Tired
 

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of recovery and the endless parade of things that are wrong with me that need fixing. I'm tired of the constant uphill battle of life. I'm tired of the uncertainty. I'm tired of constantly dealing with chronic pain and ill health. I'm tired of being told I need to be grateful. I'm tired of having to constantly watch and monitor everything I eat or drink lest I lose abstinence. I'm tired of all the effort, and for what? I don't have any particular joy in life. Nothing particularly matters. I'm not depressed. I just don't care. I'm just so tired. People say if you keep drinking/go back to drinking, you'll die. And? I don't want to drink and I have no intention of drinking, but I also don't care if I die, so that's not very motivating. I exercise, I eat right, I take care of business, I go to work, I save money, I pay my bills. But to what end? I don't like travel. I'm a home body. There is not a single thing I feel like I need to live for or that I care particularly about. It's an exhausting way to live. Surely I am not the only person who feels this way. What is the point? I don't believe in anything religious or an afterlife. I'm just so tired. Why am I doing all this? Am I having a midlife crisis? It is existential angst? I'm so tired.

You say you’re not depressed but it sounds to me like you might be, Patcha.

A lack of joy and an indifference to dying is maybe not too uncommon, especially in these pandemic days, but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t look into some help if we need it?

D

Maybe. Thanks Dee. I'm off to bed. Nite nite.

Sleep well :)

D

It took me a full year of sobriety to heal the damage I had done to my brain by abusing alcohol. I couldn't find joy until that part of my brain fired back up again. Those questions you asked are ones no one can answer for you. I think most people, addict or not, have stood in front of yet another hill they have to climb and thought "not again.". We climb tho. Lots of people right next to you climbing away.

Patcha, I'm sorry you feel this way, I really am. Sometimes it's hard to find one thing in your day that brings you some joy, but if you can do that, it changes things. I also wonder if you are depressed and if you might want to talk to your doctor about it.

Patcha - I'm so sorry you feel like this - I have, in the past, found talking therapy/counselling helpful, sometimes just spilling it all and have someone hear it with you feels helpful. Thinking of you.

I hope you feel better after a good night's sleep and some food.

I try not to go down that path of those kinds of questions but I'm pretty sure they're common to everyone at one time or another. I just don't spend a lot of time with them - that's what gets me into trouble.

I'm careful what I read, watch, engage with when I'm feeling blue. Lots of walks outdoors. Nothing renews me like an hour walk in Nature.

Blessings.

If not depression, it's at least despair.

I've had a few periods of it these last few years. The turmoil in the world has me questioning the worth of it all. When that happens I have to just focus on those things that I can impact. I have to shrink my world to me and mine.

Man, I sooooo get this, Patcha.

I felt this way for a long time after getting sober. Someone gave me some great advice, not even in the context of sobriety—rather, he was talking about getting through the long and miserable gray Ohio winters—but it still very much applied to early recovery, so I stole it. He said, “Make sure you have at least one thing to look forward to every single day.” It could be something tiny, something inconsequential— just something.
So… I literally scheduled my One Thing. At night I would ask myself what thing I could look forward to. A call with my Mom… a long run… a good show or book… a nap… a walk with a friend…I’m a homebody too, so sometimes it One Thing was an insistence on a guilt-free pass if I didn’t leave the house. Sometimes it was as simple as a fancy latte.

I truly believe that if you stack up a bunch of One Things, you’ll forget why you needed to plan for them because there will be Many Things. Many SOBER things.

I thought a lot about what you wrote last night Patcha. I don't know about you, but by the time I got here for the last time, I felt like I had fought a 25 year long war with myself. That alone had me exhausted for probably the first 18 months I was here.

Maybe you just need to take it easy for awhile and put you first in making sure your doing everything you can to feel better. An like FMN said, do something nice for yourself everyday. We are our own worst enemies. Nobody can kick our a$$ worse than we can.

Maybe let your doctor know that you're feelin a bit under the weather emotionally and maybe they can give you some more direction. Maybe some one on one therapy once a week might help you. Honestly, I don't know where I would be with out it.

Somewhere along the way we lost the ability to process our feelings properly and we stopped growing emotionally. Most of us need help in figuring out how to do that again. I know I sure as hell did.

I hope that helps you.
be well.

Hope today is a better day Patcha. Lots of great advice here and I think it is indeed important to be cognizant of whether or not we are just having a bad day, or if something deeper is going on. From the outside looking in you appear to be a very positive person and your daily writings here reflect that, so it is somewhat out of character to see you posting in this fashion.

What if there was only one solution to your problem and it required you to be willing to believe in a power greater than yourself? Would you choose defiance or spirituality? Happy to chat more about that possible solution (it's called Alcoholics Anonymous) if you are willing to at least keep an open mind about the possibility of there being such a power. Feel free PM me if that's the case.

I'm sorry you are in chronic pain Patcha, that would make anyone tired and unhappy. Is it not amenable to some form of treatment?

How are things patcha?

D

I'm ok Dee. Thanks for your kind words everyone.

How are you doing Patcha?

I'm feeling better, thanks Alpine. I'm off the ledge. A lot to process but I'm ok.

My thoughts are with you Patcha.

Oh Patcha! I just saw your post. I' so sorry you were down, but glad you're feeling better. I want you to know that your posts (and even your avatar) brighten my day so much when I come across them! You really make a difference! I myself have been struggling lately, and I don't think we are unique. The world is a tough place for many right now.

Thank you for all you do, and I hope you reach out more. Happy Thanksgiving!