Kat1313

Hi Everyone!
Hope you are healthy and managing your sobriety well.

Today is my Day 1 again after 14 days sober. Have no idea why I chose to buy two bottles of wine yesterday (not just one but two) and drank them in a span of a few hours. When I entered the liquor store, I knew I should just turn around leave. But I didn’t 😭

Passed out on a couch and came to when I heard my parents coming over to help my son and husband clean me up (I threw up all over myself while passed out. Sorry 😔 Gross!)

Needless to say, I was up all night shaking, crying and regretting drinking. There was nothing fun about it; I did not even want to drink but did anyways. How ridiculous is that? I am so upset with myself right now but decided to come back on SR and start posting again.
I need to work through this pain and shame and could not think of a better place to do it.

My son won’t talk to me (rightfully so), my husband is disappointed and hurt by my relapse, and my parents are puzzled by what had happen (they usually do not see me in such condition) and worried sick about me. Apparently, I called my brother last night and spent 20 min on the phone with him saying random things, talking nonsense in a blackout making absolutely no sense. Got him worried because it is so unlike me. He called back to check on me later but I missed his call and never called him. I have been on a path to recovery having longer periods of sober time under my belt between binges. Cannot even consider it as an accomplishment any longer as I keep disappointing my loved ones over and over again.

I figured if I post on here, I will get right back to how I want to be-sober and accountable for my actions. I am crying as I am writing this because I am ashamed of myself. I know I am safe here and not being judged; however, I am an emotional wrack right now. I know this feeling of anxiety and painful shame will last for about a week or so; always takes a while before I can let go of negative thoughts and start healing. Self-loathing is not healthy but I am stuck on it presently. I am completely sober at the moment and the thought of alcohol makes my stomach turn.
Luckily, I am not physically dependent on alcohol and can go days/weeks without cravings. Why did I choose to buy the wine yesterday?!? I was doing so well without it.

Pardon the novel, but I really need to “talk” this out. According to my call history, I called my best friend before passing out; we talked for 40 min and I have no idea what about. Blackouts are so scary! Trying to piece your night together is next to impossible as I did not store new memories due to high BAC. This intoxicated person is nothing like me sober. NOTHING! And I dislike her to my very core. Why do I keep doing it to myself? I am very upset with myself right now. I could have been posting a two week sober success story instead. But I drank and messed it up.

I hope you will find my cry for help worthy of support. I am deeply sorry for relapsing. I should have posted before I made a decision to purchase the wine. I should have not made that stop at a liquor store! I always pass it on my way home with no desire to buy alcohol. What happened yesterday? Why I slipped from a path I was on and doing great? 🤷🏼‍♀️

can you please share your experiences? I would like to know how you got pass self-loathing and found forgiveness.

Thank you for reading my post! Bless you all and keep your sobriety your number one priority. If you are struggling with cravings today, please see it through the eyes of someone who gave in and has nothing but pain and regret as a result of it. Do not pick up that drink! Do not make that stop at a liquor store! You will hate yourself the next day. Do not do it to yourself or your loved one! Love yourself enough to let the craving pass.

doggonecarl

Physical dependence is only one component of alcoholism. The main component is mental. That's why the hard work of recovery starts AFTER one has detoxed from alcohol.

Why did you buy wine? I don't know why you bought it. What did you tell yourself? That this time it would be different? or maybe you said "**** it, I'm going to drink." It really doesn't matter. Your addiction spoke, you listened and obeyed. And you drank.

I asked this in a previous post, and I ask again, what are you doing for your recovery? How far you get from your last drink doesn't matter if you aren't addressing the root cause of your alcoholism.

novips

I could not stop relapsing till I completely submitted to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you have not done so, I suggest you read "Bill's Story" in the Big Book. He describes the repeated insanity of the first drink that you just experienced very well. Importantly, neither good intentions, nor will power, nor fear could keep him sober. Like me, he needed to gain access to a power greater than himself that could do for him what he could not do for himself, and the A.A. program of recovery -- with its meetings, steps, and service work -- is uniquely designed to allow me to gain access to that power. At least that's my experience.

Kat1313

Thank you both for your replies. I do need a new plan, and I absolutely need help getting to the root of my addiction.

advbike

Welcome back, and sorry to hear of your troubles. Try to be kind to yourself, because shame can contribute to further drinking and numbing of feelings. Just take positive action.

First - you really need to be honest with yourself. You know what went through your head when you stopped to buy wine. What was it? There is no way the car drove itself there and you walked in without knowing what you were going to do.

So what were the thoughts?
Was it "**** it - I need a drink"?
Or maybe "I had a long day, I deserve this"?
Or maybe there is something going on with someone. A relationship problem.

What were your thoughts beforehand? Be honest with yourself and you will find the answer to why you drank this time.

But secondly, the important thing to know is our AV can come up with many excuses and rationalizations to have a drink, because we have developed a coping mechanism that relies on the numbing effect of alcohol. We addicts don't like uncomfortable feelings, even good ones, so we seek to numb them them down to avoid the ups and downs..

Lastly - you probably need a daily program of some sort to help you understand what's going on, learn to live with your feelings, and strengthen your resolve to not pick up. Most of us use one or the other or a combination.

AA, Rational Recovery, SMART Recovery, even joining a class here. All can be effective if you make the effort.

Kat1313

Thank you for being kind to me, Advbike! I know exactly what I was thinking when I made the decision to purchase that wine. I thought to myself that I really should not be drinking because once I start, I can’t stop. I was surprised at the fact I did not have cravings. Almost went past the store but made the mistake of stopping. Not going to lie, I have no excuses and no logical explanation as to why I did what I did. I did the exact opposite of what my plan was or thoughts were that day. Weird but that is my truth. I am so mad at myself for it because it is causing my loved ones lots of emotional pain. I made a conscious decision to buy the poison against every reason I had not to drink. I let everyone down and suffering the consequences right now.

ScottFromWI

In my experience, the reason I slipped from the path of sobriety back before I had quit for good was because I had not accepted the fact that I was indeed an alcoholic. There is really no logical answer to "why" I am alcoholic, I simply had to accept that I am.

Once I did that I was able to put together a plan for my life to remain sober. That plan involved a community to support me ( SR, other groups ), an inventory of my physical and mental health, and overall major life change. Just as drinking doesn't just "happen" - you have several conscious decisions that lead up to it, getting sober isn't a one time thing. It is a lifestyle change that you need to continually examine and change as time goes on.

Kat1313

I have tried to make a life-long change countless times in the recent years, but always failed. I do need a plan and a support system in place in order to succeed. I visit SR often reading other members’ posts; I think now is my time to start posting regularly. I hesitated to do that in the past because I felt like a failure. I was embarrassed to write about my relapses and did not have the guts to post or reach out for help. Until this morning, that is.

ScottFromWI, thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. It helps me tremendously to know that I am not alone on this journey. I am thinking of calling today my Day 15, instead of Day 1, with a hiccup on Day 14. Do you think it’s an illusion or actually something that may keep me motivated? I refuse to disregard two weeks of sober time; it was there after all and sure made me proud. Would love your thoughts on it.

Vik88

kat. i'm so sorry to hear that. we are really here for you. please let this be your moment that when live will turn around. please accept the help here

ScottFromWI

My personal take would be to call it Day 1. Whether it's a hiccup/slip/oops it still involved the knowing and willing drinking of alcohol, and it sounds like it was quite a major event at that. To me, downplaying it also feeds right back into your addiction eventually telling you that it's OK to do it again.

But in the grand scheme of things, I don't really count days anyway - I am sober today and plan on being tomorrow, so whether I have 1, 100, or 1000 days is not much of a concern.

There's no reason you have to disregard 2 weeks of sobriety either, that's a good achievement and it certainly confirms that you can indeed stay sober if you choose to.

Dee74

Welcome back Kat1313.

I think the day count is probably not the most pressing matter right now

I think you are best to focus on a recovery action plan - a plan of action on how you will stay sober.

No one is asking you to disregard your two weeks sober but you need to address drinking again, I think.

Maybe you need more support to call on in those ‘auto pilot’ moments...or maybe you also need to make more changes in your life to reflect the fact you want recovery to be a permanent change?

here’s some slightly more detailed ideas on what a recovery action plan could be

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post5314914 (Recovery Programs & What to Expect (What We Did))

D

ciowa

Kat, hope you feel better soon. Ill share a little of my experience

I was a binge drinker, job, my own place, car etc and I used to justify my binges by pointing out I was not a daily drinker. But I was generally a uncontrolled drinker in that once I started I wouldn't quit until I passed out. This thing we have with alcohol (call it what you want) it only gets worse over time. So those one day binges become 2, then 3 and so on.

I used to think I only had to make a few changes to control my drinking but I didnt know that I had passed that point of being able to regulate at some point earlier. Those 4 drinks at the bar and then walk home at 10pm were long gone. I tried to change my sleep patterns, my diet, my type of alcohol, even the length of time between drinks. It didnt matter. I could go alcohol free for 3 months and then the next time I drank it was worse than the last time. Like I said, it will get worse.

Our bodies have this amazing ability to bounce back. When we are in pain from a hangover we feel vulnerable and open to change. But as soon as we start to bounce back we begin to forget about that pain and everything associated with it as we go back to our normal routine. I've heard this called 'fading affect bias' and a theory it has to do with our mental, psychological and even bio-neuro responses. Our pleasure seeking soon overrides our pain avoidance and we are back in that cycle all over again.

Thats what i went through and this would be followed by euphoric recall. Remembering the rush of the first drinks and everything associated with it and ignoring the rest of what was to come after those first few drinks.

The way i was able to quit was to finally accept that I was never going "to beat" the alcohol and have control over it. That if I kept drinking it was going to be a certain, quick death. I had to be willing to give up the alcohol and all the good things I thought it brought into my life. After some time drying out, I realized those good things were still there and that the urges and cravings were usually about somethings in my life I had forgotten how to cope with. Recovery was learning how to deal with things again and be aware of my emotions and instincts.

Its been a good road for me and I hope you can find a way forward because each binge will always take you to where you are now. Good luck.

Kat1313

Thank you, friends, for your support, input and wisdom. Re-read each reply twice and very grateful to each and every one of you for offering your help, advice, and understanding.
I will not focus on what I call it, Day 1 or Day 15; instead, I will redirect my energy towards healing and recovery. And you are all right: I cannot drink ever! That's how my nightmare starts; one drink leads to 10.....I now accept the fact that I cannot moderate. I must change my way of thinking and take it one day at a time. Less empty promises, more actions. This disease sure is progressive, and I do not want to poison my mind and body with alcohoI ever again. I see the damage and I am scared. will try my best to forgive myself for relapsing. Even though it seems impossible at the moment, I simply have to do it. For my own peace of mind and for the sake of healthy recovery, you know? I am sure most of you can relate to feeling so low that you think you are the worst person on earth. My exact feelings right now. I know that it is partially residual alcohol talking since my body is in a process of pushing it out of my system still. And my anxiety is contributing to me feeling like that as well. I have to gain self-respect back and stating sober and in control is the only way to do it.

Have you, guys, been able to forgive yourselves? Any tips/techniques you can suggest?

P.S. thank you all for not skipping over my post. I am so glad I chose to post today reaching out for help.

Dee74

Forgiveness for me came with time - I needed to put a little distance between who I had been and who I wanted to be first...

D

Kat1313

makes sense, Dee. Thank you for sharing.

ScottFromWI

I would agree forgiveness takes time. And some of the things I did while I was drinking might never be forgiven by others around me, I also learned that I have to accept that reality too. Not that it's impossible to heal relationships/wounds/etc - most things can be repaired over time. But the first step of course is to change the things you can to prove to others that you are 100% committed to being sober, and to do that through actions. You will build confidence in yourself and others around you will also see it over time. One thing that can help along those lines is keeping a journal/gratitude list every day - not only does it help your self confidence as you read back and see your successes, it also helps you recognize patterns and possibly nip things in the bud if you do start getting complacent.

Kat1313

great suggestion, Scott 👍🏻 I will give it a try. Keeping a journal sounds like something I should do and haven’t done before. It could potentially help me recognize a pattern which I could be missing now and teach me new coping skills as I can modify my recovery plan based on my notes. I am really excited about it now. Thank you!

Kat1313

Good morning! Starting Day 2.

have not slept at all due to high anxiety and panic attacks. Getting ready for work now and preparing myself mentally to face Day 2 post relapse. Extremely hard to let go of how miserable I feel right now as I am working on moving forward in my sobriety.
Blessed to have my family by my side helping me on this journey; lucky to have my SR support system in place.

Thank you for welcoming me back!

Hope you all have a great day today!

Briansy

It's tough, Kat. But we all know it gets so much better after a few days and in a fortnight you will probably have a much better outlook. I'm right back in your camp after getting nearly 3 months. It's demoralising but what can we do? Only refocus and stay committed.

Kat1313

Absolutely! So proud of your for getting nearly three months sober and getting right back on track after a relapse. It is important to seek help in recovery vs making excuses for drinking and failing again.
I am just having an incredibly difficult time getting past the embarrassment, shame and regret. But with your support as well as others I know I can get through it.
Am I overthinking it, Briansy? Should I just use the relapse as a learning tool and move forward instead of obsessing over it? I almost feel like I “have to” punish myself with the rumination and negative thoughts for my drunken behavior since I hurt my family so much. Ugh! Has anything like that happen to you? Thank you and sending much love your way.