To get your perspective on this
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To get your perspective on this
Hi, guys. I decided to write here to get opinions from the other side. I’ve got a lot of support and insights in Family and friends forum. If you have time you could read my other threads to get a broad picture of what I will write here.
So in a nutshell, I was (legally still am) married to a drug addict. It all goes as in most of the stories: I didn’t know at first, then I found out, lived in denial, struggled looking at his consuming. Then finally I decided to tell his parents, cuz I couldn’t do it any longer on my own.
He had resentment towards me for that(and still does). After some time I decided to go to another country for work, couldn’t stand that any longer, besides he was all the time telling me he needed to be alone.
He decided to go to rehab. He did that and stayed there for 9 months. Things were going good with us until some point. He started distancing himself, acting like an ass hole with me. As soon as I came back he started ignoring me and treating me even worse.
1,5 months after I came back he came and said he needs to divorce because he can not be in relationship, he needs to focus on his recovery, he can die, he needs to be alone and that it will take him a long time to be able to be in relationship. Cried, told me how much he loves me. I tried for 2 months to let him know I can be there for him and support him, and no need to call it quits. He kept his position.
So I moved out. Didn’t tell him where because don’t see the point. After a while I found out he is in relationship with his own psychologist and sponsor (same person). When I confronted him with that he said those are my “imaginary things”.
He is supposedly clean and not consuming. (In other forum everyone doubt that) Attending meetings every time, working his steps and going to rehab to help doing some work.
So how a person being in recovery can do that? I know that sounds very distant from recovery, but he does believe he is doing all good.
And how often does that happen that a person is involved in the program but keep doing crazy stuff?
So in a nutshell, I was (legally still am) married to a drug addict. It all goes as in most of the stories: I didn’t know at first, then I found out, lived in denial, struggled looking at his consuming. Then finally I decided to tell his parents, cuz I couldn’t do it any longer on my own.
He had resentment towards me for that(and still does). After some time I decided to go to another country for work, couldn’t stand that any longer, besides he was all the time telling me he needed to be alone.
He decided to go to rehab. He did that and stayed there for 9 months. Things were going good with us until some point. He started distancing himself, acting like an ass hole with me. As soon as I came back he started ignoring me and treating me even worse.
1,5 months after I came back he came and said he needs to divorce because he can not be in relationship, he needs to focus on his recovery, he can die, he needs to be alone and that it will take him a long time to be able to be in relationship. Cried, told me how much he loves me. I tried for 2 months to let him know I can be there for him and support him, and no need to call it quits. He kept his position.
So I moved out. Didn’t tell him where because don’t see the point. After a while I found out he is in relationship with his own psychologist and sponsor (same person). When I confronted him with that he said those are my “imaginary things”.
He is supposedly clean and not consuming. (In other forum everyone doubt that) Attending meetings every time, working his steps and going to rehab to help doing some work.
So how a person being in recovery can do that? I know that sounds very distant from recovery, but he does believe he is doing all good.
And how often does that happen that a person is involved in the program but keep doing crazy stuff?
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How often? All the time, in my experience. It's just a program and people are still people, good and bad. I read some of your other posts and think you need to let go of this guy and move on. You seem to have an unhealthy codependency. He lied to you, cheated on you and continued to use while in "the program". If he can even straighten himself out at this point it will take years of work. I hope you are not hoping somehow he will suddenly change at this point.
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Originally Posted by advbike 
How often? All the time, in my experience. It's just a program and people are still people, good and bad. I read some of your other posts and think you need to let go of this guy and move on. You seem to have an unhealthy codependency. He lied to you, cheated on you and continued to use while in "the program". If he can even straighten himself out at this point it will take years of work. I hope you are not hoping somehow he will suddenly change at this point.
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Originally Posted by Mashabo
Hi, guys. I decided to write here to get opinions from the other side. I’ve got a lot of support and insights in Family and friends forum. If you have time you could read my other threads to get a broad picture of what I will write here.
So in a nutshell, I was (legally still am) married to a drug addict. It all goes as in most of the stories: I didn’t know at first, then I found out, lived in denial, struggled looking at his consuming. Then finally I decided to tell his parents, cuz I couldn’t do it any longer on my own.
He had resentment towards me for that(and still does). After some time I decided to go to another country for work, couldn’t stand that any longer, besides he was all the time telling me he needed to be alone.
He decided to go to rehab. He did that and stayed there for 9 months. Things were going good with us until some point. He started distancing himself, acting like an ass hole with me. As soon as I came back he started ignoring me and treating me even worse.
1,5 months after I came back he came and said he needs to divorce because he can not be in relationship, he needs to focus on his recovery, he can die, he needs to be alone and that it will take him a long time to be able to be in relationship. Cried, told me how much he loves me. I tried for 2 months to let him know I can be there for him and support him, and no need to call it quits. He kept his position.
So I moved out. Didn’t tell him where because don’t see the point. After a while I found out he is in relationship with his own psychologist and sponsor (same person). When I confronted him with that he said those are my “imaginary things”.
He is supposedly clean and not consuming. (In other forum everyone doubt that) Attending meetings every time, working his steps and going to rehab to help doing some work.
So how a person being in recovery can do that? I know that sounds very distant from recovery, but he does believe he is doing all good.
And how often does that happen that a person is involved in the program but keep doing crazy stuff?
So in a nutshell, I was (legally still am) married to a drug addict. It all goes as in most of the stories: I didn’t know at first, then I found out, lived in denial, struggled looking at his consuming. Then finally I decided to tell his parents, cuz I couldn’t do it any longer on my own.
He had resentment towards me for that(and still does). After some time I decided to go to another country for work, couldn’t stand that any longer, besides he was all the time telling me he needed to be alone.
He decided to go to rehab. He did that and stayed there for 9 months. Things were going good with us until some point. He started distancing himself, acting like an ass hole with me. As soon as I came back he started ignoring me and treating me even worse.
1,5 months after I came back he came and said he needs to divorce because he can not be in relationship, he needs to focus on his recovery, he can die, he needs to be alone and that it will take him a long time to be able to be in relationship. Cried, told me how much he loves me. I tried for 2 months to let him know I can be there for him and support him, and no need to call it quits. He kept his position.
So I moved out. Didn’t tell him where because don’t see the point. After a while I found out he is in relationship with his own psychologist and sponsor (same person). When I confronted him with that he said those are my “imaginary things”.
He is supposedly clean and not consuming. (In other forum everyone doubt that) Attending meetings every time, working his steps and going to rehab to help doing some work.
So how a person being in recovery can do that? I know that sounds very distant from recovery, but he does believe he is doing all good.
And how often does that happen that a person is involved in the program but keep doing crazy stuff?
You asked how things look from the "other side" - and unfortunately I think it looks the same on this side as what you were seeing - manipulation, lies and probably active using/addiction on his part.
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Looks the same to me from over here. Addicts don't have exclusive rights to be crappy people. Whether he is using or not, sleeping with his sponsor counselor or not, he has told you clearly he is done with the relationship. I know (!) how painful that is, It's confusing when you are confronted with seeing that a person has so clearly used you - at least it was for me. It's as if that concept just did not compute - how could someone I thought was so wonderful (and others seemed to think so too!) really be a total dirt bag? I never did figure that out, though I tried for years.
So how a person being in recovery can do that? I know that sounds very distant from recovery, but he does believe he is doing all good. That's not what recovery looks like to me. But he can certainly believe he's doing just fine. We could spend all day guessing if he's "really" all good, but in the end it doesn't really matter, right?
And how often does that happen that a person is involved in the program but keep doing crazy stuff? The program doesn't straighten crazy people out, addicted or otherwise. The program offers a solution we can use or not use. It's up to the individual person to take appropriate action - or not. That's free will, right?
I hope you are able to let go of this guy. Obsessing is the worst... I've been there and really feel for you.
O
So how a person being in recovery can do that? I know that sounds very distant from recovery, but he does believe he is doing all good. That's not what recovery looks like to me. But he can certainly believe he's doing just fine. We could spend all day guessing if he's "really" all good, but in the end it doesn't really matter, right?
And how often does that happen that a person is involved in the program but keep doing crazy stuff? The program doesn't straighten crazy people out, addicted or otherwise. The program offers a solution we can use or not use. It's up to the individual person to take appropriate action - or not. That's free will, right?
I hope you are able to let go of this guy. Obsessing is the worst... I've been there and really feel for you.
O
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Thanks, Obladi
I know (!) how painful that is, It's confusing when you are confronted with seeing that a person has so clearly used you - at least it was for me. It's as if that concept just did not compute - how could someone I thought was so wonderful (and others seemed to think so too!) really be a total dirt bag? I never did figure that out, though I tried for years.
Yep, those are exactly my thoughts. Thanks for your insight, it does makes sense that program just offers a solution, the rest is how hard you work on yourself.
I hope I can let go of it soon, and my mind stop wondering around. I don’t have any desire to reach out to him and that’s a relief. Trying my best to focus on me and what I want in my life!
I know (!) how painful that is, It's confusing when you are confronted with seeing that a person has so clearly used you - at least it was for me. It's as if that concept just did not compute - how could someone I thought was so wonderful (and others seemed to think so too!) really be a total dirt bag? I never did figure that out, though I tried for years.
Yep, those are exactly my thoughts. Thanks for your insight, it does makes sense that program just offers a solution, the rest is how hard you work on yourself.
I hope I can let go of it soon, and my mind stop wondering around. I don’t have any desire to reach out to him and that’s a relief. Trying my best to focus on me and what I want in my life!
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I haven't read any of your other posts but for me as an alcoholic in recovery an reading just your side of the story, his is not a recovery I would want.
My experience in working the 12 steps is that I need to be honest. I also need to work on my resentments and look at my part in them and of I have harmed someone then I need to make an amend and if I haven't caused harm but am still resentful , to forgive. doesnt sound like he is being honest and it doesnt sound like he has looked at his resentment and either made an amend to you or forgiven you.
I can tell you I am powerless over other people's behaviours. I can only work on my own. I would suggest detaching with love and look after yourself. Sounds like you deserve it.
🙏♥️🙏
My experience in working the 12 steps is that I need to be honest. I also need to work on my resentments and look at my part in them and of I have harmed someone then I need to make an amend and if I haven't caused harm but am still resentful , to forgive. doesnt sound like he is being honest and it doesnt sound like he has looked at his resentment and either made an amend to you or forgiven you.
I can tell you I am powerless over other people's behaviours. I can only work on my own. I would suggest detaching with love and look after yourself. Sounds like you deserve it.
🙏♥️🙏
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Originally Posted by snitch
I haven't read any of your other posts but for me as an alcoholic in recovery an reading just your side of the story, his is not a recovery I would want.
May I ask , is he working a 12 step programme?
My experience in working the 12 steps is that I need to be honest. I also need to work on my resentments and look at my part in them and of I have harmed someone then I need to make an amend and if I haven't caused harm but am still resentful , to forgive. doesnt sound like he is being honest and it doesnt sound like he has looked at his resentment and either made an amend to you or forgiven you.
I can tell you I am powerless over other people's behaviours. I can only work on my own. I epyld perhaps suggest detaching with love and look after yourself. Sounds like you deserve it.
🙏♥️🙏
May I ask , is he working a 12 step programme?
My experience in working the 12 steps is that I need to be honest. I also need to work on my resentments and look at my part in them and of I have harmed someone then I need to make an amend and if I haven't caused harm but am still resentful , to forgive. doesnt sound like he is being honest and it doesnt sound like he has looked at his resentment and either made an amend to you or forgiven you.
I can tell you I am powerless over other people's behaviours. I can only work on my own. I epyld perhaps suggest detaching with love and look after yourself. Sounds like you deserve it.
🙏♥️🙏
Answering your question he is working 12 steps program and by now I guess he should be in his 7th or 8th, cuz he finished 6th step.
Detaching with love is a great suggestion, thank you very much. I’ll be doing everything possible to do that and let it all go!
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Step 9 is making amends so you may get one yet. Either way it doesnt sound like he has been honest with you so far.
I had to let someone go from my life. I wasnt married to him, in fact it was only really a brief affair. He was in recovery too but I felt his recovery programme and his actions didn't match up and that he wasn't being honest with me and it was affecting me in a negative way so I had to let go and let God and I had to really pray for him. I prayed that he would find peace and happiness with the right person but that person was not me. I prayed he would receive everything in his life that I would want in mine. I allowed myself to forgive him. For having flaws. For not being perfect. For being a human being. And I did all of that for my benefit not his. Because I wanted to be free. I did not want him taking up space in my head. I didn't want a hardened heart full of resentment and anger, over something I had no control of. I didnt want my self esteem to suffer. If I wasn't the right person for him then he certainly wasn't the right person for me and that's ok. I did this over and over until I felt no hurt or resentment. Don't ask me how it works, lt just does.. I also believe that rejection is God's protection. Your Higher Power, whether you have one or not, has something bigger and better planned for you and removing your ex is just the beginning of good things to come.
Have faith
♥️🙏
I had to let someone go from my life. I wasnt married to him, in fact it was only really a brief affair. He was in recovery too but I felt his recovery programme and his actions didn't match up and that he wasn't being honest with me and it was affecting me in a negative way so I had to let go and let God and I had to really pray for him. I prayed that he would find peace and happiness with the right person but that person was not me. I prayed he would receive everything in his life that I would want in mine. I allowed myself to forgive him. For having flaws. For not being perfect. For being a human being. And I did all of that for my benefit not his. Because I wanted to be free. I did not want him taking up space in my head. I didn't want a hardened heart full of resentment and anger, over something I had no control of. I didnt want my self esteem to suffer. If I wasn't the right person for him then he certainly wasn't the right person for me and that's ok. I did this over and over until I felt no hurt or resentment. Don't ask me how it works, lt just does.. I also believe that rejection is God's protection. Your Higher Power, whether you have one or not, has something bigger and better planned for you and removing your ex is just the beginning of good things to come.
Have faith
♥️🙏
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Originally Posted by snitch
Step 9 is making amends so you may get one yet. Either way it doesnt sound like he has been honest with you so far.
I had to let someone go from my life. I wasnt married to him, in fact it was only really a brief affair. He was in recovery too but I felt his recovery programme and his actions didn't match up and that he wasn't being honest with me and it was affecting me in a negative way so I had to let go and let God and I had to really pray for him. I prayed that he would find peace and happiness with the right person but that person was not me. I prayed he would receive everything in his life that I would want in mine. I allowed myself to forgive him. For having flaws. For not being perfect. For being a human being. And I did all of that for my benefit not his. Because I wanted to be free. I did not want him taking up space in my head. I didn't want a hardened heart full of resentment and anger, over something I had no control of. I didnt want my self esteem to suffer. If I wasn't the right person for him then he certainly wasn't the right person for me and that's ok. I did this over and over until I felt no hurt or resentment. Don't ask me how it works, lt just does.. I also believe that rejection is God's protection. Your Higher Power, whether you have one or not, has something bigger and better planned for you and removing your ex is just the beginning of good things to come.
Have faith
♥️🙏
I had to let someone go from my life. I wasnt married to him, in fact it was only really a brief affair. He was in recovery too but I felt his recovery programme and his actions didn't match up and that he wasn't being honest with me and it was affecting me in a negative way so I had to let go and let God and I had to really pray for him. I prayed that he would find peace and happiness with the right person but that person was not me. I prayed he would receive everything in his life that I would want in mine. I allowed myself to forgive him. For having flaws. For not being perfect. For being a human being. And I did all of that for my benefit not his. Because I wanted to be free. I did not want him taking up space in my head. I didn't want a hardened heart full of resentment and anger, over something I had no control of. I didnt want my self esteem to suffer. If I wasn't the right person for him then he certainly wasn't the right person for me and that's ok. I did this over and over until I felt no hurt or resentment. Don't ask me how it works, lt just does.. I also believe that rejection is God's protection. Your Higher Power, whether you have one or not, has something bigger and better planned for you and removing your ex is just the beginning of good things to come.
Have faith
♥️🙏
Wow, that’s a beautiful message. Thank you! It’s wise.
I do pray for him, for God to help him in a way that is needed. I hope to forgive him for everything without waiting for his apology.
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yeah, don’t wait for his apology. or an amend.
since he is doing just fine and good, and the person sponsoring him is also his therapist( i’d report this as a violation of the client-counselor relationship) and his lover(?), clearly his sense of what is right, fine and good and what integrity is really about escapes him at this point.
i am glad you are looking after yourself and taking steps to keep moving in a much better direction.
since he is doing just fine and good, and the person sponsoring him is also his therapist( i’d report this as a violation of the client-counselor relationship) and his lover(?), clearly his sense of what is right, fine and good and what integrity is really about escapes him at this point.
i am glad you are looking after yourself and taking steps to keep moving in a much better direction.
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At the end of the day, people in recovery are still just people. People in recovery can still do some horrible things and I'm sorry for the pain you've been through. It's not the way I'd work my program, but it may be a strangely wrapped gift for you to move on and have someone better in your life.
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Originally Posted by fini
yeah, don’t wait for his apology. or an amend.
since he is doing just fine and good, and the person sponsoring him is also his therapist( i’d report this as a violation of the client-counselor relationship) and his lover(?), clearly his sense of what is right, fine and good and what integrity is really about escapes him at this point.
i am glad you are looking after yourself and taking steps to keep moving in a much better direction.
since he is doing just fine and good, and the person sponsoring him is also his therapist( i’d report this as a violation of the client-counselor relationship) and his lover(?), clearly his sense of what is right, fine and good and what integrity is really about escapes him at this point.
i am glad you are looking after yourself and taking steps to keep moving in a much better direction.
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Originally Posted by turniptheheat
At the end of the day, people in recovery are still just people. People in recovery can still do some horrible things and I'm sorry for the pain you've been through. It's not the way I'd work my program, but it may be a strangely wrapped gift for you to move on and have someone better in your life.
I hope for a better future!
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What do you want for you in life? Does he fit into that equation? Whether he is truly in recovery or not, whether he is using or not, doesn't really matter; because his current and recent behavior is what it is, no matter any underlying issues or things going on. He is showing you his character, believe him when he does. Does he fit into what you want for you?
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I don’t think so, nez. I want peace and happiness, love and respect, support and value. With his I get none those stuff now...I’ve felt much better since I moved out, it’s been hard of course, but I felt more at peace. I started laughing more and got a healthy weight.
Today I sent him a txt giving him a specific date to finally start the divorce as I gave him plenty of time and he takes it for granted. It’s not my country so I want to leave. And as I sent that txt - my body started shaking like crazy and I couldn’t stop for 5 min. My body reaction tells me that I just better stay away from that person! My serenity and my health is much more valuable!
Today I sent him a txt giving him a specific date to finally start the divorce as I gave him plenty of time and he takes it for granted. It’s not my country so I want to leave. And as I sent that txt - my body started shaking like crazy and I couldn’t stop for 5 min. My body reaction tells me that I just better stay away from that person! My serenity and my health is much more valuable!
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Originally Posted by Mashabo
I don’t think so, nez. I want peace and happiness, love and respect, support and value. With his I get none those stuff now...I’ve felt much better since I moved out, it’s been hard of course, but I felt more at peace. I started laughing more and got a healthy weight.
Today I sent him a txt giving him a specific date to finally start the divorce as I gave him plenty of time and he takes it for granted. It’s not my country so I want to leave. And as I sent that txt - my body started shaking like crazy and I couldn’t stop for 5 min. My body reaction tells me that I just better stay away from that person! My serenity and my health is much more valuable!
Today I sent him a txt giving him a specific date to finally start the divorce as I gave him plenty of time and he takes it for granted. It’s not my country so I want to leave. And as I sent that txt - my body started shaking like crazy and I couldn’t stop for 5 min. My body reaction tells me that I just better stay away from that person! My serenity and my health is much more valuable!
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