Newfella

If i could get it tomorrow i would say my good byes and leave in peace at 32 years old!! Problem is its so expensive and you cant trust anyone online with this substance because its so effective and expensive.

personally i agree no-one should want to take that (of sound mind) but i have since i was about 20 wanted to be out at piece. A few crazy attempts that left me with broken bones i would only go down nembutal route. Anyone heard of exit international, just a fad if you ask me they dont supply anyone with the correct information for nembutal

Dee74

You’re obviously in a lot of pain, Newfella.
Please have a read through this link - maybe call a crisis line?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

Most of us have thought that death would be easier than quitting but it’s simply not true.

I think back to my 20s when I thought about suicide. I thought I'd never get a handle on my addictions and that the future ahead of me would be painful and never ending.

now I’m in my 50s I know that I was wrong on all counts. There is life after addiction and it is a good life.

Drink and drugs made me morose. They made me depressed. They made me think that I was worthless and my life was doomed to despair.

Its your addiction talking. And your addiction lies.

Please don’t give in. You have a lot of life to live yet

Post again and let us know you’re ok?

D

ScottFromWI

Hope today is a better day Newfella, and please do take advantage of any crisis resources you may have access as Dee mentions.

Hevyn

Newfella - You are needed on this Earth, even if it doesn't seem that way right now. Give yourself a chance to get free of your addiction.
We care about you - please keep posting. Talking things over may ease your anxiety, at least a bit.

Anna

Newfella, there is hope, even if things seem bleak right now. We do understand how hard this is.

Newfella

Thanks for reply guys/girls, i can insure its not just addictions that make me think this way, when i was 15 years old until
about 20 i inhaled alot of weed! I mean big bottles you hoof up and you are on cloud 9 after! This messed my head up badly and even though i haven't touched weed for about 10 years i never really wanted to live since as i knew deep down i messed my head up so bad but at the time i was living the dream, but i dident realise at the time this was not normal. Yes im currently drinking but even if i stopped tomorrow and dident drink for 6 months, thoughts that I would like a peaceful death will still be here, i guess it sounds sad but it should be legal in uk as i would go ahead with it.

Obladi

Newfella,

I understand.

I distinctly remember telling one of my (many) counselors years ago that my depression would persist after I quit drinking. I knew this because I'd lived it before I became addicted. He said sagely, "I don't believe that's true." Well, it was. I knew my own experience for cryin out loud - feeling like I didn't belong, feeling acutely uncomfortable living in this world with 'normal' people, feeling just dead wrong in myself. Who would want to stick around for that? I'm not sure if it's quite the same, but I think my experience of feeling deeply irretrievably damaged is somewhere in the ballpark of your deep down feeling.

My last drink was about 18 months ago. It was hard to get through. There was a lot of stuff that was very painful for my psyche, you know? But one of the critical things I learned was that I could turn around and look back at that 15 year old with compassion. Things the former me could not possibly handle at 15 or at 5... I understand now from my grown-up perspective. I didn't exactly talk to my 'inner child,' but I do have a very clear memory of giving myself a break, "Of course I couldn't handle xyz - I was just a child. It's ok now - I'm grown, so I can take over from that poor kid."

You can do that too. But not alone. What sort of support do you have, could you have?

O

dustyfox

Newfella, you have people here thinking about you and wanting you to stick around and talk some more - you are in good company here with some good people.

Scd619x

Mate if i could have had access to that i would have checked out about 8 years old!

Dee74

I dunno if others have had my experience but the lifelong depression I suffered did lighten up once I stopped drinking and drugging. It didn't vanish - but it became much more manageable.

I was an emotional mess when drinking and drugging - and for several months after I got sober.

I really hope you give yourself the chance to deal with depression and suicidal ideation when sober and with professional help.

D

RecklessEric

You have to kick the drink and drugs before you can even begin to start improving your mood.
Chicken and egg cliché but it's true.

Newfella

the first week i found out about it i read the (peaceful pill handbook) which was pretty rubbish, but i did contact someone via email and they said they could send me nembutal tracked, and was pretty confident, but because its so expensive i dident go ahead with it

Dee74

Reckless Eric is right.

You may be so familiar with these feelings they seem normal - but its not .
getting into recovery can present you with a whole new ballgame.

D