Down and almost out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 36
Down and almost out
That’s how it feels. My mind and my body are shot and it’s impossible to see things getting any better. I put my kids to bed tonight and I must have spent an hour with each of them after they had fallen asleep, just staring at their peaceful, innocent little faces.
Why? Because I don’t know how many more times I’ll do that. My wife keeps talking about plans once we’re out of lockdown; where we’re going to go, who we’re going to see. But it’s weird, in my mind I simply cannot see beyond the next four or five weeks. As I sit here tonight, I don’t expect to be alive beyond that point.
The concept of taking my own life has been in my head, with varying degrees of prominence, for about 18 months now. But it now feels very real. To the point of having everything I would need, knowing what I would do.
I know I’d be walking away from so much. I have two beautiful children, a fantastic wife. My career is flying and I have never been wealthier in my life. And yet here I am, at the depths of despair, and the end of my tether.
For the past two years, I think, I now believe I have been suffering with major depression, anxiety, alcoholism and anorexia (I could speak at length about that one) - none of those things mutually exclusive. I feel embarrassed saying that as a married father of two, but that’s where I am. The pain of grappling with alcoholism at the same time as a restrictive eating disorder has been exhausting.
Drink is killing me. Killing myself feels like the only way of taking back control.
Logically I know I have so much going for me, but I cannot bare life with drink in it and I feel like I cannot bare life without drink. I can go little more than a day or two without cracking - either the withdrawal is too crippling, or my willpower is too weak.
This is my last roll of the dice. I know that if I am to see out the next few weeks, I have to quit drinking. And yet there’s loud voice in my head telling me that I just don’t want to. That I can’t. It’s deafening.
Please, any advice would mean the world. How do I get through the next 24 hours dry? The next 48? How can I soften the hammer blow of anxiety, discomfort, insomnia and physical pain that comes with stopping to at least give myself a fighting chance?
I’ve posted on here too many times, for too long, to absolutely no avail. I’m at least posting sober tonight, that’s something. But time is running out for me, I fear.
Pray for my kids.
Why? Because I don’t know how many more times I’ll do that. My wife keeps talking about plans once we’re out of lockdown; where we’re going to go, who we’re going to see. But it’s weird, in my mind I simply cannot see beyond the next four or five weeks. As I sit here tonight, I don’t expect to be alive beyond that point.
The concept of taking my own life has been in my head, with varying degrees of prominence, for about 18 months now. But it now feels very real. To the point of having everything I would need, knowing what I would do.
I know I’d be walking away from so much. I have two beautiful children, a fantastic wife. My career is flying and I have never been wealthier in my life. And yet here I am, at the depths of despair, and the end of my tether.
For the past two years, I think, I now believe I have been suffering with major depression, anxiety, alcoholism and anorexia (I could speak at length about that one) - none of those things mutually exclusive. I feel embarrassed saying that as a married father of two, but that’s where I am. The pain of grappling with alcoholism at the same time as a restrictive eating disorder has been exhausting.
Drink is killing me. Killing myself feels like the only way of taking back control.
Logically I know I have so much going for me, but I cannot bare life with drink in it and I feel like I cannot bare life without drink. I can go little more than a day or two without cracking - either the withdrawal is too crippling, or my willpower is too weak.
This is my last roll of the dice. I know that if I am to see out the next few weeks, I have to quit drinking. And yet there’s loud voice in my head telling me that I just don’t want to. That I can’t. It’s deafening.
Please, any advice would mean the world. How do I get through the next 24 hours dry? The next 48? How can I soften the hammer blow of anxiety, discomfort, insomnia and physical pain that comes with stopping to at least give myself a fighting chance?
I’ve posted on here too many times, for too long, to absolutely no avail. I’m at least posting sober tonight, that’s something. But time is running out for me, I fear.
Pray for my kids.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,282
When I was going through this I didn't realise just how incredibly selfish and cruel and downright stupid I was. What I really needed to do was to seek professional help, forget about my ego and think about how to sanely care for myself and my loved ones. For some reason I'd been falling through the cracks for much of my adult life, somehow managing to convince people I know best. After therapy, rehab and some acceptance I needed help I was able to see how warped my thinking had become. You're in the right place here. It's good start. Think about going to the doctor for some meds. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,537
JPA I couldn't read this without commenting. I could have written much of your post. I don't have experience with the eating disorder part but everything else.
Have you reached out for in-person help with these problems?
I have had thoughts of suicide for years off and on. I figured it was normal it went on so long. The only thing stopping me many times was my kids, I couldn't bear to think of them growing up and blaming themselves. I had to take that 'option' off the table.
I am addressing my drinking issues here. It's not perfect. But I am learning some tools. I am trying to stay focused on things I am grateful for like my wife and kids, my career, my health, net worth, nice home, ... really anything I can think of. I try to use some deep breathing for a while when cravings hit. Sticking around here and reading old threads has been very helpful for me.
Just wanted you to know I feel your pain. I think you can get through this.
Have you reached out for in-person help with these problems?
I have had thoughts of suicide for years off and on. I figured it was normal it went on so long. The only thing stopping me many times was my kids, I couldn't bear to think of them growing up and blaming themselves. I had to take that 'option' off the table.
I am addressing my drinking issues here. It's not perfect. But I am learning some tools. I am trying to stay focused on things I am grateful for like my wife and kids, my career, my health, net worth, nice home, ... really anything I can think of. I try to use some deep breathing for a while when cravings hit. Sticking around here and reading old threads has been very helpful for me.
Just wanted you to know I feel your pain. I think you can get through this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
JPA,
That is the depression talking. I have been there, along with crippling anxiety. All at once in my40s out of no where after my second child was born, I cannot even think about it without wanting to cry and starting to feel what it felt like.
I also considered a lot of things, but for me suicide was quite simply not an option. For me, and I only speak for me, that option went off the table when I had children.
I stopped drinking because I could hardly see the point. The depression did not get better with sobriety, but I knew the meds would not work if I drank.
I remember wishing it was cancer because that I would know how to fight, but this....
There was a lot of therapy and medication and I did get better. And I did stop drinking, for good, for real. And those days seem like they happened to someone else.
But I know it was me.
Please get help so you can get better. You may not think it now, but you are so worth it.
That is the depression talking. I have been there, along with crippling anxiety. All at once in my40s out of no where after my second child was born, I cannot even think about it without wanting to cry and starting to feel what it felt like.
I also considered a lot of things, but for me suicide was quite simply not an option. For me, and I only speak for me, that option went off the table when I had children.
I stopped drinking because I could hardly see the point. The depression did not get better with sobriety, but I knew the meds would not work if I drank.
I remember wishing it was cancer because that I would know how to fight, but this....
There was a lot of therapy and medication and I did get better. And I did stop drinking, for good, for real. And those days seem like they happened to someone else.
But I know it was me.
Please get help so you can get better. You may not think it now, but you are so worth it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Hi, JPA. It sounds to me, friend, as if you have everything in the world to live for, so I really don't understand how you can even contemplate taking your own life; suicide is such a trite little term, is it not? "He committed suicide...." Wow. Why not just - "he blew his f****** brains out? or he died screaming because he drank poison? or.......
I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, pal, but that's my intention. To the tee. My little brother hung himself with a nylon rope 16 years ago, and do you know what? - he had chafing marks and blisters on his palms from trying to climb that very same rope when he realized what he had done. But it was too LATE. He left behind a three-year-old son and three-month-old daughter, and a wife who loved him very much. I still think about all the things I never said to him - like I love you little brother, and the times I was ugly to him, and all the times I could have or should have helped, but didn't. And not a day passes that I don't wish he was still here. But he is not. Most of all, though, I'm still ANGRY. With myself, but also at him.
So, tonight, when you look at that wonderful child of yours, maybe get into bed with him or her, and hug them for an hour instead of just looking, then go do the same with your wife, and be forever grateful for what you have.
"Gratitude" is a term I scoffed at just a year ago, and it has made a LOT of difference in my life. Perhaps that is something you should try? Perhaps "Stop and Smell the Roses", instead of sitting in a little puddle and feeling sorry for yourself? YOU, who, in your own words - never had it better? If anybody should have "committed suicide" in the last couple of years, it should have been me - go read my first few dozen Posts/Threads, and then see how very, very lucky you are.
Lastly - killing yourself takes guts, JPA, but it is probably the most cowardly thing you or any person can do. "You're leaving behind all of your heartaches and troubles and s*** ? Sure you are, but have you thought about who you leave them with? Your wonderful wife, children, family and friends - that's who.
I've only said a fraction of what I really want to and really put it mildly, compared to what I really want to absolutely SCREAM at you. I think you are a very selfish person, man. I honestly do. And I'm not the only one on SR thinking that, I'm sure.
Good luck, JPA. I hope you get your priorities straightened out.
I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, pal, but that's my intention. To the tee. My little brother hung himself with a nylon rope 16 years ago, and do you know what? - he had chafing marks and blisters on his palms from trying to climb that very same rope when he realized what he had done. But it was too LATE. He left behind a three-year-old son and three-month-old daughter, and a wife who loved him very much. I still think about all the things I never said to him - like I love you little brother, and the times I was ugly to him, and all the times I could have or should have helped, but didn't. And not a day passes that I don't wish he was still here. But he is not. Most of all, though, I'm still ANGRY. With myself, but also at him.
So, tonight, when you look at that wonderful child of yours, maybe get into bed with him or her, and hug them for an hour instead of just looking, then go do the same with your wife, and be forever grateful for what you have.
"Gratitude" is a term I scoffed at just a year ago, and it has made a LOT of difference in my life. Perhaps that is something you should try? Perhaps "Stop and Smell the Roses", instead of sitting in a little puddle and feeling sorry for yourself? YOU, who, in your own words - never had it better? If anybody should have "committed suicide" in the last couple of years, it should have been me - go read my first few dozen Posts/Threads, and then see how very, very lucky you are.
Lastly - killing yourself takes guts, JPA, but it is probably the most cowardly thing you or any person can do. "You're leaving behind all of your heartaches and troubles and s*** ? Sure you are, but have you thought about who you leave them with? Your wonderful wife, children, family and friends - that's who.
I've only said a fraction of what I really want to and really put it mildly, compared to what I really want to absolutely SCREAM at you. I think you are a very selfish person, man. I honestly do. And I'm not the only one on SR thinking that, I'm sure.
Good luck, JPA. I hope you get your priorities straightened out.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by JPA 
Thank you everyone for your kind words. No drink today, I can't do anymore than that. I'll just have to do the same tomorrow.
I'll keep checking in.
I'll keep checking in.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
As a father and someone who has been through the darkness I wanted to write to say you owe it to your children to quit drinking and sort your head out. I know you know this and I am not laying more guilt ontop of the pain you already feel. However you can get through the depths of where you are right now - but you can only do it by putting down the drink for once and for all. Have you ever looked at Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life? I was close to being where you are right now when I quit drinking for good, almost 3 years ago. That book, and this website, helped me finally reclaim my life for my self, my wife and, most importantly, for my children.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Originally Posted by Rockbottom1964
Hi, JPA. It sounds to me, friend, as if you have everything in the world to live for, so I really don't understand how you can even contemplate taking your own life; suicide is such a trite little term, is it not? "He committed suicide...." Wow. Why not just - "he blew his f****** brains out? or he died screaming because he drank poison? or.......
I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, pal, but that's my intention. To the tee. My little brother hung himself with a nylon rope 16 years ago, and do you know what? - he had chafing marks and blisters on his palms from trying to climb that very same rope when he realized what he had done. But it was too LATE. He left behind a three-year-old son and three-month-old daughter, and a wife who loved him very much. I still think about all the things I never said to him - like I love you little brother, and the times I was ugly to him, and all the times I could have or should have helped, but didn't. And not a day passes that I don't wish he was still here. But he is not. Most of all, though, I'm still ANGRY. With myself, but also at him.
So, tonight, when you look at that wonderful child of yours, maybe get into bed with him or her, and hug them for an hour instead of just looking, then go do the same with your wife, and be forever grateful for what you have.
"Gratitude" is a term I scoffed at just a year ago, and it has made a LOT of difference in my life. Perhaps that is something you should try? Perhaps "Stop and Smell the Roses", instead of sitting in a little puddle and feeling sorry for yourself? YOU, who, in your own words - never had it better? If anybody should have "committed suicide" in the last couple of years, it should have been me - go read my first few dozen Posts/Threads, and then see how very, very lucky you are.
Lastly - killing yourself takes guts, JPA, but it is probably the most cowardly thing you or any person can do. "You're leaving behind all of your heartaches and troubles and s*** ? Sure you are, but have you thought about who you leave them with? Your wonderful wife, children, family and friends - that's who.
I've only said a fraction of what I really want to and really put it mildly, compared to what I really want to absolutely SCREAM at you. I think you are a very selfish person, man. I honestly do. And I'm not the only one on SR thinking that, I'm sure.
Good luck, JPA. I hope you get your priorities straightened out.
I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, pal, but that's my intention. To the tee. My little brother hung himself with a nylon rope 16 years ago, and do you know what? - he had chafing marks and blisters on his palms from trying to climb that very same rope when he realized what he had done. But it was too LATE. He left behind a three-year-old son and three-month-old daughter, and a wife who loved him very much. I still think about all the things I never said to him - like I love you little brother, and the times I was ugly to him, and all the times I could have or should have helped, but didn't. And not a day passes that I don't wish he was still here. But he is not. Most of all, though, I'm still ANGRY. With myself, but also at him.
So, tonight, when you look at that wonderful child of yours, maybe get into bed with him or her, and hug them for an hour instead of just looking, then go do the same with your wife, and be forever grateful for what you have.
"Gratitude" is a term I scoffed at just a year ago, and it has made a LOT of difference in my life. Perhaps that is something you should try? Perhaps "Stop and Smell the Roses", instead of sitting in a little puddle and feeling sorry for yourself? YOU, who, in your own words - never had it better? If anybody should have "committed suicide" in the last couple of years, it should have been me - go read my first few dozen Posts/Threads, and then see how very, very lucky you are.
Lastly - killing yourself takes guts, JPA, but it is probably the most cowardly thing you or any person can do. "You're leaving behind all of your heartaches and troubles and s*** ? Sure you are, but have you thought about who you leave them with? Your wonderful wife, children, family and friends - that's who.
I've only said a fraction of what I really want to and really put it mildly, compared to what I really want to absolutely SCREAM at you. I think you are a very selfish person, man. I honestly do. And I'm not the only one on SR thinking that, I'm sure.
Good luck, JPA. I hope you get your priorities straightened out.
JPA, hope you're doing better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Originally Posted by Briansy
That's absolutely heartbreaking mate. But from where you were then to where you are now, that's a different level of resolve. Very impressive. I know this post was harsh, but it's powerful and I think is food for thought for any of us who are wallowing a bit. I know I can do it with the best of them.
JPA, hope you're doing better.
JPA, hope you're doing better.
And I'll bet everything I still have left, that he's thought about doing it with pills and booze - the easy way out.
Harsh, again, I know it, but I think he should wake up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Rock,
You know I love you man, but reading your posts makes it seem to me like you have never been truly deeply clinically depressed, and that you are still furious with your brother, both of which I get, totally.
But as someone who has been truly deeply clinically depressed, its so not about poor me.
JPA, I really hope you are looking for solutions, because there are solutions, there really are. Including locking yourself up just so you cannot hurt yourself, which is what I would have done if things had gotten worse.
Peace and love all.
You know I love you man, but reading your posts makes it seem to me like you have never been truly deeply clinically depressed, and that you are still furious with your brother, both of which I get, totally.
But as someone who has been truly deeply clinically depressed, its so not about poor me.
JPA, I really hope you are looking for solutions, because there are solutions, there really are. Including locking yourself up just so you cannot hurt yourself, which is what I would have done if things had gotten worse.
Peace and love all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Originally Posted by Rockbottom1964
My little brother hung himself with a nylon rope 16 years ago, and do you know what? - he had chafing marks and blisters on his palms from trying to climb that very same rope when he realized what he had done. But it was too LATE.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Originally Posted by Dropsie
Rock,
You know I love you man, but reading your posts makes it seem to me like you have never been truly deeply clinically depressed, and that you are still furious with your brother, both of which I get, totally.
But as someone who has been truly deeply clinically depressed, its so not about poor me.
JPA, I really hope you are looking for solutions, because there are solutions, there really are. Including locking yourself up just so you cannot hurt yourself, which is what I would have done if things had gotten worse.
Peace and love all.
You know I love you man, but reading your posts makes it seem to me like you have never been truly deeply clinically depressed, and that you are still furious with your brother, both of which I get, totally.
But as someone who has been truly deeply clinically depressed, its so not about poor me.
JPA, I really hope you are looking for solutions, because there are solutions, there really are. Including locking yourself up just so you cannot hurt yourself, which is what I would have done if things had gotten worse.
Peace and love all.
Perhaps JPA should listen to some of the recordings I make of my alcoholic father and stepmom: a demented old man going off his rocker each and every God-given day of his life, who doesn’t talk, but screams, who can’t complete one sentence without his personal favorite little rhyme “Lord-Jesus-Christ –f******God” (translated from Afrikaans) and whose every third word is f*** and f******, who burbles and spews hate and actually foams at the mouth when he speaks about black people, who lives like a pig, and grunts and groans like one when he eats, and, and...; and a “Stepmom” who gets up at three in the morning to “Watch her Soaps”, so she can start drinking while the old man is still asleep, and be giggling drunk by eight, who is also addicted to pills, takeaways, TV Soaps, and gambling, who does not shower (but pretends to) for weeks, soils herself and pass out on the kitchen floor, and loves creating discord among family members. And, and, and.... I could go on for an hour.
Given a choice, I’ll take the depression any day, and thank God for my life and what I have.
Love to you, and have a great weekend, Dropsie.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Originally Posted by Tatsy
This touched me deeply, RB. At my lowest points when drinking, I've thought about suicide. But then I've also thought about - what IF I decided I didn't want to die, after I'd taken that step to kill myself, what if I reconsidered....but it was too late. May your brother rest in peace and may you find peace, RB.
Love to you, friend, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Originally Posted by Tatsy
This touched me deeply, RB. At my lowest points when drinking, I've thought about suicide. But then I've also thought about - what IF I decided I didn't want to die, after I'd taken that step to kill myself, what if I reconsidered....but it was too late. May your brother rest in peace and may you find peace, RB.
Repeats on the great weekend, Tatsy.
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