The Struggle is real.... real hard

Old 03-11-2021, 10:57 AM
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SaturnRules's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New Haven, CT
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The Struggle is real.... real hard

In August of last year my husband approached me and said he ďchecked outĒ and wanted a divorce. My drinking had amped up because I knew he was cheating on me. He was sick of my drinking and threatened to take my son away from me if I didnít go to reheb.

So after a week of extreme drinking and Xanax, I checked myself in. 28 days and as soon as I got out I went to the package store. Things got messy, and well, without going into detail, my husband now has a court ordered temporary custody. You think this would knock me to my senses. I am in two IOPís and therapy yet I continue to relapse.

I am struggling so bad. I canít digest the AA rhetoric. Although one day at a time resonates. I already know in my head I will drink tonight. And then I get my son this weekend and that right there is a guarantee I WILL be sober. Why is it NOT CLICKING? I feel ashamed, unworthy, unloved. And as a result I put myself in risky situations with people with whom I keep my recovery a secret. And I reach out to these people for validation because my husband does not want me.

This double whammy of going through a divorce and trying to stay sober is damn near impossible and Im scared.

This is more of a rantÖ the struggle is so damn hard and painfull. I canít take it.
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Old 03-11-2021, 12:18 PM
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Hangovers Suck!
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Originally Posted by SaturnRules View Post
I am struggling so bad. I canít digest the AA rhetoric. Although one day at a time resonates.
AA actually triggered me. Maybe it was the group - but it didn't work for me. It works for a lot of people though. You have to figure out for yourself what it takes for you to stay sober and then do it.

I use the "Addictive Voice Recognition" technique. I've learned to recognize my addictive voice and do whatever it takes to beat it back. I'm still learning - so I'm no expert on it. It may be worth looking into for you.

Self talk helps me tremendously. I tell myself the brutal truth - the hangover is gonna suck. The other consequences are gonna suck. I'm gonna eventually die or get real sick if I drink again. Whatever it takes.

Then you gotta take action on the self talk. Little things like going for a walk, taking a nap, eating food, drinking tea and water. Don't discount the power of simplicity. Whatever it takes for you to not take that first drink - do it.

Even posting here is a simple step that can help. Keep giving sobriety a chance and it will eventually stick.

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Old 03-11-2021, 12:43 PM
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AA is not for everyone. There are other programs now, like SMART Recovery or Women For Sobriety.
Check them out online. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth saving!
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Old 03-11-2021, 06:21 PM
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Welcome SaturnRules. Glad you joined us. You are welcome here. I am very sorry to hear of your current situation, but many of us have been there. Ultimately (and you know this), drinking won't help matters. However, I have seen miracles happen when people come here and start reading and posting. Sharing their pain and struggles, letting it out and taking advice. The next thing you know they have a week, then two, then a month and so it goes.

I spent some time in AA but it was not for me either, some get on well with it some don't. The best support I got was right here at SR. I joined a class and we did it together. There is also Rational Recovery and SMART recovery, both based on AVRT - learning to recognize the AV (Addictive Voice) and shut it down.

Take a look around, post some more, and I hope you stick around and let the miracle happen.

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Old 03-11-2021, 11:01 PM
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There are other programmes besides AA if you've had problems with that method. (Recovery Programs and Resources Information)

looks like you've been dealing with this for a long time.
Fortunately it's never too late to turn things around and start a chapter two
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Old 03-12-2021, 12:54 AM
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I can empathise with so much of what you have said. That endless cycle of drinking because things are bad and making bad things worse because you are drinking. Searching for that quick fix to make everything better, via validation, intoxication, or any kind of distraction/oblivion that gives some relief - except it doesn't. It always gets worse unless we stop.

People use us when we are vulnerable and toss us aside like rubbish when we have fulfilled their need. It hurts so we drink, it happens again. Yet another destructive cycle.

Healing can't be instant, much as we want it to be. It is going to take time, you no longer trust yourself or anyone. Your husband let you down badly, mine did too, then turned his quilt onto me. A huge betrayal. The wounds will slowly heal if you let them. Don't pick at the scabs there is nothing to be gained.

Try and put all your energies into getting sober for your son. Be the Mum you want to be, the rewards will be limitless.

Keep posting, grab the support here with both hands.

I know you can do it.
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Old 03-12-2021, 01:29 AM
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PS too late to edit.

Imagine a life without guilt, regret and remorse. A life lived on an even keel without the dramas alcohol brings. It is there for the taking but you have to work for it. Sobriety takes one hundred percent commitment to never drink again. So simple yet so hard but completely achievable to anyone that wants it enough.
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