ScottFromWI

Welcome back Briansy - it's been a rough year for everyone in so many ways. Glad to hear you did not drink today, stay close and think about what it is you might do to make positive change.

Briansy

Hello all. Well, I dosed myself up with sleeping meds (nytol/benadryl) and conked at 9.30 last night. Maybe cos it was only 2 days drinking and not 4 like last time but I slept for most of the time through to 8.30. Badly needed. The frustrating thing is that my life and lifestyle has absolutely changed since late 2017. And for the better. But that "eff it button" is pressed way too easily after the call comes in from the AV. I do like the comments about giving the AV a place at the table though. How to reinforce that black and white view I guess has been explored here too many times to count...

venuscat

For me, it is about having recovery be part of my Iife every singIe day ~ I get up in aII kinds of different moods....especiaIIy over the past few months....Iife in generaI is pretty tough right now, and between heath issues and some big anxiety....weII, it is more important to me than ever to have a rudder to steer my boat.

And I know I used that expression yesterday, but that is the truth for me.

And that rudder for me is SR.
I wash my face etc, grab a coffee and sit down with my friends.

Reading the posts in the morning changes the coIour of my day aIways.
It gets me in the right head space.....I become focused on Iove and gratitude.
I am newIy reminded of aII that I am....I find my courage and I find my good mood.

Spending time with this wonderfuI community every day keeps me soIid.
My sobriety is aIways in the foreground and I stay right on track.

s

ScottFromWI

I think at the end of the day Briansy, I think it's going to take an absolute/unquestionable acceptance that drinking any amount of alcohol is never an option, ever - not even one sip. Yes, it's black and white but in reality it does only take one sip to throw everything back off the rails. While addiction is not technically an allergy, I sometimes use that analogy - if you have a peanut allergy, you will always get sick every time you eat peanuts - 100% guaranteed. For me, acceptance of my addiction is kind of like accepting that you have an allergy. No one is really sure why some people have allergies and others do not, and there is no cure for allergies other than avoiding the substance that causes the reaction.

On another note, and I believe we've discussed this topic before, please use caution with the sleeping aids. Insomnia is a common side effect of drinking, and it will go away eventually. It's very easy to swap your addiction to another substance, and OTC sleeping aids can indeed become addictive quickly.

Obladi

I agree with Scott, Brian. I felt a little start of concern when I read that you'd "dosed yourself up." I am glad you were able to sleep the night through, though.

The black and white view you seek didn't "work" for me. I guess because it's not a view, it's a decision. I know I'm being redundant here, but will say again that the thing I said to myself each and every time my brain suggested a drink or even just started getting squirrelly was, "(This is a time I would have badly wanted a drink) but I don't drink now." I'm not by any means suggesting that you need to employ the same strategy as I did (though maybe I'd have the makings of a million dollar 'cure' if you did ), but I am suggesting that you think about taking advantage of the paradoxical permanence/impermanence of "Now." When I decided to Never drink Now, it set a commitment I knew I could keep because that decision was constant but I didn't have to think about it in the context of time. No "always" or "never again," just now.

However you decide to frame it (there are certainly other ways people have done so successfully), I think making the decision to Not Drink laid bare the other difficult questions/obstacles/challenges that confront me. Having forgone the comfort of my old friend & anesthetic vodka, I'd also made the decision that those other things needed to be handled in a different way. I don't know about you, but for me, that was the real bogey man under the bed. By no means did I drag him out from under there, but I knew he'd be showing up and I was reconciled to that eventuality, I guess. But thinking in the now made that a moot point until it happened.

I don't know if that makes sense. I guess I'm saying that you're right in fearing that this won't be easy but I know you can survive sobriety and will eventually be very grateful for it. Because I did and I am.


O

Obladi

p.s. Beware of dwelling on why it wasn't "as bad" this time. That's just more AV working at convincing you that you might continue to get away with drinking unscathed. And you might. But there are no guarantees aside from knowing that it always gets worse. There are innumerable people here who will affirm that truth, and I've never ever encountered a single soul who was able to demonstrate going back to moderate drinking successfully in the long term. (And I've known an awful lot of drunks...)

Briansy

I don't think I came away unscathed this time. I did and said regrettable things and I got out of my mind in the first night, consuming all the alcohol I had with insane speed and then went for more. The quickness with which oblivion / black out was achieved was frightening. And I remember thinking beforehand: you know all bets are off if you drink, don't you? You could do all sorts of damaging stuff both personally and professionally? But the fight had been lost by then.

Just found out that my very good friend's dog had a stroke today. He's old but I spent a lot of happy times with him last year during lockdown. Really tough to hear. I offered to come up to look after them both but my relationship with his Mom has deteriorated, in part because of drinking, from pure trust to some distance. All makes me very sad and regretful. But I am trying to distract myself and keep perspective. The timing is bad but then my Dad is 84 and me going AWOL and not taking their calls when he is that age just feels plain wrong. Time to grow up.

venuscat

Oh no, I am so sorry about that sweet dog. s

Briansy

And on the sleeping meds, Scott. Yes there is something of a psychological dependence there but I am nearly all out and not gonna top them up when I finish them tonight. I went a month before Xmas pills free and went a couple of months last summer. So it can be done.

Obladi

Sorry, Briansy. I guess I was projecting a bit. (Hard to share my experience and not be self-centered at the same time - I'm working on it.)

I only meant that my damage assessment deteriorated right along with my drinking. What seemed like a horrible unthinkable outcome months back lost its strength and I diminished those outcomes in my mind when I wanted to drink again. I simply could not summon emotional recall for the devastation, so the drink won out. It's not that I didn't try, it just didn't "work" for me. Playing the tape forward was an inane exercise for me - "Yeah, I know it's gonna be a ***show. Whatever."

That's all I meant with my cautionary postscript.

Briansy

Yes, the description of his current condition and the distress he was in is very upsetting. Upset for both of them, I know she will be devastated. Maybe he can recover. I'm hoping so but he is now 15 so I guess it's only a matter of time.

Briansy

Not at all, O, and I didn't mean to sound defensive. More to agree with you. And yes, playing the tape forward doesn't seem to work for me either. Although the binges are getting scarier and scarier. More intense. When the anger comes on as it always does with me at some point. I'm liable to say or do anything. I can still salvage a happy and successful life. But it has to start now before any irreparable damage is done.

Obladi

Briansy, how are you today?


I learned a lot from the many roads to sobriety people have shared here and elsewhere. One Rational Recovery/AVRT thing that really resonates with me is that language is extremely important. This isn't unique to RR; it's the wisdom we've heard before about self-talk, positive affirmations, setting intentions. But the focus on verb tense that AVRT advocates on this site employ in regard to drinking thoughts/language has been tremendously helpful to me. I won't parse it all out for you because that can be over the top (from my perspective), but I'd encourage you to reframe your thoughts to use past tense in regard to drinking and current tense in relation to Not Drinking.

The binges no longer happen, you have become a non-drinker Now. (It can always be Now, even if you've just come off yet another bender.)

O

Briansy

Hi O, yes I like this point very much. I guess I felt disingenuous using this language yesterday but I appreciate that's the whole point! Was this something you incorporated from the get go this time? I am trying to search through SR for good nuggets but traffic isn't what it once was these days. Keep hitting me with them! Consider it your step 12! In fact, using the term "this time" probably isn't helpful phrasing really is it.

I am feeling absolutely terrible today, thanks for asking. Weak, depressed and anxious. Worried about my friend's dog and ruminating on what I did wrong in our relationship.

The annoying thing is that right now I can't will myself or manipulate myself into feeling physically and mentally better. I just have to get through the days until I reach equilibrium in about a week's time. At that point I'll be better able to absorb recovery wisdom. Actually showing up and putting a shift in at work is a starting point to healing my conscience after going missing last week. The good news is I don't need to be physically present anywhere for the foreseeable future so I can be spared having to "face up" to the world.

Obladi

It is annoying but true that you can't make yourself feel better, especially in these early days full of remorse and shame. I think you might do well, though, by avoiding piling it on. By no means do I want to come off insensitive about your friend's dog, but really - do you need to take that on? And about that relationship. Again, I know how hard breakups can be (my last one nearly did me in) but really, what good is doing a taxonomy on your missteps right now? You're not likely to work that out for quite some time, but you certainly can mull that over (and over and over) for a good long time. To what end? I am used to be quite expert at looking around for things to feel bad about - most of them over which I had absolutely no control.

Get through the day, indeed. Watch movies or docu-series. Pace. Work on a puzzle. Change your bed linens or clean out the junk drawer.
Get up again tomorrow and do it all over again.
The time will pass and you will get stronger.

Mizz

Briansy-
You are doing really well and welcome back to sobriety.
Recovery is not a linear process from what I have experienced. My own recovery has had many bumps in the road. Many relapses after a good amount of time sober. Every relapse has given me a bit more insight about "tools" and what it is I need to stay sober.

I am reading that you are doing everything in your power to change your behavior. You can do this. You are doing this. Keep "doing" this!

I am truly sorry to hear of your friends dog and the relationship that has been damaged. Heavy stuff there. I get it. A friendship of mine was damaged in part by alcohol and some other life happenings. Its all very uncomfortable. Time has made some of those feelings a bit easier. Not all but some. I think about it. I put it away. Pull it out again. Feel it. I do hope all of that works out positively for you.

Its good you have this time to care for yourself before you go back out into the world. I can see you are absorbing all you need to right now. Keep on Keeping on, Briansy.

Briansy

Thanks Mizz, I have chirped up a bit in the last couple of hours. The dwelling and agonizing wasn't doing much good. Best to focus on the positive behaviours now and take it easy when the inevitable snags present themselves.

Briansy

Day 4 and still feel like utter garbage. Still, I did a decent day's work today and moved on a bit from my messy emails from last week which I know my colleague kinda brushed under the table. He'll know I'm making an effort today. Got exhausted this afternoon - intense tiredness so I ate a couple of chocolate bars to get my head back in the game. And took some painkillers for a pounding headache. Not ideal but so be it. I just need to get from the beginning to the end of the day at this point. And pretend to the outside world like everything is normal in my life!

Philo34

Wasn't too long ago and I was saying the same thing. I needed to see this. I need it tattooed somewhere. I know there is a better way. I hope the best for you today but know tomorrow will be better. It gave me great comfort strangely when a friend of mine told me, "your'e supposed to feel like s**t, it's supposed to hurt, it's normal to want to fix it right now." It made accepting where I was, easier.

ScottFromWI

I found that unfortunately, each time I quit and returned to drinking that the recovery got longer and harder. Some people call it "Kindling" - but in any case glad that you have made it to day 4 and hope that the physical symptoms improve soon. I'd be amiss if I didn't ask or at least point out the painkiller reference - hopefully something OTC and something not addictive?

Regarding the pretending piece, remember that you really don't need to do that. For one thing it's exhausting, and it's also in another sense it's trying to postpone/put off whatever the real issue is until sometime later. Obviously you don't need to broadcast all your problems to the world, that's not my suggestion. But for example, if you aren't feeling well maybe taking some time off to rest might help, vs trying to pretend that you aren't tired. Coming here and sharing is another great example - writing down what ails you or what issues you have going on is much better than bottling it all up.