Hey there
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 27
Hey there
Hi. I'm not new to the forum, just been away a long while and couldn't remember my old username. Anyway. I'm an alcoholic. I managed to get just about 90days in, then just super randomly, I drank. I didn't ever really enjoy it at all, but pandpras monsters had been released...that was about 4 months ago...I haven't managed more than a day or 2 since...my drinking is getting worse...more than I initially had when I tried to get sober the last time. I used to not drink until evening or late afternoon, now I can get past about 1030am. Day before yesterday I literally got out of bed, went to the garage fridge and chugged down 2 beers to "feel" better...it wasn't even 9am yet...I'm really struggling right now...the depression and hopelessness is overwhelming...I feel so utterly powerless and out of control...I'm kind of scared...this hole I'm digging is getting deeper and the walls a crumbling...I just don't know what to do...I always heard if you relapse you start right where you left off...I feel like I started much further down the line, I never drank this terrible before, I feel like I sped past my old habbit and into a whole new league. I use to have between 6 and 12 beers a day and I felt like crap then, I'm finishing that before noon lately...I think I've been having a case and a few everyday for the last few weeks...my relationship with my wife is suffering, she has no idea what I'm doing...i lie constantly, I hide constantly, I'm ruining everything with my lies and addiction...I'm rambling...anyway. Hey there, hope to be around for a while. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,576
Hi stuck on repeat. I could have typed your situation almost exactly almost 6 years ago. Bad news, it can get worse. I tried almost everything to get it under control, with very short term success. Everytime I went back to drinking, it got worse.
I committed to 90 meeting in 90 days no matter what. Even when I didn't feel like it, or thought I was too busy, I stayed true to my commitment. I did what they said and so far it has worked.
Have you considered AA? Personally, I was someone that said I would never go to AA, but when I was desperate enough and willing to do anything to stop the dumpster fire my life had turned into, I gave in and went. Best decision I have ever made.
You don't have to live like this, and they can show you how.
I committed to 90 meeting in 90 days no matter what. Even when I didn't feel like it, or thought I was too busy, I stayed true to my commitment. I did what they said and so far it has worked.
Have you considered AA? Personally, I was someone that said I would never go to AA, but when I was desperate enough and willing to do anything to stop the dumpster fire my life had turned into, I gave in and went. Best decision I have ever made.
You don't have to live like this, and they can show you how.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 464
A lot of what you described resonates with me. I couldn't do it alone and finally sought medical help.
A long-term structured alcohol program helped me. Takes guts and effort, but the reward is clearly worthwhile...
Good luck and keep posting.
A long-term structured alcohol program helped me. Takes guts and effort, but the reward is clearly worthwhile...
Good luck and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Glad you are here tonight, great advice already above. It took me a while to finally get sobriety right, and I am so glad I stuck with it. What worked for you during those 90 days? Think about what you might be able to add that can help you when you start to feel like drinking, that feeling really does pass, and you will never regret waking up the next morning sober because you decided not to give into that urge.
You can do this!
You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Sorry you are struggling.
For me, it was all about making a final irrevocable decision never to drink again.
Many people find that difficult but for me it was the key, accepting that for me, one sip was too much and that was NEVER going to change.
After that it was all about execution.
It took me a while to realise and accept emotionally that I could not drink. I KNEW it, but to accept it took a while. But once I did, it is like kicking my dog or hitting my kids -- I will never do it.
For each person, the way out is different but there is a path for you. I knew what it was long before I was willing to take the journey.
Go ahead, we are here to help.
For me, it was all about making a final irrevocable decision never to drink again.
Many people find that difficult but for me it was the key, accepting that for me, one sip was too much and that was NEVER going to change.
After that it was all about execution.
It took me a while to realise and accept emotionally that I could not drink. I KNEW it, but to accept it took a while. But once I did, it is like kicking my dog or hitting my kids -- I will never do it.
For each person, the way out is different but there is a path for you. I knew what it was long before I was willing to take the journey.
Go ahead, we are here to help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 27
Thanks for the advice...I'm going to get back into the routine of keeping dry at the very front of my brain. I'm so exhausted. Doing the same thing over and over and over...always convinced that THIS time will be different. I won't ever understand how I can be some determined one minute, and the very next I have a drink...poof any concern out the window...
As far as the 90 before, I kind of just white knuckled it I guess. I read a lot and joined quite a few online meetings and support groups. I actively tried to make sure that i not drinking was my number one priority. It was so hard at first, but then I guess it just kind of slipped away and stopped craving nearly as often. Then just one day, out of the blue, no real though about it, I just bought a 6 pack. I honestly didn't enjoy it at all, I think I maybe had 1 beer...but my brain told me to keep trying...and so I did...and now I'm back here, in the awful hole again...so this is about my 1000 day 1s. I just feel utterly ashamed and hopeless...I'm not a dumb guy, I know exactly what I'm doing to myself, but I can stop doing it...its like a crave this misery and then feel suprised when that's exactly what I get. 💀
Hope you all are having a better day than I. See ya around.
As far as the 90 before, I kind of just white knuckled it I guess. I read a lot and joined quite a few online meetings and support groups. I actively tried to make sure that i not drinking was my number one priority. It was so hard at first, but then I guess it just kind of slipped away and stopped craving nearly as often. Then just one day, out of the blue, no real though about it, I just bought a 6 pack. I honestly didn't enjoy it at all, I think I maybe had 1 beer...but my brain told me to keep trying...and so I did...and now I'm back here, in the awful hole again...so this is about my 1000 day 1s. I just feel utterly ashamed and hopeless...I'm not a dumb guy, I know exactly what I'm doing to myself, but I can stop doing it...its like a crave this misery and then feel suprised when that's exactly what I get. 💀
Hope you all are having a better day than I. See ya around.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,160
Welcome back stuck
We don't just randomly drink. It is a conscious decision. A very bad one.
Stick around and let's not make that bad decision together.
There is a better life. You just have to want it more than you want the misery.
We don't just randomly drink. It is a conscious decision. A very bad one.
Stick around and let's not make that bad decision together.
There is a better life. You just have to want it more than you want the misery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
I gotta disagree with Fish, I know the feeling that SOR is referring to -- its kind of auto pilot of the addicted brain.
NOT saying one cannot stop it, one can and ones does, but it is a weird thing.
You got this, make Easter a real rebirth this year!
NOT saying one cannot stop it, one can and ones does, but it is a weird thing.
You got this, make Easter a real rebirth this year!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Addiction is powerful. Alcoholism can take center stage and consume our entire lives. Its good you have recognized what is happening and you want to do something about it.
Structure saved my life. Each hour was filled with activities that did not involve alcohol.
Stuck on repeat......You dont have to stay stuck on repeat. You can do this. One moment, hour, day at a time.
Structure saved my life. Each hour was filled with activities that did not involve alcohol.
Stuck on repeat......You dont have to stay stuck on repeat. You can do this. One moment, hour, day at a time.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Good to have you back with us, SOR.
I nodded the whole time reading your post. It was the morning & then day long drinking that turned my life into chaos. In my heart I knew it wasn't sustainable - but it was such a struggle to admit I had to let go of it. I was terrified to face things without my 'friend'. This is what's so hard to explain to people who aren't addicted. 'Why not just stop at one or two?' they ask. It's impossible for others to really understand what we go through. That's why SR is so valuable & comforting. We all get what you're going through. Keep posting - you can get free!
I nodded the whole time reading your post. It was the morning & then day long drinking that turned my life into chaos. In my heart I knew it wasn't sustainable - but it was such a struggle to admit I had to let go of it. I was terrified to face things without my 'friend'. This is what's so hard to explain to people who aren't addicted. 'Why not just stop at one or two?' they ask. It's impossible for others to really understand what we go through. That's why SR is so valuable & comforting. We all get what you're going through. Keep posting - you can get free!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 27
My anxiety is through the roof right now. I'll be leaving work in about 4 hours and my heart starts racing and I near lose my breath everytime I think of it. I know for sure with lout a shadow of a doubt that drinking will make me feel worse...but all I keep thinking about is how to get home with getting so beers. For awhile now in been buying a twelve pack on the way home and drinking about half on the drive home...how I haven't been arrested or hurt someone...but I don't want to drink, right now at this moment it seems like the worst possible thing I can do...I'm just not sure what to do when the wheels start moving and I have selected amnesia as I'm passing one of the 20 or so places that will sell me booze...no which was I drive, I'll pass buy store after store where I know I can run in and have a cold beer in a cup in less than 5 minutes...I'm literally sitting damn near hyperventilating thinking about it...
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by StuckOnRepeat 
Thanks for the advice...I'm going to get back into the routine of keeping dry at the very front of my brain. I'm so exhausted. Doing the same thing over and over and over...always convinced that THIS time will be different. I won't ever understand how I can be some determined one minute, and the very next I have a drink...poof any concern out the window...
As far as the 90 before, I kind of just white knuckled it I guess. I read a lot and joined quite a few online meetings and support groups. I actively tried to make sure that i not drinking was my number one priority. It was so hard at first, but then I guess it just kind of slipped away and stopped craving nearly as often. Then just one day, out of the blue, no real though about it, I just bought a 6 pack. I honestly didn't enjoy it at all, I think I maybe had 1 beer...but my brain told me to keep trying...and so I did...and now I'm back here, in the awful hole again...so this is about my 1000 day 1s. I just feel utterly ashamed and hopeless...I'm not a dumb guy, I know exactly what I'm doing to myself, but I can stop doing it...its like a crave this misery and then feel suprised when that's exactly what I get. 💀
Hope you all are having a better day than I. See ya around.
As far as the 90 before, I kind of just white knuckled it I guess. I read a lot and joined quite a few online meetings and support groups. I actively tried to make sure that i not drinking was my number one priority. It was so hard at first, but then I guess it just kind of slipped away and stopped craving nearly as often. Then just one day, out of the blue, no real though about it, I just bought a 6 pack. I honestly didn't enjoy it at all, I think I maybe had 1 beer...but my brain told me to keep trying...and so I did...and now I'm back here, in the awful hole again...so this is about my 1000 day 1s. I just feel utterly ashamed and hopeless...I'm not a dumb guy, I know exactly what I'm doing to myself, but I can stop doing it...its like a crave this misery and then feel suprised when that's exactly what I get. 💀
Hope you all are having a better day than I. See ya around.
So rather than trying to do the same thing over and over just sans alcohol, why not make a plan to do something different? Instead of trying to "not drink" - focus on getting better and finding new ways to live your life. For most of us, our drinking is an attempt to escape something else.....pain, sorrow, difficult decisions, etc. One of the hardest parts about getting sober is realizing that you do indeed need to face these things, and that it will be hard. Many of us ( me included ) looked for other ways to escape - different drugs, or other pleasure based activities like gambling, pornography, you name it. Bottom line we ( addicts ) seek instant gratification. Life does not work that way though unfortunately, just as there is no magic hangover cure there is no magic addiction cure either. Having said that, facing the problems in life head on DOES lead to lasting satisfaction that you can never find in a bottle or a pill.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 27
I just don't know what to do...I can't see myself quiting this time without some seriously intense intervention...If I could, I would pack up right now and head to the longest rehab I could find, 90 days, 120, hell I don't know...but...I can't, not an option. I'm the sole bread winner for a family of 5, 3 under the age of 7...one with serious mental disabilities...one under a year old...one doing her best to live a normal life in our so not normal world...a wife that is barely holding it together...day by day...its just...I dunno. I'm so stuck and can't help myself without totally damaging everything else...stuck...just stuck...self pity, I know...not looking for pity or sympathy, my own personal hell was crafted just for me, by me...totally aware of that...I just don't know how to crawl out, when just the idea of something like a treatment facility would bring our whole world crashing down...Im not certain, but I don't think the mortgage or light company would cut me a break because I've **** up and my life is spiraling out of control...at this point I feel like my best bet is to just try my best to stay just above the drowning point...maybe I can...probably I can't.../shrug....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
You can make a different decision in regards to drinking. It does require a lot of determination and a ton of effort. You think you may not have it in you but you do. You have it in you to change. If you are able to provide food, shelter and love to your family then you are able to provide for yourself as well. Give yourself a chance to make a difference in your life.
You do know what to do and you can do it.
If I can get sober then you can get sober. YOU CAN!
You do know what to do and you can do it.
If I can get sober then you can get sober. YOU CAN!
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