Lpg

Today I shared my trauma with my therapist, I started therapy for the 3rd time a few weeks back but today I shared the full extent of it. Its so hard reliving all my trauma but I know I need to do this to make a better future for myself. I came off the phone and just let all the emotion out, it hurts so much. But I’m hopeful, smooth seas and all that.

I had contacted an alcohol service a few months ago when I was really struggling with my sobriety and consumed with thoughts of returning to alcohol and I’m so glad I contacted them because it’s really saved me from slipping back into old habits that don’t work. I’m really beginning to understand why I have struggled so much with sobriety, I have no skills to help manage my emotions and alcohol and drugs had been my Only comfort for such a long time.

The one thing that stands out is that feeling of warmth from the first drink, the comfort that warmth brought to me in times I was so desperately suffering. This is the sensation I feel/seek whenever things become overwhelming for me. It takes every ounce of my being to sit with these feelings and I just can’t wait for the day I can have a thought and let it be just that...a thought. I’m nearly 3 and a half years alcohol free at this point and I’m stunned really that I’ve made it so far, I have to not be so hard on myself for that at least.

I’m also including my cannabis use in this therapy, in hope that I can leave it behind when I’m done and have the tools to manage. Sorry about the ramble on I just had to post today.

Dropsie

It is tough, but will be so worth it at the end. You are so worth it. Join us over at O's place if you are ever in the mood. We think and chat a lot of addressing emotions without substances.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you are taking positive steps LPG and I hope the counseling is helpful this time around. Not sure if it helps or not, but when you have those thoughts about the "warm feelings" that alcohol gave you - try and remember all the pain and suffering that comes with it every time. Also remember that the alcohol cause the suffering - not the other way around. It is not your friend or there to help you in any way. As bad as things sometimes seem now, drinking will ALWAYS make them worse, guaranteed.

I think that's pretty amazing that you have that much alcohol free time, and I do hope you are able to conquer the marijuana issue too. To be honest that ( the pot ) could also be holding you back in your recovery, glad to hear you are being upfront about it with your therapist.

nez

Boy, can I relate to that feeling of warmth from the first drink. That was the way it was for me as well, even though the feeling was fleeting, especially towards the end of my drinking. I remember the last time I relapsed 18 years ago, as I tilted my head back and felt the beer hit the back of my throat, my immediate thought was "Ah, honeydew vine water", it was followed almost simultaneously by a thunderclap feeling thought of "DAMN, here we go again."

When I find myself yearning for that feeling of warmth, I shift my thoughts into a mindset of gratitude, and when I do that I can feel the warmth permeating throughout my soul and the effects last longer and with a far better outcome than I ever achieved by chasing it through the use of alcohol.

Today it is no contest which warmth I prefer. Plus the warmth of gratitude keeps me from descending into the cold depths of alcoholic hell. Because of that I can better handle whatever comes my way in life and I can better work on other issues that might crop up. Issues that can potentially create the need to seek warmth, until they are addressed in a healthy manner.

Therapy is a wonderful tool to gain exposure to skills that can help in managing emotions, with farther reaching and better results than drugs or alcohol. At times recovery seems the harder way, but it is far softer in the long run. Keep at it and the regrets will be nonexistent. In my experience, the warmth of alcohol included nothing but regrets :~)

Dee74

I really hope it helps lpg

D

Obladi

Lpg, I feel for you. It is like re-traumatizing when you put those things out on the table, I know. I also know that the pain can at least be neutralized/isolated so that you don't carry it with you like a heavy sack full of rocks.

But in the meantime, yes, feelings. I recognize how difficult it is to sit on your hands and Do Nothing. Hardest thing I've ever done, maybe; learning to live through that gawdawful discomfort. I don't know about you, but it made me really upset with myself to feel that stuff. I felt like I was a big dope in a soggy heap of mush, so pitiful and weak. I guess sometimes I still do, but not to that extent. The more I learn to live through the feelings and do the work I need to do surrounding those feelings, the more I heal. I know you will too.

Don't reject the emotions. Feel them, examine them, let them settle in for a visit so you can figure out what they are all about. Have compassion as you would for a friend. Because you're worth it. You really are a miracle, having made it this far. You can surely go another stretch on this road to your own well being.

xo
O

Dropsie

How is it going LPG?

Lpg

Hey thanks for the reply’s everyone, sorry I didn’t reply right away I have actually been so drained since that morning. It’s crazy how much all this stuff can really wipe you out. I’m feeling better today thanks dropsie. See when you reply to people how do you do the quote thing so it’s not all one big long reply? Iam on an iPhone if that helps? Also dropsie where can I find O’s place

Obladi what you describe sums up pretty much how I feel, I’m definitely taken right back to all those times filled with fear it’s like I relive it right here and now. I’ve really been affected by this stuff And I’ve rejected feeling it for so long that I almost feel like a small child again emotionally. Learning not to reject the emotions is difficult but if I want my emotional stability to mature I need to feel them out.

nez gratitude does certainly help, I was doing great at the start of the year checking into the gratitude forum but I had a stretch of cannabis free period then and was embarrassed to return once again after giving in. Not that I had to say anything about it, but it reminded me I’d not been successful.

yes Scott I spoke about that with my therapist about how alcohol is not a friend, and how it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking it is a comfort but that is fleeting and becomes our worst enemy. I just can’t really remember much about it but I have plenty loved ones around me to remind me. I agree with you on the cannabis holding me back. I’ve really wanted to be done for a while.

Obladi

I understand how that feels, Lpg. It's astounding that you aren't drinking over it, so good for you! I did. Repeatedly. Until I discovered that there were some things that I absolutely could not touch with a ten foot pole if I were to gain any substantial hold on sobriety. So I did this exercise where I packed those things up in a virtual box that resides on the top shelf in the back of my virtual closet. So I acknowledged those things, stopped trying to just forget them (because how could that even work?), and am ever-mindful now of things that need to remain in the box. If any trivial thing comes up that involves "addressing" those particular things, I tread very very carefully and now remember in fairly short order to talk with my therapist so he can help me work out what's going on. Because for me, at this point in my development, that stuff is toxic. It's enough to allude to "that stuff" (he knows what it is) and then sort of work around it.

Other stuff surrounding those instances or other hurts from the land of Way-Long-Ago; those I examine. It generally comes up in the context of something that's happening right now. I get way bent out of shape over something that "shouldn't" bother me so much, but it does! So I do this exercise to figure out what that feeling is about (as opposed to thinking over the situation rationally) and I generally (eventually) find some unresolved hurt from my younger years. It seems that today's situation can get trigger my emotions to go right back to the same place as those many years ago. And pretty much, once I find what that original situation was, I think, "Oh you poor thing, Little O. Of course you were hurt by that. It's ok, I'm grown now and I can handle it." Sounds all new-age-y or whatever, but it works for me. Before I tripped across this method of acceptance, I was very dismissive of myself, much like others have been, like society teaches us to be. "Stop your sniveling now. Everybody has problems, but you don't see us sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves all day. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Fake it til you make it." Bah. That attitude might work for the rest of all y'all, but it doesn't work for me. And guess what? That's O K.

I don't know how to do the quote thing on a phone - not for more than one quote, anyhow.

However, I can tell you my place is right down the block: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-3-a.html (Life Goes On (was Oh Well?) Part 3)

So glad you came back to check in.
Really.

Thank you

O

Lpg

thanks for your reply O, I totally get what you mean about getting bent out of shape about things that shouldn’t bother you I seem to do that a lot but when I think of those things it usually has some part from my past somewhere. For example one of the small things...when I grew up as a kid I grew up in a home that was a party house, I never knew one minute from the next who was down there or turning up at any point. Now I’m living in my own home I have it very quiet and peaceful but if anyone turns up uninvited I get hostile about it and it makes me so angry. Total over reaction. Those aren’t even the things I have so much fear about just an example of how it’s changed my make up as an adult. I seem to be triggered by the more trivial things. So you can imagine my cheery face greeting unexpected visitors.

I think the big stuff I have boxed away with rep tape on, I managed to talk about it for the first time without crying. That was a huge step for me, usually those conversations end because I just can’t continue. I kind of have to talk about it as if telling someone else’s story, doesn’t seem real sometimes. Yeah I have often used the pull yourself together method, I think I tried all the unhealthy coping methods, self harm, drink/drugs. It’s time to do things the right way now. I’m definitely striving for a better future these days. I want to set goals and I want to be free to succeed. I do believe there is more for me in this world & I want to make my son proud. I also don’t want to put all my fears of the world on him either.

thanks for telling me where your place is I will definitely stop by sometime & Thanks for sharing its really helped me not feel alone this week.