Not sure where else to post...
 

Hi SR. I am grateful to be 1.5years sober. My life looks very different than just a few years ago - I’m remarried, live in a nice home. My career is going well. I have birth to my second son 3 months ago.

I still struggle from the long term affects alcoholism has had on my coping skills. I’m super struggling right now. Not with the thought of drinking, but with major anxiety and guilt (I’m already on meds).

Im having some conflict with extended family members, regarding my older son. Our entire family has substance abuse and boundary issues. Since getting sober, with the help of my wife, I’ve been distancing myself somewhat and setting up new boundaries. It hasn’t always been understood by certain family members.

I HATE conflict. It sends me into a tailspin of negative emotions and panic. I sent a long email to my extended family the other day where they was firm with some expectations regarding my son. I hate that I may have upset people. I don’t know if I regret doing what I did.

I apologize that this isn’t completely alcohol related- more so a former alcoholic trying to navigate complicated interpersonal relationships now that they’re sober.

anyone else struggle when dealing with family now that you’re sober and in a different place?

Hi shortstop,

This is as good a place as any. :)

Congratulations on your long term sobriety. I'm quite certain that everyone in your circle has benefited from this. I'm really glad to hear you're not thinking about drinking over this.

I'm early in sobriety, but can relate to your absolute dread of conflict. That's a biggie for me because it makes me (made me?) feel "bad" to be involved in that in any way. Like a bad person, you know?

What has helped me tremendously is to learn to value my self. I can't tell you how to do that anymore than anyone could tell me how to do that. But I can tell you that working with a good psychotherapist, working on my own to figure out what was really bothering me (deep deep down), reading and listening to other alcoholics... all of those were tremendously helpful in this journey. It was hard work, but so worth it.

You know what broke the bank for me? When I realized that all of the craziness that surrounded me couldn't possibly be all about me. And there really honestly wasn't a single thing I could do about that aside from agnostically separating myself from the nonsense. It's not that I don't care about the things that really bothered me before - I've just learned to see them as... I dunno, external, I guess.

And honestly, there are still some potential conflicts I avoid like the plague because I don't feel strong enough to handle them. But I've reconciled myself to selectively choosing to put particular aspects of those situations to the side and do my best to move forward regardless.

Not sure if that helps any?

O

Congratulations on 1.5 years!

Dealing with my family differently in sobriety has been a big thing for me. It has been a long slow learning process. It's especially tricky with the ones that have substance abuse issues. So, I hear ya!

Thank you for the replies - ALWAYS helpful to hear from others. :)

It feels like I can’t quite escape the mental loop that I’m in. In the past alcohol would’ve been my “cure”, but that would be very temporary in nature.

It’s almost like I need repeated reassurance that everything is ok. That my family members don’t hate me. That I haven’t mucked everything up. Man, I never beat myself up this way after drinking, that’s for sure! What a difference it is to have to actually FEEL emotions, especially the hard ones.

Hi Shortstop - congrats on your sober time.

I don't have children but if I did and my family was to offer a load of unsolicited advice or criticism I'd probably say 'thanks for the input' and try and stop the thing dead that way.

Writing email essays in my experience didn't do much to quench the fire...and may have added to it in my case.
I wanted my family to say yeah we were wrong, we're sorry, and you know best but that never happened then - and its not likely to happen now..

I don't like conflict either, although I'm better at dealing with it now....but my family is never going to be conflict free and I have to decide if I feed into that or stand apart from it.

D

Oh, good point, Dee!
I spent a huge amount of energy trying to get people to understand my point of view.
That's not so important to me any longer - what's important is that I understand.

:)

Yes yes...I’m beginning to remember a line from Walt from Breaking Bad, where he wishes he could find the right combination of words to make people UNDERSTAND him, as if he could explain himself in the perfect way and everything would be alright.

I think that’s what I’ve been trying to do...

Hey Shortstop, good to hear from you and congrats on your sober time. I used to get stuck in those loops too - one thing that helps me is to try and think of myself as an outside observer and try to break the cycle. Or pretend you are observing someone and think of what you might say to help. One of my "Loops" i used to get caught up in related to my health anxiety was going down endless wormholes with Dr. Google and diagnosing myself with all kinds of ailments. Stepping back and looking at the ridiculousness of the whole thing could sometimes help snap me out of it.

SS,

Congrats. I have the exact same. I am honest about how I feel or my expectations and then feel bad if its upsets folks.

I agree with all the posts above -- I realise more each day that as long as I am doing the next right thing for me, that is enough.

This all makes me terribly uncomfortable as I am a people pleaser. But trying to make people understand rarely works anyway and tends to knock it up a notch. So now I try to keep my views to myself unless there is a direct impact on me or my kids.

Which gets me to the point. In this case, you were setting boundries about your son. In my case, this would need to be done. And if they dont like it, they will have to respect it and you are the father and if they cant, so be it. You may not convince them, but in my opinion you need to stand your ground.

I relate to this as I have on-going battles with my Ex about my youngest where we have totally different views of what she needs. But here I have no control, but you do.

All the best!

Yes Dropsie, that's exactly what I am too: a people pleaser. It's how I made up for being an alcoholic, as though it would some how neutralize the alcoholic behaviour.

I still feel paralyzed by anxiety that this issue isn't resolved. I need to find some way to be OK with that and just carry on.

I don’t mean to pry, but do you want to tell us more specifically what boundaries you’ve set and why that’s ripping you up?

If you don’t want to share that here, even if you do, it would be good for you to find an impartial person you trust to talk with.

Hi O - it’s regarding accessing my son through my ex-wife, whom I’m in a bitter legal dispute with. She’s been an absolute nightmare to deal with since our divorce, and has made our lives very difficult.

I know opinions will be divided on a topic such as this, so I don’t really feel I have the strength to debate it here.

the good news is that I had a productive conversation with my mother about this, and she has agreed to support me in this.