proudtobehere

I'm mid 50's and have decided that if I can't get myself under control and I'm not going to make it to 60. Covid isolation killed me after 20 mos of sobriety. Not making excuses but it happened, I do good all day until the witching hour and then sell myself that all will be fine. lol that never works as I always overdue it. I sooo want to go back to being sober...experiencing lifes pains and aches but also life's joys. I need to man up and stop making excuses

48heath

Sorry you are struggling,there are thousands of AA Zoom meetings now.Some run 24/7.That would keep you occupied in the evenings.

It doesn’t matter if you are in AA or not.

wishing you well.

Dee74

Hi proudtobehere

staying sober was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It took concerted and continued effort.

Connecting myself here @ SR and finding support - and using it each and every time that I needed support - was a great addiction to my recovery plan.

If I can do this you can do this too

D

Mizz

The only thing you can do is keep trying. It doesnt have to be so sad. You can get back to being sober.
What other tools are you implementing aside from SR? AA? SMART? Therapy?

I found that I needed a bit more help than just this forum. The more tools the merrier.
You can do this. Absolutely.

proudtobehere

Nothing? so clueless

fini

how do you mean, “nothing”?
if you read more on these forums, you will find lots of different ways people have found and are findingvtheir way to sobriety.
no need to remain clueless; more than clues spread all over SR

msl999

You tried sobriety, why not go with permanent abstinence?

proudtobehere

Can't argue with that. I need to reach deep and get hold of myself. AA didn't work for me ( had court mandated AA for a DUI). I just couldn't identify with people who had hit rock bottom. I have lost nothing compared to others here. I have an amazing job, am well respected in my community but only I know my demons and what a loser I am when isolated by myself. I literally wake up each and every day hating how I feel (and believe me I know how good feels during my year and a half of sobriety). I slipped and it's like quicksand. I cannot get myself out? Every day of sobriety is like an amazing gift. I feel SO good! Then I regress. I truly need some help and hoping my God will help me as I have realized I can't do it.

Zencat

AA was not for me either. Secular recovery methods was a better fit to my worldview. Here are some secular programs to practice: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...cular-web.html (Secular Web)

Work a program here at SR and add to it as you move forward.
Work it because your worth it!

msl999

I sent you a PM

saoutchik

If you can manage 20 months sober then you already know what to do and the isolating because of the pandemic is likely to be over by the middle of the year at the very latest.

I was 54 when I quit nearly 6 years ago and like you I did not use AA after the first couple of weeks. I too had gotten to the event horizon where if I didn't stop I was going to die a drunk so we are similar in some respects. You can do it proudtobehere.

anxiousrock

couldn't a DUI be your rock bottom? You don't have to lose everything to get help.
help. The AA online meetings are good. They saved me a few times during quarantine. I relapsed a few times but not as much as I would have without it. Gotta start somewhere

Eddiebuckle

PTBH, I can identify - that was my story for a long time. I knew I was drinking too much, but I surely was not one of those people: I had a good job, a home I owned free and clear, never got a DUI or lost a job over my drinking. What I didn't understand was the progressive nature of alcoholism. The real difference between those low bottom types and me wasn't them being alcoholic and me not, or even the degree of our addiction - the difference was time. If I was honest then I would have recognized that over the course of years my drinking went from social to habitual to heavy to daily. This progression wasn't quick, but it was relentless - and it never reversed, despite the many times I said "never again."

The misleading thing about the term "bottom" is that it implies each of us has a fixed point from which we will bounce back and recover. The truth is many of us follow the progression to the grave, pointing to others who are worse off than we are in some form or fashion.

When I finally quit in 2009 I had never had legal, medical, or career consequences from my drinking. Nevertheless, alcohol had consumed my days and years, left me alone and seething, incapable of love and desperate for it. I knew that I would need to give up booze, and briefly considered suicide as a preferable alternative. Figuring that option would always exist, I admitted myself to rehab - and found myself surrounded by "those people" - whose stories were so much "worse" than mine. Thankfully, in the time I spent there I became open to the possibility that in all the ways that mattered, I was EXACTLY like them. In no small way, being with them saved my life.

If I continue to do the things I was taught at that rehab and in AA once I was discharged, in a few more weeks I will be eleven years sober. In that time, my life has changed in ways I couldn't fathom at the time. I am grateful for each day and whatever it might bring.

You can do this, but first you will need to be open minded to the possibility that what you know may in fact not be 100% true. Be willing to try, even if you believe the things being asked of you seem absurd and unnecessary. And to be honest... you didn't choose to come to this place, but the sum of your choices brought you here none the less. The way out will be as long as the journey it took to get to this place - but God as my witness, it's a journey worth taking.

Good luck - please stay in touch.

proudtobehere

Thank you Eddie. You certainly give me food for thought. Alcohol cost me plenty in my younger years...money, jail etc... I stopped drinking for 20 years ( although subbing marijuana for my addiction). Never got in any trouble with weed, but I quit as my kids got old enough to know what it was. That's when alcohol found an opportunity. Complete sobriety has been elusive, except for a year and a half recently. Not looking to place blame but loneliness is absolutely the issue. I'm now an empty nester, divorced and mostly communicate with my family via text and phone thanks to COVID. I have forgotten the joy I so recently enjoyed waking up each day feeling great and have rationalized that the fun I have each night drinking is worth the hangovers in the AM, tiredness in the afternoon , and headaches early evening before taking that first drink. Truly I wish it were otherwise and as each day goes by I feel like I am losing ground, kinda like in quicksand. Most won't understand why I can't just take charge, and neither can I? I've done it before and really need to just become so disgusted with my life that I give up the buzz life and settle for a much more low key, relaxed and rewarding life. Hoping that tomorrow is that day.

Dee74

hows it going proudtobehere?

D

proudtobehere

Well I did good last night....no alcohol. I felt amazing this morning. Unfortunately I once again justified drinking on the weekend as long as I abstained on the weeknights. Problem is when Sunday night approaches I can't abstain. My body said THANK YOU for the restful nights sleep. I know tonight won't be as good although I can compensate with more hours since it's the weekend. I'm working on how to deal with the washed out feeling even on my sober days. CRAVING entertainment....no excuse but it's a reality. I need restaurants and movies

Dee74

It may not be entertainment but I filled a lot of hours here in my early days, posting for my own problems, reading, or helping others.

Every hour I spent here was an hour I didn't drink, every night I didn't go to the bottle shop was a night I didn't drink.

I hear you about boredom, but honestly man - we've have so many things to fill out lives - hobbies interests, books, DVDs, Netflix etc, music (listening) or playing...all the wonders of the Internet, You Tube, Skype/Zoom/Facetime a friend, play a video game...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ething-do.html (Looking For Something To Do?)

Don't make boredom the hill your recovery dies on - there's always always something better to do than drinking.

Eddiebuckle

We've all been there, and the answer is simple. This is what it means to be an alcoholic - it's not a question of desire, motivation or intelligence. We are either all in or all out, there is no gray area for us when it comes to drinking. I spent a lot of years trying to straddle that fence, trying to have my escape and at the same time shape up. The myth in the search for controlled drinking is that we have the capacity to control it. Once I accepted that control wasn't an option and focused solely on staying sober for that one day, my life began to change for the better.

The first few weeks are definitely the hardest, I am grateful that I went for inpatient treatment for six weeks. Without that structure and support I seriously dubt I would have made it. Not everyone needs that level of support, but if nothing else has worked perhaps it's worth considering.

MelindaFlowers

You had 20 months so you know how this goes. You can do this. In my early days of sobriety I only had one rule for myself - no alcohol. Each day could follow that rule was a win. I found "comfort eating" was the crutch I needed to get through the first bit.

proudtobehere

TRUTH! I can't straddle the line any longer. I have to **** or get off the pot lol. Thanks for the real update Eddie