Briansy

Hi Scott, no just Ibuprofen. You will recall that I went through a phase of dealing with the withdrawal phase with benzos. As I believe you pointed out at the time, a terrible idea that merely prolonged the pain.

Re: the front to the outside world, well, at least one aspect that's now covered is that all of my friends and acquaintances now know I don't drink. Which is a big positive and doesn't leave any open doors for social drinking or temptation. That aspect left me quite some time ago. But I know you were raising a slightly different point about taking on too much when I'm not physically or emotionally up to it. I'm OK. Mainly just mildly depressed and anxious now. Thankfully the working from home aspect is a God send. By the time lockdown ends I'll be in a much better place.

Just went for a 2 hour walk. Listened to a podcast and it felt great to get out. Now watching some TV and vegging. All in all a positive day.

I move to a nicer and larger place in 2 weeks. Something to look forward to but also to stress about. I'll leave that til the week I'm moving...

Obladi

Sounds like you had a very decent day, overall, Briansy.
This is how we do it.
One foot in front of the other and all that jazz.

Briansy

That was yesterday, O. Today was good. Another 2 hour walk, cleaned my house, did some decent work but also ate a box of chocolates. Still, I feel a lot more human today. I'm still swapping messages with my "friend", soon to be former friend. About her dog. So that needs to be cut off at some point but not before he dies. A lot less shame and more perspective today. I know it only gets better. Now to see about sobriety without the safety net of my "friend". Trying to establish my internal dialogue on the language used as per your helpful suggestion. Thanks for checking in, O, I really appreciate it.

Dropsie

Scott's message 24 is exactly how I feel about the whole thing.

It was about acceptance in my soul that I drinking any alcohol at all was not an. option. ever. And that one sip was all it took.

After I accepted that it was all about execution. Execution I know how to do.

Thinking of you B. You sound good.

Briansy

Well, I am having a tough day today. I absolutely don't want to drink but really feeling lonely.

So, in the midst of the worst of my drinking - which was at the tail end of a period of managing to successfully block out the world with alcohol - the tail end bit where it gets really **** and scary - I met this girl on a dating app. She was 47 and I was 39 so I considered her not to be a suitable age but I matched with her and I think I proposed something crass like a drunken hook up. Which she kinda laughed at, but we got chatting and it turned out that we had a lot to say to each other. We really hit it off in terms of our personalities and after about 6 weeks of daily chatting via text I said to her that I didn't want anything to happen because of her age (in truth I wasn't really attracted to her in that way) but I really valued her as a friend - and that was true, we really clicked and I had and have huge respect for her. She accepted that and so we continued to be mates. She had seen what I was doing to myself with drinking and was an amazing support - her sister had died of a sudden alcohol abuse related heart failure two years previously so was really invested in getting me out of that hole. I started to improve, pretty markedly compared to what I had done previously and I would go and visit her and her lovely dogs where she lived (an idyllic part of the English countryside), and she would come and visit me in London and we'd go for walks, and dinner and watch telly and play with the dogs and just have a great time. It absolutely more closely resembled a long term relationship without the intimacy than a friendship.

As Coronavirus hit last year I was making good progress with drinking but fell off the wagon in a big way around that time and she asked me to come and stay with her so I could have some company (I live on my own) and so I could work on my sobriety. It was amazing, I stayed with her for 3 months, she cooked, I cleaned and walked her dog when she worked. Our business had kinda temporarily shut down at that point so I was just relaxing and going on lots of long walks in the countryside and it was just such a happy period in my life. During that period, I guess there were times when we saw a bit much of each other and occasionally things would get strained - I think she probably realised we were a bit more different than we thought before living with each other - I like to have everything organised in advance and she kinda goes with the flow - etc etc. But that was fine in my eyes, I could live with it but it was always kinda looming that there was no intimacy when at least initially she did want it - so actually I was having my cake and eat it which isn't fair. I don't know if this is a bad thing, but the friendship and bond and that support is way more important to me than sex anyway. Anyway, we came out of lockdown I went home to Ireland for a month or so to see my parents and then back to London where life as normal resumed. I guess we just weren't quite as close since then but still communicated every day - I think during my time staying with her during lockdown she secretly hoped something would happen but when it looked like it might I would always pull back on the closeness. Anyway, I wanted it to be as it was before and was keen to come up and visit all the time but she started to take on more work and some distance formed between us, presumably as she had started to make peace with the fact that she needed to move on. Since then (last autumn), things have slowly gotten cooler and it was clear that I wasn't quite as welcome up there as previously although she never said as much. Things kinda came to a head last week when I got smashed and brought it all up. The second day of my drying out her dog (who I absolutely adore) had a stroke and so it was just tough. He's old and doesn't have long left anyway - but it just brought up so many emotions. Being in that little bubble with them was the most secure and happy I had been for years and years and it was all coming to an end. I've been keeping in touch with her about the dog and suggested I would be there for her if she needed me any time. Anyway, her dog started to make some improvements which was great news and she suggested I come up next week to see them. Anyway, this morning we had another petty argument and she was like: I can't do this anymore and I was like: neither can I, we need to stop chatting right now as it is doing me no good. I have deleted your number.

And that's where we left it. There is something about having a genuinely trusting, respectful and loving (if not physically intimate) relationship with someone that is like a cloak of armour. Having been single since University - so 15 years or so - I really realised what I was missing in my life. I have always been a bit of a loner and always carefully chose a small number of friends to be close to rather than having a large circle. Although it would be to fair to say that this wasn't always a choice but just what cards I was dealt. In the midst of my long drinking career in my 20s and 30s I would manage all of my personal relationships, keeping everyone at arms length - that and the drinking was enough to stave off loneliness but we all know what then happens. It stops working and we have to face the scary reality of living life on its own terms. And that is where I was then and this is where I am now. Living alone and with noone really to talk to about this friendship / relationship ending - all of my good friends have families - so they still give me time so it's different. I've kind of described the dynamic with this girl to a few friends who empathise but I guess only I live it and can make sense of it and know how much it really hurts to have to start from scratch again - and that won't be for quite some time as the number one priority is to stay sober. Also, I knew this day was coming as it just wasn't sustainable for there not to be a physical relationship and for the closeness to remain.

So, after 18 months of focusing on this person, perhaps a bit too much, I am now feeling very exposed and very alone. I also imagine I will get some form of further communication from her about her dog worsening or dying and that is going to bring all the emotions up again - but anyway, I'm kinda rambling now. Is this a bit long winded? Probably. But felt others might read it and it would resonate. Ugh. Anyway, I'll stop now and go back to moving on...

ScottFromWI

Writing it out can be therapeutic Briansy. Relationships are hard - even when alcohol is completely out of the picture. And as you chronicled, adding it back in make things even worse. Sometimes we need to just concentrate on fixing ourselves before introducing another variable to the equation.

I'm glad you came here to share. Do you participate in any local support groups of any kind by chance? Forming relationships with those in recovery first where it's safe and you don't become as personally attached is a good way to get started.

Briansy

Hi Scott, no local support groups at present. Things are very solitary with lockdown. I might take a look at some friendly AA meetings when things open back up again next month. Where relationships are concerned, I struggle not to have the same "all or nothing" mentality that got me into trouble with alcohol. Perhaps something toook at for next time...

ScottFromWI

Yes, the "all or nothing" mentality that surrounds our addiction doesn't just go away when we quit drinking. And it doesn't only apply to how we deal with alcohol, it can be -reapplied to virtually ever facet of our lives. Gambling, drugs, sex, smoking, relationships, video games..insert virtually anything else....the substance or attraction really doesn't matter so much. I just wanted it all, I wanted the good part only, and wanted it NOW!

That's why you hear people ask you what your plan is, or what you are doing to change your lifestyle/attitude/acceptance. AKA - removing the substance does not remove the malady.

Dee74

Have you thought about Zoom meetings - there's not only AA SMART lifering etc have them too?

D

Rockbottom1964

Thanks for sharing all of that with us, Briansy. Loneliness really is a kick in the n*** sometimes, I know. I really do, because I've been there for more than two years, now. And I still am.
So, I escape into the world of my imagination. It helps - but not all of the time. I also have my two doggies; without them I'd probably have walked into the bush by now, or maybe become a beach bum. Who knows?
What I do know, is that every day sober for me, gets better. I, at least, have a bit of hope that things will get better. If I still drank, I would be exactly where I am now, but without the "hope" aspect, and to me, that would be a killer.
Get something you really enjoy doing, Brainsy. Anything to take your mind of that "lonely thing", which is what chases you to the booze as well. Now I ramble...
Have a wonderful weekend, Brainsy.
Corrie
PS. I didn't know you were in England. That means we're almost on the same time-line. I'm normally awake until around two in the morning, if you need to talk, sometimes.

Briansy

Thanks Corrie, I appreciate it. You know, this cut off point has been on the verge of happening since last September / October time. But it was the finality of it yesterday that got me. Funnily enough I slept OK last night and woke up with a different mindset. I guess two things: the first being I realised that the stress of balancing the friendship on a knife edge was actually really starting to impact my well being and was enormously stressful and discouraging. The second is that I was / am mourning for something which hasn't existed in its ideal state in well over 6 months. That's a long time to keep an untenable "status quo" in operation. Plus, if I'm to be totally honest, I knew she wanted more, at least initially, and allowed her to get closer to me knowing I wouldn't give her that - which I think puts me in the category of being a bit of a dick in all this. Now it may well be that I'm just having a good morning, but the fact that it has been coming for so long has likely meant I have already come to terms with it.

Time to move on. It's a bit of a holding pattern here for the next couple of months but they will probably open up golf at some point in late March. That will get me out and socialising in March. Til then plenty of walks, keeping in close contact with my folks, brother and friends (small circle though it is) and actually put in a good shift at work and we will see where we get to.

Briansy

Day 8. No cravings so far, mercifully. Just trying to get used to not having that "safety net" - my friend, not booze - booze stopped being a safety net a long time ago. It's been slow in here lately. I want to be consuming more SR wisdom!!!!

Mizz

You are doing so well! Those first few weeks are so intense. A least they were for me. Just in terms of mental and emotional leveling. My anxiety was trying to kill me. I didn't let it win. You got this!

Obladi

Hey Briansy,

You know I like you, so please understand that my directness comes from a place of caring. I agree with you that yes, you were "a bit of a dick" in that relationship. You refer to the glorious days six months ago as "ideal," but were they really? How can they have been ideal when you knew she wanted more than you were willing or able to give? I'm not saying it was all your fault by any means as she was definitely half of the equation, but honestly I think you are (or were) mourning over something that was never real.

Apparently (?), dating apps work well for some (healthy, balanced) people, but I don't think they're such a great thing for people such as ourselves who are introverted, feel socially awkward, and want to skip the hard parts. Plus also drink to much, or have done so recently. Mind you, I don't bar the possibility of ever using a dating app ever again, but I've learned that forming a new romantic relationship would be a very bad idea for me at this time. I had to learn how to be sober, had to learn how to live through loneliness and that feeling of "otherness" and not-worthy-ness. Just now I am at the point of learning how to develop healthy, entirely platonic relationships. Honestly, the thought of it "going there" with anyone at this point would have me running for the hills. That's probably not the most healthy response on my part - or maybe it is, I don't know. And I'm not telling you what to do - God knows I've got no corner on knowing anything aside from myself and that's an ongoing journey.

Anyhow, all of that is a distraction, in my opinion. Smoke and mirrors. What's this last post bemoaning the slowness of SR? Man, the world is not going to deliver its wisdom, happiness, joy to you on a silver plate. There are literally thousands of ways you can find wisdom, even if you don't move from your chair. Go check out SLAA and take the quiz. We can compare notes. Find that thread on Myers Briggs and take the online assessment and go read about your personality type. Look up "AA talks" on youtube. Go to a Zoom meeting. Order a recovery book that tickles your fancy. There's an entire sticky at the top of this forum with reading suggestions.

O

Briansy

Jeez, O, you really delivered that message in unvarnished terms!!!! I said from the get go with this girl that I didn't want to go there, but then we just kept chatting and became really good friends. You can imagine how hard it would have been to give that up if I had done so before it all turned sour. Like you say, those dating apps feel intimidating and if you meet someone that's interesting and non judgemental and all of that it feelsike striking gold. I mean, I could have left out the bit about me being a dick (or thinking I probably was) but if you can't be honest on SR, where can you. If dating apps aren't suitable for our kind then I really am doomed to being single forever. Frankly, that is pretty likely regardless!

Obladi

Good thing I softened the blow by saying I liked ya, huh?

Yes, you could have left out that part, but it would have been true regardless of whether you said it or not. I said she had a part in it because I've been her (different circumstances, but still). And that's the part that I needed to learn to own up to. It doesn't excuse my behavior or yours that each of us had the best of intentions (and I think that might be up for debate) and were straightforward with the other. Honesty is one thing; integrity is another.

I think both of us can learn how to be a different kind as long as we stay sober and really put the effort into working on our "stuff."

xO

Briansy

I think we both wanted different things from one another. The closeness and friendship and respect and being around someone I really admired was pretty compelling. The idea of "going there" with anyone when not hammered scares the living crap out of me anyway. So I either find someone attractive and so, as a result am way too intimidated to go near them, or I don't find them physically attractive but I can love lots of other parts to them. I spent a long time agonising about whether it was possible to learn to want the physical side. But it never came. If I had to guess, you may be like me in that I am a perfectionist about a lot of things and people is one of them. It is extremely rare to find someone that has a combination of qualities that I'm really drawn to. And makes me sad that sex is the primary currency and so if I don't value it as much as the other stuff then the chances to have any sort of close bond with someone that isn't plain weird are zero. Plus sometimes I feel like I left my
​​libido somewhere 20 years ago and it only gets reawakened when I am on some intoxicant or other. You know I just googled something to try and see what the internet said about my current situation and it kept bringing up the word "Narcissist." Great!

I can see that you're deep into self reflection and self development currently and I have to admit I'm nowhere near there and when I try to go into that mode it just confuses and depresses me.

Obladi

I understand.

My psychotherapist was a great help to me. Think you could give that a go?

Briansy

I probably should

Mizz

"I can see that you're deep into self reflection and self development currently and I have to admit I'm nowhere near there and when I try to go into that mode it just confuses and depresses me. "

So, keep moving forward and don't go there. You get to chose Not everything has to be psychoanalyzed, ya know? Especially if it confuses and depresses us.

You sound very intuitive and have a deep knowledge of yourself. Keep on keeping on, Briansy!