vulcan30

Anyone in this situation? Anyone felt hopeless, and has no-one to talk to?

By mentioning that I'm single and not had a relationship before, the thought that makes me want to reach for another drink is that no-one will understand and EVERYONE will criticise me for my situation.

I CAN'T TELL ANYONE I'VE NEVER HAD A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP BEFORE AT 35!!!

I CAN'T TELL ANYONE.

One of the main reasons I drink is I have no-one to talk to. I have to bottle everything up (which leads to the bottle).

I feel I CAN'T TELL ANYONE, I feel TOO EMBARRASSED to tell anyone about it.

Think about when you were in your teens or early 20s. It felt like it'd be forever. Think of what it's like being 35.

It feels like there's no-one who's
-not had a relationship before
-who's not felt hopeless
-not had no-one to talk to, & turned to drink

Are there people in my boat who relate? Not having anyone to talk to & feeling like the only one, that drives my drinking.

I don't want lecturing. I would like to know I'm not the only one in the world in this boat. Has this situation driven you to drinking?

I'll probably get the usual lectures to be a good boy and no-one in the situation mentioned above listening, I never know. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

BullDog777

OK-What you're doing is trying to give yourself permission to drink because you feel lonely. You're not the first or the last. One of my first sponsors was 45 years old before he lost his virginity and now he's 64 years old with almost 20 years of sobriety. Who also JUST got engaged this year. Some people are just late bloomers. He was on the Autistic spectrum and was morbidly obese. Made dating kinda difficult.

Look man-you've been around here long enough to know I don't sugar coat s#@!. It's just the way I roll. I'm sorry if your life sucks and you're lonely. If you want things to improve, improve yourself. Go to the gym and get in shape. Or get a haircut, or shave or whatever-start eating right-Quit drinking! Get some help. Asking people to relate to you so you can feel better about destroying yourself? Not gonna happen.

You frustrate me because you remind me of me at my decline. Just looking for misery to find company. There will be a day where the choice will be taken from you and you'll look back without the aloof sense of entitlement you have right now. Why? Because this illness will have killed you before you were dead. I want to save you that pain.

Get up. Dust yourself off. Stop drinking and improve yourself. You are nobody's dummy. Probably too smart for you're own good.

So there's your lecture. An I've felt all the same things you have. Hopelessness-being alone-it all comes with this monster we turn into when we are active in our illness.

So...just like every other time I've ever commented and you've skipped right over me, I expect no different because I refused to coddle you into oblivion. Sorry for the harsh words man-I want you to get help. I DO care.

LazaB

Dude , why do you have to tell anytbody the truth ? If you are so embarrassed just make up a lie.
There is an old joke and i don't remember how it goes but it's something like this :
Guy walks into a doctor's office and says :
- I don't know what's wrong with me , i don't even have a girlfriend and everyone around me is saying that they have sex all the time ?
And the doctor tells him - " Well you can say it too. "

Triggered

Let's get something out of the way first.

Drinking is not helping your situation. What drinking is doing is nothing more than causing you to avoid the issues you need to tackle to remedy your situation.

That being said, you havent given any indication whether drinking is a problem for you. If it's got to the point where it is causing problems in your life you have come to the right place, stick around and draw strength from the advice you get here. If not you would be better served to look elsewhere to enhance your relationship prospects.

Do you know what I just did? I literally copied and pasted this line out of your comment into google:

'I CAN'T TELL ANYONE I'VE NEVER HAD A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP BEFORE AT 35!!!'

good news for you my friend..... there are many many others out there in the exact same situation as you, all looking for answers... and *gasp*, some of them are females!!

aasharon90

Recovery calls for honesty. Telling lies means you are not
being truthful. We drink or drank over harboring secrets,
lies, sins, etc.

In recovery, we learn ways to live our lives sober and
free from all the baggage we maybe hauling around with
us for so long.

Heavy crosses, balls and chains, bags of past things
we would sweep under the rug so to speak, hide from
others. These bags we carry on our shoulders weighing
us down and now, we have to learn how to lighten them
and become free from them.

Freedom of bondage.

There are secrets folks carry with them to the grave
i'm guessing. But how fullfilling have their lives been?

Trouble i'm guess has followed them all the way.

There is no shame in admitting our faults. We all have
them. It is in telling them to or sharing them with some
one you'd feel comfortable with.

And from reading what you wrote, you say you have
no one. I use to feel the same about my past stuff and
realized that once I opened up, I found out there were
others that have been there done the same similar things
as I.

And thus didnt feel so different or all alone anymore.

You just took that first step in sharing with us and I dont
have room in my recovery life to judge you or anyone else.

I use to think I was unique, different. But once i got in
recovery and began to clear away the clutter and baggage
i held onto for so long, I learned that I am not unique at
all.

I'm just like many. One more cog in the wheel. One more
piece of the puzzle of life. One more tiny glass that makes
up one huge gorgeous stained glass mosaic masterpiece.

In recovery we all are learning to stive for the same
thing. We all have something in common which is
our addiction and recovery is what bonds us together.

Sr has been a good source of recovery lifeline I continue
to hold tight to each day as I travel on my road of recovery.

There are therapists folks turn to for extra help or their
pastors or spiritual leaders. There is always someone
ready to listen to you just so you can unload your baggage
too.

Even a complete stranger if you wish. They dont know
you, but if they are willing to sit with a cup of coffee with
you while you share then you are purging all that toxic
stuff out of your heart, mind and soul so the healing
process can begin and you can grow into being the best
person you can be.

Not only to yourself but to others around you.

Who know, there maybe that someone special out there just
waiting for someone one like you to appear in their lives.

advbike

I guess my comment would simply be - why? Assuming you want to be in a relationship, what is keeping you from meeting people and dating? Forget about the comparisons and feeling obligated to disclose it, just work on the issues that are preventing you from meeting people. Clearly if you are alcoholic or simply drink too much, that will make you less attractive to potential partners, as will certain other things such as not taking care of ourselves. Do you lack confidence? I found when I drank my self esteem was lower but there was a lot of false bravado. And we are in a pandemic, which means many normal avenues for meeting people are limited or have risks. But there are ways.

doggonecarl

I got married when I was 53. So, 35 isn't too late for a relationship. But you have to figure out why that's the case. And what you can do to overcome those impediments.

I know in my case, while I yearned for a relationship when I was young, I was also frightened of intimacy, frightened of losing the very thing I was seeking and therefore, went without it for many years.

As for the lack of relationships as the reason you drink...I'm not fully on board with that. Plenty of alcoholics are in relationships, yet drink.

Dee74

Some great responses here Vulcan

I think If being single (and/or a virgin in my case) was the reason people drank, people would find an internet bride or something and never drink again.

I was 30 before I had my first relationship. (for what it’s worth I was honest and open about it being my first relationship - if it’s the right person that won’t matter)

I did stop drinking for a while…I was lovestruck…she didn’t drink…but I started up again inevitably…. and my drinking eventually scuttled things.

So being single was not really my reason for drinking after all.

Its easy to zero in on one thing as say this is why I drink…and have a completely different yet as compelling reason the next week. I did that for years.

The truth is I had an inexhaustible list ‘why I drank’.
The real problem was I hadn’t accepted I was an alcoholic yet.

D

RecklessDrunk

Control what you can control. It looks like the alcohol has not been working for you. At your age you have run some time off the clock but you still have time to get it turned around. I really think a diet and exercise program would help both physically and mentally. Also with the alcohol cravings. The buzz you can get after a good workout gives much of that ease and comfort that alcohol provides.

I think AA meetings could be a great help here. The ratio of men to women isn't favorable. It's certainly not the best or even a good place to meet women. Though you could, it is possible. Here's the thing though. You will likely find a room full of people that you have much in common with. Alcoholism is a lonely disease. Many of us alcoholics feel like we don't quite fit in with normal people. Its part of how many of us became alcoholic in the first place. You are not alone. Its about as welcoming of an environment as you are going to find. A good environment to start to get use to socializing. Get a sponsor to take you through the steps. If your way hasn't worked maybe this will. Take a few weeks to pick out a sponsor that you think you be good. There are people at AA that will work with you individually and very personally. To keep our sobriety we have to give it away. Working the steps can help you get to the root causes of your problems.

100

You drink because you are an alcoholic. You dont drink because of any other reason. It's hell I know but facts are facts. Are you going to aa, because it's the only way I can stay sober. It's my only chance at maintaining soberity and its a beautiful thing. It's still hard to stay sober but it gives me a chance. Just keep an open mind.
David

Outonthetiles

One reason I drank was because I had two girlfriends at the same time, so the grass isn't always greener. Like Dee said, there's always an excuse to drink . . . not enough sex, too much sex, the problem was that I am an alcoholic; I would have drank no matter what my personal circumstances were.

FBL

Well, I turn 56 tomorrow and I've never been in a romantic relationship. I also have 12 and half years sober. During my active addiction, I'm sure I used that as an excuse to drink, but I had all kinds of excuses. The fact is that I was an alcoholic. I drank because I couldn't help myself.

Just in the past few years, I've discovered that I fall somewhere on the aromantic/asexual scale (I never even heard of such a thing, but it's real). In other words, I've never been in a serious romantic relationship because I'm simply not wired for it. It's not a common thing, but I've found others in my same situation. I'm part of a support group on FB and it's helped me come to terms. May be worth investigating.

Any case, I wish you well.

Mysteryman

I have some sympathy for your story, however- Relationships are just one facet of life. Let me guess, do you think if you were in a relationship your life would be complete and you wouldnt drink? Well let me tell you it probably wouldnt.
You'd find another excuse to drink Im sure, like most of us on here. Dont get in the habit of blaming one facet of your life for drinking, because its never that. You want an easy excuse, I get it, but just focus on the not drinking and maybe other areas of your life will improve.

dustyfox

There all all sorts of relationships other than those of a romantic nature - romance will either appear in your life or it wont, friendships are perhaps an easier starting point.

Don't worry about the 'ships just stop drinking and over some time you will find things start to change for the better.