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At the end of my rope...

Old 03-21-2021, 12:51 PM
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At the end of my rope...

Iím not going to drink. Iíve been sober almost 2 years, but Iím not going to drink.

But my mental health is taking a beating. Iíve been diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety. Iíve been trying different meds but what Iím taking right now isnít helping much. Iím 5 months post partum.

Iím lined up to see a social worker next month for therapy. Iím trying my best to sort myself out.

But things are tough at home. I feel like a pariah within my own family. I feel like my wife and kids are wary of me and are exhausted by my issues. I donít really have any friends to talk to about my feelings....after I stopped drinking I had to let many of them go.

I just feel so isolated and alone. I just need someone.

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Old 03-21-2021, 01:20 PM
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Those first many months of baby can be rough. Hang in there.
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Old 03-21-2021, 01:30 PM
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You know you have friends here Iove.....we care about you. s
It sounds Iike you reaIIy are doing everything you can to heIp yourseIf here ~ you just need some Iove and support.

We are here for you xx ❤️
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Old 03-21-2021, 04:06 PM
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I hope you get to a better place mentally soon.
Feeling all alone is not good.
The good news is you are not alone. You have a family and you have us.
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Old 03-21-2021, 07:35 PM
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I know that it does not seem like you will get better but you will. It is so good you have an appointment to see a specialist who can help you. You are not alone. This forum, your family and friends are here for you. Your thoughts are not the truth. They are thoughts and they can be changed. Stay close.
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Old 03-21-2021, 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by shortstop81 View Post
Iíve been diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety.

. . .

Iím lined up to see a social worker next month for therapy. Iím trying my best to sort myself out.

. . .

I just feel so isolated and alone. I just need someone.
It's great that you're able to reach out for help.

No one knows what depression is like until they get there. I sometimes thought of it as being buried alive and not caring about it. Until the many times I caught myself weeping.

I was in psychotherapy for about a year before I started taking meds. I was making no progress, and my world was getting smaller. The combination has worked well for me.

I was sober for twenty-one years back then. My father was dying at the time. I suffered another traumatic loss at around the same time. There were a few very good people who helped me through my personal nightmare. I was very fortunate.

I drank again for three years starting in 2008. I haven't had an episode of major depression for about ten years. I needed to do some things differently. I made some important changes in my life.

I took a look at my long-held beliefs and perceptions. I expanded my education and experience within my field of work so that I could work at something that challenged me. (Be careful what you wish for. )

The best part about working through the worst parts is that the effort brings you to a better place.





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Old 03-22-2021, 06:13 AM
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Thanks everyone. I need to reach out to some old, SAFE friends. I need to reconnect to people. For some reason it feels so hard. I need new friends. I need people to talk to, OTHER than my spouse.

I miss work. I felt like I was actually GOOD at something, and I got to see and speak to other people. Thankfully I go back after maternity leave in September.

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Old 03-22-2021, 06:21 AM
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Reconnecting and talking really does help, and I bet getting back to work will be a good thing. I fell into the same hole and self isolation, getting stuck in my own head was the worst. My serious issues started not long after I quit drinking but did not seek professional help until about a year and a half into getting sober. Finding a counselor that I could trust and get along with was part of the battle too, I wish you luck in finding one. I tried some meds too and none of them really seemed to help much, learning how to address the core issues really did though. Meditation and mindfulness helped me, even just learning about them. Taking walks, cutting a lot of sugar and caffeine out of my diet also seemed to help. My mental health and GI health were always very connected, and neglecting either seemed to bleed over.

I hope you can trust this community as place to share, keep in mind there is also a mental health forum, I have spend some time over there myself.
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Old 03-23-2021, 09:46 AM
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Thanks Scott, a lot of what you said resonated with me and sounds similar.

I naively thought that once I got sober that everything would simply fall into place. And things kind of did....externally everything in my life looks great. Remarried, bought a new house, got a great promotion at work, had a new baby....

But inside Iím just an absolute mess. I need people yet Iím scared of everyone right now. Nothing feels safe.

I have a doc appt next week and therapist starting next month. Hopefully life can stay calm until I get those supports going.
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Old 03-23-2021, 11:08 AM
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You are not alone . I dealt with post-partum issues, which unfortunately for me meant including alcohol. I'm glad you aren't taking that route. Going back to work will help. The world you're in with a new born is a very different reality than the norm. It will not last forever.
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Old 03-24-2021, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by shortstop81 View Post
I naively thought that once I got sober that everything would simply fall into place. And things kind of did....externally everything in my life looks great. Remarried, bought a new house, got a great promotion at work, had a new baby....

But inside Iím just an absolute mess. I need people yet Iím scared of everyone right now. Nothing feels safe.

I have a doc appt next week and therapist starting next month. Hopefully life can stay calm until I get those supports going.
I thought the exact same thing - that quitting drinking would be the solution, and like you some things did improve pretty dramatically early on - especially my physical health and work motivation. But of course it only uncovers all those things we tried to hide from with our drinking.

Another thing I learned along the way as it relates to Anxiety is that there's no boilerplate solution there either. When I first started going to counseling I desperately wanted my counselor to give me a list of things to do that would "cure" my anxiety. Some book I could read, some method I could practice, etc - but in the end it's really all about learning about yourself. Self-awareness played a huge part for me - especially in regards to some of the panic and social anxiety situations, this is where mindfulness came in. For example, I used to have panic episodes completely out of the blue - standing in line at the grocery store, sitting at a stoplight, waiting for a meeting to start, where I just feel this irrational sense of impending doom and knew I had to leave that spot immediately. I left carts full of groceries in the checkout more than one time and cancelled work meetings with some other excuse. Over time, I was able to become self-aware and see these episodes for what they really are - just my normal anxiety reaction working in super-overdrive mode. If you can be aware of what they are before they start, you know that you aren't going to die for one thing, and that it will pass. After enough times, you can learn to avoid them completely if you know they are coming and calm yourself before it gets too bad. That's just one example, and I think a therapist might call that CBT too - but whatever it was it worked for me.

Just talking to someone helped me too - I am glad you are here sharing and I can very tangibly feel how awful you must be feeling at times and I do truly hope you can find a solution.
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Old 03-26-2021, 09:42 AM
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I hear you on the anxiety Scott. I once got off a plane that had been delayed for maintenance and which put us into really bad weather out of Denver - I was convinced it was going to crash, haha.

It was at the height of my corporate pressure cooker job - drinking - anxiety thing.. I quit and did a major life reset shortly after that.

Congrats on two years Shortstop, hope you can work it out. Do whatever you need to do.
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