Have you been to the doctor lately, David?

I'm not dancing on clouds or anything - my life is unexciting and uneventful. But at least I don't drink. And I (for the most part) no longer do crappy things that make amends necessary. That's not too shabby. I think you'll find it to be the same or better for you. Just don't drink today, then do that again tomorrow.

I know you know that you're an alcoholic. I think everyone here understands what you mean about missing that feeling of obliteration. The difference comes in how people handle that for themselves. That part doesn't work the same for everyone. Do what works for you.

MrPL

Hi 100.

I understand it s impossible to ignore the feeling of missing good times, and if those were linked with alcohol then you ll miss it.

But if you think about it this is not news. There are other things that can be missed but not done - childhood, hanging out with far away friends, or lost relatives, or things we can no longer do because of physical limitations.

It’s the same with drink. It has to be approached as “I just won’t do it now because it’s not a possibility”, and forever is just a sequence of nows.

TheSoberNord

The brain has a wonderful ability to filter out and downplay the bad times and only put forward the happy warm and fuzzy memories of drinking.
I think enough of us has been damaged enough to know there is no going back from here.
If you go out and drink I'm sure you'll wind up back here sooner or later talking about how horrible it was and that this time you're dead serious about getting sober, that is if you're lucky enough to make it back it here.
I know for me personally there is no more do overs. I slip up now and started drinking again I might as well go to my grave with a bottle in hand.

uncle holmes

Hang in there David! One day at a time! One amend at a time! As far as being bored and depressed in sobriety, there’s stuff and interests for you in sobriety! You just haven’t found them yet! You will if you stay sober long enough and will be glad you never went back to drinking!

Actually you have found some and don’t even realize it! You’re in the fellowship of AA! You’re a member of SR! You enjoy skiing and the movies! Heck drinking became boring and depressing after a while! Only with that then you have to wake up with all that guilt and remorse when you wake up in the morning! And you know you will have to start all over on sobriety again somewhere down the line! You’re doing fantastic! Keep up the good work and the rewards will pay dividends!

100

I talked to my sponsor today and feel better. He said you can't even imagine how good your life can become. I'm not throwing it away. Drinking became very scary at the end shaking for hours on end. I realize I was become disillusioned with sober life. I would do fun things and not feel much. I'm on meds which limit dopamine production. Anti psychotic meds i want off them badly. I just can't feel anything I can't laugh. I'm doctor won't even lower the dose. I want off all meds except ones nessary for my health such a blood pressure meds. I'm so tired of feeling nothing. I don't feel much even when flying down a hill at 60 miles an hour. I wish I never started those posin pills. No matter what no using I'm almost free why stop getting better now.
David
David

Dee74

Not all drugs are bad tho. Some people need things like anti psychotic drugs, David?

D

ScottFromWI

That's all you need to do David, very glad to hear you still have that plan despite all the other things happening. Keep coming here, keep talking to your sponsor, keep working the steps and things will keep getting better.

Obladi

What those guys said. ^
And also, it takes a long time for the brain to recover from the effects of the sustained onslaught of booze. Longer than six months, for sure - at least that's how it's working out for me. You're right to stick with the no matter what no using plan. Maybe set your sights on a year to review your med plan?

O

BullDog777

I kind of wished there was a barometer of sorts that we could measure ourselves against that kept people from feeling so alone at certain points of their sobriety. Early on-man...I got back here and was so jazzed that I had made it back alive that I was so excited to get started again I felt like a million bucks. That did NOT last. LOL

It wore off and the real work of day to day recovery started. That's grunt work. Boring and mundane but very necessary. You're building a foundation that will give you the tools you need to be able to live into long term recovery.

I explain it like this to a few guys I sponsor that were athletes: In football, you know you want to be a great quarterback. You know you can throw a ball, but in reality, you have zero mechanics to be able to make good offensive decisions and you lack experience in reading defenses. You just know you can throw like a son of a b***h. Does that make you capable of being Tom Brady?

Tom Brady is arguably the GOAT because his mechanics and foundation are second to none. He studies constantly and eats, breaths and craps his job. Same with Jordan in Basketball. Neither of them were particularly gifted in high school, but they were willing to do the work it took to be the best. Simply put, they lived that old saying "you get out what you put in." and they had a ton of talent.

My point is mechanics and foundation isn't fun but it will make life so much easier in the long run. I went through a long time where nothing felt right and I was bored and frustrated. It's just the time, man.

Em says in the song "Not afraid" "Everybody, I guess I had to Go to that place to get to this place." It took me a long time to figure out what he was sayin. That he had to build this foundation to get to the place of strength of where he comes from now.

If you hang in there, your life can and probably will be whatever you make of it. But you gotta build the foundation, one brick at a time.

ZIP

I quit drinking, finally, because I was addicted to alcohol. That's the bottom line.
I figured that ​​​​​​in the end, I'd pay dearly for all the uncontrolled drinking I put my body through. And I didn't want to be just a drunkard found dead on the floor...