Surlyredhead

It has been a long time since the thoughts came to me just before I fall asleep. Feelings of guilt for my actions, or inactions while still drinking. The thoughts of regret, thoughts of remorse, sorrow for hurting the ones I love and for hurting myself. They want me to be restless all night, tossing and turning in bed with that sick feeling in my gut. Even causing a tear to roll down my cheek, like my soul trying to escape the pain by leaving my body. It took over 4 years sober before I did not have to get up and stay up, no matter what time it is, just to escape the darkness. I remember, like it was yesterday, all those years ago, when I was awakened in the middle of the night, with the dark thoughts creeping in, trying to break my resolution to stay sober. That night, however, I was able to say through the tears "Thank you God, that I am not that person anymore." and roll over and go back to sleep. Now, as I near 27 years Sober, the thoughts found their way back into my mind these last few days. I know now that prayer will make them recede, that thanking God that I am not that person anymore heals my soul. I know that being aware that the dark thoughts are not my reality today, but my past trying to pull me back, knowing this, is a powerful tool in my recovery. .

I suppose the reason for this thread is to get the message out there of how important it is to be aware of the cunning nature of this disease. Never get so comfortable that you let your guard down, the ending of this message could have been so much worse than a few rough nights.

Cathy

D122y

Any time a 27 year vet wants to offer some free advice I am all ears.

I am more on guard then I was before your post.

I am on day 2 of at least 180 of dealing with a tooth implant process.

Pretty much sucks. It would be impossible if I was a drunk.

Can't take antibiotics and aleve if I am drunk. Pretty much destroys the kidney.

So yay!

Thanks.

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing Surly, a great reminder about the cunning/hidden nature of our condition. Whatever seed got planted inside our minds to make us the way we are is indeed always embedded deep down somewhere, just waiting for the right opportunity to sprout back up if we don't keep doing the things that got us where wer are today..

Anna

Great post, Cathy, thanks.

advbike

Thanks for an insightful and helpful post Cathy. I deal with those thoughts frequently. Your post helped me.

SnazzyDresser

Cunning, baffling, powerful! We'd all do well to remember that this is what we're up against, and it's always a life or death matter. Great post, Surly!