Cosmic2

Hi all,

I used to go by a different but similar username, was a regular in a couple favorite threads here (hey O and friends), lurked on and off but I'm back after a very long break.. I quit drinking 4 years ago in October, although I can't say my emotional sobriety and cross addictions track record has been spotless in that time. Lately I've gotten complacent. From the outside it appears my life has improved in numerous ways and I've wanted to put my alcoholism behind me, like it was nothing more than a surreal nightmare that consumed my early 20s, which I've overcome and can now live the rest of my life as if I'm completely normal.. But whether I wish to acknowledge it or not, recovery requires maintenance even in the good times. I'm dealing with some new stressors and I've been backsliding emotionally so wanted to return to where it all started for me. I was argumentative here at times (not proud of that) but I still credit this forum as my biggest source of support, eye opening/factual information, and various perspectives on recovery that got me through to the other side.

Lately I see how easy it could be to throw away all my progress, how thin that line between past and present really is, and how important it is for me to always remain vigilant and grateful.. Things seem quieter around here now, but hoping I can still find ways to plug in and offer support in order to get out of my own head and self-absorption..

Dee74

Welcome back

D

RecklessEric

Hi Cosmic2.

Complacency and vigilance are two words that really resonate.
Whenever I have drank, I have become complacent and not been vigilant. I sometime feel during the good times that thinking about my addiction is like going somewhere unpleasant.
But I have to continue to be vigilant.
Even though I don't drink anymore, just saying it casually isn't enough.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Cosmic2 - I got complacent multiple times during my recovery and I think it's a very positive sign that you are self aware enough to take action prior to things getting worse. I hope you can find the support you need here and look forward to you sharing as well.

Zebra1275

Welcome back!

nez

Glad you are back.

When I was new in recovery, I immersed myself into a recovery community to save my ass. I needed support. I needed it 24/7. I needed the encouragement of seeing other people being able to accomplish what I wanted for my life, to find my way out of hell. I knew if nothing else, at least for the hour that I sat in a meeting, I was safe and protected from the threat of alcohol. At times, I drank before meetings. At times, I drank after meetings. But I never drank in a meeting. :~)

One day at a time was still way beyond my comprehension. I was operating more on the 15 minutes at a time plan.

As time went by, progress and growth occurred, and I wasn't as dependent upon the recovery community. I was more confident in my sobriety. 15 minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into days. Days into weeks, etc.

Today I stay plugged in to give to others what was so freely given to me. I am by no means an altruistic Mahatma Gandhi or Mother Teresa...in the back of my mind, I stay plugged because my soul knows... it ain't all about me.

Welcome home!

Cosmic2

Thanks all, I've recently started doing online Coda and ACA meetings, since I've needed to add a new dimension and address my ongoing unhealthy relationship patterns.. with everyone I relate to, not just romantically.

So in a way I feel like a newcomer again, but this time knowing more about where my danger zones and vulnerabilities lie outside of (and before) substances.

RecklessEric, it does feel unpleasant to re-visit the same old issues when they no longer seem relevant, but I've realized anything I can do to acknowledge or dig deeper into some of the root causes can feel productive and positive and if done frequently, can keep me on the right path before it starts feeling like a chore. Or turns into a crisis of some kind.

Cosmic2

So I’m on vacation with my family.. my dad offered me a Bloody Mary. It’s more tempting than I’d like to admit. Thought I’d post about it since apparently I’m in a worse state of mind than I’d like to be. I can’t put my family through a full blown relapse but I also can’t be entirely honest with them about my life as I’m just trying to save face at this point..

Dee74

There’s no need to reveal all to your family if you don’t want to…but a ‘I’m not drinking now’ statement might help and be easier than endlessly facing temptation and saying no.

If your family is like mine they will probably want to know why, but ”I don’t want to” is a pretty good and truthful reason

D

ScottFromWI

Posting and checking in here while you are on vacation is a good idea, glad you did. I'd second Dee's notion that you don't need to go "full disclosure" with your family or anyone at this point, you can simply say thanks but no thanks to drinks. When the time comes you can certainly share as you see fit, but for now just grab a soda or whatever and move forward. And yes, It's OK to feel the temptation, we all do. How you respond is what matters, and so far you seem to be doing just fine in that area - you were self aware of the situation and asked for help.

Obladi

Hey Cosmic! I missed your shout out until just now. I hope you ended up staying away from that Bloody Mary and all other forms of ‘not full blown relapse.’

Either way, I hope you’ll come back and hang out with us some more. I think you may benefit just from the writing it - putting it out to the universe, right? I sure do.

Cosmic2

Hi all, well I relapsed. Spared my family and instead drank alone today after the vacation. A little drunk right now actually. If I don't post about it or tell anyone I guess I'm as sick as my secrets.. Tomorrow is a new day and hoping to make this an anomaly.

Dee74

I hope you can make it a blip Cosmic2.
4 years is a long time to learn a lot of good ways to do things

I don't know exactly what the stressors and emotional backpedaling are, but I'm sure you fail to deal with them at your peril.

D

Cosmic2

Thanks Dee, you're so right it's at my own peril. If anything this answers my question of "could I be a normal drinker now?". No, I cannot. I'm sneaking liquor out of the cabinet and replacing it with water like a teenager. And I'm 30 now. Really no excuse at this point.

Dee74

Thats reminds me of what I used to do when I was crashing on peoples couches...and it still took nearly a decade from there for me to stop and reclaim the real me from the corrupted version.

I shake my head at the memory.
I can no longer really get into the headspace I had then...and that's a good thing.

Make your journey back shorter than mine was.

D

Obladi

How's the new day going, Cos?

ScottFromWI

Hope that today is indeed a better day Cosmic. One point of note - you mention that you spared your family by drinking alone. That's yet another trick our addiction pulls on us - that by isolating and drinking we somehow isolate the problem to ourselves. Having done the same thing to my family for years, the unfortunate truth is that it does indeed affect them in a negative way, sometimes even more than if we drink it right in front of them.

RecklessEric

Hope you stick with it, Cosmic.
Lots of us have done the sneaky stuff with alcohol and felt the shame after.
One of my favourite things about not drinking is being able to look everybody in the eye.
Wish you well.