Nojack

I fell in love with a guy I new since childhood. 25 years later we reconnected and I thought he was the one. At 39 I never lived with a guy or married and he came in like a knight who became a nightmare. He lived in Maryland our hometown (and opened a restaurant which now because of covid it’s not doing so well but I think this also has to do with his severe drinking)and me in LA. I got caught up with this romance, he said everything I wanted to hear and ended up uprooting my life to join him. He was opening the restaurant at the time and going through a divorce but I thought love wins over all. I knew he drank but I did too. I didn’t think it was a big deal but it became a huge problem. His employees were really nasty to me and he never defended me and I felt so alone in the relationship that I started drinking a lot because it seemed like it was all he wanted to do was drink. So I joined him. The fights over his terrible business choices and lack of common sense were ruthless. I lost my mind because he would neglect me often and I felt like I was begging him to love me. I moved all this way for him and I believed in him and us but the deeper I got in a gave all of me and I would lash out at him while drunk sometimes violently because I was in a world of pain. He didn’t step back and go man what can I do to help this and show up for me like I did for him but he blamed me for everything. I stopped drinking and went to therapy hell bent on saving the relationship. I tired to get him help and get us help but he refused and would gaslight me and manipulate me regularly. I questioned my sanity and after one night of him wasted and debasing me in front of his employees I was done. He didn’t chase me or say he’d get help. I stopped drinking I was trying so hard but he decided before we were even officially broken up he moved in a sex worker divisive woman, who he gave keys to his business and who knew all about me but didn’t care and she just loved to take my place and he allowed it. I was devastated. I left with no money now at 41 living with my parents and feeling like a failure with 500 in my bank account. It’s been 5 months and now he’s gotten no help and still drinking with a new girlfriend who I’m sure he made me out to be a monster. It was a horribly toxic relationship and I’ve accepted that it’s over but what I want to know is why am I still so gutted over it. I left 6 months ago and it’s clearing away more and more but I still feel gutted sometimes. I have to rebuild my life again without him and I’m still in Maryland in my small hometown and people tell me updates on him which I told them to please not do that because it’s hurtful he refused to face himself and his demons and decided to keep drinking. I know he’s an alcoholic but he’s also extremely narcissistic I feel lied to and duped. I’m still just trying now to find my place. I moved into a house owned by my family and rebuilding myself slowly but it still hurts. I feel like he moved on with this woman with no regard for all I sacrificed. He didn’t even give me a phone call when we broke up and we were supposed to be lmarried last September. He did a lot of bad stuff emotionally he even wrote my family telling them I was a cocaine addict and I was the abuser and I’m mentally ill all because he wanted a watch back I thought he gave me. I’m sorry so long I just feel super confused and I’m not even a codependent person. I am not perfect I made mistakes and I’m just trying to take it as a lesson. I went to al anon and read the book and it all makes sense but it’s like I can’t even have a closure conversation with him and I still have this sad hope he’d stop drinking, get clarity and tell me how sorry he was but I know I can’t wait for that and that I just have to move on. Why when leaving an alcoholic narcissist is it so damn hard to move on?

Rockbottom1964

Hi, Nojack. 41 isn't old at all; you still have half - or more - of your life ahead of you. PLENTY of time to start over and make a huge success of whatever you choose to do. The good thing here is that you saw the writing on the wall and left now, and not in ten years' time, and that is something to be truly grateful for.
I have this sneaking suspicion he'll try to get you back once he realizes what he had - and when his business finally folds - which it sounds like it might happen any day. I hope that, by then, you are well on your way on the road to your better/new life, and laugh in his face.
In the meantime, visit SR often, and the best of luck to you.

Dropsie

What Rock said. He sounds like trouble on any number or levels, narcissistic, sociopath, a bit of both. I am sure you know this, but you dodged a bullet and stopped drinking too, double blessing.
Sounds like one of the things you feel bad about is being back with your parents. You don't say your relationship with them, but my brother lived with my mom from about 30-50 when she died. She loved having him and being able to help him and he her.
Not suggesting you should make this a permanent solution, but there could be another blessing in there somewhere.
Main thing is to realise it is him, not you. Dont blame yourself, forgive yourself, and you will meet someone worthy.
X

Mizz

You probably had a lot of hope for a future with this person and are now blindsided by the reality of what life really was like with him. Getting sober was a godsend for you. Think about how much of a mess you would be in if you continued on in the relationship with this person?

You don't deserve to be mistreated by him, his employees or anyone. You don't deserve to mistreat yourself. Now is the time for a lot of self love, self care and building on all of the positives in your life.

Its a blessing you have family with you. Its a blessing your family has a home for you to live in. There are many blessings for you. One GIANT blessing is that you are no longer in an abusive relationship. You deserve so much more for yourself. Close the door and keep walking forward. Build a life you are proud of. You deserve it.