Graceful123

Great post Betty. I'm absolutely with you. As I've mentioned a few pages back, I've been doing really well with having long windows of zero symptoms and being generally happy with life. But then those dark waves come and for a few days I'm just like "seriously? Again?". Other than my slip up a few weeks ago I'm also between months 21 and 22 now, looking forward to that 2 years mark. But I have a feeling you and I are not out of the woods yet, although I'd say I've made 90% progress towards a normal, sober, happy life, I have a feeling this last 10% is going to be the longest. One thing I've noticed is that it's so useless to try and guess your timeline of recovery. I thought I'd be done by 1 year but one of my worst panic episodes actually came on the exact day that I celebrated 1 year. And I sit here almost 2 years sober and still not completely out of the woods. Stay strong folks, I've never heard of a case where people didn't recover from PAWS. Dry, I know how tough it must be for you (I've had EVERY PAWS symptom imaginable), stay strong, I think you're just on the far end of the spectrum when it comes to the PAWS recovery timeline. Keep us updated, all of us are here for you and for each other!

BettyP

Yup - not quite out of the woods yet - just like on the edge of the woods, Graceful. I think I'm at about 80-85%. I feel like if this were any other sort of physical injury I would have more compassion for the process taking so long, like "yeah I broke my leg almost two years ago and it still physically hurts sometimes and that's ok" but since our symptoms are largely psychological, we are all (especially as alcoholics) programmed to believe that psychological symptoms are just something we need to shake off and get over . . . or not believe in at all. I will say this experience has given me a whole new appreciation for what people with chronic psychiatric conditions endure. Not that I wasn't sympathetic, but now it's like ok I definitely get it.

Graceful123

How is everyone doing? My recovery from my little screwup is progressing nicely, I've actually had zero PAWS symptoms for the last few days (and if karma has taught me anything, after typing these words, I'm sure to get a massive panic attack later today). I don't seem to actually have lost any progress in my PAWS recovery from my mistake a few weeks back. I'm getting to a really good place now. Whomever is really suffering today because of PAWS know this, it does get so much better. You will recover, it just takes time. Chances are everything you're feeling now I've felt at some point during my early recovery and most of it has gone away. I hope this inspires you to not pick up that drink today.

BettyP

Today was the first time in almost two years that I felt "real." When I feel anxiety, I feel depersonalization - and in this entire ordeal of PAWS, it has been my most persistent symptom. This afternoon I went for a walk, and I felt safe - internally. Anyone who's going through PAWS will know what I mean when I say this. I felt like I could look at things - lay my eyes on them -- something I've really struggled with while feeling DP/DR all this time. It honestly felt like a miracle. I was afraid I would not ever feel real again. I will be sober 22 months in one week - this is how long it's taken. Like Graceful said above - if you're in the thick of it in the early months of PAWS, you will heal. Do NOT drink - there is an end to PAWS. Please keep the faith - I promise you you will get through this!

Introvrtd1

Much as I hate to admit….Didn’t want to take antidepressants in the first place, but I felt I had no choice, because after 16 weeks now, I’ve been feeling terrific. Like I never had Paws, anxiety, restlessness, loss of appetite, palpitations, …..all been gone for several weeks now. Haven’t felt this good in years!

16 months sober now, and besides being on ad’s, I don’t regret quitting drinking or going on meds. I still don’t wanna be on antidepressants, but it feels so good to feel good again. I’ve quit antidepressants before, and replaced it with drinking. I hope never to go that route ever again.

least

^^^^

adair

I reached a point where I struggled to even look at the sky and clouds without feeling a major sense of unease. It defies all logic, but speaks volumes to how damaging alcohol can be on the underlying brain chemistry. It's only been over the last six months or so that the sky has become enchanting to me once again. It is encouraging to hear that if you lay off the substances long enough, a more 'real' you does begin to assert itself.

I have long resisted the idea of trying ad's because of all the stories, but the last few months have put me on quite the roller coaster with long, deep down segments and only the shortest of up swings. I understand how ad's can be a lifesaver and I'm glad to hear they've been able to give you peace of mind. When the PAWS beast rages, life truly becomes a living hell.

My predominant symptom lately has been a brain fog thicker than any I've had before. Jeez, but just when I think I'm getting used to one cluster of symptoms, PAWS changes tactics and switches things up. For the last week or so, though, I finally seem to be coming out of this last wave.

Overall, I'm encouraged. I see these latest symptoms as my brain upping its recalibration efforts and find comfort in knowing that each day I don't drink brings me one day closer to the 'real' me returning to center stage.

BettyP

I have found that I am still triggered by some foods - anything with excess glutamate and definitely msg. I was having a really good day yesterday then made something for dinner with a spice mix that I thought was ok. By around 11:30 pm I was starting to having anxiety symptoms and by 1:30 was having trouble fallling asleep. Then I popped back up this morning at 7 am feeling that gross cold sweat PAWS feeling - prickly skin. And I’m like “aaarrgghh - the spice mix!” So be careful what goes into your mouth still! I’ll probably have this mini wave now for a couple days - boooooo

CBS62

Hey there fellow PAWS sufferers. I have not posted in a while. I wish I could say it was because I am doing well. I am going through it as they say. I lost my brother somewhat unexpectedly in late February. Then I lost my 89 year mom April 22. On top of that I had to have two molars extracted last week. As I said on the Weekenders I feel like the universe is testing me. But I have not picked up through all of this. However, I am very depressed and discouraged. I have been on autopilot through my brother's death and my mother's illness and death. Most of the arrangements for my brother and mother have been taken care of by me. It seems I am the only functional one in the family. I honestly think that my DR and DP have helped me so far by preventing me from totally losing it. My PAWS symptoms are still with me like boaty dizziness, some insomnia, DP, DR, and a lower body tremor, health anxiety...I hope and pray that having my teeth extracted(bad old root canals that were infected) will resolve my swollen glands and malaise that I have had for year. So I fight on. But I sure would like some good news in my life.

Caramel

^ I hope things brighten for you in times ahead, CBS62.

Sometimes there does seem to be a tide of untoward events that just keep coming - I went through a stage some years ago where there was a loss of some kind every month - bereavements, major changes, endings - it got so I literally said to myself, ah, here's this month's test. I realise now how stressful it was, so many unhappinesses in such a short time.

So, again, I do hope things settle down for you, and you take the very best gentle care of yourself that you can.

CBS62

Thanks for your kind and wise words Caramel.

Graceful123

"I reached a point where I struggled to even look at the sky and clouds without feeling a major sense of unease. It defies all logic, but speaks volumes to how damaging alcohol can be on the underlying brain chemistry. It's only been over the last six months or so that the sky has become enchanting to me once again. It is encouraging to hear that if you lay off the substances long enough, a more 'real' you does begin to assert itself" - Adair (sorry, for some reason the proper quoting system bugged out on me)

You're absolutely right. I remember very clearly the days where looking into the distance made my brain feel like it's falling into the abyss for about 0.1 second. It's the most strange, inexplainable feeling that I feel like only those in recovery would understand. And I agree 100%, the damage is extensive. I think the first year I struggled to really function as a human being. I was either always anxious, had bouts of depression or random episodes of derealization/depersonalization.

But over time ALL those symptoms eased off.

BettyP

Hi CB - My gosh I am so sorry to hear about your double losses. I thought just losing my dad was horrible, but how awful and terrible for you. Sending lots of love and strength your way. I am glad you checked in I have been thinking about you and hoping to hear that you're still staying the course - you're having a real bad time of it like a few of us. Just remember each month you're getting closer to it being done with. I was thinking about what you said about being the only one who can deal with the arrangements for the services - that has been my experience as well, and doesn't it just speak volumes as to how we ended up alcoholic in the first place? All of the emotional heavy lifting, all the "adulting" as the kids say, in our families - left up to us to take care of whether we like it or not. Who wouldn't lean on something like alcohol to check out?
Again, I'm glad to hear you're hanging in there - PAWS is not totally done with me, but after 18 months things start to really improve and you're like "ok I can hang on." It's the months leading up to real progress when you're like "I don't believe this will ever stop." It will! It will. I just passed 22 months yesterday - I took a spontaneous long drive with my mother -- two incredibly anxiety inducing situations for this PAWS agoraphobe, and aside from 10-15 minutes of anxiety right when we got to where we were going, I did great! We even had a good time - a miracle for me with my mother - - I thank sobriety for that as we have not gotten along for decades. You are doing so great - you're going to survive this. They say the universe only gives you what you can handle, and I think that's a load of crap - what you're going through is unmanageable - - but you're doing it, and you're not picking up. If you just don't pick up every day, your work for the day is complete. Big virtual hug to you :-)

Vindawgs

Cb, so sorry to hear of your loss yet again. My condolences. You sure are in the right path of sobriety. Your staying strong and your on the right path heading towards that tunnel of light. Seems that when we're on a limb trying to get ourselves on solid ground we get all these tests of how strong we really are. God bless you for being there and handling your family duties during these difficult times especially while fighting this beast which we will overcome slowly but surely.

Introvrtd1

Week 17 on AD’s. Never thought I’d see better days, but they’re finally here. 16 months sober now but still wasn’t getting any better till I went on this ‘pill’. While Not a benzo but it’s at least something that I can wean off a lot easier.

My serotonin and dopamine levels were pretty messed up after I quit drinking, but this AD ‘pill’ seems to have me back on track and happy where I am now.

BettyP

One of my last symptoms to leave is killer headaches. They’ll start overnight and wake up and linger all day. It’s the sign of a wave of days. Nothing touched them it’s crazy. I never had them before getting sober. They’ve been getting fewer and farther between, but man when they hit - like today - they crush my skull.

Vindawgs

Betty

I know the feeling. Those headaches would definitely be a sign. Wave is coming. It was start and sometimes no matter the over the counter nsaid I took , they really wouldn't help. But they get better. I'm at 31 months and it gets better day by day. Hope your feeling better.

ant385

Can I just give a bit of advice. If you drink a lot of caffeine… DONT. I recently stopped drinking coffee. Was easily sinking 600mg a day. Stupid I know. But hey I was addicted to that two. Now only have a few cokes a day so around 100mg. My anxiety has improved drastically even after 1 week.
I only just discovered that caffeine inhibits GABA (does not down regulate receptors so not like alcohol). Stopping caffeine allows GABA to do its thing more.

TheSoberNord

Hey gang it's been a while since Iast posted.
I hit 2 years last month and this past weekend I added an extra month to that.
Life is getting better and I don't feel like a prisoner so much in my own skin as I have before.
Been enjoying going for walks again, hitting the gym with more normalcy but still not back to my old levels but after taking over a year off it will take a while to get back to my previous levels.
And most importantly of all I feel a lot more relaxed and normal than I have in a long time. I still get some odd moments where I feel off but it doesn't last as long as it used to. Sleep is pretty good but if I have a few nights strung together where I get some lousy sleep I can feel like I'm going through an PAWS episode for the day but at a much duller roar. I can function without feeling like I need to lock myself away in the bedroom and not come out till I felt somewhat "normal"

So overall life is getting better. About this time last year I remember I was starting to feel a little better than I did from months 9-12 but I sometimes wondered if I ever was going to be living a normal life again. It really wasn't till last October the 18th month that I suddenly realized that I felt normal and not like the normal I was used too where I felt ok but I still had this little bit of dread in the back of my head gnawing at me all the time. Still took a while though I recall Thanksgiving week being a little brutal to get through. For the most part I don't think about PAWS that much and most of my sobriety work has gone a bit on the back burner lately.

One thing I will confess though in the past anytime I try to quit which was usually after a really bad binger I could tell when I was feeling better when my brain started to romanticize drinking again whatever it was a few days or even a few months later and being 2 years sober is no different it appears. When I first quit I was completely disgusted by it and wanted nothing to do with it anymore. Then a few months after that I would start thinking of drinking again but it was more as a way to self medicate just to feel normal for a few frikin hours! But I swear these last couple weeks it's re-entered my head so many times. Or even hearing the sound of a beer cap pooping off in a movie would almost have me drooling. Random thoughts like wow, am I really going to be some boring G rated teetotaler cowboy for the rest of my life especially when around work and people start swapping their weekend drinking stories and my only big story is about mowing the lawn or what I grilled or showing off a picture of a snake I saw while taking my dog for a walk. Wouldn't it be fun to go hang out with these guys? Even just for a few drinks?

But just as quick as they come the feelings go. I've been there and done that. Sure I haven't been everywhere and seen everything but I've been fu*ked up and made an ass out of myself more times than I can count. When they feel intense I just tell myself what the last 2 years felt like. I was a prisoner in my own skin and tormented in my mind. I could hardly walk down the hallway without feeling weirded out and had to really concentrate just to do a simple load of laundry. I couldn't walk without massive anxiety because I couldn't see my house anymore. I would hide out at work while I silently screamed into my shirt and walking back out like everything was just normal. I had panic attacks driving. I had panic attacks if I felt like I ate a little to much. I had panic attacks just thinking to much about having panic attacks! I would get random unwanted thoughts in my head telling me I was a fu*k up, I'm a piece of sh*t, kill yourself and have vivid images of me blowing my brains out.
So yeah no thanks, I only ever wanted to that one time in my life. Plus it scares me since I've heard from multiple sources that if you go through this again it will be worse. I don't know if I would be tough enough to do it all over again with everything turned up to 11!
So yeah, the guys at work can enjoy their drinks without me. I may not have the most exciting life to talk about but at least I feel like I'm calling the shots for the first time in a LOOOONG time!

BettyP

Just have to come on and vent. I am still on track with recovery and all, but I've been going through a LONG wave the last week and a half, which is really limiting and frustrating. When a wave drags on it feels like you're starting over again. Some things I haven't had for a while now have cropped back up in the last week - tingling in my foot, GI symptoms (nausea in the morning, no appetite but panic attacks from low blood sugar etc. - depersonalization and anxiety and dread in general/overall), sensitivity to smells and sounds and light. The only thing that's new is feeling like my body is really heavy some days - like my limbs are made of lead. And if I don't eat every three hours I get panic attacks, but I am gaining weight and feeling super self conscious about my body. I looked that up and it is indeed a thing that people over on Benzo Buddies experience. But while I know this is all normal .. I AM SO FRUSTRATED TODAY. I can't take anymore!! I know recovery is happening and "right around the corner" but I am at almost 23 months, which is almost two years, and I feel so defeated to still be having tough waves. I've done everything right! It's not fair you guys - PAWS is the worst. Just have to say that today. F PAWS. I really can't live with the anxiety is really my biggest awful symptom. The DREAD. It's like living in a creepy old black and white movie.