100

I realize I wanted to drink lately because I was of afraid of making amends. I'm very sensitive and hate Confrontation of any kind. I'm scared ******** of doing my amend tomorrow but really just want to get done with it. It will be first of many. I'm hope when i make my amends tomorrow at work she won't throw a fit. I have to do it though I'm just terrified.
David

Caramel

^ Is this the co-worker/supervisor who (quoting your earlier post in the thread linked below) does not know that people made fun of her?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ke-amends.html (Scared to make amends)

I urge you to let her remain unharmed by this, don't say anything to her.

100

My sponsor says I need to make it.
I'm not going to tell her specifics just that I gossiped about her and that it's entirely my fault.
David

least

I think your sponsor is giving bad advice. It says in the steps, "except when to do so would harm them or others". I would make your amends by changing your behavior, not by bringing up the hurtful past.

Caramel

[bolded by me]

I agree.

If the lady in question did not know then, she does not need to know now.

Obladi

I agree that your sponsor is off-base on this one.

If I were that person, I’d be very hurt if you disclosed that you’d gossiped about me. It would make me wonder who the others were and would also make me feel terribly uncomfortable at work in general and with you in particular. As a socially uncomfortable person yourself, can you imagine someone making a similar ‘amend’ to you?

This is an amends that should of the living type, not verbally. Not to the target of your trash talk. If you feel you must put it into words, write it down, then burn it. Even better, you could speak with your gossipy coworkers, apologize for your past participation in those discussions and tell them you have made a commitment to refrain from such behavior in the future.

O

BullDog777

See-this is where I really disagree with some of the steps. They aren't supposed to make you feel bad. If they do, it's either the wrong time or not something you should entertain without a lot more counsel and time.

Least quoted the steps and said: "except when to do so would harm them or others". I couldn't agree more.

A lot of AA groups seem to miss that part in a BIG way.

I was at a very militant AA group early on where everyone always thought there would be this magic transformation after the 4th, 5th and 9th step. In reality-a few people I knew ended up ruining their lives and one guy got 40 years in prison. So-BE CAREFUL.

Sometimes, there are things that are just between God and you. That BS about you're only as sick as your secrets is a heaping pile of dog crap. Sometimes, you gotta listen to your gut. If you go spilling everything or making amends before you're ready it can send you spiraling.

Thank God for the good advise of those loving folks here.

I know AA is well intended- but like anything else-it can be grossly misinterpreted and can end up doing more harm than good. That's why I do a combo of therapy, AA, NA, group therapy and addiction therapy. I have a need to see as many sides of this illness as possible. Thats how I keep a strong base and defense when things start to go south.

I hope things look up for you soon man. I know you've been struggling for awhile.

dustyfox

I agree that you should not say anything to this poor lady - a change in your own behaviour and attitude is enough and indeed that you have shared it here. There is no need to speak to her about this it will only hurt her feelings and cause trouble. Discretion is surely allowed.

trailmix

But that is specific. She will know that you have been speaking badly about her. She will know that at least one person (but she will assume more) were also gossiping about her and then she gets to wonder why. Is it her work? Her laugh? The way she dresses? The way she looks?

How does that help her at all? I just don't see it, do you? Somehow it may make you feel better to confess, but the price for making you feel better is to hurt her feelings.

You have hurt this woman by gossiping about her, so now you will hurt her by telling her that. It doesn't really make sense does it?

How about being nice to her? A smile, a show of friendliness? Something that will add something nice to her day instead of a confession by you that will hurt her feelings.

I'm sure that is not your intent (to hurt her feelings) but I am also sure you will indeed hurt them if you tell her you have been gossiping about her.

Mizz

We don't make amends to people for relief of our guilt. Sometimes we make an amends by our actions. It doesn't have to be a verbal apology. It can be in our behaviors and how we move forward with the person.

You could make a vow to yourself to no longer engage in the behavior of gossip towards this person. This would be a way to move forward and to not harm her any further.

fini

100, David, the really important thing is your willingness. that is awesome!
now that you’re willing, please look at your motives.
doing this because your sponsor says you need to is not a good reason in and of itself.
in a situation such as this it is helpful to step back and let it be until you are clear in your own self as to why you feel you need to do this.
an amend is “righting” something. what would be “righted” with this person by doing this? chances are, the effect will be one of her looking at everyone with suspicion from now on, knowing people have badmouthed her.

how will this make anything better for her?

admirable and right that you want and need to take responsibility for your behaviour and actions, but there are other ways to do this. and carrying a potential burden of keeping this from her is one of those.

fini

hey David,
wondering how you resolved this situation, and how you’re feeling about whatever it is you decided to do or not do and the possible repercussions?
hope you’re at peace with it.

sugarbear1

Just don't gossip anymore. Amends done. Otherwise you could be opening up a can of worms here and making your daily employment difficult for yourself.

100

I made the admends and she thanked me which blew me away. We get along much better and she hasn't been bossey since. I also haven't talked about anyone in a negative way since. I told her she wasn't at fault and it's down to me being at fault and she didn't do anything wrong. I never mentioned that others were talking about her. I think she was aware that people are talking about her. I prayed on it and that's the council I took. I believe it was God's will to do so.
David

Dee74

I'm glad you feel better for it David.

D

Obladi

Sounds like you did good.
I'm happy to know that she received your apology.
The miracles keep coming as long as we do our best to be decent human beings.

nez

David, it always amazes how when I do the right thing and let go of the outcome, things turn out well!!! My fallback mantra is "What the hell do I know anyway!" I am so glad to be only in charge and responsible for myself... and even that is more than enough for me to handle. So glad things turned out well, but I am not surprised. Goodatcha!!!

fini

that’s awesome, David!
so glad it worked out well for both of you.