Ashamed of alcoholism
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 476
Ashamed of alcoholism
Okay I want to go to aa but i don't drive. I also live about 30 mins away from most of the meetings. The only people who can take me are my parents and quit simply I'm not ready to tell them. I just can't make myself say the words I'm having problems with alcohol again and need you to take to aa. I just don't want anyone to know. I don't drive because I'm a disaster on the road I've tried but always failed. If I drove I'd already would have gone to a meeting. The idea of telling anyone I have problem leaves my parelised with fear. I want to say the words but I simply can't. They will just say why don't you just stop. The thing is I can't. I want to but can't. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm also so ashamed that I drank yesterday again. When I get the obsession in my head I block out all other thought and just can't stop myself. I keep saying I'm totally done drinking and mean each time then find myself trashed again. I feel so guilty about wasting everyone's time. Why am I so paralyzed with sham and guilt about my condition I hate myself. It feels as if my head is going to explode. Last night was bad after the stuff wore off I was felt like I was vibrating, my heart was racing. I thought I was going to die. I was on my knees promise God I'd never drink again if he'd get me out of the situation I was in. The sadest part is this has happened hundreds of times. I'm always surprised when it happens. Sorry for ranting I just needed to get that off my chest. The thing is I know I'm an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. I know what I need to do. Work the steps. I went to aa for 6 years. Had almost two years sober at one point. Why am so ashamed of what I have become that I'm engaging my life. Truth be told I dispise my self. I have nothing good in my life. No friends no place to call my own. I hate my life and I'm so angry inside! David
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Originally Posted by 100 
I dispise my self. I have nothing good in my life. No friends no place to call my own. I hate my life and I'm so angry inside!
I came real close to having a tombstone that would read "Died of Embarrassment", but at my wit's end, I reached out for help. I was in a place that was very similar to where you are now. AA saved my life. There was no reason for me to be embarrassed because I wound up in rooms full of people who knew and understood and were willing to show me what they had learned about getting and staying sober.
I did it. Countless others have done it. You can do it also. Do it and save your life. You will discover a life worth living.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
Try ringing the local AA and ask for someone to pick you up to go to meeting. Ask to pick you up around the corner where parents can't see. The people picking you up, and dropping you back, will understand.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,592
Being open with the people who matter is liberating. At least that's what I've found.
Carrying secrets and lies keeps us trapped.
Why not ask your parents to drive you to the meeting? Maybe another member can drive you home, and you can talk?
Carrying secrets and lies keeps us trapped.
Why not ask your parents to drive you to the meeting? Maybe another member can drive you home, and you can talk?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Us drinkers are amazingly resourceful people, I am sure you can find a way to get there if you put your mind to it.
What lengths would you go to when you need a drink? Use that same resource.
You can do this. Sending positive thoughts your way.
What lengths would you go to when you need a drink? Use that same resource.
You can do this. Sending positive thoughts your way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
If you call your local AA phone, there will be someone who will get you to a meeting. Like PeacefulWater said, where there's a will there's a way.
And for you, there IS a way out. Do you still have the books? You have the internet. You said the prayer. That's all it takes.
The only way out is to suffer a little bit now for the huge reward of sobriety.
And for you, there IS a way out. Do you still have the books? You have the internet. You said the prayer. That's all it takes.
The only way out is to suffer a little bit now for the huge reward of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
Posts: 333
You don't have to tell anyone that you are actively drinking or struggling with it, it's no-one else's business. I would look at the return to AA as another brick in the wall between you and drinking, you are already coming here and getting started in your recovery. So if you do decide to ask your parents for a lift to the meeting that is how you would approach the subject, it is not a life saving situation like last time, this time it is a moving forward and building a future situation. Now at AA you can say what you want, put all your s*** on people as that is why they are there and they will do the same, get a sponsor straight away (preferably someone who lives near you) and get in with the steps.
Was everything happiness and light for you before you started drinking? If so continue to assume that all your woes are because of alcohol, as they are! If not then the steps and additional counselling/support will help you to start living in a better way for you so you don't continue to have so much s*** between the ears and can start making some more sensible decisions about your life.
On thing i do need to pick up on and that is you have the rest of your life to achieve what you want to so however screwed you feel now will not mean a thing if you do get sober and start building a life, so just be gentle with yourself which you do not appear to be doing.
One more thing, there are AA meetings that are for people that cannot get to physical meetings although the organisers do not like people calling in who can get to a meeting if they had to, but might be worth a try.
Was everything happiness and light for you before you started drinking? If so continue to assume that all your woes are because of alcohol, as they are! If not then the steps and additional counselling/support will help you to start living in a better way for you so you don't continue to have so much s*** between the ears and can start making some more sensible decisions about your life.
On thing i do need to pick up on and that is you have the rest of your life to achieve what you want to so however screwed you feel now will not mean a thing if you do get sober and start building a life, so just be gentle with yourself which you do not appear to be doing.
One more thing, there are AA meetings that are for people that cannot get to physical meetings although the organisers do not like people calling in who can get to a meeting if they had to, but might be worth a try.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
I dont believe in this "hopeless variety" thought process. If you had two years sober before then you can have two years and beyond again. You can make the changes necessary for you to live a productive life free from active alcoholism. You have the power to change your situation. Turning poison into medicine.
What action can you take that will move you into a place of freedom from active alcoholism?
Here are some ideas:
1) If AA is the route, you can attend a meeting on Zoom.
2) Pull out your physical books or get the books online
3) Set a structured schedule that ensures you are not drinking for today
4) Incorporate morning and evening prayer into your schedule (I only mention this due to your prayer last night)
5) Rinse and repeat every day
You can be free. By changing the way you think about this and changing your actions you can achieve your goal of freeing yourself from active alcoholism. There is nothing stopping you but your thoughts and actions. We believe in you!
What action can you take that will move you into a place of freedom from active alcoholism?
Here are some ideas:
1) If AA is the route, you can attend a meeting on Zoom.
2) Pull out your physical books or get the books online
3) Set a structured schedule that ensures you are not drinking for today
4) Incorporate morning and evening prayer into your schedule (I only mention this due to your prayer last night)
5) Rinse and repeat every day
You can be free. By changing the way you think about this and changing your actions you can achieve your goal of freeing yourself from active alcoholism. There is nothing stopping you but your thoughts and actions. We believe in you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,077
You can do this David, ride your bike, if you don't have one get a cheap one off craigslist. Walk there you probably need the exercise anyway and it would help clearing your mind. I love my long walks. Don't worry about telling people you have a problem, there's nothing wrong with trying to better yourself. Take the first step and don't drink today...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I would have never told my parents about my alcoholism, let alone asking them to drive me to recovery meetings... not only because of shame but because I would not have wanted to burden them with such a difficult problem of mine as an adult. People can debate whether such an attitude is good or not, but no way I would have changed it personally (unless my parents were also in recovery), so I understand.
I second the suggestions about online meetings, there are many kinds available in AA and other programs. I find mine so helpful in several ways, even if I don't participate and am just there to listen and learn. If you don't currently have good enough internet or phone signal for it (but must have access to a device since you posted here), perhaps you can find a place with free public wifi, even to just listen in case you can't or don't want to talk. Maybe seeing how it is would loosen the shame and make you feel more comfortable with asking for a ride from someone who also goes to meetings? I think many would be happy to help and definitely would not see it as a negative. Don't use the shame to avoid a possible solution to the problem that could eliminate the same very shame!
I second the suggestions about online meetings, there are many kinds available in AA and other programs. I find mine so helpful in several ways, even if I don't participate and am just there to listen and learn. If you don't currently have good enough internet or phone signal for it (but must have access to a device since you posted here), perhaps you can find a place with free public wifi, even to just listen in case you can't or don't want to talk. Maybe seeing how it is would loosen the shame and make you feel more comfortable with asking for a ride from someone who also goes to meetings? I think many would be happy to help and definitely would not see it as a negative. Don't use the shame to avoid a possible solution to the problem that could eliminate the same very shame!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I didn't have a drinking problem. Never, i often told myself.
Boy, was I wrong.
It was the many consequences that happened with each
drinking episode I had. So sad to admit. But true.
Like the last 2 before I entered rehab and recovery.
First was in Feb. 1990 returning home from a night at a
local club of drinking, dancing and driving under the influence
of alcohol, a poisonous substance I now know to be true.
Less than a mile from my little family, i ran off the road
thru some construction hitting a concrete culvert sitting
on top the ground.
EMS was called at 2am and taken to the hospital where
family members were awoken by a call no one ever wants
to receive by loved ones in trouble.
I spent 10 day there with my puncture spleen removed
by numerous broken ribs and many other contusions and
broken bones.
3 months i was restored to an almost perfect self and yet,
once again, i thought i learned my lesson and returned to
going back to the same drinking hole and returning home
safely this time. Except.......
This like all the other times, another argument with my
spouse feeling defeated, failure, on a dare i said enough
and would end my life.
Husband called me on it and just said go to sleep. Well,
i'll show him i puffed up my ego and took a hand full of
otc pain pills with a few others from my accident and off
the bed i went not knowing what lied ahead.
This is Aug. 1990.
Morning came with my little ones trying to wake me with
no response until, in the very far distance as it seemed,
the ringing of my phone right next to my bed. I heard it,
grabbed it with grogginess, slurred speak, to say hello.
It was my mother in law looking for me and the kids for their
last day of fun at bible school.
She yelled for me to get up in which i did and proceeded
to throw up all i had in my system to regain some kind of
normal composure.
Before i knew it, my husband and his folks had called numbers
seeking help for my attempt to exit this life. Of course i tried to
explain my way out of it and they didnt buy it because officers
appeared and were there on a court order to take me to where,
i wasnt sure until i got there.
I sat in the back seat of the officers car behind a screen
feeling like a caged criminal and yet, i was far from that. Defeated,
angry for what my family did to me and off i went ending up a a
hospital for evaluation for my frame of mind.
Passing all their test, they informed me that I just had a
drinking problem. Whew, i said. Thank God it wasnt anything
worse. So i thought.
An over night stay in the physic ward came to a realization
that i sure wasnt that bad off from the other sick patients there
who shuffled across the floor as the walked, or rocked back
and forth or hugged the walls.
The next day i was talked to again and it was ordered for me
to stay in the Silkworth section of the hospital. That part was
for those suffering from addiction problems.
It was clear that I needed to learn about my addiction in which
I began my recovery and was taught a program that I could use
and incorporate in my daily life to remain sober a day at a time.
2 weeks came and was told if i returned home to the same
enviroment, that i would surely drink again. They suggested a
halfway house further away from my family, but convinced them
that if i could stay where i was in rehab, i would do all i could
to complete the program there before going home.
Sure enough i did complete a 28 day instay program with a
6 week outpatiant program to finish up. From there, i was
warned by my husband that if i ever drank in the house again,
then i would be out.
Well, i used that as fuel to drive me to want to remain
sober no matter what and did all i could to my human
ability to remain sober incorporating the tools and knowledge
taught to me over the yrs on a continuous bases to achieve
many of life rewards gifts.
Sure, i was ashamed at my behavior, the lies I told, the
munipulations i did, the pumped up ego, selfishness, self
centeredness, and a laundry list of other sins, kept me
sick within my addiction for a number of yrs.
I entered recovery at the age of 30 and have been sober
for 30 yrs now. I no longer need to be ashamed of who or
what I had become when sick in my addiction. Today, with
yrs of learning, i had to learn about responsibility and honesty.
I am responsible for my on going recovery. I am responsible
for my actions in and around others. Recovery has given me
a voice and the strength and willingness to stand up for myself
and help others and not hurt them.
This transformation didnt happen over night. I had to work
for it. Not perfectly or to perfection, but to progress into becoming
the best person i can possibly be today.
Surrounding myself with support and others like me in
recovery has helped me to not feel along or by myself
which to me is comforting and powerful.
To ask, to reach out for help is not a sign of weakness
but a sign of strength and willingness to go get what you
need and want. You want and need to get sober and
free from your addiction.
Your family is there to help you, but will never know
if you don't ask them. They cant read you mind. Right?
If not family, we are here in SR to guide you with suggestions
to help you get the help needed to be free from the bondage
of addiction.
Continue to ask and learn with support behind you.
Boy, was I wrong.
It was the many consequences that happened with each
drinking episode I had. So sad to admit. But true.
Like the last 2 before I entered rehab and recovery.
First was in Feb. 1990 returning home from a night at a
local club of drinking, dancing and driving under the influence
of alcohol, a poisonous substance I now know to be true.
Less than a mile from my little family, i ran off the road
thru some construction hitting a concrete culvert sitting
on top the ground.
EMS was called at 2am and taken to the hospital where
family members were awoken by a call no one ever wants
to receive by loved ones in trouble.
I spent 10 day there with my puncture spleen removed
by numerous broken ribs and many other contusions and
broken bones.
3 months i was restored to an almost perfect self and yet,
once again, i thought i learned my lesson and returned to
going back to the same drinking hole and returning home
safely this time. Except.......
This like all the other times, another argument with my
spouse feeling defeated, failure, on a dare i said enough
and would end my life.
Husband called me on it and just said go to sleep. Well,
i'll show him i puffed up my ego and took a hand full of
otc pain pills with a few others from my accident and off
the bed i went not knowing what lied ahead.
This is Aug. 1990.
Morning came with my little ones trying to wake me with
no response until, in the very far distance as it seemed,
the ringing of my phone right next to my bed. I heard it,
grabbed it with grogginess, slurred speak, to say hello.
It was my mother in law looking for me and the kids for their
last day of fun at bible school.
She yelled for me to get up in which i did and proceeded
to throw up all i had in my system to regain some kind of
normal composure.
Before i knew it, my husband and his folks had called numbers
seeking help for my attempt to exit this life. Of course i tried to
explain my way out of it and they didnt buy it because officers
appeared and were there on a court order to take me to where,
i wasnt sure until i got there.
I sat in the back seat of the officers car behind a screen
feeling like a caged criminal and yet, i was far from that. Defeated,
angry for what my family did to me and off i went ending up a a
hospital for evaluation for my frame of mind.
Passing all their test, they informed me that I just had a
drinking problem. Whew, i said. Thank God it wasnt anything
worse. So i thought.
An over night stay in the physic ward came to a realization
that i sure wasnt that bad off from the other sick patients there
who shuffled across the floor as the walked, or rocked back
and forth or hugged the walls.
The next day i was talked to again and it was ordered for me
to stay in the Silkworth section of the hospital. That part was
for those suffering from addiction problems.
It was clear that I needed to learn about my addiction in which
I began my recovery and was taught a program that I could use
and incorporate in my daily life to remain sober a day at a time.
2 weeks came and was told if i returned home to the same
enviroment, that i would surely drink again. They suggested a
halfway house further away from my family, but convinced them
that if i could stay where i was in rehab, i would do all i could
to complete the program there before going home.
Sure enough i did complete a 28 day instay program with a
6 week outpatiant program to finish up. From there, i was
warned by my husband that if i ever drank in the house again,
then i would be out.
Well, i used that as fuel to drive me to want to remain
sober no matter what and did all i could to my human
ability to remain sober incorporating the tools and knowledge
taught to me over the yrs on a continuous bases to achieve
many of life rewards gifts.
Sure, i was ashamed at my behavior, the lies I told, the
munipulations i did, the pumped up ego, selfishness, self
centeredness, and a laundry list of other sins, kept me
sick within my addiction for a number of yrs.
I entered recovery at the age of 30 and have been sober
for 30 yrs now. I no longer need to be ashamed of who or
what I had become when sick in my addiction. Today, with
yrs of learning, i had to learn about responsibility and honesty.
I am responsible for my on going recovery. I am responsible
for my actions in and around others. Recovery has given me
a voice and the strength and willingness to stand up for myself
and help others and not hurt them.
This transformation didnt happen over night. I had to work
for it. Not perfectly or to perfection, but to progress into becoming
the best person i can possibly be today.
Surrounding myself with support and others like me in
recovery has helped me to not feel along or by myself
which to me is comforting and powerful.
To ask, to reach out for help is not a sign of weakness
but a sign of strength and willingness to go get what you
need and want. You want and need to get sober and
free from your addiction.
Your family is there to help you, but will never know
if you don't ask them. They cant read you mind. Right?
If not family, we are here in SR to guide you with suggestions
to help you get the help needed to be free from the bondage
of addiction.
Continue to ask and learn with support behind you.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Wow Sharon, That was brilliant, thank you for posting and sharing your story and your struggle - I take inspiration and strength from your words, wonderfully written and telling it as it is. I hope others gain strength and courage from these words.
There is no other direction of travel for us - other than to sobriety.
There is no other direction of travel for us - other than to sobriety.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Hi David,
I see no reason to tell your parents if you don't want to - none of us are children, we can make our own mistakes and then we can find our own solutions. You are angry inside. Why is that? You have nothing good in your life? Drinking will only make it worse as you know. You have lots of people here really wanting to help, giving advice, you may feel alone, but you're not. On the other side of this screen are many good and wise friends who will support you.
I see no reason to tell your parents if you don't want to - none of us are children, we can make our own mistakes and then we can find our own solutions. You are angry inside. Why is that? You have nothing good in your life? Drinking will only make it worse as you know. You have lots of people here really wanting to help, giving advice, you may feel alone, but you're not. On the other side of this screen are many good and wise friends who will support you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 476
Feeling better
Its day two and this time feels different because of how sick I felt last time I drank. It's really scared me as I've never been scared before.i know I'm really done drinking, before I wasnt done. Also i haven't had any cravings since my last drink. I'm going to put aa on back burner for couple days but I'm going to find a way to go.
David
David
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,077
Hang in there David, You have to detox yourself.. very unpleasant I know because my last and final home detox was borderline full blown DT's...Never again my friend....every minute that goes by your getting a little bit better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 476
Thanks everyone
Feeling anxious right now but no cravings. I'm just focusing on not drinking right now the future can wait. Before I would think about everything I needed to fix. Right now I'm just focusing on staying sober. David
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