Cellardweller

I had posted a few weeks (?) ago in the newcomers section on accident. I meant to put it here. I'm still tired. Work has been very exhausting lately as we're winding down on a project. This generally means that the building is mostly finished and any damages due to water would be costly in both time and money. It is stressful, doubly so with whatever is going on in my head (I have problems with counting/anxiety/checking, so it makes my job difficult sometimes.) but I got through it. I'll be moving on to a new project for a bit.

I still feel I am locked into a path that I don't know is right. My relationship is pretty exhausting to me. She's a great person but I am her place to unload all her problems and that's very difficult for me sometimes. It makes her very unattractive to me. I generally don't talk about much of anything because I don't want to dump on her. If she asks how my day was, I usually reply "It's done." and that's that. I look back on my life and feel like I made mountains out of molehills, that made a lot of problems for me. I try to handle my problems and keep them from weighing her or the people around me down. However because of this I feel very alone. I think about old girlfriends a lot. I had dated some really wonderful people but pissed those things away for what I know are silly reasons now. But I was a drunk, so I wasn't seeing things clearly.

Life still doesn't have its shine back. Is everyone else in a mostly continuous state of tired/agitated/overwhelmed too? There's good things happening: I've stayed busy all through COVID shutdowns, saved money, completed a recreational goal, among other things. I still feel alone and empty though. There's so much work to be done but I don't have a partner to rely on for all the things that need doing. I miss being able to do a hobby just to enjoy and have fun doing it. Something is missing or I'm always thinking about what I should be doing. I'm paying for all the house improvements, another chest freezer, green house, chicken coop that's not a POS, next year we're looking at a new roof and probably siding on parts of the house and paint. My account is going to take a nasty hit.

I think about drinking again. That would be my own choice if I started, I know where it goes. Rarely do I feel like doing it, but it made me feel less empty. At least for a while. It can lift a weight from my shoulders. You all know what I mean. I want to be alone for a while.

Best wishes.

Dee74

Have you considered you might be depressed Cellardweller?
Depression is not only taking to your bed, or breaking out in sudden crying spells...it can manifest itself as a lack joy generally.

Please don't fall for that line that drinking made you feel less empty.I'm sure a cursory look back at your previous posts will show you that's not true.

I drank to feel something... anything - but I didn't feel less empty - in fact drinking made me MORE empty in the long run.

RecklessEric

Drinking is a surefire way to make yourself feel worse.
Everybody here knows this and surely you must too.
I really hope you don't do it.

VikingGF

Hi, Cedar, I hope you won't drink. It solves nothing and makes a load of trouble in a very short time. I am sorry you feel so alone, but I'm wondering if leaning on your partner may be a possible solution? She leans on you, it may do you both good to have a back and forth rather than you "protecting" her, because what you are essentially doing is isolating yourself within your relationship by minimalizing her ability to participate. She vents to you, but where do you go to vent? When someone comes to me with their problems, I don't feel weighed down, I feel like someone they respect enough to listen, or if they want, to give advice or support. It make me feel good. No man or woman is an island, and trying to be one will certainly limit any ability you have to experience joy.

Don't drink. Just don't drink. Come here, vent to us and see if that helps you feel better.

doggonecarl

You aren't locked in. Paths are choices. So why choose one that apparently makes you unhappy?

Cellardweller

Certain answers are simple, but like choosing to stop drinking, execution is not always so easy. I still haven't been able to disconnect my (self-perceived) value from my career choice; thinking about that makes me upset sometimes. We need the money that my job brings us right now, so I am stuck with it. It's not so bad some days, but others it can be pretty tough. (Especially days where I feel I did something to harm my health. I am careful but stuff happens.) Relationship can be rocky too quite a bit. Put all this together, and it sucks the wind out of my sails pretty hard. I had seen a psych maybe 10 years ago that said I fit the description of being clinically depressed. Who knows now though. Did I use up my life's supply of dopamine?

Have a good evening.

Dee74

It makes no sense to do nothing.
Go see your Doctor or a therapist, man.

ScottFromWI

Most things in life worth having fall into this same category - the idea is simple but doing the work to make it happen is hard. I recognize the thought pattern though - as addicts our minds are always looking for a way to get us drinking again, and hardship is certainly one of those. But in the end drinking only makes them worse, so don't listen to it.

If counseling has helped in the past by all means give it a try again.

Patcha

You don't have to suffer. Go see your doctor and explain everything. Get some therapy and medication. It can really turn your life around. Start talking to your girlfriend about what's on your mind. Start communicating what is going on for you and ask for her support. Drinking will help nothing. It's a short term solution that will feel good for about 15 minutes and then you'll be right back in the hole of addiction struggling to get out.

Hawkeye13

I think your heart / emotions is telling something you intellect doesn’t yet want to hear. From the outside, I see someone who is content neither with their relationship or their current career. It isn’t “wrong” to feel how you feel.

Perhaps some time away and reflection is in order before moving forward spending more money on a life you don’t seem, at a deep level, to actually want.

What about selling up and stepping back, and giving some space to actually see what you want, instead of what’s obvious or “should”?

You have come this far—don’t fake the last miles of the marathon that is your life—run it honestly as that’s no less than you deserve in my view—-

Cellardweller

This post was from a while back, but thanks everyone who responded. I am not sure if my frustrations are a result of actual problems or from discontent related to disappointment in myself. Deep down I feel like I should be doing something else, with either a different or fixed relationship. I haven't found anything to replace the space in myself that my career ambition once occupied. My hobbies can't replace it, my relationship definitely doesn't do it. Buying things I 'should' have doesn't do it. I've told my partner that I feel empty, and that everything is just 'window dressing'. I'm seriously thinking about very rural places to go and live quietly alone for a while, where I might be able to find peace with myself and my life. I can't achieve my professional goals anymore, so in a way I'm going to get as far away from them as I can. Finding new ones is not so easy, it's like when people say "YoU MaKe YoUr OwN PuRpOsE!". Yes and no. I feel like a lot of that is just 'fake it till you make it' kind of stuff. I heard it best described as "you don't choose things, sometimes things choose you." (Relevant to making your own purpose.) I had a love/hate relationship with my old career but looking back it wasn't so bad. (My drinking yes, the jobs no.) My new job I'd leave if something more interesting came up with similar pay. I don't think I'll find anything like that again, maybe or maybe not, and to be honest I feel like my partner would rather me not be so interested in work.