proudtobehere

I spend many nights regretting my drinking at home by myself. I feel very lonely. I recently had a family vacation where many members of my immediate family met at a resort and shared a beach house. Didn't feel the need to drink even once over the course of a week as I was never bored. We returned home Friday night and tbh I got a pint of vodka to drink at 11pm even after a tough day of travel? So tired from the trip and yet I can't bring myself to go alcohol free for a good nights sleep? WTH???

Dee74

hi proudtobehere

I agree its confusing. For many years I was able to stay sober in many situations like being with the family, or getting into a new relationship, but leave me alone and I would drink.

Why? Addiction is illogical.

The problem was really, as I see it, sobriety never lasted, and sooner or later in either situations I reverted to my old ways.
Later I even lost the ability to be sober in those other situations.

tbh, I think your efforts are really best focused on getting sober and staying that way, regardless of situation.

D

ScottFromWI

I too found addiction to be supremely confusing, especially towards the end of my drinking days. I can vividly remember sitting in the parking lot of my favorite brewpub knowing that I needed to go home instead of going, and wanting to go home - yet off I went every single day. I can also remember choking down the first beer of the morning knowing I didn't want to drink it, but if I didn't I'd have such horrible withdrawals that even forcing it down was what I did against all evidence otherwise.

For me the solution was not to "figure it out", but to accept that I simply cannot drink without consequence. And that the only solution was complete abstinence, whether it made sense or not. You don't need to be alone, there's an entire army of people like you right here on SR - lean on us for support.