Unknownroad

Then got a lot of what I thought I needed, only to end up only caring about my life when it involved an hourly pay rate. My ambition to succeed is driven by the desire to tell everyone who ever doubted me that they can (fill in the blank). Not by accruing luxury items, but by showing them that I can take care of myself and that they can all go to h*ll.

I did the steps and thought I did a great job on step 4, but really I did a hell of a job inventorying but not letting anything go. I have a lot of work to go and my second time through the steps is not going well. This is with four and a half years sober in the bank. Can't trust myself to be responsible with things (credit cards, owning a firearm, having children, or any other "grown up" things). Really I want to be a minimalist so I can fit everything I need in 1 car load and run away. I'm like a mix of a stressed out workaholic and angsty goth teenager stuck two decades ago.

My sponsor says not to 12 step anyone now and focus on my own recovery, which I agree with since all I have are suicide ideation, a partially distant wife whom I'm not sure I even love anymore or ever did (we met and got married when I was hammered), and a job that doesn't give a damn about me but will ring me out for all I'm worth.

Grymt

Lots of good insights there, imo. To work through all that successfully, which you will, the numero uno fundamental thing is to not pick up.
Anger, ill-will, resentment, revenge are all rooted in wanting things to be different from how they are. Wanting, craving is all the same. Just keep on working the steps and relax and let go of the old way of being. Be kind to yourself and others.

Scd619x

I've done the steps a few times, not the maintenance ones but the ones you are referring to in your post. You are in the same position i was, with about the same amount of time, where are the promises? Happy, joyous and free. Sure i can dance around like a loon at a meeting and in front of AA pals but i don't feel that at home or away from prying eyes. So, what to do? Well, for me, AA was not enough in this area so i had to start exploring. It's not enough to just say oh well alcoholics are immature by nature so what do you expect, most of us were never ever taught how to be mature so, what, we were supposed to just make that up and be ok?? There is your journey, like mine, how do i act more mature and take myself more seriously. Now that sentence would have pi**ed me off about 5 years ago, but after a great deal of effort i understand that both are admirable traits and achievable no matter what your past. And yeah forget 12 stepping, do you! No-one will jump out of the shadows and force a drink down your throat!

fishkiller

4.5 years is awesome!

Put the effort into your life that you put into sobriety and it I'll work out.

You recognize the problem, this is huge. Many do not.

Now just work towar the solution.

advbike

Congrats, you're doing fine. I got all messed up on the stepwork - too much emotional baggage and a long complicated history. I eventually picked up. Doesn't work for all of us, so I moved on. Some therapy, lots of reading. Help others and have gratitude. I like the minimalist thinking, working on that myself.

snitch

I can relate to your post. Following.