rough time
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 167
rough time
i haven't been here in 3 years or maybe 4... just ended up drinking more often than not.. 3 years of almost daily drinking what a terrible cycle of self destruction, add on to that the cigarette smoking, only when having a few pints. at 55 it catches up to me quickly. esp now i'm doing a manual labour / trade job that i HATE. Maybe in october/november i started to ride my bike on the trainer a few times a week and then i bought a treadmill that i walked on every other day... things were going ok until about Christmas and i thought 'hey you've been good, you feel good, you should reward yourself' so i got a few beers and some smokes... and that was ?3 weeks ago, and now i feel like complete crap again. and of course there's the stress of the Covid in every aspect of life. ... today i flushed the cigs down the crappr and poured out the remaining beers, then a short 40 min walk on the treadmill some healthy food and lots of water, hoping to wake up sunday and get er done again, maybe an hour on the cycle trainer, nice and slow. ... if there was any doubt before, now there is no doubt I am an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 2,695
Good job getting back into quitting and flushing/dumping. I have similar struggles with alcohol and cigarettes. I hear recovery isn't linear but it sounds like you've you've had some good time periods recently. You can do this, WE can do this! The newcomers thread is probably a bit more active if you feel the need for more support😊
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,382
Sounds like you're off to a good sober start there, Bob4x4. Keep doing the right things every day like that, no alcohol, eating right, exercising. And be patient with your body and your mind as they adjust to this new reality. Gonna take a lot of time and sustained effort to change but it's very doable and worth the trouble. Hang in there.
Btw my dad had an old green pickup that looked a lot like the one in your avatar. His was a 64 Chevy that he just sold this summer, so he had it for a few decades there. Still runs I think!
Btw my dad had an old green pickup that looked a lot like the one in your avatar. His was a 64 Chevy that he just sold this summer, so he had it for a few decades there. Still runs I think!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
It is critical to your recovery that when your alcoholic voice tells you "just have a few and reward yourself" it is an absolute lie. The cravings are a chemical reaction in your brain because of years of drinking. If you start romanticizing the drink again tell yourself it is as crazy as thinking" I can't wait to get hit by a car again". It truly is that ludicrous. The destruction is similar.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Glad you're back, Bob. In my experience, it never ever gets better, only worse.
The tricky thing for me was that moment of release/relief when I decided to drink - my entire being seemed to crave that feeling at times. I've learned to stay at least two steps away from even considering drinking, because if the debate begins, I am already lost.
I never drink now. As it is always now, I never drink.
I dunno, works for me.
O
The tricky thing for me was that moment of release/relief when I decided to drink - my entire being seemed to crave that feeling at times. I've learned to stay at least two steps away from even considering drinking, because if the debate begins, I am already lost.
I never drink now. As it is always now, I never drink.
I dunno, works for me.
O
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 525
Thanks for sharing. Glad you are here. Please know that you don't ever have to drink/drug again.
Perhaps you are what I refer to as a "real alcoholic." The thing about being a real alcoholic (as I have come to understand that label), is that there is no hope for me outside fully giving myself to the program of Alcoholic Anonymous. It took me 15+ years of relapsing to figure this out for myself. On the one hand, it seems impossible that there could only be one solution. The Big Book itself suggests it only offers one of many possible solutions. But on the other hand, one could argue that it is pure arrogance for an alcoholic to insist that they should get to choose their solution like they are showing up at a Sunday buffet line. There's actually nothing that requires we have available any solution at all -- and for many that was the case before A.A. came along. In addition, I have come to understand the Big Book's references to other solutions as meaning other solutions will be offered and sought, and they may work for some, but that doesn't exclude the possibility that there is a type of alcoholic/addict for whom A.A. is the only solution.
I was told that if I am a real alcoholic of this variety, then my journey of recovery starts with committing to following these 5 instructions:
1. 90 meetings in 90 days.
2. Get a home group and a service commitment.
3. Read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, highlighting everything that jumps out at you (i.e., where you identify with the thoughts, feelings, and actions conveyed in the text).
4. Call your sponsor every day. (This obviously requires you to have a sponsor – and s/he should be someone who (1) knows precisely where the instructions for each Step are in the Big Book and (2) has gone through those Steps as outlined in the Big Book themselves.)
5. Ask God every morning to keep you clean and sober; thank Him every evening for keeping you clean and sober. Both these prayers are to be done on your knees. (Importantly, this doesn't require you to believe anything. You can be an atheist and still follow these instructions.)
Thanks for letting me share. God bless.
Perhaps you are what I refer to as a "real alcoholic." The thing about being a real alcoholic (as I have come to understand that label), is that there is no hope for me outside fully giving myself to the program of Alcoholic Anonymous. It took me 15+ years of relapsing to figure this out for myself. On the one hand, it seems impossible that there could only be one solution. The Big Book itself suggests it only offers one of many possible solutions. But on the other hand, one could argue that it is pure arrogance for an alcoholic to insist that they should get to choose their solution like they are showing up at a Sunday buffet line. There's actually nothing that requires we have available any solution at all -- and for many that was the case before A.A. came along. In addition, I have come to understand the Big Book's references to other solutions as meaning other solutions will be offered and sought, and they may work for some, but that doesn't exclude the possibility that there is a type of alcoholic/addict for whom A.A. is the only solution.
I was told that if I am a real alcoholic of this variety, then my journey of recovery starts with committing to following these 5 instructions:
1. 90 meetings in 90 days.
2. Get a home group and a service commitment.
3. Read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, highlighting everything that jumps out at you (i.e., where you identify with the thoughts, feelings, and actions conveyed in the text).
4. Call your sponsor every day. (This obviously requires you to have a sponsor – and s/he should be someone who (1) knows precisely where the instructions for each Step are in the Big Book and (2) has gone through those Steps as outlined in the Big Book themselves.)
5. Ask God every morning to keep you clean and sober; thank Him every evening for keeping you clean and sober. Both these prayers are to be done on your knees. (Importantly, this doesn't require you to believe anything. You can be an atheist and still follow these instructions.)
Thanks for letting me share. God bless.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by SnazzyDresser 
Sounds like you're off to a good sober start there, Bob4x4. Keep doing the right things every day like that, no alcohol, eating right, exercising. And be patient with your body and your mind as they adjust to this new reality. Gonna take a lot of time and sustained effort to change but it's very doable and worth the trouble. Hang in there.
Btw my dad had an old green pickup that looked a lot like the one in your avatar. His was a 64 Chevy that he just sold this summer, so he had it for a few decades there. Still runs I think!
Btw my dad had an old green pickup that looked a lot like the one in your avatar. His was a 64 Chevy that he just sold this summer, so he had it for a few decades there. Still runs I think!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by Gettingcloser
It is critical to your recovery that when your alcoholic voice tells you "just have a few and reward yourself" it is an absolute lie. The cravings are a chemical reaction in your brain because of years of drinking. If you start romanticizing the drink again tell yourself it is as crazy as thinking" I can't wait to get hit by a car again". It truly is that ludicrous. The destruction is similar.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by Obladi
Glad you're back, Bob. In my experience, it never ever gets better, only worse.
The tricky thing for me was that moment of release/relief when I decided to drink - my entire being seemed to crave that feeling at times. I've learned to stay at least two steps away from even considering drinking, because if the debate begins, I am already lost.
I never drink now. As it is always now, I never drink.
I dunno, works for me.
O
The tricky thing for me was that moment of release/relief when I decided to drink - my entire being seemed to crave that feeling at times. I've learned to stay at least two steps away from even considering drinking, because if the debate begins, I am already lost.
I never drink now. As it is always now, I never drink.
I dunno, works for me.
O
Getting older for me means getting more bitter more lonely more jaded, making it just way easier to say F-it ... the AV is the only voice i hear, life has beaten me down that i no longer have goals i feel i can attain. It's a snake eating its own tail situation. well not today, i'll let go of my tail for a bit, do some painting and get my fat arse on the Zwift for an hour. lots of water, vitamins and good food today.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by novips
Thanks for sharing. Glad you are here. Please know that you don't ever have to drink/drug again.
Perhaps you are what I refer to as a "real alcoholic." The thing about being a real alcoholic (as I have come to understand that label), is that there is no hope for me outside fully giving myself to the program of Alcoholic Anonymous. It took me 15+ years of relapsing to figure this out for myself. On the one hand, it seems impossible that there could only be one solution. The Big Book itself suggests it only offers one of many possible solutions. But on the other hand, one could argue that it is pure arrogance for an alcoholic to insist that they should get to choose their solution like they are showing up at a Sunday buffet line. There's actually nothing that requires we have available any solution at all -- and for many that was the case before A.A. came along. In addition, I have come to understand the Big Book's references to other solutions as meaning other solutions will be offered and sought, and they may work for some, but that doesn't exclude the possibility that there is a type of alcoholic/addict for whom A.A. is the only solution.
I was told that if I am a real alcoholic of this variety, then my journey of recovery starts with committing to following these 5 instructions:
1. 90 meetings in 90 days.
2. Get a home group and a service commitment.
3. Read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, highlighting everything that jumps out at you (i.e., where you identify with the thoughts, feelings, and actions conveyed in the text).
4. Call your sponsor every day. (This obviously requires you to have a sponsor – and s/he should be someone who (1) knows precisely where the instructions for each Step are in the Big Book and (2) has gone through those Steps as outlined in the Big Book themselves.)
5. Ask God every morning to keep you clean and sober; thank Him every evening for keeping you clean and sober. Both these prayers are to be done on your knees. (Importantly, this doesn't require you to believe anything. You can be an atheist and still follow these instructions.)
Thanks for letting me share. God bless.
Perhaps you are what I refer to as a "real alcoholic." The thing about being a real alcoholic (as I have come to understand that label), is that there is no hope for me outside fully giving myself to the program of Alcoholic Anonymous. It took me 15+ years of relapsing to figure this out for myself. On the one hand, it seems impossible that there could only be one solution. The Big Book itself suggests it only offers one of many possible solutions. But on the other hand, one could argue that it is pure arrogance for an alcoholic to insist that they should get to choose their solution like they are showing up at a Sunday buffet line. There's actually nothing that requires we have available any solution at all -- and for many that was the case before A.A. came along. In addition, I have come to understand the Big Book's references to other solutions as meaning other solutions will be offered and sought, and they may work for some, but that doesn't exclude the possibility that there is a type of alcoholic/addict for whom A.A. is the only solution.
I was told that if I am a real alcoholic of this variety, then my journey of recovery starts with committing to following these 5 instructions:
1. 90 meetings in 90 days.
2. Get a home group and a service commitment.
3. Read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, highlighting everything that jumps out at you (i.e., where you identify with the thoughts, feelings, and actions conveyed in the text).
4. Call your sponsor every day. (This obviously requires you to have a sponsor – and s/he should be someone who (1) knows precisely where the instructions for each Step are in the Big Book and (2) has gone through those Steps as outlined in the Big Book themselves.)
5. Ask God every morning to keep you clean and sober; thank Him every evening for keeping you clean and sober. Both these prayers are to be done on your knees. (Importantly, this doesn't require you to believe anything. You can be an atheist and still follow these instructions.)
Thanks for letting me share. God bless.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by Zura
Good job getting back into quitting and flushing/dumping. I have similar struggles with alcohol and cigarettes. I hear recovery isn't linear but it sounds like you've you've had some good time periods recently. You can do this, WE can do this! The newcomers thread is probably a bit more active if you feel the need for more support😊
But, i will remember that i am still here on the riiiight side of the dirt unlike many others that have either drank themselves to death at a young age or death by misadventure / alcohol related. I am still here.
Very upsetting the other day i learned that both my grandmothers died from lung cancer. One last year at the age of 87 and she never smoked and lived alone for 30 years, the other died maybe 30 years ago at the age of 72, had lung cancer twice. so part of me knows how i will 'go' and is already negatively thinking that, and part of me is wanting to quit smoking anyway and just get back into shape and see what happens.
Stinkin thinkin .... down the rabbit hole... living in fear... indulging in self pity... no way to live any longer.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Bob. Looks like you are doing some good thinking today vs the stinking kind. Once the dust settles maybe start thinking about what you can do for a plan to make this time be the time it sticks?
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Welcome back Bob. Looks like you are doing some good thinking today vs the stinking kind. Once the dust settles maybe start thinking about what you can do for a plan to make this time be the time it sticks?
a few weeks ago i was starting to be able to really spin again and push the wattage up while keeping my HR low and today i could feel the arterial congestion and i could see my heart rate was high while pushing a relatively small wattage. Instead of doing an hour i cut it short at 30 mins.
When i had quit for 10 years before i was on another Quit Drinking forum that had some friendships and comradery and a place to go to read stories and offer help... and now... that it's been gone for a few years i feel just lost, no support, so clearly I can't do operation bootstrap myself anymore, I have to give up and resign myself to having some kind of dedicated sit down meeting somewhere, either in person or a zoom AA meeting. That's the only freaking way I'm going to be able to get out of this hole. Clearly at the age of 55 i can't rely on myself to take care, i need others to beat me over the head with the 12 steps and warning signs and meetings and mantras...
i survived my father dying and witnessing family arguments over money and the family of origin breaking up - and i didn't drink
I got extremely depressed and fought hard to retrain at college for a new career and i didn't drink
i lost work in my freelance career and didn't drink
but when i finally drained all my resources and had to emasculate myself to ask my mother for help i couldn't do it sober.
I'm now doing a job i HATE immensely, dirty nasty construction for mediocre wages, just a means to an end, 55 and tired and i just want to retire asap, but that looks like years and years and years away.
somehow I'm going to either have to come into some funds, or find a way to enjoy the life and the job i have riiiiiiiight now. or find a way out, and I'm running out of time.
so i feel a great deal of pressure, a great deal of loss, regrets, personal failure, and like I've wasted my life - so many mistakes. so the magical thinking that comes with drinking is temporarily great for that... crank some 80s tunes from high school, have a few smokes, remember the good ol days and even daydream about the future... until that 5th or 6th beer and 10th smoke when dam! I'm tired i need to sleep... wake up at 5 am put on the dirty construction clothes from yesterday and drive to the site with all the other happy faces.
so yes i need to find a way to make this reality fun and enjoyable and not a complete emotional and intellectual drain anymore.
a plan for not drinking by doing scheduled meetings, plus exercise and weight loss, will gradually open doors towards finding a way out of this construction stuff?
Free.
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Saskatchewan.
Posts: 2,964
Keep just doing the next right thing Bob.
A plus of being in construction is that we’re often more physically fit than the folks that aren’t.
I wish you luck and strength as you seek your new sober life.
A plus of being in construction is that we’re often more physically fit than the folks that aren’t.
I wish you luck and strength as you seek your new sober life.
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