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I think I pissed off my sponsor

Old 09-25-2021, 04:40 PM
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I think I pissed off my sponsor

Okay so I told an inappropriate joke that was taken out of context. I have no filter I just say whatever enters my head. We always joke around at with each other the people at aa. My sponsor just left without saying anything right after I said the joke. I feel terrible because I wasn't meaning to disparaging anyone I was just saying an example of what I would say if I was using still. I also said another joke that made him mad I think. He said nothing to me just left right after.
David
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Old 09-25-2021, 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by 100 View Post
Okay so I told an inappropriate joke that was taken out of context. I have no filter I just say whatever enters my head. We always joke around at with each other the people at aa. My sponsor just left without saying anything right after I said the joke. I feel terrible because I wasn't meaning to disparaging anyone I was just saying an example of what I would say if I was using still. I also said another joke that made him mad I think. He said nothing to me just left right after.
David
I wouldn't stress about it, David.
Maybe an apology by text or a phonecall.
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Old 09-25-2021, 05:09 PM
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I'd find out if he is offended or not first, then make apologies if necessary/

D
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Old 09-25-2021, 06:46 PM
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Yeah, I admit I would be irritated by that reaction. Kind of passive aggressive and rude. I'm with Dee on this one. It would show your maturity if you politely ask if he was offended by your joke.
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Old 09-25-2021, 07:57 PM
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(Step 10) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
(Step 9) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone here--1/addressing the situation at hand; 2/developing better rapport with your sponsor.

Hope that helps. When in doubt, work steps/talk to sponsor, right?
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Old 09-25-2021, 08:14 PM
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You may want to be careful about telling inappropriate jokes at an AA meeting. Depending on the type of joke, it could violate tradition 10. While I'm a big fan of rule 62, what if someone else other than your sponsor had heard what your joke out of context and had gotten upset?
I'd at least talk with your sponsor. While there may be some misunderstanding on his end about the joke, you may still owe him an amends.
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Old 09-26-2021, 07:00 AM
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We're all human and even when joking around we can say jokes that offend someone or hear a joke that gets a bit under our skin. It might be one thing if it's a total stranger but another if it's a friend/family member or this case a sponsor. It night of rubbed them the wrong way but give them a little bit and it should blow over. I grew up with two older brothers who were some of the crudest jokesters around and grew up in an era where there was very little to no filter when it came to joking around with your buddies so nothing really bothers me much but I'm not everybody and try to remember to think before I say it. It's a work in progress though!
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Old 09-26-2021, 08:07 AM
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A simple but very difficult lesson for me to learn was that intent means nothing. I was giving myself a pass for bad behavior by saying things like, "I didn't mean it that way" or "I'm just awkward in social situations." Both of these things are/were true, but honesty isn't on the highest rung of being a decent human being - being decent is.

I agree with others that you have a perfect opportunity to practice Step 10 right now (you know, that word "promptly" is important). Note that giving amends doesn't have any component of explaining yourself - it calls for simply and sincerely acknowledging your wrongs and finding out how you can make an appropriate correction. It's hard to begin with, but if you're anything like me, you'll have plenty of chances to practice.

O
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Old 09-26-2021, 05:35 PM
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Saw him again today and he said to me. I didn't say anything I just felt paralyzed with shame. I don't know how to deal with this. I've spent the better part of the last 5 years alone so I don't know how to deal with conflict. I'm not good at this and feel to afraid to deal with it. I don't even no why I said what I said. Sometimes I feel like a passenger in my own mind because I just do things and give very little thought to them.
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Old 09-26-2021, 06:13 PM
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Not sure what he said, or whether it was he said that that filled you with shame?

Anyway, I was not good with conflict either.
Still not my favourite thing, but with time and practice I'm better at saying what needs to be said and letting go of the rest.

I no longer look for validation from other people. I feel more constant for that.

D

D
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Old 09-27-2021, 07:36 AM
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Were you able to make contact David? I agree with the others that being honest and apologizing is the best route. I think it's good that you realize what you did was wrong/inappropriate and perhaps you utilize that as you move forward. I can't remember, do you see a counselor or therapist? The fact that you realize that you just say things off the cuff is good, but there are steps you could take to re-learn how to handle yourself in those situations.

I think it's also important to remember that apologies are not always accepted in full. AKA - it's possible that if you did indeed offend your sponsor deeply, they might accept your apology but choose to have you work with a different sponsor. Not saying that is going to happen, but be aware it's a possibility.
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Old 09-27-2021, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by 100 View Post
Saw him again today and he said to me. I didn't say anything I just felt paralyzed with shame. I don't know how to deal with this. I've spent the better part of the last 5 years alone so I don't know how to deal with conflict. I'm not good at this and feel to afraid to deal with it. I don't even no why I said what I said. Sometimes I feel like a passenger in my own mind because I just do things and give very little thought to them.
David
I don't understand the bolded (by me) bit, David.


You have as much right to be in AA as anyone. Everyone says things that are a little off-color or that offend someone for one reason or another. The solution is to apologize and let it go. This is a fantastic learning experience. AA is a smaller version of the world at large and a safe place (for the most part) to practice your people skills that have been unused for a while.

I understand how long-term isolation can lead to over-sensitivity when encountering people again, that happened to me too. Conflict is inherent in interactions, and misunderstandings happen.

Remember that people in AA have their own very serious issues, mentally. We all have our stuff, we are all Beautiful Creations and we all make mistakes.

I hope you will forgive yourself.
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Old 09-27-2021, 04:39 PM
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The whole point of recovery is to grow. You made a mistake. It doesnt say anything else about you but that.

Acknowledge that what you said was insensitive/ inappropriate or whatever it was. Apologize for saying it "I'm embarrassed that came out of my mouth". Then act "I'm really going to try and work on that." Since he us your sponsor it should be ok for him to help you with that.

Like O said. Intent doesn't matter so you will weaken your apology by trying to explain yourself.
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Old 09-27-2021, 05:13 PM
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He wasn't mad He didn't even here what I said. Some one else pissed him off so he was thinking about that and didn't here what I said. I just acted like normal and every thing is fine. I learned my lesson don't say anything that disparage people. It was all in my head and made myself miserable for two days over nothing.
David
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Old 09-27-2021, 06:43 PM
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Originally Posted by 100 View Post
He wasn't mad He didn't even here what I said. Some one else pissed him off so he was thinking about that and didn't here what I said. I just acted like normal and every thing is fine. I learned my lesson don't say anything that disparage people. It was all in my head and made myself miserable for two days over nothing.
David
Good to hear. If only I could keep it to two days.
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Old 09-28-2021, 05:34 AM
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Originally Posted by 100 View Post
He wasn't mad He didn't even here what I said. Some one else pissed him off so he was thinking about that and didn't here what I said. I just acted like normal and every thing is fine. I learned my lesson don't say anything that disparage people. It was all in my head and made myself miserable for two days over nothing.
David
This is such a great post, David.

I've created so many non-existent problems in that eight inches between my own ears. Things happen, it's my reaction to them that I can control.

Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives me something to do but it doesn't get me anywhere.

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Old 09-28-2021, 01:41 PM
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From another perspective, if your sponsor did in fact give you the silent treatment because you upset him, that's on your sponsor, not you. Your side of the fence is to apologise for any wrong you might have done and then chang your behaviour going forward. Your side isn't to try and guess why your sponsor did what they did and wonder if you upset them. It's on your sponsor to say "Hey that's not cool." rather than ice you out and hope you guess why or if they are upset. All you can do is tidy up your side of the fence with an active amends.
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Old 09-28-2021, 02:46 PM
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I'm so glad you asked - see, that wasn't so bad, was it?

I used to spend the majority of my time up in my head trying to decipher the world. Not only did I make myself miserable, but I'm sure my behavior based on the conclusions I drew up in my own head must have really confused people! It was really intimidating to learn to start to ask the right questions at the right time (of the right people), but I'm getting much much better at it. You will too.
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