whitejay

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a very long time - why ? Because I act like a free spirit, immature, childish, nobody's going to hold me down spoiled brat.

I am elderly too. You can just imagine how messed up my life was and still is......Alcohol has had a grip on me for 40 years.

My life has been hard only because I made it hard - I am only just beginning to actually look into myself and see how destructive I have lived my life.

Its funny how I could go so long and never look inward. Just ezy pezy - float around - do my thing - everyone out of my way - don't lock me in...

The shame has set in. Its revolting to me and I have finally decided to go get help. Dr, AA, Counseling, My Higher Power. Anything.

I want to grow up for the first time in my life - Thanks for listening

nez

I can definitely relate to your post. It is my story in so many ways. Growing up is not overrated and it is never too late! Growing up has been a reward, but I still refuse to grow old! I still want to view the world with the eyes of a child, filled with awe and amazement.

whitejay

Drinking a lot and running through life causing chaos is disaster after disaster - legally, financially, ethically morally and I never blinked an eye....
Alcohol kept me frozen in time, never growing, never seeking, just thinking all day when my next drink will come.
Keeps you in the dark - hurting, crying, cleaning up all your dirty deeds the next day while asking God "was I really born this way" ?
And instead of trying everything in your power to change and self regulate, I just poured another drink.

Please dont end up like me - no spouse, no friends, no family, no connections. I wanted it that way for a long long time - Now I can lay in my dirt.
The good news is I want it BAD......I will not drink ever again - Done ! I have to think this way, its my personality - final

nez

No you weren't.
It doesn't have to be like that.
“You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” ― C.S. Lewis.

Erica375

Sixty years old and still learning how to be an adult. It's difficult, sometimes frustrating, but ultimately rewarding.

Erica375

I used to blame my mom until I realized she couldn't teach me what she didn't know. Now I feel compassion for her.

advbike

Shame can be really debilitating. Don't beat yourself up so much, you're doing the best you can to make positive changes. We all take a different path in life, and it is a winding road for sure. I also have had a life outside the societal norms in some ways but for the most part I celebrate it. We are all different and unique.

What was your childhood experience? If there was addiction or trauma in your family it may have influenced the way you view the world and deal with life. If so, please checkout ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics. It really helped me to understand where some of this came from and not beat myself up so much.

advbike

PS - what do you consider elderly? A friend I ride motorcycles with is 75, and in great shape. He recently completed an off road training course on his 1200cc, 600lb adventure bike. I have one too, haha.. that's where my handle (advbike) comes from. I am 65 and still camp, ride motorcycles, and ride bicycles for fitness. I volunteer here locally and also spend half the year in the Philippines with my girlfriend and two kids that I mentor and have in private schools. We have adventures. It's never too late to have a good life and find meaning.

Hevyn

Whitejay - I remember you very well - it's great to have you rejoin us.
I felt exactly the same when I decided to get free. I, too, was frozen in time. During my drinking years I never thought of it that way though. I was very proud of my ability to remain carefree & not weighed down by the things my peers were. I ended up paying dearly for my behavior. At first, the regret was overwhelming - but I had to begin looking at what I still had left. It is joyful to be rid of the burden of alcoholism. The sneaking, lying, deceiving, self-destructiveness. We were our own worst enemies - but it's over. Rejoice.

whitejay

advbike, my father was a introvert alcoholic yet very succcessful. He never spoke. My mother is a narcissistic who had affairs on my father our whole life. He knew about them but did nothing. He was infatuated with her beauty (his words), so he never divorced her. He graduated from Harvard, so it didnt matter how smart he was - he never spoke to me about life - ever. sad.

Hi Hevyn so good to hear from you. I remember you too 🙂

I have no hobbies nor have even been on an adventure. Bikes sound fun !

whitejay

Great quote nez.
Thank you 😶

whitejay

I blamed my mom too.
Still do. Lots of hate which eats me alive. Her and my sister don't really like me, but mit it.

Dee74

Welcome back white jay

Yeah, in many ways I was my own worst enemy. But in finally deciding to grow up and embrace growth and recovery I have found a life I love...heck I even enjoy exercising my adult responsibilities these days - go figure?

This is the me I was born to be, not that other guy.

D

advbike

I'm sorry to hear that whitejay. Dads have a big influence on us and are an important part of a boy's development. I had an absent father - he worked overseas, where we lived until my sister was killed in a plane crash when I was 4. Then we moved back to the states and he stayed there. He was very successful too (an engineer) but alcoholic. And son of an alcoholic. He worked hard, partied hard and chased women, and was proud of it. Those were kind of the times.

When he would visit once a year he was mostly drunk, you could smell the booze when he came off the plane. . Mom did her best but when I came out of high school I was clueless about life, especially from a male perspective. But I discovered that drinking reduced my anxiety so I did that. So began the struggle. I managed to put together a pretty decent career and education, but my relationships were a disaster. I have alcohol use disorder, anxiety, and huge codependent traits.

The key is to stop drinking, then work on the other stuff. Every time I did, things got better, now life is pretty good. I had anger towards my father for many years, and also guilt at not getting back in time when he died of his disease, because I was fully into my own by then. I let go of that resentment and my guilt as best I could by writing him a letter (and reading it aloud to my sponsor) as part of my step work a few years ago. Told him I know he did the best he could and I loved him. It really helped me to do that.

Glad you're back here whitejay. You might want to checkout info about ACOA, in any case keep posting.

whitejay

Good to be back Dee - thank you

advbike, I got teary eyed reading your last post - I am a female, and also a engineer for 34 years. I wish I had my mom and dads love and guidance.
my mom to this day wants Me to stay over there (my little corner of the world) and for her to stay waaaaaayyyyyyyy far away (in her little corner of the world)
no interference in her perfect life...........we are actually on polar opposite coasts....her Pacific, me Atlantic. She still doesnt call. It hurts terribly.
Thanks for opening my eyes

Mizz

You are looking at some things that you don't like about yourself. That is good! All of those "things" can be changed. I find it really imperative that we treat ourselves like we would treat a friend. In fact, we need to treat ourselves like we are our best friend. I certainly would not speak to my best friend with harsh words. I have compassion for you and I hope you will extend some compassion towards yourself.

We have certain behaviors for reasons. I think most of those behaviors are there for survival ....emotional, mental, spiritual and physical. Its okay to look at those behaviors and see how they have been serving you negatively or positively.

As for parental issues....I do believe almost every human on the planet has parental issues. I DO!

Its really good you came here and I think you will find a supportive community of people here that are in your corner!

Zencat

WJ your post echos my outlook in life while active addicted. My life philosophy was to say F-it to everything. I will do as I please and get the F out of my way. Little did I know that my attitude/emotions were grossly imbalanced because of childhood trauma PTSD. I was heavily symptomatic of trauma symptoms (addiction,anxiety,depression) and never knew the cause of it. That is until I went through psychotherapy.

I'm in my mid 60s and have only recently started to do the dirty work of becoming emotionally mature. Addiction can stunt a person emotional maturity. So can trauma.

You can change just keep on trucking

Caramel

I'm glad you're back here, whitejay.
Let the healing begin.

advbike

Thank you whitejay, you have helped me also. I'm sorry to hear of the situation with your mother, I can't imagine how much that hurts. It may resolve in time, but right now just focus on yourself, and check out some of the other resources too. I truly wish you well and hope you stick around!

whitejay

"Little did I know that my attitude/emotions were grossly imbalanced because of childhood trauma PTSD."

This is what I am finally realizing about my childhood. Trauma from being ignored no matter how good I was......wow, took a long time for me to
have self reflection. I was too busy running from the pain.