Mizz

Its Mothers Day week.
Flowers, flowers and more flowers up until this upcoming Monday. Then its University Graduation. More flowers, and more flowers, and......more flowers. I think I will stay in the right here and now and not get too ahead of myself.

I feel happy and unstressed. Stable. Doing all the things that make life shine. I spent the last few days in the yard, planting, tarping, weed pulling, going to the dump. The rain comes and goes in the am and then by mid day its warm and pleasant. We took down a wall of Jasmine. When I say a wall, I mean an entire one bedroom apartment Uhaul's worth. The thing was filled to the brim. My neighbor now has more light in her home, and we have space to plant and to let things grow again. Jasmine can be destructive if left unattended. This is what happened. This is what we inherited. This is what we left unattended because we didnt really know how to attend to this giant thing that was our wall of Jasmine. It was a beautiful beast.

We have a clean slate now with unlimited possibilities. The sky is the limit.

We also found ourselves down at the local Nursery buying a water fountain. Im excited for when this statement piece arrives and we are listening to the fall of the water, in our yard and in our home. Its going to be AMAZING! Just amazing.

So, I am doing well. Better than well. I am happy.


Tis all.

Mizz

9 mile jog this morning. Got in weights and squats..... Mowed the lawn. Washed the dishes.

The water fountain is flowing. Its peaceful.

Mothers Day weekend was a success. Almost $9000.00 in sales. I mean, for a small department in a small store.....I think its outstanding!

The sun is finally out to greet us. Its warmish......Coastal weather. We take what we can get.

I am Grateful and immensely Thankful to be sober.
19 months on Sunday. That first year plus was quite difficult on many different levels. I processed and over processed and worked diligently to get level. All the hard work has paid off.....At least for today. I mean, tomorrow could be a wild ride. That is LIFE though.

So, Im heading to the dentist and then I think I will rest for the remainder of the day.

Keep on keeping on, Everyone!

Mizz

Its been a long haul the last two weeks. We made it through Mothers Day and Graduation. YAY! GO US!
I kind of hit a wall yesterday and felt the exhaustion take over. I just could not wrap, arrange, cut, or do anything more related to flowers. I need a breather. Its been fun. Its been real. Its been real fun and now I rest.

Physical health is solid.
Mental health. Solid
Emotional health. Solid
Spiritual Health. Solid

The tryptophan I have been taking works. Im not spinning around in my thoughts, If I start to spin then its forgotten and I move on.
The hamster has left the wheel.

Its going to be a great day.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like some quiet R & R is in your future—enjoy!

Mizz

8 mile run yesterday.

Nap.

Focused on this last part of the certification by building an online portfolio. Its professional and looks good. I just need to get over my perfectionism and hit SEND.

I took the final test yesterday (questions) and rushed through it. I got a B. I knew I was speeding on by and not really giving these questions 100%. So, I live with the B now. Its my doing. It is what it is. It is perfectly acceptable.

Note to self: Put your perfectionism aside for a bit. No one has time for all this perfection. The world is still spinning around and you are giving it your best even in the moments when you know you can give another 30% and hit the home run.

Those new running shoes I bought a few months back? They are awful. I'm so disappointed in what the brand has done. I have a different pair and brand coming in the mail today. I've been wearing an old pair for awhile now due to not wanting to surrender to buying another pair of expensive running shoes. No, I do not have an endless supply of money.

The most important question in regards to this new brand:
Does this mean I change my name?

Mizz is from Mizuno running shoes.

There has been no other running shoe in my life since I started running 14 years ago.....or 13 years. The years is not the point.

The point: Its the end of an era. I am feeling all sorts of ways about this. Talk about dramedy! I hope this doesn't send me over the edge. I kind of feel like a traitor. To myself. To Mizuno. To this firm rule I had.

Yes, I have scoured the internet for the shoes that I love with all my heart. They are gone. Just like the jeans I wore for years. Gone. Im a creature of habit.

Off to chant, weights, eat bananas and go to the place that pays me!

plop

Mizz, I don't know if this makes you feel any easier, I've never been faithful to one shoe brand, but Mizuno really disappointed me a few years ago. They had their Wave Hitogami line. Probably the best racing flats I've ever had. Loved those shoes. Then they stopped making them. No more Wave Hitogami.

I've tried some other Mizuno shoes since, but they don't even come close. Talk about dramedy!

Mizz

Plop- This does make me feel a bit easier about this dramedy! I plan on writing a scathing letter to the Mizuno company.

Clears throat

"Dear Mizuno,
You have singlehandedly destroyed my life. Yes, I know you are asking yourself how this could be? How could a sports wear company singlehandedly destroy one persons life? Well, I have a running list of all the ways that my life will never be the same and it all starts with the discontinuation of my favorite, and I MEAN FAVORITE, running shoe! .......

And then I go into all the trauma I have experienced and so on and so forth. I add in my friend Plop and the disappointment they have experienced. This letter is hand written. I put some water on the page to smear the words a little and let them know its actual tears from my broken heart. I also go into how I think I have to change my screen name on a sobriety forum and its really just an upheaval of my entire existence. THANK YOU FOR NOTHING, MIZUNO!"

Signed........No name AKA Mizzuno.

advbike

Hahaha, I had to login just to tell you how much I enjoy your writing (again), Mizz. So funny and creative, yet sprinkled with nuggets of truth. Gems.

You’re doing so well in all aspects, its a joy to watch!

I have struggled with shoes for years due to forefoot pain. They have to be just right. This gets expensive, especially with cycling shoes. And constant “updates”, lol.. So when I do luck out, I have been known to promptly buy a second pair, to rotate them and stretch the joy out as long as possible. Good luck with the new ones!

Off on the bike before I get fried!

FiveTries

So you are changing your name to Hoka now?

I'm a major creature of habit and brand loyalist myself. I feel your pain.

Hope you find shoes that work for you.

I need to get running again, thanks for the reminder. I've been slacking. Somehow I worked out much more consistently when I was still drinking. Not exactly sure how that happened though.

JamesW

Great post Mizz

Hawkeye13

Try Altras Mizz—good shoes

plop

Mizz, love your writing!

Mizz

I walked off my job yesterday. Go Me!

Opened the door to my managers office and said "Im leaving!" and then I left. Drove home angry. Stayed angry for a few hours.
Here I am this morning......Less angry but still in a place of emotion. This situation I am in with my work is not sustainable with the staffing we have. No, we are not hiring. For some reason we are not hiring......

Floral, Wellness, Housewares........
What does that entail? A ton of work. Only two people a day. 3 different areas to manage and to make sure its properly stocked, ordered, on sale, and moving out the door. With floral increasing in volume and sales, it takes A LOT more work to keep the department running.

The last two weeks the staffing was solely in Floral. Why? Mothers Day and Graduation. These events, and they are events, take time and take planning. Highly perishable products. So, this means Wellness and Housewares (Wellness- Supplements and beauty care) were on the backburner. Once I made it to Wellness, cause its been a few weeks, the floral department was left unworked. Its perishable.
Highly perishable.

I have holes and orders to place in wellness. Backstock. Making sure the pricing is accurate. Making sure our invoices are accurate. Making sure ALL these areas are above water. We just cant do this with two people alone. Im not even being dramatic here. The job is really BIG. It took two people yesterday to try to make a dent in the wellness work that was sitting there from our time spent in Floral.

Anyways......I got angry. No staff. Ive asked for part time help. Its a story of utilizing the staff we have on hand. The staff we have on hand has their own work. So, Im exhausted. Its only two people. We are failing. My manager comes along to let me know a customer told him the plants need watering outside....I lost it. I just internally combusted and stayed that way for the remainder of the day. Internally exploded and if I exploded on the outside it was 10% of what I was feeling on the inside. So I left.

Taking care of myself means that I know when to exit the stage. The work needs are not being met and it doesn't matter how much I talk about this. Nothing changes if nothing changes, I don't see this changing. I mean they are trying. Its just not sustainable and I have said this many many many times. I cant work on HIGH HIGH ENERGY with one day off for two weeks and expect myself to stay calm, cool and collected. Its just not going to happen.

Do I think I am undervalued in this situation. Absolutely. Its not a pity party I am having. Its a fact.

My job is not even in management. Im not even a Team Leader. My title: Department Head. The only department head in the entire company, and the entire history of the store, that manages three different areas in a store with a team of one person a day.
So, I am having a moment, like I do, once or twice a year, where I explode and sit with the explosion.

Has there been a raise of any sort in the past few years? No. None. I am at the top of the pay scale for a department head.
I manage and run and have always done this job of "Team Leader" but without the title and without the pay. Its quite interesting and for this I think the company is completely taking advantage. Completely.

I mean, my own managers do not even know where any of the products are at in the Wellness department. Its a aisle of confusion for them. That is another story for another time.

I really need to change. I need to change. I have to put myself first.
Im chanting for a change.

I finished the 10 month Floral certification course the other night. I should receive the certification in the mail soon.
That is two certifications in less than one year.
GO ME!

Free2bme888

Wow!

First, I’m soooooo glad you did you! Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right thing. In ANY thing.

Reminds me of 43 years ago, I worked for Kentucky Fried Chicken for two days.

The first day, I was put behind the counter to put orders together, two, three piece lunches, etc and soda/pop stuff, cashier. I couldn’t put myself in a position to self the wings, just batter over bones. Horrible to charge someone that, so I put thighs, drumsticks, and breasts in those boxes. At the end of the day, I. The hopper, we’re about 150 wings.

The manager said, ‘Hey, (Free), what’s THIS!!!?.??”I replied that it was wrong, I just couldn’t. And I mentioned the cockroaches I saw in the back where they cooked the chicken. And I was appalled that mash potatoes came from a commercial tub, and the gravy came from a manufacturing plant in a carton. “Yep, sometimes we have bugs, and we have to make money! Get it right tomorrow!”

Ugh. I went in, worked half a day until a man came in with a six pack of these rolls we’d give, and he screamed, “Look at this!” He broke them apart, and they were green inside. 🤢🤮

I went home ‘for lunch’. Said I was sick (I was, what a horrible place!)

I called and said I’m not coming in tomorrow either. And when the manager asked when I would be back, I said “Never!”

And, I was true to me, I could NEVER go back. And I haven’t eaten there but once, in a different state, after I met hubby he wanted a breast which they cooked to order. I barely wolfed it down 🤢

Good for you, Mizz, Or should I call you Aesics? I LOVE those for running. When I ran. When I used to be someone that ran. 😐

Love, love, your posts. Seriously, you could make money writing. Do you like it? We do!

Much Love and hugs for doing the right thing by you,

Mizz

FREE! I also worked a fast food job for maybe a day?!

Burger King. I was 18 years old. Head set on and listening to the person talking to me. Trying to take orders and pushing the buttons. I was embarrassed to be there and felt "above" the work. This was in San Diego, CA. Anyways, I took the headset off and walked right out the door. I just could not do what I was doing then. I was arrogant and very very young.

I think you had every reason to never go back to Kentucky Fried Chicken. That situation sounded intolerable. Good for you! You were taking care of yourself and knowing what is right.

So, I walked but it does not mean I quit. I just left. I am going back to this place because:

1) I have a mortgage
2) I bought a fancy Subaru and I need to pay for it
3) My cats, myself and my spouse have to eat food.
4) I like my work
5) I have not found another job yet ........

My mother married a man who was in and out of prison. She would steal my poems and send them off to her spouse while he was locked up for months or sometimes years.

I even had a weekend vacation in San Quentin Prison once. I think that was the name of the Prison? We went there when "Family Visitation" was a thing. The blankets were thick wool and had sand all over them. The lamps were bolted to the side tables. There was a swing set outside. So, there I was in prison, at 10 years old, swinging on a swing while my mother "visited" her husband in the tiny one bedroom prison house.

When I was 12 years old I wrote an essay about Methamphetamine and the destruction it causes in a family. I sent this essay off and was awarded 1st place for the state. I think that is how that went? Anyways, my mother stole the award I won too. It was a savings bond.

Haha!

Mizz

The point of all that stuff up there, in that post where I was in prison for two days, was that I like to write. A lot. It helps me to process my life and helps me to "Figure" out whatever It is I need to figure out. It also just helps to get all the thoughts out of this overly busy brain. There are so many many thoughts that swim around in there.

So, I do love it. Its a big part of my world.

advbike

And you do it very well, Mizz. I seriously hope you do something with that remarkable talent.

I'm sorry to hear about those aspects of your childhood.

Thanks, Mizz, for being here and being so authentic.

Mizz

Well, I drove my new car to the place where I get paid this morning. I walked in and worked.

There was no conversations to be had. "Good Morning" was all that was said. I guess my internal explosion was not as apparent to everyone else. For some reason I think everyone can see my thoughts, and see the fire breathing dragon that has suddenly appeared before them. So, progress for sure on my part. We also had enough staffing today to get the work done. GO US!

I also would like to take note of how easily I moved through this internal explosion. My usual play of these types of scenarios is to get sideways for a few days. This "Sideways" only lasted for an evening and a little into the morning. I was done with the "I am on a different planet and am not sure when I will resurface" rather quickly. So, I think I am learning, ever so slowly, how to get back to a balanced Mizz. Its a process.

I still think, and have always thought, the level of work is not sustainable. I cant turn an apple into a pear. I just dont have the magic to fix this thing that has always been. Its not in my job description! Anyways........

It has been suggested that I write a proposal for my work. I think I will spend some time writing a few drafts and then submit this proposal.

New Job Title: Team Leader of Tiny Bottles Of Confusion.
At the bottom of this proposal I will put in small print:
(I don't really care about this AWESOME JOB TITLE I have invented. A raise will suffice. So, if you could just throw a few dollars on to the hourly wage we wont ever have to speak of this AWESOME JOB TITLE again. Thanks for reading! )

I dont want to come across as If I think I deserve. Deserve this and that. Im just trying to have a healthy life and work balance. A healthy approach to all of this. I think that is the main goal. Health on all levels. A fair game. A "lets all work hard but not so hard that we explode" and "Lets staff these areas appropriately" approach.

Life is just so strange and its such an interesting journey to walk.
Onwards. Upwards, Good things do happen every single day. Today was good. Today was healthy.

Oh, and some people believe in the Mercury Retrograde thing. So, I am going with that for now. All the confusion and the upheavals happening is due to how the planets are moving in the Universe. Yep. That has to be it. That is the one and only reason!

Mizz

I just love it when I wake up at 3:30 in the morning with mild heartburn. I then lay there for another 15 minutes because ITS TOO EARLY in the morning to be awake. My cats are swirled up on the bed patiently waiting for me to open my eyes or slightly move.

As I lay there I think about all the reasons as to why I am awake. The Chinese medicine theory says that I may have some underlying grief or sadness. 3am to 5 am is the grief and sadness portion of the Chinese medicine wheel depending on what website you have checked. So, I think about that for a few minutes, and then I come to the conclusion that the reason I am awake is due to falling asleep at 7:30 pm last night. I'm not sad. I'm not in grief. I have mild heartburn from the day old pizza I ate last night.

I then think about writing. What am I to write about? I hear from all sorts of people about how they are writing a book. This seems to be a project "older people" take on when they have gained enough "life experience," I kind of have a sarcastic view on the whole "I'm writing a book" thing. Maybe its because the older I get, and I am 15,443 days old, I realize that I do not really know anything from anything, and I don't have any wisdom to impart to the masses. I just have me. This life. These things I do. Just experiencing the time as it moves into more time. Hopefully I have A LOT MORE TIME to think about all of this.

Im supposed to be in Portland today for my eye. I am tired of Portland. I used to love Portland when I was watching Portlandia. This love was before I traveled to Portland for the eye surgery. Now, I kind of loathe Portland and do not want to take the 8 hr drive to Porltand. Gas is $6.50 a gallon and the Hotels are $250.00 (because only the finest for this no name running shoe) and the food and the this and that......."Your eye looks good. Keep using those drops and we will see you in 2 months" is the message I would receive if I was in Portland today. So, I have to call to make a ZOOM meeting with the Surgeon. I wonder If she will be able to look at my eye through Zoom? Ill just get real close to the camera and stare into it. "Do you see this red part, Ms. Surgeon? I think that is where you cut out that tumor. Anyways, its only bothering me at night when I am tired. I have these handy dandy eye drops, a million dollars later, to keep things moving in the right direction. Yes, I can see! Also, why can I not find these eye drops in a one ounce bottle? Its bothering me to have a million single use plastic vials." Legit. There are little plastic vials everywhere.......

My new brand running shoes are lost somewhere. That was the email I received. The email said "Lost."
I think the Universe, or the Mizuno Sports Wear company, heard through the grapevine or READ my scathing rough draft of a letter and now I am to pay the price of my disloyalty. I'm waiting one more day to see if they actually show up...... When I look at the tracking, it says they made it to San Fran. The message at the top of the email through Jeff Bezo's company, says lost. I have hope. I have faith. I have time with the beaten down shoes I am wearing. I have time.

Sober. Awake. One cup of coffee down.
Grateful. Thankful.

Mizz

Oh, and I wasnt being serious about the "only the finest" when I mentioned Hotels.
I didnt add the
Hotels are expensive these days. Its a lot of money to get up to Portland, stay, appointment, and drive back. Its just been a lot to get it all done mentally, emotionally, physically, monetarily, and spiritually. We made it though. We made it through. We can do hard things.