For those tortured by PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms) and who fear they might go mad Part 3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 200
@BettyP
How are you doing? It's been much better for me, some days I struggle with sadness/borderline depression but it's only temporary for a few hours, it tends to lift towards the evenings. Other days (like today) No symptoms.
How are you doing? It's been much better for me, some days I struggle with sadness/borderline depression but it's only temporary for a few hours, it tends to lift towards the evenings. Other days (like today) No symptoms.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 326
Yes same. I crossed a threshold of anxiety a week or so ago so now I'm not feeling the low level constant dread. This has been great as it's taken away a lot of panic attack triggers - like just the dread building and building until it overflows. I have definitely been dealing with sadness, low level depression, and lack of motivation. Some days I've got it and I feel great, but a lot of days I'm dragging myself out of bed super late and forcing myself to take a shower and feed myself. I know this is just another phases of the process. I read a blog a while back about a woman who was in month 11 who was feeling all of these ways. Like the rest of the garbage we've been through, it's gonna pass. What an ordeal we have been through my god. I would never wish PAWS on my worst enemy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
This is my first post and I'm so grateful for this thread ( as well as the previous ones). I would have thought I was losing my mind if I hadn't read through it and possibly lapsed to "feel better". I'm only in my 2nd month, but encouraged even though this may be a long haul of recovery.
It seems the headaches have subsided but it's like each week it's a different system sorting itself out ( digestive/GI, musculoskeletal, skin, urinary, neuro etc.) with weird symptoms lol.
Probably the worst for me is depersonalization, anxiety, and random crying spells.
I'm also super fatigued and trying to work out daily ( at least 20-30 minutes) but it's difficult.
The plus side is I'm sleeper far better than I have in long time.
It seems the headaches have subsided but it's like each week it's a different system sorting itself out ( digestive/GI, musculoskeletal, skin, urinary, neuro etc.) with weird symptoms lol.
Probably the worst for me is depersonalization, anxiety, and random crying spells.
I'm also super fatigued and trying to work out daily ( at least 20-30 minutes) but it's difficult.
The plus side is I'm sleeper far better than I have in long time.
Better late than never
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: middle of no where, missouri
Posts: 142
Originally Posted by Cabernetgoaway 
This is my first post and I'm so grateful for this thread ( as well as the previous ones). I would have thought I was losing my mind if I hadn't read through it and possibly lapsed to "feel better". I'm only in my 2nd month, but encouraged even though this may be a long haul of recovery.
It seems the headaches have subsided but it's like each week it's a different system sorting itself out ( digestive/GI, musculoskeletal, skin, urinary, neuro etc.) with weird symptoms lol.
Probably the worst for me is depersonalization, anxiety, and random crying spells.
I'm also super fatigued and trying to work out daily ( at least 20-30 minutes) but it's difficult.
The plus side is I'm sleeper far better than I have in long time.
It seems the headaches have subsided but it's like each week it's a different system sorting itself out ( digestive/GI, musculoskeletal, skin, urinary, neuro etc.) with weird symptoms lol.
Probably the worst for me is depersonalization, anxiety, and random crying spells.
I'm also super fatigued and trying to work out daily ( at least 20-30 minutes) but it's difficult.
The plus side is I'm sleeper far better than I have in long time.
All I can say is buckle up and hang on! 2 months is still pretty early so I would just concentrate on day to day and how you're feeling. I know for me I had a lot of those same feelings at first mostly the constant tired and easily fatigued but I would keep forcing myself into the gym and doing heavy workouts which seem to just make me feel even more tired that even a few times I would call in to work cause I was to tired to want to even get out of bed.
If I could go back I would of just stuck to some very light cardio and short walks. I also would of came back to this site much more sooner instead of waiting till I was in the peak of my PAWS and on the verge of having a relapse just so I could feel normal! If I would of done that I might of had a smoother experience handling PAWS but I've always been a slow learner
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 326
Welcome, Cabernet! As others said, two months is often just the beginning for a lot of PAWS sufferers - but, some people get better faster - it really depends on your brain and body chemistry. What is important is to remember that what you're going through - as awful as the symptoms will be - is that it's temporary, and that you are normal and healing. You have not permanently damaged your brain and when you are feeling awful that this is not your permanent reality. When you have those days, come here and read posts - and post yourself and tell us how you're feeling. We have all gone through and are going through this and we have strength in numbers. You're going to be ok. You'll hear a lot of people tell you that it gets better, and as someone going into month 11 very soon, I can attest that it does indeed. Stay strong and stay sober so that you only have to go through this once!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 200
@Cabernetgoaway
As I am a bit of a keyboard warrior, especially when it comes to PAWS, allow me to give you a breakdown.
I drank for a relatively short period of time (3 years) but I have allowed my drinking to get so bad that I actually had to go to the hospital on the first days of my withdrawal. Towards the end of my drinking I didn't have a single sober day and most days I would drink until I could knock myself out and pass out for 12 hours straight. I drank quite a bit heavier than most alcoholics that you would speak to. This said let me give you the good and the bad.
The good: it does get better and in fact in my case I can see my life resolving back to my 20 year old self where I was in complete control of my emotions and my mental health, I am just not quite there yet.
The bad: it will be a long journey. If you are experiencing true PAWS (which by the sounds of it, you are), do not fool yourself that it will be over within a day, you are just setting yourself up for failure. I was the epitome of health before I started drinking with no major illnesses in my life and no mental problems and I thought I would go through a few days of withdrawals and would be back to my tiptop shape. That has not been the case. PAWS hit me so hard that to this day I consider the first 6 months of my detox back then to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, ever, ever, eeeeever. I thought I was losing my mind, and not in the "oh man, I'm going to lose my mind typing up all these spreadsheets for my boss today" but in the "I need to call my mother and inform her that I am checking into a mental hospital" because I really was losing my mind.
You may very well be completely different to me and you most likely had completely different drinking pattern to mine. I consider myself in the extreme edge of the PAWS spectrum I think as I had days where I would down several fifths of liquor, followed by a half-gallon of wine (yes, you read that correctly) and followed by countless bottles of beer, there were days where I didn't even waste time and would mix all 3 together in 1 bottle and just go to town on it, as disgusting as that mixture may sound to you right now, I let my drinking get so bad that this was the only way for me to feel hammered.
This was the beginning of the end of my drinking as I, one night, woke up and had a sentence racing through my head that just kept repeating "don't listen to her voice" over and over and over again. You have not felt true dread until you hear a voice in your head say something like that for an hour straight. How I survived that on my own is still beyond me, truly the will to live is an incredible thing.
All that said, once I did quit, I didn't feel any pink cloud or any signs of relief that everyone keeps talking about, none of that "your life will be so much better!". Frick no, I felt worse than I ever did, brain fog, dread, anxiety attacks, paranoia, dizziness, inability to talk to people without depersonalization, panic. You name it, I had it.
And it kept getting worse and worse for months. Only in month 3 to 6 had I started noticing some symptoms alleviate.
I'll try to list them in order as to when they began to abate:
- Paranoia - about a month after beginning of detox
- Brain fog - about 2 months after beginning of detox.
- Dizziness getting out of bed - about 3 months after beginning of detox.
- Brain zaps - about 3 months after beginning of detox
- Anxiety/panic attacks (the really bad ones) - 3 to 6 months after beginning of detox (I mean these were so bad, I felt I was actually passing out during some)
- Ambient anxiety - about 8-9 months after beginning of detox
What I have remaining now are these bursts of borderline depression, blues, the big sad, whatever you want to call it (which itself is getting better and better with each passing month) and the inability to handle stress (this too has been MUCH better than in the first 6 months).
I can feel myself slowly crawling through broken glass to my old baseline before I drank. And it is beautiful. When you feel some of these milestones that are coming to you, it is the biggest rush of dopamine you can ask for, far bigger than any dopamine you got from liquor ever. There is a reason alcoholics that haven't touched booze in years will tell you that they are living happier than they've ever lived before.
Anyways, I know this is a long post but I've been meaning to make one all-encompassing post on my experiences with PAWS and this is it.
Always feel free to drop me a personal message, I will always try and reply to you as fast as I can.
As I am a bit of a keyboard warrior, especially when it comes to PAWS, allow me to give you a breakdown.
I drank for a relatively short period of time (3 years) but I have allowed my drinking to get so bad that I actually had to go to the hospital on the first days of my withdrawal. Towards the end of my drinking I didn't have a single sober day and most days I would drink until I could knock myself out and pass out for 12 hours straight. I drank quite a bit heavier than most alcoholics that you would speak to. This said let me give you the good and the bad.
The good: it does get better and in fact in my case I can see my life resolving back to my 20 year old self where I was in complete control of my emotions and my mental health, I am just not quite there yet.
The bad: it will be a long journey. If you are experiencing true PAWS (which by the sounds of it, you are), do not fool yourself that it will be over within a day, you are just setting yourself up for failure. I was the epitome of health before I started drinking with no major illnesses in my life and no mental problems and I thought I would go through a few days of withdrawals and would be back to my tiptop shape. That has not been the case. PAWS hit me so hard that to this day I consider the first 6 months of my detox back then to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, ever, ever, eeeeever. I thought I was losing my mind, and not in the "oh man, I'm going to lose my mind typing up all these spreadsheets for my boss today" but in the "I need to call my mother and inform her that I am checking into a mental hospital" because I really was losing my mind.
You may very well be completely different to me and you most likely had completely different drinking pattern to mine. I consider myself in the extreme edge of the PAWS spectrum I think as I had days where I would down several fifths of liquor, followed by a half-gallon of wine (yes, you read that correctly) and followed by countless bottles of beer, there were days where I didn't even waste time and would mix all 3 together in 1 bottle and just go to town on it, as disgusting as that mixture may sound to you right now, I let my drinking get so bad that this was the only way for me to feel hammered.
This was the beginning of the end of my drinking as I, one night, woke up and had a sentence racing through my head that just kept repeating "don't listen to her voice" over and over and over again. You have not felt true dread until you hear a voice in your head say something like that for an hour straight. How I survived that on my own is still beyond me, truly the will to live is an incredible thing.
All that said, once I did quit, I didn't feel any pink cloud or any signs of relief that everyone keeps talking about, none of that "your life will be so much better!". Frick no, I felt worse than I ever did, brain fog, dread, anxiety attacks, paranoia, dizziness, inability to talk to people without depersonalization, panic. You name it, I had it.
And it kept getting worse and worse for months. Only in month 3 to 6 had I started noticing some symptoms alleviate.
I'll try to list them in order as to when they began to abate:
- Paranoia - about a month after beginning of detox
- Brain fog - about 2 months after beginning of detox.
- Dizziness getting out of bed - about 3 months after beginning of detox.
- Brain zaps - about 3 months after beginning of detox
- Anxiety/panic attacks (the really bad ones) - 3 to 6 months after beginning of detox (I mean these were so bad, I felt I was actually passing out during some)
- Ambient anxiety - about 8-9 months after beginning of detox
What I have remaining now are these bursts of borderline depression, blues, the big sad, whatever you want to call it (which itself is getting better and better with each passing month) and the inability to handle stress (this too has been MUCH better than in the first 6 months).
I can feel myself slowly crawling through broken glass to my old baseline before I drank. And it is beautiful. When you feel some of these milestones that are coming to you, it is the biggest rush of dopamine you can ask for, far bigger than any dopamine you got from liquor ever. There is a reason alcoholics that haven't touched booze in years will tell you that they are living happier than they've ever lived before.
Anyways, I know this is a long post but I've been meaning to make one all-encompassing post on my experiences with PAWS and this is it.
Always feel free to drop me a personal message, I will always try and reply to you as fast as I can.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Back in the USA
Posts: 2,661
Originally Posted by Graceful123
@Cabernetgoaway
As I am a bit of a keyboard warrior, especially when it comes to PAWS, allow me to give you a breakdown.
I drank for a relatively short period of time (3 years) but I have allowed my drinking to get so bad that I actually had to go to the hospital on the first days of my withdrawal. Towards the end of my drinking I didn't have a single sober day and most days I would drink until I could knock myself out and pass out for 12 hours straight. I drank quite a bit heavier than most alcoholics that you would speak to. This said let me give you the good and the bad.
The good: it does get better and in fact in my case I can see my life resolving back to my 20 year old self where I was in complete control of my emotions and my mental health, I am just not quite there yet.
The bad: it will be a long journey. If you are experiencing true PAWS (which by the sounds of it, you are), do not fool yourself that it will be over within a day, you are just setting yourself up for failure. I was the epitome of health before I started drinking with no major illnesses in my life and no mental problems and I thought I would go through a few days of withdrawals and would be back to my tiptop shape. That has not been the case. PAWS hit me so hard that to this day I consider the first 6 months of my detox back then to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, ever, ever, eeeeever. I thought I was losing my mind, and not in the "oh man, I'm going to lose my mind typing up all these spreadsheets for my boss today" but in the "I need to call my mother and inform her that I am checking into a mental hospital" because I really was losing my mind.
You may very well be completely different to me and you most likely had completely different drinking pattern to mine. I consider myself in the extreme edge of the PAWS spectrum I think as I had days where I would down several fifths of liquor, followed by a half-gallon of wine (yes, you read that correctly) and followed by countless bottles of beer, there were days where I didn't even waste time and would mix all 3 together in 1 bottle and just go to town on it, as disgusting as that mixture may sound to you right now, I let my drinking get so bad that this was the only way for me to feel hammered.
This was the beginning of the end of my drinking as I, one night, woke up and had a sentence racing through my head that just kept repeating "don't listen to her voice" over and over and over again. You have not felt true dread until you hear a voice in your head say something like that for an hour straight. How I survived that on my own is still beyond me, truly the will to live is an incredible thing.
All that said, once I did quit, I didn't feel any pink cloud or any signs of relief that everyone keeps talking about, none of that "your life will be so much better!". Frick no, I felt worse than I ever did, brain fog, dread, anxiety attacks, paranoia, dizziness, inability to talk to people without depersonalization, panic. You name it, I had it.
And it kept getting worse and worse for months. Only in month 3 to 6 had I started noticing some symptoms alleviate.
I'll try to list them in order as to when they began to abate:
- Paranoia - about a month after beginning of detox
- Brain fog - about 2 months after beginning of detox.
- Dizziness getting out of bed - about 3 months after beginning of detox.
- Brain zaps - about 3 months after beginning of detox
- Anxiety/panic attacks (the really bad ones) - 3 to 6 months after beginning of detox (I mean these were so bad, I felt I was actually passing out during some)
- Ambient anxiety - about 8-9 months after beginning of detox
What I have remaining now are these bursts of borderline depression, blues, the big sad, whatever you want to call it (which itself is getting better and better with each passing month) and the inability to handle stress (this too has been MUCH better than in the first 6 months).
I can feel myself slowly crawling through broken glass to my old baseline before I drank. And it is beautiful. When you feel some of these milestones that are coming to you, it is the biggest rush of dopamine you can ask for, far bigger than any dopamine you got from liquor ever. There is a reason alcoholics that haven't touched booze in years will tell you that they are living happier than they've ever lived before.
Anyways, I know this is a long post but I've been meaning to make one all-encompassing post on my experiences with PAWS and this is it.
Always feel free to drop me a personal message, I will always try and reply to you as fast as I can.
As I am a bit of a keyboard warrior, especially when it comes to PAWS, allow me to give you a breakdown.
I drank for a relatively short period of time (3 years) but I have allowed my drinking to get so bad that I actually had to go to the hospital on the first days of my withdrawal. Towards the end of my drinking I didn't have a single sober day and most days I would drink until I could knock myself out and pass out for 12 hours straight. I drank quite a bit heavier than most alcoholics that you would speak to. This said let me give you the good and the bad.
The good: it does get better and in fact in my case I can see my life resolving back to my 20 year old self where I was in complete control of my emotions and my mental health, I am just not quite there yet.
The bad: it will be a long journey. If you are experiencing true PAWS (which by the sounds of it, you are), do not fool yourself that it will be over within a day, you are just setting yourself up for failure. I was the epitome of health before I started drinking with no major illnesses in my life and no mental problems and I thought I would go through a few days of withdrawals and would be back to my tiptop shape. That has not been the case. PAWS hit me so hard that to this day I consider the first 6 months of my detox back then to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, ever, ever, eeeeever. I thought I was losing my mind, and not in the "oh man, I'm going to lose my mind typing up all these spreadsheets for my boss today" but in the "I need to call my mother and inform her that I am checking into a mental hospital" because I really was losing my mind.
You may very well be completely different to me and you most likely had completely different drinking pattern to mine. I consider myself in the extreme edge of the PAWS spectrum I think as I had days where I would down several fifths of liquor, followed by a half-gallon of wine (yes, you read that correctly) and followed by countless bottles of beer, there were days where I didn't even waste time and would mix all 3 together in 1 bottle and just go to town on it, as disgusting as that mixture may sound to you right now, I let my drinking get so bad that this was the only way for me to feel hammered.
This was the beginning of the end of my drinking as I, one night, woke up and had a sentence racing through my head that just kept repeating "don't listen to her voice" over and over and over again. You have not felt true dread until you hear a voice in your head say something like that for an hour straight. How I survived that on my own is still beyond me, truly the will to live is an incredible thing.
All that said, once I did quit, I didn't feel any pink cloud or any signs of relief that everyone keeps talking about, none of that "your life will be so much better!". Frick no, I felt worse than I ever did, brain fog, dread, anxiety attacks, paranoia, dizziness, inability to talk to people without depersonalization, panic. You name it, I had it.
And it kept getting worse and worse for months. Only in month 3 to 6 had I started noticing some symptoms alleviate.
I'll try to list them in order as to when they began to abate:
- Paranoia - about a month after beginning of detox
- Brain fog - about 2 months after beginning of detox.
- Dizziness getting out of bed - about 3 months after beginning of detox.
- Brain zaps - about 3 months after beginning of detox
- Anxiety/panic attacks (the really bad ones) - 3 to 6 months after beginning of detox (I mean these were so bad, I felt I was actually passing out during some)
- Ambient anxiety - about 8-9 months after beginning of detox
What I have remaining now are these bursts of borderline depression, blues, the big sad, whatever you want to call it (which itself is getting better and better with each passing month) and the inability to handle stress (this too has been MUCH better than in the first 6 months).
I can feel myself slowly crawling through broken glass to my old baseline before I drank. And it is beautiful. When you feel some of these milestones that are coming to you, it is the biggest rush of dopamine you can ask for, far bigger than any dopamine you got from liquor ever. There is a reason alcoholics that haven't touched booze in years will tell you that they are living happier than they've ever lived before.
Anyways, I know this is a long post but I've been meaning to make one all-encompassing post on my experiences with PAWS and this is it.
Always feel free to drop me a personal message, I will always try and reply to you as fast as I can.
Lets keep it up 😇
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
@Graceful123 ,Thank you so much for your thorough breakdown!
It is so encouraging to hear it does get better (despite the long journey). I was also healthy/fit prior to drinking and completely underestimated how long it would take for me to get back to "myself". I initially thought the first week would be the hardest, but not anymore.
My drinking pattern was nightly (every night mega wine bottles) but I managed to add vodka into the mix sometimes during the beginning of quarantine last year. Prior to my latest attempt, I was never able to go longer than a month sober (feeling as if I was losing it). I just decided to try to push through that first week, and keep going (day by day).
I do feel worse and also sometimes have a sense of " emotional flatness" if that makes sense. On the one hand, it's helping me to avoid some of the painful triggers I used to justify my drinking, however I'm afraid I'm going to be hit with an "avalanche" of emotions later when I start to get better lol.
Last night I was watching a boring show and suddenly was hit with an extreme sense of dread ( happens more at night during the time I would drink). My brain has exited my body and I'm so glad I don't have intense projects at work right now.
I'm determined and will be hanging out on this site daily.
It is so encouraging to hear it does get better (despite the long journey). I was also healthy/fit prior to drinking and completely underestimated how long it would take for me to get back to "myself". I initially thought the first week would be the hardest, but not anymore.
My drinking pattern was nightly (every night mega wine bottles) but I managed to add vodka into the mix sometimes during the beginning of quarantine last year. Prior to my latest attempt, I was never able to go longer than a month sober (feeling as if I was losing it). I just decided to try to push through that first week, and keep going (day by day).
I do feel worse and also sometimes have a sense of " emotional flatness" if that makes sense. On the one hand, it's helping me to avoid some of the painful triggers I used to justify my drinking, however I'm afraid I'm going to be hit with an "avalanche" of emotions later when I start to get better lol.
Last night I was watching a boring show and suddenly was hit with an extreme sense of dread ( happens more at night during the time I would drink). My brain has exited my body and I'm so glad I don't have intense projects at work right now.
I'm determined and will be hanging out on this site daily.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by Graceful123
@Cabernetgoaway
PAWS hit me so hard that to this day I consider the first 6 months of my detox back then to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, ever, ever, eeeeever. I thought I was losing my mind, and not in the "oh man, I'm going to lose my mind typing up all these spreadsheets for my boss today" but in the "I need to call my mother and inform her that I am checking into a mental hospital" because I really was losing my mind.
...
All that said, once I did quit, I didn't feel any pink cloud or any signs of relief that everyone keeps talking about, none of that "your life will be so much better!". Frick no, I felt worse than I ever did, brain fog, dread, anxiety attacks, paranoia, dizziness, inability to talk to people without depersonalization, panic. You name it, I had it.
PAWS hit me so hard that to this day I consider the first 6 months of my detox back then to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, ever, ever, eeeeever. I thought I was losing my mind, and not in the "oh man, I'm going to lose my mind typing up all these spreadsheets for my boss today" but in the "I need to call my mother and inform her that I am checking into a mental hospital" because I really was losing my mind.
...
All that said, once I did quit, I didn't feel any pink cloud or any signs of relief that everyone keeps talking about, none of that "your life will be so much better!". Frick no, I felt worse than I ever did, brain fog, dread, anxiety attacks, paranoia, dizziness, inability to talk to people without depersonalization, panic. You name it, I had it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 326
Vin so sorry to hear you're having a tough day. You're are super strong and PAWS really is the worst. It's unreal how awful it can make a human being feel. Just remember - the really bad days usually lead to strides forward .. this is one of the things I remind myself when I'm having a super bad day.
VinBx
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: New York
Posts: 190
Thank you Dee 🤞
Thank you Betty. I always remind myself of that, and it usually beats me and overwhelms me. I appreciate you all. It's an amazing feeling to have eachother andunderstand one another on this forum.
Thank you Betty. I always remind myself of that, and it usually beats me and overwhelms me. I appreciate you all. It's an amazing feeling to have eachother andunderstand one another on this forum.
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