I hate my life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 60
I hate my life
I drink about 4 or 5 times a week. I use to be able to drink but why can't I anymore? I am 33 and when I turned 30 alcohol would make me get VERY twitchy , hyperventilate and terrible anxiety that would last days.... I'm still drinking and I'm beyond depressed. I feel sick I have this warm feeling like a fever that I'm run down and I'm also getting derealization. Like it feels like I'm in a dream like state this is terrifying! I'm having bad light sensitivity and I can't think straight I can barley type this. Drinking clearly isn't helping but when I'm sober I'm still deeply depressed. Uhg I'm so sick and depressed all day I can't leave my apartment and get help I'm just stuck.... Please I have no one to turn to I can't tell my mother because it would worry her and she's not in the greatest health to hear her son is deeply depressed and sick. Thanks for listening
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi and welcome Karthas 
I identify with your problem- the more and the longer I drank the more badly it affected me.
I understand you don't want to upset your mother - is there a doctor or counsellor you could talk to for help?
D
I identify with your problem- the more and the longer I drank the more badly it affected me.
I understand you don't want to upset your mother - is there a doctor or counsellor you could talk to for help?
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to the family! 
It might be that you haven't been sober long enough for the depression to have lifted. It might also be (like me) that you're already depressed and the alcohol is just making it a lot worse. 
I hope you'll stick around and post to let us know how you're doing. We care. 
I got sober for good 11 and a half years ago and was feeling a little ragged around three months in. It was suggested to me that I start practicing gratitude every day. At first it was really hard cause I was just realizing the mess I'd made with my drinking and it was depressing to have to finally face my fears head on.
But I kept on doing it until it became a habit. And I noticed my depression was lifting. My attitude changed from painfully negative to positive. It took time, and I was back on my antidepressant medication, but the meds worked since I wasn't drinking a depressant every day.
The other thing I discovered about actively practicing gratitude is that it made me happier. I had/have a much healthier outlook on life.
Here's an article about how being grateful rewards us. Give it a try. It changed my whole life.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
It might be that you haven't been sober long enough for the depression to have lifted. It might also be (like me) that you're already depressed and the alcohol is just making it a lot worse. 
I hope you'll stick around and post to let us know how you're doing. We care. I got sober for good 11 and a half years ago and was feeling a little ragged around three months in. It was suggested to me that I start practicing gratitude every day. At first it was really hard cause I was just realizing the mess I'd made with my drinking and it was depressing to have to finally face my fears head on.
But I kept on doing it until it became a habit. And I noticed my depression was lifting. My attitude changed from painfully negative to positive. It took time, and I was back on my antidepressant medication, but the meds worked since I wasn't drinking a depressant every day.
The other thing I discovered about actively practicing gratitude is that it made me happier. I had/have a much healthier outlook on life.
Here's an article about how being grateful rewards us. Give it a try. It changed my whole life.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 121
The same problem happened to me around age 30… I just couldn’t handle the booze like used to. 1 night of hard drinking would lead to 72 hours of misery. Depression, anxiety, hopelessness. I am not sure how this came to be, as I used to be able to drink heavy for a few days straight, and I’d be fine.
The only thing that worked for me is to be completely sober… after I get 2 weeks under my belt, all the depression and anxiety lifts… I m am still struggling to stay sober myself, but I keep trying.
The only thing that worked for me is to be completely sober… after I get 2 weeks under my belt, all the depression and anxiety lifts… I m am still struggling to stay sober myself, but I keep trying.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Karthas. I too drank for many years and it wasn't until later on that things got progressively worse. I do not deal with depression, but I have other mental health issues that I tried to drink away for a long time. Initially it kind of worked, but after a while it made things a lot worse just like you describe. For me the solution was that I needed to separate and accept that there were indeed 2 distinct issues - Addiction and my Mental Health issues. And then I needed to treat each of them appropriately - I had to come up with a sobriety plan, which has evolved many times over the years. And then I had to treat my mental health issues through professional avenues. At first it is very difficult as everything is so raw as you describe, but once you can get over the initial hump things can improve significantly. You generally do need to treat both though - for example if you ignore your addiction and keep drinking, there's really not much that therapy or meds can help improve as the alcohol completely messes up your brain chemistry. Especially with depression - as alcohol is a very strong central nervous system depressant. In essence, you are attempting to put out a fire by pouring gasoline on in, but in reverse.
You'll find a lot of people here who have been through it and recovered, and many who are just getting started out like you. Stick around and ask questions, we are happy to have you here and try and share our experiences.
You'll find a lot of people here who have been through it and recovered, and many who are just getting started out like you. Stick around and ask questions, we are happy to have you here and try and share our experiences.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 60
Thanks appreciate the replys. Seems like alcohol was something atleast tolerable in the beginning for some of us. Weather it's the liver or brain breaking down alcohol seems to bring us down eventually I know it did me. I'm very low these days because of the hangovers like I struggle to get out of bed... Honestly I could not make it to an AA meeting.... But I have been doing short walks and exercise. I think the depression in my case is why I drink. I've tried quite a few SSRIs and initially they worked... They fizzled out tho. It's very hard to get help becaise of the shortages of doctors in my city so I have to go to the er to get referred to a psychiatrist. There's other meds to try I guess... I was about to try kratom but uhg idk that could be another addiction.... My life is nothing I don't work, don't have the desire to do any old hobbies, my body is breaking down and I'm 33 years old and I feel 80.... Is there any suppliments that can really put life back in u like milk thistle to SAMe ? I know I'll need to deal with this depression and anxiety and the psychiatry route is an option
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Taking any medication when you're drinking is likely to make that medication not work like it should, Karthas.
You are right to be cautious about things like Kratom tho - addictive substances and self medication are a bad mix.
Support really helped me get sober and stay sober - with the support and help here you can stay sober too - and maybe take another ruin at anti depressants, if that's what your Dr advises?
D
You are right to be cautious about things like Kratom tho - addictive substances and self medication are a bad mix.
Support really helped me get sober and stay sober - with the support and help here you can stay sober too - and maybe take another ruin at anti depressants, if that's what your Dr advises?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 60
That's the route I'm leaning toward is a second try at the antidepressants. Either that or drink and cause myself more.mental health issues. It's discouraging tho when I've tried a handful of them with no luck but than again they were all SSRIs and from the same family so there could be something else that would mix with my brain chemistry. I wish I was the type where if I quit alcohol Im happy but I have quit in the past for 5 months I was still deeply depressed. Not sick and as anxious atleast in that 5 month span however. Finding the solution to lifting my mood is where I'm struggling.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Some people find when they quit, they're happy - they need to do nothing else but not drink.
For others (me among them) the absence of alcohol uncovers other problems....I'm sorry it's you too Karthas.
counselling helped me and then, later on, medications I was taking for other reasons helped my depression and any anxiety
It can take a while to find the right kind of help but I hope you'll stick at it. There's no future drinking like we do.
I often tell people to build a sober life that they will love - that can be hard to envisage at first - but it does get easier the further away we get from that last drink
D
For others (me among them) the absence of alcohol uncovers other problems....I'm sorry it's you too Karthas.
counselling helped me and then, later on, medications I was taking for other reasons helped my depression and any anxiety
It can take a while to find the right kind of help but I hope you'll stick at it. There's no future drinking like we do.
I often tell people to build a sober life that they will love - that can be hard to envisage at first - but it does get easier the further away we get from that last drink
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 60
Dee74 I'm happy to hear that you discovered help for yourself it's alot to figure out. You hear of alot of people quitting a substance butttttt usually people are doing that substance for a reason. Like depression or gut cringing anxiety. And than that needs to be dealt with.... Alot of people sorta don't touch on the fixing there mood part and make it sound like just quitting a substance is the answer... But we're all different. Ill have to try medications and various ones I'm sure til something clicks. The anxiety I feel right now is allental. Picture like you just got caught for robbing 5 banks and you got busted that's how terrible anxiety is for me
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,848
The anxiety is your posts resonated with me, anxiety about losing a grip o reality and constant pressure to hide my problem all made me completely exhausted. I am only a couple of weeks sober and to be honest feel awful most of the time, insomnia, headaches, weird aches and pains etc. But reading the experience of others on this forum has helped me understand the withdrawal process and the kindness and support will help you get through. Sometimes feeling alone is just too overwhelming and reaching out is the right thing to do.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,829
For about the last year of my drinking "career" I was crippled with anxiety, depression, paranoia, etc., etc. When I finally admitted that I was powerless over alcohol and made a total and unconditional surrender, that's when my life very slowly started to improve. Those first few weeks and months were tough, but I slogged my way thru it and then something amazing started happening. My mind, body and soul began to heal. I started to feel better and better. Now, nearly 12 years later, I'm living the life I always dreamed of when I was drinking. It all started with that one moment of surrender.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
Posts: 333
I drank to self medicate my anxiety and depression, i never realised until later years that was why i was drinking. I didn't want to isolate all the time and have no life at all so I drank, either to go out or to get out of my head. 30s is very young, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. I hope you find some medication to treat how you feel, there are a huge amount of medicines out there that DONT interact with alcohol so you will be able to try one of them i'm certain. Im my experience, and thinking about my 30s, the worst thing you can do is stand still drinking or not.
NB I'm not advocating drinking, i am advocating action whilst drinking or not so you don't waste years of your life.
NB I'm not advocating drinking, i am advocating action whilst drinking or not so you don't waste years of your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Back in the USA
Posts: 2,661
I can totally relate Karthas… Being older, drinking just didn’t do it for me anymore like in my 30s n 40s. 50s now and I finally decided a little over 5 months ago that quitting drinking was a great idea…
At first, the anxiety, blood pressure spikes, and unstable blood sugar levels along with insomnia, palpitations, and a host of other pawsy discomforts were horrible!! I never thought they would end 😩 One day they did…There are still some bad days where symptoms return but never on a level they were at in early recovery 😕 Still…My testimony to you is to keep sobriety going…its worth the peace and comfort you will feel in due time.
Keep coming back, reading and posting…It helps a lot to get the encouragement and support of all here.
As long as you stay the course of sobriety, it will get better. Hang in there 😇
At first, the anxiety, blood pressure spikes, and unstable blood sugar levels along with insomnia, palpitations, and a host of other pawsy discomforts were horrible!! I never thought they would end 😩 One day they did…There are still some bad days where symptoms return but never on a level they were at in early recovery 😕 Still…My testimony to you is to keep sobriety going…its worth the peace and comfort you will feel in due time.
Keep coming back, reading and posting…It helps a lot to get the encouragement and support of all here.
As long as you stay the course of sobriety, it will get better. Hang in there 😇
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