need some insight.
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need some insight.
I struggle with forgiving myself, grieving. I did it on a self destructive path for 25 years. When I got sober, I made myself into someone who forced himself to show up no matter what. Just don't drink-Everything else is subject to change. An it has. My life is wonderful now. I love it. However, I've lost both my parents in the last 18 months and 4 very good friends. That's some serious ****.
Everyone tells me I'm too hard on myself-I HAVE to grieve. I think the part that I struggle with is I feel unproductive when I do allow myself to grieve. Like I'm wasting time that most people who go as far down the hell hole I did -never get to come back from. I truly believe everyday is a gift for me and who the hell am i to waste that time?
So that's what I'm struggling with right now. I could use some insight into others' experience.
I do know one thing for sure-Nobody is harder on me than me. I think that's true with all of us.
Everyone tells me I'm too hard on myself-I HAVE to grieve. I think the part that I struggle with is I feel unproductive when I do allow myself to grieve. Like I'm wasting time that most people who go as far down the hell hole I did -never get to come back from. I truly believe everyday is a gift for me and who the hell am i to waste that time?
So that's what I'm struggling with right now. I could use some insight into others' experience.
I do know one thing for sure-Nobody is harder on me than me. I think that's true with all of us.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: VA
Posts: 4,116
I agree with what Dee said. Everyone is different.
I also believe that a great way to honor lost loved ones is to live our best life. They would want that.
Sounds like you are.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I also believe that a great way to honor lost loved ones is to live our best life. They would want that.
Sounds like you are.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,575
I hear you Bulldog. I'm busy by nature, and when it came to grieving, I was strictly business. Parents especially. So much to be done...things to pack up, debts to be settled, arrangements to be made. I was the one to handle these things and as long as I was busy, I didn't have to stay in my head too much.
With my mom, I never had the big breakdown I expected. It came in small waves for a long time. I just refused to sit down and "deal with it" like my sister. I loved my mom, but in 25 years I still can't bear putting a picture of her out in the open. It would hurt too much. Some may say I didn't grieve "correctly". I think I just did the best I could. Sounds like you are too.
I've lost multiple people in short time periods twice in my life. Once as a child, and once as an adult, and I handled both of them pretty much the same. Stoic.
I am in AA, and in AA, you see a lot of death. I had one that just leveled me. The pain was so deep and raw. It hit me harder than my family members. I have no idea why, and can't question it. Maybe there was nothing for me to do to disract. It certainly taught me that I am capable of the process.
I'm sorry for all of your loss. It sounds like you are handling things just fine from my perspective. You are staying sober, being a productive member of sobriety, hopefully not kicking the dog
No one gets to tell you how to do it.
Being an orphan sucks at any age. Thanks for sharing where you are at. I get a lot out if your posts.
With my mom, I never had the big breakdown I expected. It came in small waves for a long time. I just refused to sit down and "deal with it" like my sister. I loved my mom, but in 25 years I still can't bear putting a picture of her out in the open. It would hurt too much. Some may say I didn't grieve "correctly". I think I just did the best I could. Sounds like you are too.
I've lost multiple people in short time periods twice in my life. Once as a child, and once as an adult, and I handled both of them pretty much the same. Stoic.
I am in AA, and in AA, you see a lot of death. I had one that just leveled me. The pain was so deep and raw. It hit me harder than my family members. I have no idea why, and can't question it. Maybe there was nothing for me to do to disract. It certainly taught me that I am capable of the process.
I'm sorry for all of your loss. It sounds like you are handling things just fine from my perspective. You are staying sober, being a productive member of sobriety, hopefully not kicking the dog
No one gets to tell you how to do it.Being an orphan sucks at any age. Thanks for sharing where you are at. I get a lot out if your posts.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Location: Central NC
Posts: 160
Maybe what you're describing actually is your way of grieving. It's not like there's a grieving rulebook. Everyone deals with difficult things in different ways. It certainly doesn't sound like you're in denial about how much it hurt to lose your parents and 4 of your friends.
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Location: New England
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Grieving effectively so you can move on with your life is not a waste of time. The grieving process is the very important assimilation of emotions that is required to allow for adaptation so that you can continue to be productive. Don't punish yourself for this- it's already hard! Wishing you my condolences on your losses.
Ease up on yourself. Treat yourself like you were your own best friend. 
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I felt the same way about productivity. At the beginning of the year, I think the lockdowns really impacted me mentally. My therapist simply said do not equate productivity with happiness. It sounds quite odd when you read that. But I know what its getting at. We are surrounded by media blaring out how to be more productive and not procrastinate. There is an implied moral judgement that not being productive is bad. If we are productive, we are good and therefore we are worthy. I am gradually separating the notion of productivity and self-worth. Being productive is good for work and for getting things done. There is no virtue or morals involved. Living the values I respect such as honesty and compassion is what makes me feel worthy.
Oh and for me grieving is important. I didn't allow myself to properly grief my father's death. It had disastrous consequences.
Oh and for me grieving is important. I didn't allow myself to properly grief my father's death. It had disastrous consequences.
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Originally Posted by Kaneda8888 
I felt the same way about productivity. At the beginning of the year, I think the lockdowns really impacted me mentally. My therapist simply said do not equate productivity with happiness. It sounds quite odd when you read that. But I know what its getting at. We are surrounded by media blaring out how to be more productive and not procrastinate. There is an implied moral judgement that not being productive is bad. If we are productive, we are good and therefore we are worthy. I am gradually separating the notion of productivity and self-worth. Being productive is good for work and for getting things done. There is no virtue or morals involved. Living the values I respect such as honesty and compassion is what makes me feel worthy.
Oh and for me grieving is important. I didn't allow myself to properly grief my father's death. It had disastrous consequences.
Oh and for me grieving is important. I didn't allow myself to properly grief my father's death. It had disastrous consequences.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Grieving is productive. It is productive for our spiritual side. It can lead to growth and increased awareness as we realize that the ability to grieve, means we have the capacity to love and to heal. Don't shortchange the opportunity by overthinking.
Feel the grief and loss. Give yourself to it and grow. It hurts and it is not easy, but it is our very humanness being expressed. Recovery is feeling and experiencing rather than numbing, denying, or running away.
Grief is a gift. A gift no one wants, but since when did I ever know what was good for me? I am learning to want what I get, rather than getting what I want. The odd thing is, the more I do it, the more I get what I need and resultant serenity in the process.
Feel the grief and loss. Give yourself to it and grow. It hurts and it is not easy, but it is our very humanness being expressed. Recovery is feeling and experiencing rather than numbing, denying, or running away.
Grief is a gift. A gift no one wants, but since when did I ever know what was good for me? I am learning to want what I get, rather than getting what I want. The odd thing is, the more I do it, the more I get what I need and resultant serenity in the process.
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Originally Posted by nez
Grieving is productive. It is productive for our spiritual side. It can lead to growth and increased awareness as we realize that the ability to grieve, means we have the capacity to love and to heal. Don't shortchange the opportunity by overthinking.
Feel the grief and loss. Give yourself to it and grow. It hurts and it is not easy, but it is our very humanness being expressed. Recovery is feeling and experiencing rather than numbing, denying, or running away.
Grief is a gift. A gift no one wants, but since when did I ever know what was good for me? I am learning to want what I get, rather than getting what I want. The odd thing is, the more I do it, the more I get what I need and resultant serenity in the process.
Feel the grief and loss. Give yourself to it and grow. It hurts and it is not easy, but it is our very humanness being expressed. Recovery is feeling and experiencing rather than numbing, denying, or running away.
Grief is a gift. A gift no one wants, but since when did I ever know what was good for me? I am learning to want what I get, rather than getting what I want. The odd thing is, the more I do it, the more I get what I need and resultant serenity in the process.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,223
hi BullDog. I hear you .. .it's hard to know how to go about grieving ... it's different for everyone and there's no set process or timeline. I'm grieving the loss of my parents, and more recently, my husband. When I lost my father several years ago, I didn't really allow myself to grieve, and I found that over time that cut me off from life ... I was in a kind of "gray zone" where I felt disconnected and very flat. With the help of a counselor and a grief support group, I've been engaging more directly with my grief ... and I find that it helps me connect more deeply with life. I do find that I can grieve and "live life" at the same time ... allowing myself time to grieve makes my days feel somehow more vivid and intensely alive. I want to live my life to the fullest and not waste a single day ... but grief is a part of that.
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