New here and a question
 

Hi.

I am completely new here. Not sober yet but need to be.

I'm just wondering if anyone here has had personal experience with getting sober along with a partner who is also an alcoholic, getting sober alone WITH an alcoholic partner, or any variation of this theme. Just wondering what some experiences have been like. Particularly, if you were able to both make it work what would you advise? And if you were not able to make it work for both of you what would you advise?

Thank you so much!

You'll find a lot of people in that position here. A lot of sober people in that situation too - so that's proof if you need it that you can be sober and live with a drinker/alcoholic.

In many ways we're all living in a world of drinkers, but it's not impossible to march to the beat of our own drum...

support helps..a lot :)

D

Thank you, Dee. <3

I really am just hoping for hope.

I was able to get sober with a drinking spouse.

I think having a drinking spouse prolonged my drinking. I knew how hard it would be.

basically, if you know you need to quit, and you are determined to do it, it’s about you only. He’s not part of your sobriety. At all. Don’t tie him in to your personal journey. If he feels like his drinking is excessive and he needs to quit, that’s his personal decision too.

I asked my husband to put all the booze away, to stop talking about alcohol and to try not to drink around me. The latter didn’t work so well. Also, most things he likes to do tie in with drinking. His favorite activities are: drinking and gigging (bass player), wine tasting, drinking with his family, and drinking with his friends.

but my sobriety isn’t about him, so that’s not relevant to me.

if you really need it to happen, and you’re at the point where you feel like you don’t want to waste another second of your life, you can quit while your husband still drinks.

it depends on your own readiness, and your own desire to quit. I am still sober, because my sobriety didn’t have anything to do with my husband. I drew a line between us when it came to alcohol. My personal history with alcohol was punishing enough to do this for myself.

I live with two raving alcoholics - dad and stepmom. And I mean raving. A bottle of brandy a day without fail, 7 days a week. Screaming, swearing, extreme racism - each and every day. If I can do it (and I'm almost a year sober - after a bottle of Scotch a day for many years), anyone can.
Best of luck to you, 2much.

Sometimes looking at a drunk person when your sober can encourage you not to drink because you don't want to be like that.

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. <3

scottwindle, I have already noticed on days when I don't start drinking at the same time, or don't drink as heavily, I cannot stand the drunk behavior.

We are both wanting to quit, but you all are right. My journey has to be about ME. Our shared journey can be something else, but I need to take accountability and responsibility for my own choices and my own health and well-being. I guess I'm a little bit nervous that I will be able to conquer this and he won't, at which point I don't know . . . I do believe in him, but if he weren't to take it seriously and get healthier along with me, I just envision so much sadness that I don't want in my life. We will just have to see how it goes.

Hi 2much. I'm so glad you joined us to talk things over. It is difficult when one of you sees clearly the danger of drinking & knows it can't continue. It sounds hopeful that you say you both want to quit. Maybe he'll be encouraged by your example. Try to not look too far down the road. You have friends here who will listen & understand, no matter what. Be proud of yourself for realizing what needs to happen. You can do this.

Agree. I use to think my husband was so well put together when he drank and I was the crazy raging drunk that couldn't handle it. These last few weeks of sobriety have been a real eye opener.

I relapsed more times than I can count. Every time I relapsed, my basic environment hadn't changed. The people around me hadn't changed their drinking habits. My family members hadn't made any changes.

When I finally got sober to stay, my basic environment hadn't changed. The people around me hadn't changed their drinking habits. My family members hadn't made any changes. I was the one who made changes.

I was my biggest stumbling block to recovery. I never made getting sober easy, much less staying sober. At times, I sure did make it harder and it showed in the results. When I started to make changes to my stumbling block, my world started to change. The world is still the same, but I am okay with that. The hard work has been done. Nez is in recovery...and the world didn't have to change for it to happen!

2much,

From what I read here, it may be tricky. He may be fine, even supportive, but he may not -- jealousy and sabotage is not uncommon. He may miss his drinking buddy and it may change the power dynamic when you are sober.

It seems simplistic, but it REALLY needs to be about you. To put it bluntly, and I hope it will never come to that, but for me, being sober had to be more important than my relationship. Because I am more important than any relationship. And at least for me, sobriety was necessary if I was going to live out my time at this rodeo. And for my children.

Having you partner continue to drink a lot will not make it easier, but it can be done. You can do it. Because you can do hard things, we all can.

XXX

PS. Terrific post Nez.

I stopped drinking alcohol while married to a heavy drinker. This may not be the case for everyone, but once I decided I was no longer drinking alcohol it did not matter to me when he drank, where he drank, or whether or not he had it in the house. Because I was not buying it anymore, he naturally drank less. This may sound nuts, but he keeps alcohol in our fridge most days. He drinks much less now. I am unaware of the alcohol. I don't even notice it. Hypothetically, if I wanted alcohol, there are a dozen places within a half mile of my house I could buy it. It had to come from within me, no matter what he or anybody else was doing or not doing.