BullDog777

I want a refund on the last 2 years. This **** has been TOUGH.

My dad is dying. He's at my home in hospice care. He may have a few days, maybe a few weeks or a month, but his time is almost up on this earth. I'm heartbroken. I'm crushed, shaken to my core and I'm finding it hard to breathe from the weight of that grief right now.

I'm not going to drink-I'm not going to drug. This world is gonna have to kill me to take my sobriety.
So knock knock **********. I'm not goin anywhere.

I had to get an AFT test for liver cancer. They're watching me like a hawk. No markers, I'm 100% cancer free. Dr said I need to drink more water. That was all. So. I'm glad about that. Everything else checked out normal. My A1C was 4.9 so that was awesome.

I've taken care of my dad every day for the last year. He's ready and I'm tired of watching him suffer the way he has. That's been the true pain of all this. Having to watch someone you love slowly deteriorate to the point where they no longer can do anything on their own.

I've said everything that I needed to say to him. There aren't any unspoken words-nothing left to tie up...no regrets.

Practically speaking, this is what he asked for and the true loss for me is purely selfish. I want him here. The truth is, he needs to be with my mom. So be it.

I'm gonna miss him but I will continue to honor them both by walking this path even when I have to crawl. Whether it's inch by inch or step by step, I have to stay moving forward. That's how we live.

that's it.

thanks.

Boondock

Hang in there Bulldog, I went through the whole Hospice thing with my mom who passed away after a long battle with cancer it'll be a year ago July. I had her for awhile in a hospital bed in my living room and then when she made a bad turn and she had to go to a Hospice center. So I was sleeping on a couch in her room at the center and one of the doctors said to me " Why don't you go home and sleep in your own bed she doesn't even know your here" and I said " Oh great idea I'll just go home make a grilled cheese and watch Seinfeld while my mom is dying....thanks for the advise dude" she died that night.....It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through so I get it...Take care.

dustyfox

BullDog, sounds as if you have done everything you can for your dear Dad, it's wonderful to hear you say you have said everything that needs to be said and there are no regrets - I imagine he would be proud of you -
It sounds a tough time for you I am in awe that you are being so strong - I hope that strength will carry you through the next days or weeks or months - thoughts and prayers to you and your dear Dad.

least

(((Bulldog))) It's hard watching them fade a way, a bit at a time. I know when my mom died, we all breathed a sigh of relief, cause she was suffering and in so much pain. They gave her morphine and that eased her pain, but also made her unaware of anything going on around her.

You have my sympathy. What you're doing is really hard on you.

Mizz

I do understand all of what you wrote and I am really sorry you are going through this.
Its brutal on so many levels. You are doing very well and it is really good you are here talking about it.
We are here for you! Keep talking.

Once again, I am sorry you are in this place right now.

Dee74

Wishing you and your dad peace and strength BD.

D

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear that your health and test results are positive Bulldog, and also that you've been able to make peace with your father's situation. He's very lucky to have you as a caretaker whether he says it or not. I watched my Grandmother go through a similar time prior to her death a few years ago so I understand the helpless feeling. Peace to you and your family and kudos to you for staying sober through all of it.

Scd619x

Stick me down for a refund on the last 6 years what a load of bollocks it has been, sober but absolute bollocks. Still a fresh day today and only one person to blame as usual lol

Dropsie

My heart is with you and you Dad.

lyddie

Bulldog - wishing you peace and strength as you help your father through his last days.

Obladi

That was a beautiful post, BullDog. I'm so glad you're at peace with this even while it's tearing you up.
Paradox is awe-inspiring at times.

We're with you, you know. Standing vigil from our far-away but close-by invisible but very real perches.

O

fishkiller

Life most definitely is not fair.

I wish you and your Dad peace.