Creating New Habits
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Advbike- YA, I kind of woke up one morning and said. "AM I IN A CULT?" I just couldn't understand what was going on with me and why I allowed this person to get in my head so deeply. I did see the toxicity of it all. Years of superior/ inferior behavior. I dont know.
We do play out stuff in our lives. My family of origin was very toxic. I was not given much in the way of guidance, self esteem, or shown healthy behaviors. In fact, I only learned what I did not want to be. I have to remember that this person, staring back at me in the mirror, raised herself. Whatever I have internally/ externally are 100% from trial and error. Hard won self esteem. Hard won building up of who I am, In my family of origin, the words like I described were daily repetition. We didnt support or encourage. We tore down, broke, and condemned. So, I do think I came to a place of seeing that the overly hypercritical behavior would only create for an unwell MIzz. I am not steel. I am also not back in my childhood. Removing myself was the best thing I could do to ensure I continue on with my positive self.
As I get away from this. and of course there are things I have not shared here, I am feeling much much much much better. My inner confidence and esteem are shining again. I am not so troubled now. My brain likes to think its a race horse. I mean, we are athletic but the mental "athleticism of anxiety" needs to stop. So, finding ways to stay in the shallow end of stuff will keep me safe and comfortable.
As for media, news, the platforms on the internet......As for all that seems to be happening in our world with information, the spread of conspiracies, and the strange place we are in that we cant really understand.....Well, I do think the internet has produced a lot of negative in our lives A LOT. Also, a great amount of positive has been generated.
When I got sober, almost two years ago, I deleted all accounts on everything. I come here. I visit the World Tribune. I read another news source and basically just live my life secluded from all of the information. I dont really need it. I can SEE what is happening and its not healthy.
BB- That real life murder mystery sounds scary. People are losing their minds.
Ive decided not to jog in the mornings outside anymore. That woman who was recently kidnapped and then the discovery of her death........Well, lets just say it does not sit well with me. My heart is sad for all these things that keep happening in our world.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON though! Lets all have a positive, productive and sober day! GOOOO US!
We do play out stuff in our lives. My family of origin was very toxic. I was not given much in the way of guidance, self esteem, or shown healthy behaviors. In fact, I only learned what I did not want to be. I have to remember that this person, staring back at me in the mirror, raised herself. Whatever I have internally/ externally are 100% from trial and error. Hard won self esteem. Hard won building up of who I am, In my family of origin, the words like I described were daily repetition. We didnt support or encourage. We tore down, broke, and condemned. So, I do think I came to a place of seeing that the overly hypercritical behavior would only create for an unwell MIzz. I am not steel. I am also not back in my childhood. Removing myself was the best thing I could do to ensure I continue on with my positive self.
As I get away from this. and of course there are things I have not shared here, I am feeling much much much much better. My inner confidence and esteem are shining again. I am not so troubled now. My brain likes to think its a race horse. I mean, we are athletic but the mental "athleticism of anxiety" needs to stop. So, finding ways to stay in the shallow end of stuff will keep me safe and comfortable.
As for media, news, the platforms on the internet......As for all that seems to be happening in our world with information, the spread of conspiracies, and the strange place we are in that we cant really understand.....Well, I do think the internet has produced a lot of negative in our lives A LOT. Also, a great amount of positive has been generated.
When I got sober, almost two years ago, I deleted all accounts on everything. I come here. I visit the World Tribune. I read another news source and basically just live my life secluded from all of the information. I dont really need it. I can SEE what is happening and its not healthy.
BB- That real life murder mystery sounds scary. People are losing their minds.
Ive decided not to jog in the mornings outside anymore. That woman who was recently kidnapped and then the discovery of her death........Well, lets just say it does not sit well with me. My heart is sad for all these things that keep happening in our world.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON though! Lets all have a positive, productive and sober day! GOOOO US!
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Oh, I forgot to say:
Advbike- YOU ARE AN OUTSTANDING HUMAN! Thanks for all your support and for the kind words. I guess its about that, right?
Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? So, as I go about this day Im going to write those three questions down and use them if I get sideways. You are a positive force in this place and a role model! Keep being awesome. I am glad to know you.
ALL OF YOU!
Advbike- YOU ARE AN OUTSTANDING HUMAN! Thanks for all your support and for the kind words. I guess its about that, right?
Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? So, as I go about this day Im going to write those three questions down and use them if I get sideways. You are a positive force in this place and a role model! Keep being awesome. I am glad to know you.
ALL OF YOU!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
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Thank you for your uplifting and kind words, Mizz. You are a shining light, in spite of your toxic upbringing. You have overcome those obstacles.
I am so happy you have turned things around from this most recent bump in the road - you have an indomitable inner spirit!
It's late and I need sleep, haha. Best to you for a great weekend!
I am so happy you have turned things around from this most recent bump in the road - you have an indomitable inner spirit!
It's late and I need sleep, haha. Best to you for a great weekend!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
An unwavering sense of self. I love that. You have a lot of people here like me and all the others that post here, and in the real world, that love you. You know that, I do too and I know that, but sometimes I also know that its just not enough. But you got this girl, can see that!
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Thank you Advbike and Dropsie! Truly.
I had a restful weekend. Got on a few runs. Lifted weights. Napped. Removed electronics from noon until this morning. That was a nice break. Ran uphill on the treadmill this morning while listening to a podcast. Chanted.
I can say with certainty that I am not sure how it all happened, but I woke up from whatever spell I was under and took action.
Will there be repercussions? I don't know. I don't care. I have to live my life and live it in positivity.
With each day, I am feeling freedom and I feel uplifted. Doing the things that WORK! Sobriety works. Chanting works. Running works. Surrounding myself with love, works. No one can negate the growth or the way things have turned around. I may be learning some things slowly and other things at rapid speed. That is just how life is. I like me. I'm not angry. I think I learned a valuable lesson about myself and about others. I have my role. I am looking at it.
Shower time and then off to the circus!
I had a restful weekend. Got on a few runs. Lifted weights. Napped. Removed electronics from noon until this morning. That was a nice break. Ran uphill on the treadmill this morning while listening to a podcast. Chanted.
I can say with certainty that I am not sure how it all happened, but I woke up from whatever spell I was under and took action.
Will there be repercussions? I don't know. I don't care. I have to live my life and live it in positivity.
With each day, I am feeling freedom and I feel uplifted. Doing the things that WORK! Sobriety works. Chanting works. Running works. Surrounding myself with love, works. No one can negate the growth or the way things have turned around. I may be learning some things slowly and other things at rapid speed. That is just how life is. I like me. I'm not angry. I think I learned a valuable lesson about myself and about others. I have my role. I am looking at it.
Shower time and then off to the circus!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
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Hey Mizz - great to see you are doing so well and great to see all the familiar names on this thread. It's a perfect thread for me to run into this morning as I am struggling lately with the results and repercussions of all the old self-destructive/self-limiting habits and patterns that you and others identify here. Personally, I work in a profession where the stakes are high and procrastination/avoidance can result in very damaging consequences. Even with the incredible gifts of sobriety, those old patterns and habits are still so tough to kick. The work is the work is the work. Thank you for this thread. A great reminder.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Less, so good to see you, and so well said:
Thanks!
Personally, I work in a profession where the stakes are high and procrastination/avoidance can result in very damaging consequences. Even with the incredible gifts of sobriety, those old patterns and habits are still so tough to kick. The work is the work is the work.
I am struggling with all of that at the moment.Thanks!
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Originally Posted by lessgravity 
Hey Mizz - great to see you are doing so well and great to see all the familiar names on this thread. It's a perfect thread for me to run into this morning as I am struggling lately with the results and repercussions of all the old self-destructive/self-limiting habits and patterns that you and others identify here. Personally, I work in a profession where the stakes are high and procrastination/avoidance can result in very damaging consequences. Even with the incredible gifts of sobriety, those old patterns and habits are still so tough to kick. The work is the work is the work. Thank you for this thread. A great reminder.
I believe in you, me, and all of us. We are doing the work! GOOOO US!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
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That person saying that to you reminded me of two of my good friends. They are both very outspoken women. Things have been said to them. One of them mentioned someone had told her she was "too loud", whatever that means. She felt bad about it but I told her that was one of my favorite things about her.
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"In the spirit of never being defeated"
That was how I started the email I've been sending every month for the last year and a half. There are different variations of emails but the nuts and bolts of the email was "Are there any local meetings to attend?" "HELLO?"
After many many diligent emails, Soka Gakkai International got back to me and I will be attending a Nichiren Buddhism meeting next week. Its local. Im elated but I am also nervous. This goal of meeting people who practice locally has been reached.
From there, after a few meetings, and some other stuff that I am not clear on, I can apply to receive the Gohonzon.
I guess the message is: Diligent monthly emails will produce a positive result.
Everything else in the Mizz world is going well. I am healthy. Happy. Sober on all levels. Anxiety is on the back burner.
I heard back from the psychologist and they dont accept my insurance. A big part of me says "You dont need therapy, Mizz. You are doing really well and have been." Another part of me says "The freight train episodes are awful and they upend your life at times."
I will keep searching for the answers that work for my life. Stay the course and remain positive.
Off to run and get in weights. I then head to the circus.
Have a good day everyone.
That was how I started the email I've been sending every month for the last year and a half. There are different variations of emails but the nuts and bolts of the email was "Are there any local meetings to attend?" "HELLO?"
After many many diligent emails, Soka Gakkai International got back to me and I will be attending a Nichiren Buddhism meeting next week. Its local. Im elated but I am also nervous. This goal of meeting people who practice locally has been reached.
From there, after a few meetings, and some other stuff that I am not clear on, I can apply to receive the Gohonzon.
I guess the message is: Diligent monthly emails will produce a positive result.
Everything else in the Mizz world is going well. I am healthy. Happy. Sober on all levels. Anxiety is on the back burner.
I heard back from the psychologist and they dont accept my insurance. A big part of me says "You dont need therapy, Mizz. You are doing really well and have been." Another part of me says "The freight train episodes are awful and they upend your life at times."
I will keep searching for the answers that work for my life. Stay the course and remain positive.
Off to run and get in weights. I then head to the circus.
Have a good day everyone.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I hope the meeting has gone well, and met your expectations, Mizz. Let us know!
I have been thinking a lot about your focus on structuring your day and think it would help me to do more of that, so am working on it! I hope all is well.
I have been thinking a lot about your focus on structuring your day and think it would help me to do more of that, so am working on it! I hope all is well.
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Apparently there is a specific way to use allergy nose spray. Spray lightly towards the eye while the contraption is in the nose. Sniff lightly. We dont want the allergy nose spray to go to the back of the throat.
I will be undergoing an allergy scratch test in a few weeks to see what is causing the fluid build up behind my eardrum. For now, I am using two different nose sprays twice a day, and a water rinse twice a day. Twice a day. Ive never put this much stuff up my nose before.
Of course the fluid behind my ear drum decided to take the hour off and not present itself when I was with the allergist. "I swear I am not a hypochondriac. There is something wrong with my eustachian tube, fluid build up, and so much pressure that I feel like my head is going to pop. The doctor I saw before, like ions ago, gave me antibiotics but this is not an infection. Will you just stick something in there and syphon out the fluid?"
It doesnt work that way. No syphoning. We will see. As I write this, the fluid is there and its annoying the crap out of me. All of this started maybe two years ago. Almost two years ago. The allergist says that I probably have seasonal allergies. "All year long?" I mean, ALL YEAR LONG?" since the weather is perpetually the same all year long he said "Yes, all year long seasonal allergies!"
I hope I am not allergic to my family.
The Nichiren Buddhism meeting was wonderful. I am so happy to be with people who share in the same practice. Diligence pays off. I am one step closer to receiving the Gohonzon. The ultimate goal here. I look forward to attending future meetings.
Everything else is going well. I am happy. I am centered on all levels. I am sober.
Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually level and sober.
Advbike- Yes, structure is a thing that has given me a lot of balance and focus.
Dusty- Thank you for your support.
Dee- Its okay about the insurance. Its par for the course.
I will be undergoing an allergy scratch test in a few weeks to see what is causing the fluid build up behind my eardrum. For now, I am using two different nose sprays twice a day, and a water rinse twice a day. Twice a day. Ive never put this much stuff up my nose before.
Of course the fluid behind my ear drum decided to take the hour off and not present itself when I was with the allergist. "I swear I am not a hypochondriac. There is something wrong with my eustachian tube, fluid build up, and so much pressure that I feel like my head is going to pop. The doctor I saw before, like ions ago, gave me antibiotics but this is not an infection. Will you just stick something in there and syphon out the fluid?"
It doesnt work that way. No syphoning. We will see. As I write this, the fluid is there and its annoying the crap out of me. All of this started maybe two years ago. Almost two years ago. The allergist says that I probably have seasonal allergies. "All year long?" I mean, ALL YEAR LONG?" since the weather is perpetually the same all year long he said "Yes, all year long seasonal allergies!"
I hope I am not allergic to my family.
The Nichiren Buddhism meeting was wonderful. I am so happy to be with people who share in the same practice. Diligence pays off. I am one step closer to receiving the Gohonzon. The ultimate goal here. I look forward to attending future meetings.
Everything else is going well. I am happy. I am centered on all levels. I am sober.
Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually level and sober.
Advbike- Yes, structure is a thing that has given me a lot of balance and focus.
Dusty- Thank you for your support.
Dee- Its okay about the insurance. Its par for the course.
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OoooOOOOOOoooooo
Nice catch up on the thread, and Mizz, so glad things have turned around. Hi Dropsie and less🤓❤️
Mizz, this is for you. I’m wearing the blessing bracelet this monk placed on my wrist until the threads wear off…
”In the spirit of never being defeated”. BRILLIANT….. I’m stealing it, y’a know, in the spirit of……”borrowing”😉😀
This one’s for you, dear Mizz…..
Nice catch up on the thread, and Mizz, so glad things have turned around. Hi Dropsie and less🤓❤️
Mizz, this is for you. I’m wearing the blessing bracelet this monk placed on my wrist until the threads wear off…
”In the spirit of never being defeated”. BRILLIANT….. I’m stealing it, y’a know, in the spirit of……”borrowing”😉😀
This one’s for you, dear Mizz…..
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Update on my dorkiness….. got a metal splinter in my eye yesterday. Denied it, vehemently DENIED. Hubby getting firm, “I’m a DOCTOR, Free. You need and opthomologist NOW!
Had to get it dug out like a splinter, it was in my Iris, near my pupil. Little sore today. But…I can seeeeeee.
Much love,
F
Had to get it dug out like a splinter, it was in my Iris, near my pupil. Little sore today. But…I can seeeeeee.
Much love,
F
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Sober thoughts:
I am very happy to be coming up on two years of sobriety. I feel like I am worlds away from that awful week on October 8th, and I also feel like that week is still fresh in my emotions. The morning of October 8th was the saddest day of my personal existence here on the planet. I am grateful to have made the decision to stay the course of sobriety no matter what.
Structure:
Structuring my life has been the key to sobriety. Initially treating myself like I was in boot camp and not letting my head get in the way of stopping actions. Wake, SR, run, eat, work, home, bath, sr, sleep. Throw in a book here and there. Throw in a podcast here and there. Throw in an essential, herb, or amino acid here and there. Stay the course. Reap the rewards.
Anxiety:
Ive learned recently that becoming friends with my anxiety is the best solution. These flare ups are becoming less. With less intensity. I think they will always exist to a certain degree. Tools and more tools to get me back on the planet when my head goes off the rails. The greatest challenge is that I remained sober through it and continued to remain sober. I met that challenge head on, Never once have I thought that alcohol would make anything better. I knew alcohol was the reason as to why I was such a mess to begin with. Diligent internal house cleaning.
Boundaries:
I have learned boundaries the hard way. Recently ending a friendship of seven years. This decision was very hard to make but has proven to be the healthiest choice for my well being. I am sad about this. Its okay to be sad about the loss of a friendship. What is not okay is to allow detrimental behaviors to exist in my life. I knew, in the deepest parts of myself, that this was going to be the outcome. The knowing does not change the grief I feel. However, each day away from this friendship has given me hope, determination, and the thoughts that I will not be defeated.
Happiness:
That feeling or state of being. It was elusive to me. Happiness was for other people. The main reason for starting the practice of Nichiren Buddhism was to obtain happiness for myself and for others. Mainly myself. To be healthy and solid in my waking hours while I am on the planet. I am happy now. That internal resolve did not come without a lot of struggle. It did not come without the hard work. Some of the work was so intense that I didnt think I could make it through. There is gratitude in knowing that I have another day to make a difference in this life. One more day. Today. Yes, I will have terrible days. Good days. The in between days. The feeling that I am okay, deeply okay. is one that will never go away.
Community:
From my perspective, sobriety does require support. We need each other to stay the course. We learn from one another. We hold up the light for others while they make their way out of the dark. The light was held up for me when I started this journey. Its still being held as I walk with all of you. Community is powerful.
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically I am well today. I am standing up straight.
I am very happy to be coming up on two years of sobriety. I feel like I am worlds away from that awful week on October 8th, and I also feel like that week is still fresh in my emotions. The morning of October 8th was the saddest day of my personal existence here on the planet. I am grateful to have made the decision to stay the course of sobriety no matter what.
Structure:
Structuring my life has been the key to sobriety. Initially treating myself like I was in boot camp and not letting my head get in the way of stopping actions. Wake, SR, run, eat, work, home, bath, sr, sleep. Throw in a book here and there. Throw in a podcast here and there. Throw in an essential, herb, or amino acid here and there. Stay the course. Reap the rewards.
Anxiety:
Ive learned recently that becoming friends with my anxiety is the best solution. These flare ups are becoming less. With less intensity. I think they will always exist to a certain degree. Tools and more tools to get me back on the planet when my head goes off the rails. The greatest challenge is that I remained sober through it and continued to remain sober. I met that challenge head on, Never once have I thought that alcohol would make anything better. I knew alcohol was the reason as to why I was such a mess to begin with. Diligent internal house cleaning.
Boundaries:
I have learned boundaries the hard way. Recently ending a friendship of seven years. This decision was very hard to make but has proven to be the healthiest choice for my well being. I am sad about this. Its okay to be sad about the loss of a friendship. What is not okay is to allow detrimental behaviors to exist in my life. I knew, in the deepest parts of myself, that this was going to be the outcome. The knowing does not change the grief I feel. However, each day away from this friendship has given me hope, determination, and the thoughts that I will not be defeated.
Happiness:
That feeling or state of being. It was elusive to me. Happiness was for other people. The main reason for starting the practice of Nichiren Buddhism was to obtain happiness for myself and for others. Mainly myself. To be healthy and solid in my waking hours while I am on the planet. I am happy now. That internal resolve did not come without a lot of struggle. It did not come without the hard work. Some of the work was so intense that I didnt think I could make it through. There is gratitude in knowing that I have another day to make a difference in this life. One more day. Today. Yes, I will have terrible days. Good days. The in between days. The feeling that I am okay, deeply okay. is one that will never go away.
Community:
From my perspective, sobriety does require support. We need each other to stay the course. We learn from one another. We hold up the light for others while they make their way out of the dark. The light was held up for me when I started this journey. Its still being held as I walk with all of you. Community is powerful.
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically I am well today. I am standing up straight.
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