Journal for Five
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
But you can't romanticize the driving home blitzed part, and I think that is what I would hold onto. As you said, not your idea of adult-like behaviour, and just incredibly dangerous. I am SO glad you are not doing that anymore, dearest Five. 
And eight days is AWESOME!!!!!!!! ❤️
And eight days is AWESOME!!!!!!!!
❤️
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
I don't know what to say... I'm posting because I really don't feel like it. Things are good. Sobriety is intact. I'm grateful. I've got my family, friends, work, and plenty of activities to keep me occupied. Life is definitely not exciting right now, but I don't want it to be. It's peaceful.
Slamming the door shut on the addiction 100% is a different experience. There's not any argument happening in my mind. There's images, and tastes, smells, and nostalgia... but they get dismissed pretty quite easily for what they are. I've experienced a few 'firsts' this week and they all went smoothly. I can report back to you that sitting there at a bar with people that are just drinking is boring. Not boring enough to make me desire drink though. It is especially troubling to watch someone who is in trouble with their drinking free for all-ing it. What can ya do though?
Slamming the door shut on the addiction 100% is a different experience. There's not any argument happening in my mind. There's images, and tastes, smells, and nostalgia... but they get dismissed pretty quite easily for what they are. I've experienced a few 'firsts' this week and they all went smoothly. I can report back to you that sitting there at a bar with people that are just drinking is boring. Not boring enough to make me desire drink though. It is especially troubling to watch someone who is in trouble with their drinking free for all-ing it. What can ya do though?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I'm glad you're staying strong Five.
right now where where you are in your recovery...the smart moneys on...nothing.
It sounds callous maybe... but I've seen a lot of good intentioned newly sober folks go down with the one they're trying to help.
Later on you can help others. but to get to that point and just for now... help yourself first.
D
It is especially troubling to watch someone who is in trouble with their drinking free for all-ing it. What can ya do though?
It sounds callous maybe... but I've seen a lot of good intentioned newly sober folks go down with the one they're trying to help.
Later on you can help others. but to get to that point and just for now... help yourself first.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Good job, Five. I’ll never go back to it either. Wise words from Dee - we simply must be selfish about this. Life is so good when we don't drink. Sometimes we don't even realize how good it is, because of how our thinking gets skewed. It doesn't take much alcohol to take me to a dark place of anxiety and negativity. I’m done with that, and glad to be so.
I’m off today for more amazing adventures in Southeast Asia with my girlfriend and her two boys. I had everything ready ahead of time for once, projects completed, and no stress. I’m so happy and grateful. I am so pleased you have chosen the sober life as well, my friend. It will be worth it.
I’m off today for more amazing adventures in Southeast Asia with my girlfriend and her two boys. I had everything ready ahead of time for once, projects completed, and no stress. I’m so happy and grateful. I am so pleased you have chosen the sober life as well, my friend. It will be worth it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
I appreciate that Dee, it's a great reminder. I'm only worried about myself right now. Not in a selfish sense but these first months I am definitely just getting back to my sober stride. That's the only goal. I still worry about my kids like always of course lol. I'm not trying to plan out the future but watching closely to make sure I squash any thoughts of making drinking plans sometime down the road. I think that is a major key for me. Otherwise I have been writing down and working on my sobriety plan. First time really doing that. I'm feeling solid.
Advbike I definitely believe that the sober life is way better. It has its moments that are not easy, like some family drama I dealt with this morning, where 'escaping' sounds nice. It's a very brief flash in my mind. Getting through those moments sober is a much better feeling after the fact though. Being 100% present for my own life, imagine that! Your trip sounds amazing! I would love to be able to explore Asia someday. So far the only place I've made it is Japan... which was great.
I'm on a snowboarding trip again, it turned into a great day. I went on a lot of runs all day long. It's snowing so conditions should be pretty nice tomorrow morning. I'm so tired though... it's 6 and I'm ready for bed. Goodnight from snowy Keystone, CO.
Advbike I definitely believe that the sober life is way better. It has its moments that are not easy, like some family drama I dealt with this morning, where 'escaping' sounds nice. It's a very brief flash in my mind. Getting through those moments sober is a much better feeling after the fact though. Being 100% present for my own life, imagine that! Your trip sounds amazing! I would love to be able to explore Asia someday. So far the only place I've made it is Japan... which was great.
I'm on a snowboarding trip again, it turned into a great day. I went on a lot of runs all day long. It's snowing so conditions should be pretty nice tomorrow morning. I'm so tired though... it's 6 and I'm ready for bed. Goodnight from snowy Keystone, CO.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
I'm slacking on posting. All these thoughts are just passing by. I'm gonna try to just say what I am working on sobriety wise today and that is, no romance! Again. Some little romantic thoughts of a Tin Cup whiskey bottle landed between my ears. Now they want to stick around... I'm disengaging...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Alright I've been meaning to post some sort of update about being sober a month.
What's good about it is pretty much everything.
My mental health is much better off...I don't wake up with my first thought being that I wish I was dead on pretty much a daily basis. I'm clear headed and much more productive and motivated at work. The work days seem to go by much easier. The changes definitely rub off positively on my family too.
My physical health is improving considerably. Most of the beer belly is already gone. I haven't noticed the pains in my liver area for days or weeks. My sleep patterns are very stable. I'm so well rested and I'm not snoring anymore. Gastrointestinal health is much improved. Energy levels are way higher.
Spiritual life is benefiting too. I'm feeling at peace. I've been able to get back to a short meditation practice. I find myself living in the moment instead of suffering over the mistakes of the past or worrying about the future. Not always but much more often.
The only drawback I can see so far is my social life is dwindling, but I expected that. It's honestly not even a negative thing, I'm just not going to drinking centric events.
What's good about it is pretty much everything.
My mental health is much better off...I don't wake up with my first thought being that I wish I was dead on pretty much a daily basis. I'm clear headed and much more productive and motivated at work. The work days seem to go by much easier. The changes definitely rub off positively on my family too.
My physical health is improving considerably. Most of the beer belly is already gone. I haven't noticed the pains in my liver area for days or weeks. My sleep patterns are very stable. I'm so well rested and I'm not snoring anymore. Gastrointestinal health is much improved. Energy levels are way higher.
Spiritual life is benefiting too. I'm feeling at peace. I've been able to get back to a short meditation practice. I find myself living in the moment instead of suffering over the mistakes of the past or worrying about the future. Not always but much more often.
The only drawback I can see so far is my social life is dwindling, but I expected that. It's honestly not even a negative thing, I'm just not going to drinking centric events.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
My not drinking plan so far is a Frankenstein situation.
The brains of it is really my decision to never drink again. I have noticed that coming from that viewpoint really changes my perspective on sobriety and life. Every other time I think I held onto that 1% idea that I would be okay to drink again at some time in the future. I'm not sensing any of that now. I am still just trying to stay sober right now and taking a day at a time approach though.
I'm reading a lot of threads on SR whenever I can. I'm almost up to my goal of subscribing to 365 threads that are impactful for me, to go back and read through if I get in a tough spot. I'm posting every day in the 24 hour thread and the monthly class where I can, just trying to stay connected.
I've started focusing on what I know happened that led to my relapses in the past and not opening those doors... things like romancing drinking, planning to drink, making excuses why alcohol would be ok, believing I can control it, joking about it in my head, implying to other people that I might drink in the future, minimizing the dangers, and on and on.
I'm listening to speaker tapes from AA and talking to a couple of sober friends about their experiences. I haven't found time yet but I still plan to attend a local men's meeting when I can.
I'm using some ideas from AVRT also, recognizing how my AV presents images, feelings, smells, tastes, and whatever else it can come up with to suggest a drink. I'm learning how to close that door much quicker.
Other than that I'm recognizing that I'm early in this and expecting it's gonna get more difficult. No matter what happens I just keep telling myself to avoid the first drink at all costs.
The brains of it is really my decision to never drink again. I have noticed that coming from that viewpoint really changes my perspective on sobriety and life. Every other time I think I held onto that 1% idea that I would be okay to drink again at some time in the future. I'm not sensing any of that now. I am still just trying to stay sober right now and taking a day at a time approach though.
I'm reading a lot of threads on SR whenever I can. I'm almost up to my goal of subscribing to 365 threads that are impactful for me, to go back and read through if I get in a tough spot. I'm posting every day in the 24 hour thread and the monthly class where I can, just trying to stay connected.
I've started focusing on what I know happened that led to my relapses in the past and not opening those doors... things like romancing drinking, planning to drink, making excuses why alcohol would be ok, believing I can control it, joking about it in my head, implying to other people that I might drink in the future, minimizing the dangers, and on and on.
I'm listening to speaker tapes from AA and talking to a couple of sober friends about their experiences. I haven't found time yet but I still plan to attend a local men's meeting when I can.
I'm using some ideas from AVRT also, recognizing how my AV presents images, feelings, smells, tastes, and whatever else it can come up with to suggest a drink. I'm learning how to close that door much quicker.
Other than that I'm recognizing that I'm early in this and expecting it's gonna get more difficult. No matter what happens I just keep telling myself to avoid the first drink at all costs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Thanks Dee and Hevyn
I'm trying to forget about my doubts.
The other things that have been helping are staying grateful and playing the tape through. I think in the past I couldn't play the tape because I wasn't really done drinking. It's a useful tool!
I'm trying to forget about my doubts.
The other things that have been helping are staying grateful and playing the tape through. I think in the past I couldn't play the tape because I wasn't really done drinking. It's a useful tool!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
You have tremendous insight and self awareness, Five. And an analytical approach, so you're doing a great job of applying what you've learned to the task at hand - staying sober.
Expect some heightened feelings and emotions in the next few months - it's normal, but I'm sure you will handle it fine.
Great going my friend.
Expect some heightened feelings and emotions in the next few months - it's normal, but I'm sure you will handle it fine.
Great going my friend.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'd heed those doubts, Five.
It seems counterintuitive, maybe, but the fear of getting pulled back into that whirl of active addiction is a pretty good incentive to not drink. At least for me, it is. If I use the fear to good purpose, it helps to keep the thoughts of drinking at least a couple of steps away from the action.
You'll hit some bumps in the road, for sure. One thing I keep forgetting is that the terrain can get unexpectedly rough - in fact it will and does get bumpy. The more you actually ride through the bumps with mindfulness and actually feel them, the more practiced you will become. Yep, it gets harder; but living through the tumult is what will eventually make this all "easier" for you.
Best of all, you are able to notice now; and the pleasant feelings come along to balance the unpleasant. You have days with moments of peace and contentment. You wake up without that wish to be dead. You're finding gratitude. You're sober!
As my friend Cow used to say, "Keepa go," Five
O
It seems counterintuitive, maybe, but the fear of getting pulled back into that whirl of active addiction is a pretty good incentive to not drink. At least for me, it is. If I use the fear to good purpose, it helps to keep the thoughts of drinking at least a couple of steps away from the action.
You'll hit some bumps in the road, for sure. One thing I keep forgetting is that the terrain can get unexpectedly rough - in fact it will and does get bumpy. The more you actually ride through the bumps with mindfulness and actually feel them, the more practiced you will become. Yep, it gets harder; but living through the tumult is what will eventually make this all "easier" for you.
Best of all, you are able to notice now; and the pleasant feelings come along to balance the unpleasant. You have days with moments of peace and contentment. You wake up without that wish to be dead. You're finding gratitude. You're sober!
As my friend Cow used to say, "Keepa go," Five
O
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Thank you, Obladi
I've been on the ropes the past couple days. I didn't drink but I had decided to drink and it took no time at all. When I KNOW that I don't want to drink! I'm back on stable ground today but shaken up.
It's time to examine some things.
I have that fear of drinking. I really don't want to go backwards anymore. The cycle needs to end with me on the sober side. I'm definitely scared that I'm getting snuck-up on though. How can I not see it coming when it's in my own mind?
I've been on the ropes the past couple days. I didn't drink but I had decided to drink and it took no time at all. When I KNOW that I don't want to drink! I'm back on stable ground today but shaken up.
It's time to examine some things.
I have that fear of drinking. I really don't want to go backwards anymore. The cycle needs to end with me on the sober side. I'm definitely scared that I'm getting snuck-up on though. How can I not see it coming when it's in my own mind?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I definitely got better at seeing it coming, but I dont think you need to see it coming as much as knowing how to shut it down when it makes itself known, 5T.
Play the tape through, urge surf, post here, exercise, eat something...all those things have value.
D
Play the tape through, urge surf, post here, exercise, eat something...all those things have value.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
We don't have to act on our thoughts, Five. They're just thoughts. Triggered by the addiction. The desire to feel the buzz. Once we train the Beast, and it learns about the "buzz" it becomes a lower-brain response, like hunger, or the desire for sex. It takes time for that to diminish but it will. And at the same time, we get stronger, so it becomes easier to dismiss those thoughts.
Good job on getting through it.
Good job on getting through it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Alright well I have time to ramble before I start cooking for the Super Bowl. I'm not a big football fan so the cooking will be my highlight. I'm cooking french toast, bacon, eggs, and hash browns for breakfast. Then I'm smoking a brisket for the game and air frying some wings. The game is not a temptation for me to drink. I got some coke and lemonade for drinks. Coke has become my go to drink when I'm in a drinking situation. Everyone has it, and it's a special treat because normally I try to avoid too much sugar.
I've lost about 7 pounds in the past month and a half. Starting to get skinny. I still have not implemented my full diet and workout routine, it's mostly just from staying sober.
This staying sober is interesting. I'm really happy that I'm learning how. I was sitting at the bar last night watching UFC fights with a friend. I was thinking about how if I got the urge to drink I would just leave. I'd rather run out of there screaming than order a drink. It's like becoming a new person.
I'm feeling very grateful today. My son just called and told me how much he loves me. He's such a great kid. I'm lucky. I really appreciate all of the wisdom every one of you has provided that's helped me get my sober life started. It's helping me to have full appreciation of my life.
Especially you Obladi. Thank you. I hope you are ok out there.
I don't think I would've kept coming back here without you.
What else?
Oh, I was thinking about how my friend made it clear that he thinks I can stay sober forever. He thought I had no chance when I told him I was quitting. It's pretty cool when someone else acknowledges that. I guess I always hang on to my self- doubt. What good is that doing me?
I've gotten a lot of stuff done but there's so much more to do! Mostly projects and chores around my house. I'm starting to see that if I just stay sober for good I'll have a chance to build the life I want. It hasn't even been that long.
Mmmm .. I can't think now, my daughters cell phone keeps dinging with all these text messages coming in. She is a pre-teen and she's sleeping in until 10 on the weekends. I'm trying not to be like my parents and wake her up to tell her she's wasting the whole day away. Really, what's better than sleeping in?!
I felt like crap yesterday. I think I didn't sleep well. It was so nice to feel bad and stay sober though. I would have gotten drunk in the past if I felt that way. Today I'm feeling much better. It looks nice outside. Time to get cooking.
Love you all...
I've lost about 7 pounds in the past month and a half. Starting to get skinny. I still have not implemented my full diet and workout routine, it's mostly just from staying sober.
This staying sober is interesting. I'm really happy that I'm learning how. I was sitting at the bar last night watching UFC fights with a friend. I was thinking about how if I got the urge to drink I would just leave. I'd rather run out of there screaming than order a drink. It's like becoming a new person.
I'm feeling very grateful today. My son just called and told me how much he loves me. He's such a great kid. I'm lucky. I really appreciate all of the wisdom every one of you has provided that's helped me get my sober life started. It's helping me to have full appreciation of my life.
Especially you Obladi. Thank you. I hope you are ok out there.
I don't think I would've kept coming back here without you.
What else?
Oh, I was thinking about how my friend made it clear that he thinks I can stay sober forever. He thought I had no chance when I told him I was quitting. It's pretty cool when someone else acknowledges that. I guess I always hang on to my self- doubt. What good is that doing me?
I've gotten a lot of stuff done but there's so much more to do! Mostly projects and chores around my house. I'm starting to see that if I just stay sober for good I'll have a chance to build the life I want. It hasn't even been that long.
Mmmm .. I can't think now, my daughters cell phone keeps dinging with all these text messages coming in. She is a pre-teen and she's sleeping in until 10 on the weekends. I'm trying not to be like my parents and wake her up to tell her she's wasting the whole day away. Really, what's better than sleeping in?!
I felt like crap yesterday. I think I didn't sleep well. It was so nice to feel bad and stay sober though. I would have gotten drunk in the past if I felt that way. Today I'm feeling much better. It looks nice outside. Time to get cooking.
Love you all...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hello Five . Brisket & wings - oh my. 
Sounds wonderful.
I enjoyed reading your update & thoughts. It's wonderful that your son told you he loves you. That is everything.
I'm so glad we're free.
. Brisket & wings - oh my. Sounds wonderful.I enjoyed reading your update & thoughts. It's wonderful that your son told you he loves you. That is everything.
I'm so glad we're free.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Well, Five... I'd say there have been plenty of times I've posted simply because you did. So it's a mutual aid society, you know?
In any event, I'm awful glad you keep coming back. Glad your friend can totally see you as a teetotaler now. Happy for you that your son is able to express his love - happy for him too. It is 'nice' to feel crap and stay sober, isn't it? Just sitting with my own dis-ease isn't a blast, but it does beat the dickens out of dousing it with booze. Blech.
Hope your team wins, whoever they are.
I don't even know who's playing.
O
In any event, I'm awful glad you keep coming back. Glad your friend can totally see you as a teetotaler now. Happy for you that your son is able to express his love - happy for him too. It is 'nice' to feel crap and stay sober, isn't it? Just sitting with my own dis-ease isn't a blast, but it does beat the dickens out of dousing it with booze. Blech.
Hope your team wins, whoever they are.
I don't even know who's playing.
O
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