Day 1 again....nothing but regret and shame
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Kat, that is an age old conundrum - I don't have an answer I'm afraid. I think it's the most natural thing in the world to berate ourselves after a session but we know it's not healthy. You kinda feel like you should do it so you are starting off on the right footing but it only makes you more miserable. You certainly committed enough right now and maybe just see how you go? I think I know what to do. Now it's a matter of going ahead and doing it
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When I 1st quit I had a rush of guilt and shame come over me.
I hadn't relapsed but I had looked back at my past actions when I was drinking and felt like a horrible person.
Posting here was the 1st thing I did.
Second was to shift my focus to who I want to be and not who I was.
As long as I work toward becoming who I Want to be I can leave the past behind.
Instead of being ashamed of falling, we have all done it, be proud of the work you have done to get sober. But you have to do the work.
The next time your car pulls into the liquor store remind it of what happened the last time it did that. Maybe that will make it pull back out of the lot before it can make a big mistake.
I hadn't relapsed but I had looked back at my past actions when I was drinking and felt like a horrible person.
Posting here was the 1st thing I did.
Second was to shift my focus to who I want to be and not who I was.
As long as I work toward becoming who I Want to be I can leave the past behind.
Instead of being ashamed of falling, we have all done it, be proud of the work you have done to get sober. But you have to do the work.
The next time your car pulls into the liquor store remind it of what happened the last time it did that. Maybe that will make it pull back out of the lot before it can make a big mistake.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Originally Posted by fishkiller 
When I 1st quit I had a rush of guilt and shame come over me.
I hadn't relapsed but I had looked back at my past actions when I was drinking and felt like a horrible person.
Posting here was the 1st thing I did.
Second was to shift my focus to who I want to be and not who I was.
As long as I work toward becoming who I Want to be I can leave the past behind.
Instead of being ashamed of falling, we have all done it, be proud of the work you have done to get sober. But you have to do the work.
The next time your car pulls into the liquor store remind it of what happened the last time it did that. Maybe that will make it pull back out of the lot before it can make a big mistake.
I hadn't relapsed but I had looked back at my past actions when I was drinking and felt like a horrible person.
Posting here was the 1st thing I did.
Second was to shift my focus to who I want to be and not who I was.
As long as I work toward becoming who I Want to be I can leave the past behind.
Instead of being ashamed of falling, we have all done it, be proud of the work you have done to get sober. But you have to do the work.
The next time your car pulls into the liquor store remind it of what happened the last time it did that. Maybe that will make it pull back out of the lot before it can make a big mistake.
I will take it one day at a time and won’t be afraid or ashamed to reach out for help, as needed.
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Originally Posted by Briansy
Kat, that is an age old conundrum - I don't have an answer I'm afraid. I think it's the most natural thing in the world to berate ourselves after a session but we know it's not healthy. You kinda feel like you should do it so you are starting off on the right footing but it only makes you more miserable. You certainly committed enough right now and maybe just see how you go? I think I know what to do. Now it's a matter of going ahead and doing it
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,282
Hi Kat. You don't have to drink ever again.
There was a time early in recovery when if I saw a bottleshop or pub/bar/liquor outlet ahead I had to cross the street so it was more difficult to go in and became more of a conscious choice rather than a habit.
Similarly when I stopped smoking, getting rid of all temptations was important. All ashtrays, cigarette papers, lighters, any smoking paraphernalia (except my departed dads pipe, I hang on to that for other reasons, perhaps it's time now to let go of that) went in the bin. For weeks after stopping smoking I would at odd moments reach for tobacco which fortunately wasn't there. I washed all clothes and bedding, got rid of the stink so much less triggers and more awareness of the consequences if I did smoke.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, make it very difficult to pick up. Posting here, making verbal contracts in AA (for example) and personally and cross the street.
There was a time early in recovery when if I saw a bottleshop or pub/bar/liquor outlet ahead I had to cross the street so it was more difficult to go in and became more of a conscious choice rather than a habit.
Similarly when I stopped smoking, getting rid of all temptations was important. All ashtrays, cigarette papers, lighters, any smoking paraphernalia (except my departed dads pipe, I hang on to that for other reasons, perhaps it's time now to let go of that) went in the bin. For weeks after stopping smoking I would at odd moments reach for tobacco which fortunately wasn't there. I washed all clothes and bedding, got rid of the stink so much less triggers and more awareness of the consequences if I did smoke.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, make it very difficult to pick up. Posting here, making verbal contracts in AA (for example) and personally and cross the street.
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Originally Posted by ciowa
"Drinking is what you did, it doesn't have to be who you are."
Thank you!
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Originally Posted by Grymt
Hi Kat. You don't have to drink ever again.
There was a time early in recovery when if I saw a bottleshop or pub/bar/liquor outlet ahead I had to cross the street so it was more difficult to go in and became more of a conscious choice rather than a habit.
Similarly when I stopped smoking, getting rid of all temptations was important. All ashtrays, cigarette papers, lighters, any smoking paraphernalia (except my departed dads pipe, I hang on to that for other reasons, perhaps it's time now to let go of that) went in the bin. For weeks after stopping smoking I would at odd moments reach for tobacco which fortunately wasn't there. I washed all clothes and bedding, got rid of the stink so much less triggers and more awareness of the consequences if I did smoke.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, make it very difficult to pick up. Posting here, making verbal contracts in AA (for example) and personally and cross the street.
There was a time early in recovery when if I saw a bottleshop or pub/bar/liquor outlet ahead I had to cross the street so it was more difficult to go in and became more of a conscious choice rather than a habit.
Similarly when I stopped smoking, getting rid of all temptations was important. All ashtrays, cigarette papers, lighters, any smoking paraphernalia (except my departed dads pipe, I hang on to that for other reasons, perhaps it's time now to let go of that) went in the bin. For weeks after stopping smoking I would at odd moments reach for tobacco which fortunately wasn't there. I washed all clothes and bedding, got rid of the stink so much less triggers and more awareness of the consequences if I did smoke.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, make it very difficult to pick up. Posting here, making verbal contracts in AA (for example) and personally and cross the street.
However, what I have noticed lately (after a relapse, generally) is that I cannot bare to look at a liquor store (do not go to pubs/bars, therefore, strangely enough, no association with drinking for me there, thank God) or a place in my apartment which I can subconsciously associate with my drinking. I immediately become consumed by anxiety, negative thoughts and self-hatered. So ashamed of my drunken behavior and all reminders of it in the past (places, clothes, food, smells, etc) to a point where feel like someone had put a sharp knife through my chest. I become depressed and obsessed with regret and self-loathing for days. Neither healthy or productive for me, I know. But I am trying to look at those negative feelings in a different, more positive way now. I guess they are there for me to learn and grow from. They are there to remind me what I am moving away from and who I want to become. I want to be my real self and true to what I always have known about myself. I want to remember my conversations with friends and family, I want to be present for my loved ones 24/7, and I want to be proud of who I am. Me + wine=I’m not fine. Mind and body free of booze=I can’t lose! (I think I just had awaken a poet in me lol)
Does it make sense?
Day 2 is done! Very happy to put a check mark next to 4/22/21 on my desktop calendar ✅
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,282
Makes good sense.
Shame is my friend.
To avoid remorse don't do bad things, and do good things. Perhaps the impulse to drink can be seen as a bit selfish and a good remedy for that is to train to instead of choosing to drink, choose to do something nice for someone without expecting something in return, perhaps like volunteering at a homeless shelter or give something away to a thrift shop. Whatever it is, replace the bad habit with a good one. It's all about retraining, imo.
Shame is my friend.
To avoid remorse don't do bad things, and do good things. Perhaps the impulse to drink can be seen as a bit selfish and a good remedy for that is to train to instead of choosing to drink, choose to do something nice for someone without expecting something in return, perhaps like volunteering at a homeless shelter or give something away to a thrift shop. Whatever it is, replace the bad habit with a good one. It's all about retraining, imo.
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Originally Posted by Grymt
Makes good sense.
Shame is my friend.
To avoid remorse don't do bad things, and do good things. Perhaps the impulse to drink can be seen as a bit selfish and a good remedy for that is to train to instead of choosing to drink, choose to do something nice for someone without expecting something in return, perhaps like volunteering at a homeless shelter or give something away to a thrift shop. Whatever it is, replace the bad habit with a good one. It's all about retraining, imo.
Shame is my friend.
To avoid remorse don't do bad things, and do good things. Perhaps the impulse to drink can be seen as a bit selfish and a good remedy for that is to train to instead of choosing to drink, choose to do something nice for someone without expecting something in return, perhaps like volunteering at a homeless shelter or give something away to a thrift shop. Whatever it is, replace the bad habit with a good one. It's all about retraining, imo.
Thank you! 😊
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I am up in the middle of the night again. Starting Day 3 sober.
Decided to post in case someone who is presently struggling to quiet their AV comes across this seeking help. A reminder of some sort why we should stay strong and committed to recovery. As you can clearly see from my posts, there is nothing but pain and regret after a relapse. Alcohol does not enhance your life in any regard and does not solve your problems; it only adds to it.
I wish I can describe how miserable I am feeling right now. My post-hangover anxiety is ten times worst than it used to be not too long ago. This tells you how progressive the disease is in all of its aspects.
Here is one more reason for us to stay sober today- the fact that people on SR are rooting for us to make our recovery a success story is amazing!
I am grateful for it and feel supported ❤️
Decided to post in case someone who is presently struggling to quiet their AV comes across this seeking help. A reminder of some sort why we should stay strong and committed to recovery. As you can clearly see from my posts, there is nothing but pain and regret after a relapse. Alcohol does not enhance your life in any regard and does not solve your problems; it only adds to it.
I wish I can describe how miserable I am feeling right now. My post-hangover anxiety is ten times worst than it used to be not too long ago. This tells you how progressive the disease is in all of its aspects.
Here is one more reason for us to stay sober today- the fact that people on SR are rooting for us to make our recovery a success story is amazing!
I am grateful for it and feel supported ❤️
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Can someone please share or explain to me as to why I am so overwhelmed with being embarrassed for saying random things, jumping from one topic to another, and oversharing during a blackout? People I called that night keep telling me that I am overthinking it and the conversation was not as bad as my brains makes me think it was. But I cannot stop obsessing about it. An intelligent person like myself made a total fool of herself by slurring words and using foul language for no reason in front of my parents and my son. I am dying on the inside trying to come to terms that I was not myself in that moment and it what happened can be forgiven in time. I feel like a monster undeserving of love and forgiveness 😭
Please, please help me! The fact that I hurt my loved ones by being blackout drunk in a middle of a work week and physically ill in front of them make me cringe 3 days later. Has anything like that happen to you? How does one get over it? Has your brain blown things out of proportion after poisoning it with alcohol? What have I done?!? I am so sorry.
Please, please help me! The fact that I hurt my loved ones by being blackout drunk in a middle of a work week and physically ill in front of them make me cringe 3 days later. Has anything like that happen to you? How does one get over it? Has your brain blown things out of proportion after poisoning it with alcohol? What have I done?!? I am so sorry.
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Getting drunk and vomiting in front of family is one of the milder things I have done drunk.
Flipping out, screaming at people, including a police officer who was there for the noise from the party, and just being a disoriented drunk. In front of my Whole family. At a kids birthday party at that. Little embarrassing. I'm sure it hurt my mother to see me like that and that hurt the worse.
Like I said, I got over the shame and embarrassment by getting sober.
Use this last episode as motivation to stay sober.
I also feel this is the AV trying to get you to give up and drink to dull the pain. Don't let it win.
Flipping out, screaming at people, including a police officer who was there for the noise from the party, and just being a disoriented drunk. In front of my Whole family. At a kids birthday party at that. Little embarrassing. I'm sure it hurt my mother to see me like that and that hurt the worse.
Like I said, I got over the shame and embarrassment by getting sober.
Use this last episode as motivation to stay sober.
I also feel this is the AV trying to get you to give up and drink to dull the pain. Don't let it win.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Originally Posted by fishkiller
Getting drunk and vomiting in front of family is one of the milder things I have done drunk.
Flipping out, screaming at people, including a police officer who was there for the noise from the party, and just being a disoriented drunk. In front of my Whole family. At a kids birthday party at that. Little embarrassing. I'm sure it hurt my mother to see me like that and that hurt the worse.
Like I said, I got over the shame and embarrassment by getting sober.
Use this last episode as motivation to stay sober.
I also feel this is the AV trying to get you to give up and drink to dull the pain. Don't let it win.
Flipping out, screaming at people, including a police officer who was there for the noise from the party, and just being a disoriented drunk. In front of my Whole family. At a kids birthday party at that. Little embarrassing. I'm sure it hurt my mother to see me like that and that hurt the worse.
Like I said, I got over the shame and embarrassment by getting sober.
Use this last episode as motivation to stay sober.
I also feel this is the AV trying to get you to give up and drink to dull the pain. Don't let it win.
As for AV trying to get to me....no, not at all! The last thing I want to do is drink to dull my pain. It is actually doing the opposite for me. The shame and pain are working as reminders of how I do not ever want to feel again. Ever!
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Originally Posted by Kat1313
thank you for replying, fishkiller 🙏🏻 I have a feeling that your family is proud of you and your sobriety nowadays. They would be even more proud of you if they knew how much you are helping others on SR by sharing your experiences and providing support so timely and kindly.
As for AV trying to get to me....no, not at all! The last thing I want to do is drink to dull my pain. It is actually doing the opposite for me. The shame and pain are working as reminders of how I do not ever want to feel again. Ever!
As for AV trying to get to me....no, not at all! The last thing I want to do is drink to dull my pain. It is actually doing the opposite for me. The shame and pain are working as reminders of how I do not ever want to feel again. Ever!
You do not ever have to feel this way again. Ever
Stay here. Post before you drink. We will remind you why you are here.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Kat1313
Thank you, friends, for your support, input and wisdom. Re-read each reply twice and very grateful to each and every one of you for offering your help, advice, and understanding.
I will not focus on what I call it, Day 1 or Day 15; instead, I will redirect my energy towards healing and recovery. And you are all right: I cannot drink ever! That's how my nightmare starts; one drink leads to 10.....I now accept the fact that I cannot moderate. I must change my way of thinking and take it one day at a time. Less empty promises, more actions. This disease sure is progressive, and I do not want to poison my mind and body with alcohoI ever again. I see the damage and I am scared. will try my best to forgive myself for relapsing. Even though it seems impossible at the moment, I simply have to do it. For my own peace of mind and for the sake of healthy recovery, you know? I am sure most of you can relate to feeling so low that you think you are the worst person on earth. My exact feelings right now. I know that it is partially residual alcohol talking since my body is in a process of pushing it out of my system still. And my anxiety is contributing to me feeling like that as well. I have to gain self-respect back and stating sober and in control is the only way to do it.
Have you, guys, been able to forgive yourselves? Any tips/techniques you can suggest?
P.S. thank you all for not skipping over my post. I am so glad I chose to post today reaching out for help.
I will not focus on what I call it, Day 1 or Day 15; instead, I will redirect my energy towards healing and recovery. And you are all right: I cannot drink ever! That's how my nightmare starts; one drink leads to 10.....I now accept the fact that I cannot moderate. I must change my way of thinking and take it one day at a time. Less empty promises, more actions. This disease sure is progressive, and I do not want to poison my mind and body with alcohoI ever again. I see the damage and I am scared. will try my best to forgive myself for relapsing. Even though it seems impossible at the moment, I simply have to do it. For my own peace of mind and for the sake of healthy recovery, you know? I am sure most of you can relate to feeling so low that you think you are the worst person on earth. My exact feelings right now. I know that it is partially residual alcohol talking since my body is in a process of pushing it out of my system still. And my anxiety is contributing to me feeling like that as well. I have to gain self-respect back and stating sober and in control is the only way to do it.
Have you, guys, been able to forgive yourselves? Any tips/techniques you can suggest?
P.S. thank you all for not skipping over my post. I am so glad I chose to post today reaching out for help.
Guilt and remorse were my major companions too in early recovery. Strangely not much resentment, I knew I was in the wrong. For some strange reason I never seemed to be able to do the right thing. Try as I might I always made a mess of things. For any prospect of peace of mind I did have to find a path to forgiveness, and I did. Here's how.
I admitted my problem and came to understand how very serious it was. It needed a solution so I looked around at all that I had tried, and chose an option I had been previously unwilling to try. It was that only untried option on my list. I made a decision to totally commit to that solution no matter how painful it got, and the first thing I had to do was take a really good look at myself. In this process I discovered that I was my own worst enemy. I had a lot of secrets, unpleasant memories that constantly played on my mind, so I spilled the beans with a trusted person and in so doing, discovered I was fairly normal for an alcoholic. After this I began to get some traction with the solution, and asked my higher power to help me move to better things. Then I went out to those I had hurt, the main source of my feelings of guilt, and began to put things right as best I could. When that was all done I looked around and found there was nothing left to forgive. I continue to live by this plan and have total peace of mind as the result.
That seems to be how it works, I took responsibility, admitted my faults, committed to change my behavior, restored what I had damaged, and lived a better life. Did I mention? The booze problem disappeared almost as a side effect.
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Originally Posted by Gottalife
Guilt and remorse were my major companions too in early recovery. Strangely not much resentment, I knew I was in the wrong. For some strange reason I never seemed to be able to do the right thing. Try as I might I always made a mess of things. For any prospect of peace of mind I did have to find a path to forgiveness, and I did. Here's how.
I admitted my problem and came to understand how very serious it was. It needed a solution so I looked around at all that I had tried, and chose an option I had been previously unwilling to try. It was that only untried option on my list. I made a decision to totally commit to that solution no matter how painful it got, and the first thing I had to do was take a really good look at myself. In this process I discovered that I was my own worst enemy. I had a lot of secrets, unpleasant memories that constantly played on my mind, so I spilled the beans with a trusted person and in so doing, discovered I was fairly normal for an alcoholic. After this I began to get some traction with the solution, and asked my higher power to help me move to better things. Then I went out to those I had hurt, the main source of my feelings of guilt, and began to put things right as best I could. When that was all done I looked around and found there was nothing left to forgive. I continue to live by this plan and have total peace of mind as the result.
That seems to be how it works, I took responsibility, admitted my faults, committed to change my behavior, restored what I had damaged, and lived a better life. Did I mention? The booze problem disappeared almost as a side effect.
I admitted my problem and came to understand how very serious it was. It needed a solution so I looked around at all that I had tried, and chose an option I had been previously unwilling to try. It was that only untried option on my list. I made a decision to totally commit to that solution no matter how painful it got, and the first thing I had to do was take a really good look at myself. In this process I discovered that I was my own worst enemy. I had a lot of secrets, unpleasant memories that constantly played on my mind, so I spilled the beans with a trusted person and in so doing, discovered I was fairly normal for an alcoholic. After this I began to get some traction with the solution, and asked my higher power to help me move to better things. Then I went out to those I had hurt, the main source of my feelings of guilt, and began to put things right as best I could. When that was all done I looked around and found there was nothing left to forgive. I continue to live by this plan and have total peace of mind as the result.
That seems to be how it works, I took responsibility, admitted my faults, committed to change my behavior, restored what I had damaged, and lived a better life. Did I mention? The booze problem disappeared almost as a side effect.
And you have no idea how perfect the timing is! I just spent two hours opening up to my parents and my brother about most (if not all) of the things that have been a burden on my soul. Found nothing but forgiveness, unconditional love and understanding in return. Under different circumstances, my soul would be elated and my spirit lifted, but I have much work to do before I can allow that joy in and forgive myself. Nonetheless, knowing that my family has that much love for me helps tremendously in my early recovery. I will be forever grateful for that. It sure does give me motivation to live my best life and show my appreciation and gratitude to them by staying sober, present, and healthy. I realize that I have a long way to go and much work to do on myself, but I feel like I am off to a good start. As others suggested, I will try to replace my negative thoughts and AV with selfless deeds and new hobbies. I hope to gain self respect and confidence with each passing day as I stay sober and focused; in recovery, I hope to find inner peace and forgiveness with no “buts, ifs, maybes”. I choose to believe that I was given a new chance to find my true self. I cannot pass on it! No way! Not with the amount of love and support I am getting 🙏🏻 I choose to fight for my sobriety, and I am committed to make it work this time around.
Lived through lots of trauma, lies, betrayal, unresolved issues and pain (on my part as well as towards me).....very depressed and vulnerable right now but feel surprisingly strong in my desire to go on and move forward. Come to think of it, people who really matter to me and are still in my life have always been there for me. Never hurt me or disappointed me. So all that trauma and pain stuff were not their fault; therefore, they deserve the best version of me! I will find a way to let go of the past and heal as I am working on building a better life for myself and my loved ones. I am up for the challenge 🙌🏻
Thanks again for inspiring me and for sharing an essential part of your journey with me.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,282
Good morning Kat. Regarding being told why embarrassed. : no can only speculate but can tell a way to get to know for your self, which can be much more valuable in the long run. Drinking is about denial. To avoid knowing things. Not drinking uncovers those things when there is no alternative habit of denial to adopt. So the way is simple, keep on not drinking. Be patient and be alert to feelings that arise in time and let go of them. They are not you. They are just phenomena that come and go, so just let them go and in time when you are ready the answers will just be there in you. Cheers
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Thank you, Grymt and Gentleprobe for your replies and being there for me. Hope your Saturday is going well.
Day 4 for me. Not having a good day so far. Low energy due to lack of sleep and waves of crippling anxiety make my head spin.
Cannot bare the thought of alcohol.
Wishing everyone a good day filled with pleasant events and mindful healing.
Day 4 for me. Not having a good day so far. Low energy due to lack of sleep and waves of crippling anxiety make my head spin.
Cannot bare the thought of alcohol.
Wishing everyone a good day filled with pleasant events and mindful healing.
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