Does this sound familiar to anyone?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 7
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
I wrote this about when I was really struggling, it's called 'This is Me.'
It’s 7:06am and I am sitting on the toilet waiting for a bowel movement that will not come. My head is pounding, my body is dried out, and I am physically exhausted. The fourteen beers I consumed the previous evening have poisoned my mind and body. My insides struggle, I get up and walk naked through my dingy apartment to the refrigerator. Two more cold beers wait with promise. I grab the beers and head back to the bathroom.
Back on the toilet the sickness grows in my stomach but I pop the top and know what has to be done. I lift the bottle to my dry mouth and take deep consuming chugs cleaning out half the bottle. I set the bottle on the counter and put my head in my hands…I think to myself, “how and the hell am I going to get through this day…”
The morning light is beginning to creep below the bathroom door as I finish my second beer, and after great effort squeeze out a marble sized piece of excrement. I take a quick rinse in the hot shower and get dressed in my work clothes. My pants are extra tight around the waste and I feel dry and bloated. I pass the trash can full to the brim with beer bottles and day old food containers. Pizza boxes are piled by the door and toppling over to the side. My body twinges with disgust as I open and walk out the front door.
I blast 90’s rock and try to feel good about the day as I make the five minute drive to work. Here I am, walking into the door at work…the only thing on my mind is coming down from the minimal high I have now. A half hour of hell, but now it’s 8:00am and I look around…no-one seems to be watching. I slink out the back door, jump in my car and drive a minute to the corner gas station…a twelve pack should do the trick. Back in the car and back to work. I return through the back door to my work area and look around…no-one seems to notice or care, good for me.
And so the day goes, the din of tools, car horns, hammering…I sweat alcohol from every pore in the summer heat. Every hour I head to my car and have a beer or two…just to stay up, avoiding the tiredness and depression of the fall. At lunchtime I sit in my car for an hour and have four, vaguely remembering purging the greasy pizza and wings I had last night into the toilet. The seventy dollars I spent on ****** food and booze for one night just doesn’t matter, all I can think about is sleep.
It’s 4:30 and the work day is done. I stop at the corner store for another twelve then drunkenly swerve home through the back neighborhoods with a beer in the console, I make it.
I strip down and hop in the shower, beer in hand I contemplate which food I am going to order tonight…I’m feeling garlic wings and a large pepperoni pizza. Clean and out of the shower I glimpse myself in the bathroom mirror and a wave of shame envelopes me, another beer will help.
I jump on the couch with my feet on the coffee table and call the local pizza joint. I know the number by heart and they jump at the order, they apparently know a happy drunk is a good tipper. The garlic wings and pizza…Hmm…Yes, let’s do the wings and pizza…but throw in macaroni salad and mozzarella sticks too please. I turn on the TV and hope there is something good to watch while I enjoy my greasy food selections.
My once toned chest almost sits on my now protruding stomach. I could easily pass for a woman in her third trimester. My mind wanders back to when having a drink wasn’t even a thought; Middle school sleepovers in tree forts, Cross-country in high school, avid mountain biking, my first muscle car, an overall happiness and drive about life. I have another beer or two and try to forget about my old life and the friends I had in it.
I’m sure it’s my selfish mind, but thinking about what my once friends are doing with their lives really rubs me the wrong way. My old pot smoking, beer drinking, sometimes super idiotic friends have made something of their lives. Big houses, families, yards with dogs, barbecues…Officers in the United States Military, and world record setting race car drivers. I think about them every day, and the thought that occurs most to me is…It should have been me. Then the doorbell rings.
It’s 7:06am and I am sitting on the toilet waiting for a bowel movement that will not come. My head is pounding, my body is dried out, and I am physically exhausted. The fourteen beers I consumed the previous evening have poisoned my mind and body. My insides struggle, I get up and walk naked through my dingy apartment to the refrigerator. Two more cold beers wait with promise. I grab the beers and head back to the bathroom.
Back on the toilet the sickness grows in my stomach but I pop the top and know what has to be done. I lift the bottle to my dry mouth and take deep consuming chugs cleaning out half the bottle. I set the bottle on the counter and put my head in my hands…I think to myself, “how and the hell am I going to get through this day…”
The morning light is beginning to creep below the bathroom door as I finish my second beer, and after great effort squeeze out a marble sized piece of excrement. I take a quick rinse in the hot shower and get dressed in my work clothes. My pants are extra tight around the waste and I feel dry and bloated. I pass the trash can full to the brim with beer bottles and day old food containers. Pizza boxes are piled by the door and toppling over to the side. My body twinges with disgust as I open and walk out the front door.
I blast 90’s rock and try to feel good about the day as I make the five minute drive to work. Here I am, walking into the door at work…the only thing on my mind is coming down from the minimal high I have now. A half hour of hell, but now it’s 8:00am and I look around…no-one seems to be watching. I slink out the back door, jump in my car and drive a minute to the corner gas station…a twelve pack should do the trick. Back in the car and back to work. I return through the back door to my work area and look around…no-one seems to notice or care, good for me.
And so the day goes, the din of tools, car horns, hammering…I sweat alcohol from every pore in the summer heat. Every hour I head to my car and have a beer or two…just to stay up, avoiding the tiredness and depression of the fall. At lunchtime I sit in my car for an hour and have four, vaguely remembering purging the greasy pizza and wings I had last night into the toilet. The seventy dollars I spent on ****** food and booze for one night just doesn’t matter, all I can think about is sleep.
It’s 4:30 and the work day is done. I stop at the corner store for another twelve then drunkenly swerve home through the back neighborhoods with a beer in the console, I make it.
I strip down and hop in the shower, beer in hand I contemplate which food I am going to order tonight…I’m feeling garlic wings and a large pepperoni pizza. Clean and out of the shower I glimpse myself in the bathroom mirror and a wave of shame envelopes me, another beer will help.
I jump on the couch with my feet on the coffee table and call the local pizza joint. I know the number by heart and they jump at the order, they apparently know a happy drunk is a good tipper. The garlic wings and pizza…Hmm…Yes, let’s do the wings and pizza…but throw in macaroni salad and mozzarella sticks too please. I turn on the TV and hope there is something good to watch while I enjoy my greasy food selections.
My once toned chest almost sits on my now protruding stomach. I could easily pass for a woman in her third trimester. My mind wanders back to when having a drink wasn’t even a thought; Middle school sleepovers in tree forts, Cross-country in high school, avid mountain biking, my first muscle car, an overall happiness and drive about life. I have another beer or two and try to forget about my old life and the friends I had in it.
I’m sure it’s my selfish mind, but thinking about what my once friends are doing with their lives really rubs me the wrong way. My old pot smoking, beer drinking, sometimes super idiotic friends have made something of their lives. Big houses, families, yards with dogs, barbecues…Officers in the United States Military, and world record setting race car drivers. I think about them every day, and the thought that occurs most to me is…It should have been me. Then the doorbell rings.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Welcome -- great post.
We have all been there in one form or another. One specific point that caught my eye is your reference to your old friends. I am older than you and my experience is that the ones that seem like they are doing so great, may not be, and no matter where you are now, you can be whereever you were meant to be with a little time, TLC and sobriety.
Come on over to the other side, the view is fine.
We have all been there in one form or another. One specific point that caught my eye is your reference to your old friends. I am older than you and my experience is that the ones that seem like they are doing so great, may not be, and no matter where you are now, you can be whereever you were meant to be with a little time, TLC and sobriety.
Come on over to the other side, the view is fine.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 7
Thanks for the replies! That was my life a few years back, I have improved a significant amount since, but covid and isolation are making things a little worse. I couldn't get two days sober before, I have grown a great amount since...but the struggle is still there.
My day is going great fini...how about you?
My day is going great fini...how about you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
You know that you never ever have to go this thru
alone or by yourself even tho it seems like you are.
Many have found someone in recovery to hold onto,
following in their footsteps seeking continuous sobriety
and recovery and being successful in it.
Back in 1990, I was in my addiction balancing it with
marriage and a family and didnt realize I was in one.
Even after hitting a concrete culvert sitting on top the
ground and spending 10 days in the hospital pretty
banged up with it taking about 3 months to recovery
well.
I turned around and started drinking right where I left
off and this time I wanted to end my miserable life and
failure as a wife and mom and not being able to get off
the merry go round of insanity that goes with addiction.
I wasnt educated enough on addiction and it affects
on me and thus thought i had built up a strong resistance
to alcohol and could drink anyone under the table without
major consequences to follow.
With help, concern and love from family, they stepped
in placing me into the hands of those capable of teaching
me about addiction and it's affects on my own mind and
body as well as those around me.
It was back in Aug. 1990 that I began my recovery journey
beginning in a 28 day rehab facility with a 6 week aftercare
program attached before i was on my own.
This valuable knowledge of addiction and the gift of a recovery
program incorporated in all areas of my life would promise me
freedom from my addiction each day I remained sober as well
as achieving many of lifes wonderful gifts like health, happiness,
and honest to name a few.
That journey began some 30 yrs ago and from there I never
found it necessary to pick up a drink of alcohol or think that
it would make my life any better if i did.
Sure there have been ups and down in life, because that's
what it is, life. Not everyday is gonna run smoothly or without
struggles because there are those days like that.
However, with the right tools and knowledge I have learned
thru out the years, I know how to cope with those struggles
without reaching for poison that would ultimately lead me
back to those crazy hazy drunken consequences filled with
remorse, shame, guilt and so much more.
Just heavy baggage I carried on my shoulders for so long.
There is a freedom waiting for you and those days you
can hike, run, do whatever you like and become the best
person you can possible be today, like so many already
are experiencing today.
Throw away the alcohol, get into recovery even if it means
taking time out of work and placing yourself into the hands
of others to teach you and hand you the gift of recovery to
live your life upon for yrs to come.
Sending support, care and understanding your way.
alone or by yourself even tho it seems like you are.
Many have found someone in recovery to hold onto,
following in their footsteps seeking continuous sobriety
and recovery and being successful in it.
Back in 1990, I was in my addiction balancing it with
marriage and a family and didnt realize I was in one.
Even after hitting a concrete culvert sitting on top the
ground and spending 10 days in the hospital pretty
banged up with it taking about 3 months to recovery
well.
I turned around and started drinking right where I left
off and this time I wanted to end my miserable life and
failure as a wife and mom and not being able to get off
the merry go round of insanity that goes with addiction.
I wasnt educated enough on addiction and it affects
on me and thus thought i had built up a strong resistance
to alcohol and could drink anyone under the table without
major consequences to follow.
With help, concern and love from family, they stepped
in placing me into the hands of those capable of teaching
me about addiction and it's affects on my own mind and
body as well as those around me.
It was back in Aug. 1990 that I began my recovery journey
beginning in a 28 day rehab facility with a 6 week aftercare
program attached before i was on my own.
This valuable knowledge of addiction and the gift of a recovery
program incorporated in all areas of my life would promise me
freedom from my addiction each day I remained sober as well
as achieving many of lifes wonderful gifts like health, happiness,
and honest to name a few.
That journey began some 30 yrs ago and from there I never
found it necessary to pick up a drink of alcohol or think that
it would make my life any better if i did.
Sure there have been ups and down in life, because that's
what it is, life. Not everyday is gonna run smoothly or without
struggles because there are those days like that.
However, with the right tools and knowledge I have learned
thru out the years, I know how to cope with those struggles
without reaching for poison that would ultimately lead me
back to those crazy hazy drunken consequences filled with
remorse, shame, guilt and so much more.
Just heavy baggage I carried on my shoulders for so long.
There is a freedom waiting for you and those days you
can hike, run, do whatever you like and become the best
person you can possible be today, like so many already
are experiencing today.
Throw away the alcohol, get into recovery even if it means
taking time out of work and placing yourself into the hands
of others to teach you and hand you the gift of recovery to
live your life upon for yrs to come.
Sending support, care and understanding your way.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Welcome aboard RLee
I think everyone can identify with some aspect of the day you described - it seemed to tick most boxes for me.
I don't miss those days at all...The past is done tho - I look forward now
That was not an authentic way for me to live. The real me emerged again when I left drinking behind.
This place helped me a lot in that - I know we can help you too
D
I think everyone can identify with some aspect of the day you described - it seemed to tick most boxes for me.
I don't miss those days at all...The past is done tho - I look forward now
That was not an authentic way for me to live. The real me emerged again when I left drinking behind.
This place helped me a lot in that - I know we can help you too
D
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
What a wonderful post! It’s not wonderful what addiction can do, or the shame that surrounds it.
what’s wonderful is that you are here, on SR, and reaching out.
and selfishly, your post helps me remember where I’ve been very recently, and reminds me where i don’t want to be, and don’t have to be either.
we can do this!
what’s wonderful is that you are here, on SR, and reaching out.
and selfishly, your post helps me remember where I’ve been very recently, and reminds me where i don’t want to be, and don’t have to be either.
we can do this!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
