NYCLifer

Just a general question, and it main sound silly, but I honestly do not get the concept. Over the years in this process I've been told I use people/turn on people/push people away/undervalue people in all aspects and areas of my life. Some of my words and deeds have led to some serious setbacks. At one point I didn't care and was sort of proud of my nastiness, self-centeredness, and revenge tactics; it was satisfying temporarily. But if I'm able to get honest, which is only an option maybe once or twice a day for fleeting moments, I know my way is not helping and it's hurting me the most. I hate being completely alone, acting like a child in public, and having people think poorly of me. But at the same time it still brings some reliefs to express my emotions in a immature, unhealthy way (at least the that day).

I'm struggling right now. Very lonely, hopeless and afraid. Been here plenty of times before, but right right now it's worse because I'm climbing back up from a relapse, and I never dealt with this much uncertainty and major life decisions all at once in my life. I do not think I've been using the meetings, professional help, sponsor, and family support correctly lately. Starting to think I wasn't really using the support or program way before I relapsed. But it's okay, it's a new start/a day at a time, just really confused and contradictory right now. don't know what type of help I need right now. Keep relapsing every 21-30 days this year. Had quite a few years sober before that.

BullDog777

We need to be able to relate to our own- is my take. We all know how high we stack our BS. An most of the time we can hold each other accountable for it. But to do that, there has to be a degree of earnestness and honesty. Without that, we don't recover.

I'm thinking you probably know all of this, but decided that taking the opportunity to come clean about it is a good first step in answering your own question. I'm glad you have. This is another way we recover.

Look-I was an awful SOB. I burned people professionally, hurt those I claimed to call friends and never owned my side of the street. When we get sober, the instant gratification of putting someone in their place or having self righteous anger is better left to better people. I can't carry that kind of anger at myself or anyone else anymore. There's too much good in my life.

But to get there, you have to work for it. I often tell people "You get out of this program, what you put into it" If you want to change-be about it. There's no time like the present.

Mizz

What does "We need people" in the recovery world mean? Why do we need people?

For myself, and I can only speak for myself, I think having people that understand addiction is invaluable. I come here to offer support and to receive support on a daily basis. Getting sober and moving into recovery from active addiction meant that I had people who held up the light and showed me where to walk.

I don't know what people are telling you about yourself but I do know that what you think of yourself is extremely important. Everyone on the planet has "stuff" that they carry and some of that "stuff" gets projected onto others. People are people. If you have treated people poorly or have some negative reactions towards people then you can change it. It takes time to change cycles of behavior. Time to know what is true for ourselves. Each day is a new day full of hope and promise and full of decisions.

If your way is not helping YOU then you can find a new way of responding. Be gentle with you. It is okay that you have some struggles. We are not meant to be perfect. No one on the planet is perfect. Each day is a new day. Choose today.

I am sorry you are struggling and it is so good to see that you are giving sobriety another chance. Never give up. Never be defeated. You can win over yourself and forge a new path full of hope and promise. I believe in you!

VikingGF

I can only tell you about me. I build walls. Big, giant, tall walls. I did not ask for help, I did not share things that scared me or made me "look" weak or needy. I held everyone at arm's length. I cried (rarely) in private and I powered through everything, alone. I had no support system because I did not allow one. And I drank. I reveled in my alone-ness so I could drink alone and I thought that was my happy place. Then, I got scared when I couldn't handle the drink anymore and felt like I was about to die every morning. So I stopped, again. And this time, I reached out. It was sooooo scary to lean on others, to be honest with some of my friends and come clean. But when I did, I was received with love and warmth, and some of the walls came down. As that happened, I learned that I put those walls up to shut others out because I was afraid of rejection. You can't shut me out if I don't let you in. You can't hurt me if you don't know me or if I don't allow you close enough to really care if you go away. I realized I was miserably lonely inside, and my friends were honest with me- they KNEW what I was doing!! They knew I wouldn't reach out but they were still there for me when I needed them!! What the heck?? So the way I saw myself, alone, independent, confident and STRONG was not being perceived that way at all. In fact, the internalization of all these emotions and resultant stress did eventually backfire, and I then became pretty dependent on support for a bit. I had to open myself up completely, come to terms that I do not have all the answers, am not always right and needed to LEARN how to foster relationships and care for myself in a more mentally healthy manner. We are human and so we are fallible and pushing people away is just not a good survival strategy. We need people, not just in recovery, but to flourish in general. Do we need ALL the people? No. But we find OUR people and when we are loyal, reliable friends, we find the real meaning to living a fulfilled life.

Try opening up a little, listening rather than talking and waiting before responding. Be mindful of your words. Be honest. Slowly, maybe you will find that your acting out will diminish and you will come to value the help you are being offered. We are soooo lucky to have people who want to help. Be grateful.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, but the only way through the difficult parts is truly through them, not around.

VikingGF

How are you feeling today, NYCLifer?

NYCLifer

Feel okay today.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and tips.