Lpg

Urgh, lately has been such a challenge for me. I want to drink, so badly. Nothing in particular has happened to make me feel like this, or I should say nothing bad has happened. My life is going great, and I know a big part of that is because I no longer drink alcohol.

I just really miss it so much sometimes, and I shouldn't because it gave me a world of pain so why would I miss it? I've had thoughts like this before, missing alcohol but not to the point that I've spoken through my next drink with my partner, who surprisingly and reluctantly said if I was to try drinking again maybe I would be best to wait and try when I go on holiday (hearing that was like a lottery ticket win that it could even be considered) , even although he's outright said he doesn't trust me to drink again. I even baught some low alcohol gin (1.2%) I just have a whole bunch of thoughts about if I have changed as a drinker, or curiosity maybe. Could I be that, 2 drinks is enough type of drinker now? Have I matured since I quit and I would no longer drink to excess?

I phoned a local drug and alcohol center for help on Friday, gave all my info and waiting on support, the lady said its great that I contacted them before making any decisions on drinking again. Offered me a prescription to help with cravings but I declined as I don't know much about them.

Trying hard to get through this period. If so much consideration has to go into returning to alcohol that should be a big enough red flag for me, right? And I know it would be all eyes on me, waiting for me to slip up. Also what do I think alcohol is going to add to my life at this point, when everything is going well!!
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Dee74

Sorry you're struggling lpg

I have never yet heard of a pickle successfully returning to being a cucumber - and I've read a lot of stories here.
Buying low alcohol alcohol? its still alcohol - its still like playing with matches in a fuel dump IMO.

Have you managed to stay off the weed?
I ask cos nothing made me want to drink more than being high, and vice versa

D

Lpg

Still smoking atm which makes me feel crap to say. Just can't seem to get it.

Dee74

Yeah I thought that night be it.
It hits the same centres in the brain.

Why not speak with your doctor about meds if you're interested in that - and maybe explore some online meetings of the recovery method of your choice?

The successful path out of this rut is pretty much dependent on how much effort you want to put in lpg.

Wouldn't it be great to leave addiction behind...finally?
D

aasharon90

If you bought alcohol, no matter what grade it is, alcohol
is alcohol. And alcohol is a poisonous, chemical substance
which alters the mind and body and is toxic for an
alcoholic like those of us who have no control over what
it does to us.

For many of us we have no business buying alcohol. We
can not entertain the thought that maybe one day we will
be able to drink it successfully. Ever. Period.

Maybe some wait for that permission for another to give
us the go ahead and drink so we wont have to take responsibility
for our actions. Maybe if someone else says it okay to take
a small sip we wont feel guilty as much.

In the long run, for an alcoholic to drink would either
mean we will end up drunk again, crazy and the merry
go round of drunken insanity or death.

If we have had some time sober, no matter how much
time without a drink, we will be picking up exactly where
we left off and it will be progressive, fast.

Surrounding ourselves, those of us who can't drink,
with others like us in recovery, who wont give you
permission to drink, will guide you to learning how to
live a happy sober life.

It will take time before it will get better, but we promise
you that it will if you want it bad enough. Surround yourself
with folks who will support you each step of the way.

Through good times or bad.

The longer you move away from your last drink the better,
healthier, stronger you will be down the road. This is your
time to hold tight to your recovery support to guide you,
teach you to learning how to live a continuous sober life
ahead of you.

Lpg

The group I have been in touch with works closely with our medical care doctors, I will follow their advice re meds once I get a chance to speak with them in more detail, if it's going to help its worth exploring. I do want to move past this cycle because its tiring & verging on obsessive, thinking about alcohol so much.

Yes Sharon it's as if I'm looking for permission to go ahead and drink, I also asked my mother and sister too what they thought.

Hopefully I don't wait too long to hear back from the local support group, I think they do meetings too.

doggonecarl

You are climbing the relapse ladder. It looks like you are doing what you can to step off before that happens. It's good that you are telling on your disease. And it good that you are reaching out for support. But while reaching out, don't engage with the disease and continue to fixate on drinking.

Obladi

Lpg,

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. It's hell, isn't it? It's so good that you recognize that the danger signs are flashing red and piercing sirens. All respect to you for reaching out here and for calling your local center and making a commitment to wait on making the decision. It's true that seeking permission to do something that is so dangerous for you is an attempt to relieve yourself of the responsibility for making that decision, but you recognize it! That is absolutely amazing.

I remember being in that place and the immediate and gratifying sheer relief of taking that first drink. And I remember not caring at all what the fallout would be. It's a horrible place to be, because for me I believe it was the execution of a passive death wish. In the moment, I didn't care about that part either. But the last time I drank, I vividly remember where that went. Three days later, I was wondering sort of desperately what happened? And I carried on with drinking because at that point I couldn't see any viable alternative. Eventually (10 or 11 days in) I realized that if I was going to keep living, rehab was the only option. The truth is that once I started drinking, the choice to stop was out of my hands. Which sounds stupid, right? But I wasn't stupid, I was ill in a bad way.

I guess I'm telling you this because it's a form of "playing the tape forward," which is ironic coming from me because that never worked to prevent me from drinking.
But since it's been suggested to me by so many people, I figure it must work for some?

You know what finally did keep me stopped? Finding and addressing those underlying issues that were bubbling in the cauldron underneath the "everything is fine" surface. Those things that were troubling me but I stuffed because, after all, everybody has their struggles. You know, sloughing them off because a "normal" person wouldn't be bothered. Faking it til I could make it. It wasn't easy by a long shot, but being determined to root out why these things were an issue for me and figuring out how to confront or resolve or isolate them (depending) was what finally did the trick. This definitely doesn't seem to be the road most traveled, but it was what I needed to do to make myself well.

Here's my point: I'd like to suggest that you might want to keep asking that question, "Why do I want to drink? What is is going to give me?" Follow it through beyond your surface response to figure out what's underneath that. In "Lean" training, I learned to ask "why" 5 successive times to get to the bottom of a process isn't working. That's kind of what I'm proposing here. Having a good therapist helped. Working the steps helped. Posting here helped. Patience with myself helped.

I don't have the answers for anyone but myself, but offer my experience in the hopes that may help you in some way.

O

Mizz

Stay here. Keep posting. I really hope you do not drink and that you are able to talk to the doctors really soon. We are here for you. I know you can do this.

SnazzyDresser

While you're planning this future drink, be sure to pencil in all the various misery that'll come with it. Better yet, get a better plan that's centered around sobriety and appreciation for the various blessings it's brought your way so far.

Are you saying that you're looking to be rescued from this impeding future calamity? You have the power to rescue yourself right now, as you are, by wising up fast and sticking with what works.

Lpg

Thank you Obladi, for sharing this with me. Playing the tape forward does work to a certain extent, infact that's what iv been doing but more in a way of okay it would prob be fine for the first few attempts at drinking because I know I'd have to behave then bam the alcohol takes over & imagine waking up on the morning where you know you have F*cked up so badly and your painfully ill.
Ive romanticised it to be a lovely meal with 3 drinks max, feeling light and giddy and everything being rosy, laughs with friends/partner. I miss my friends alot, I know corona virus means no socialising atm but iv pretty much been left behind by most of the friends I hung around as a drinker. So loneliness is one reason. & watching my partner drink, he drinks very sensibly. I seem to have been paying careful attention to the way he drinks, as if trying to learn something. I'm envious of his ability to drink with so much control, i just want to be able to do that myself. I will try the asking 'why' 5 times, I beleive these reason are prob on the surface but it will go deeper than that.

Fake it till you make it made me laugh, ive used that saying too many times. In this instance that approach is failing me miserably.

Lpg

thank you mizz

Lpg

[QUOTE=SnazzyDresser;7598813]While you're planning this future drink, be sure to pencil in all the various misery that'll come with it. Better yet, get a better plan that's centered around sobriety and appreciation for the various blessings it's brought your way so far.

Are you saying that you're looking to be rescued from this impeding future calamity? You have the power to rescue yourself right now, as you are, by wising up fast and sticking with what works.[/QUOTE
]thank you snazzy I needed to hear this. I think what I'm saying is in my mind there is no future calamity, like I've romanticised the idea so much I forget the calamity. If that makes sense.

Mizz

What is really good about this is that you posted here. You have reached out to get help elsewhere and you are doing everything in your power to ensure you do not relapse. That is what I read. That is how I have taken your post. I think you are going to be just fine. I really do. You know how bad it can get.

Our minds do fantasize all sorts of crap that is not good for us. There is no harm in asking for and receiving help. We all need it at certain times and certain crossroads in our lives.
Keep on moving forward!

waynetheking

Lpg, I was reading your post from the start and replied as well. You know my position on drinking. I'm going to ask you 1 question. What makes you think that by going back out, that God is going to grant you the gift of coming back?
let that sink in before you take a sip.
We all love you, don't be fooled by this disease. Work your plan.

Lpg

Yeah I think the difference is now I have my son to consider in all of this aswell he's 1 and a half and I want to be the best role model I can for him. I grew up in a home with alcoholic drinking drug taking and I know I don't want to inflict that on my son. But that's what scares the me even more with the types of feelings iv been having about wanting to pick up again.

Dee74

I think it's important to differentiate the thought from the action - having the thought of drinking is something most of us have had from time to time - but its what we do in response that counts.

That's the real measure of our recovery.

Lpg

Yes Wayne you have offered me lots of great advice too. Yeah and I think that's a scary thought, not making it back & it being the worst mistake I ever made. Just came off the phone from assessment so should hear back in the next few weeks. I just want to be happy with my sober life, anytime I think about not being able to drink it makes me feel emotional. It's uncomfortable & it makes me resentful.

Lpg

Yes your right, i should also take a positive away in that I haven't picked up. Just had my assessment and when she asked if I used any other substance I was going to say no but decided mentioned the cannabis and she asked if I wanted help with that, que long pause, reluctantly agreed to start working on it. I think part of me must not want to quit deep down.
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Dee74

It’s not unusual to be ambivalent about quitting. I think most of us want to quit but the actual process can be scary to contemplate.

Your little boy is a great reason to push forward with this.

D