Notch8

Specifically with toxic people, or people who would not be good for our mental/emotional health and/or our sobriety.

I am struggling with this. The holiday season is soon upon us. Between now and then I have some social activities I must engage in, although I wish I could bail on it.

Its easy for "normies" to tell people like me to "suck it up." But some of these folks are a constant stream of negative vibes. Add to that, I'm doing really well managing the bipolar and I feel like thrusting myself into certain social situations can be an instant trigger.

My wife so far has been 100% supportive. We've both learned the hard way that one bad social engagement can send me into a bad cycle that could last for days. I'm thankful for that.

Thoughts? Experiences?

Dropsie

This is very hard for me. I find it difficult to disengage with people who are damaging for my mental health.
I guess I am wondering about the "must" engage in. What I have learned is that I a not quite as important as I thought and often the world continues to turn even if I step out of the engagement.
So how about pulling a sickie for the things you are worried about. or even just those that wont be fun. I find a well placed fib is sometimes better than having to explain myself.
Someone once gave me great advice. Try and make toxic people the smallest piece of your pie possible. For me, thsi means not engaging -- walkig away. Not winning the fight because I don't have it.
Hope that helps.
Net net, our sobriety has to come first (second and third...)

plop

I think Dropsie's advice is very sound. Just walk away if possible. For me "sucking it up" only makes things worse so I simply avoid toxic people the best I can. After all, we are adults and we have a choice – because of social pressure we sometimes feel we don't, but we do – and no-one can force us to engage with toxic people.

Mizz

I don't think this is about "normies" or us "alcoholics". There are people who are not good for our health no matter the situation. Why "must" you attend these engagements? It is acceptable to put your mental and emotional health first.

There are going to be many other engagements available for you to attend. You are on solid footing right now and your bi-polar is under control. The apprehension you have speaks volumes. Give it some time. We are still weeks away the holidays. Perhaps you can make a decision when the time is closer?

zjw

It was really hard for me to realize that I don’t have to mingle with folks if I don’t want too. I don’t have to listen to everyones opinion or subject myself to the struggle of dealing with someone just cause there family or something. You can say no and walk away. Sometimes you gotta be the bad guy and that’s ok your sanity and sobriety are far to important to put at stake over someone else’s nonsense. There are very few people you really have to tolerate in life. But you always gotta live with yourself. After the social gathering is done and you go back home you gotta deal with yourself not them and if it’s going to set ya off for days or more it’s really just not worth it.

ive head to sever ties with many and set the record straight with others. Some I can’t just cut off so I basicly just ignore them till absolutly necessary and when I feel ok about it.

takes confidence know that your doing it for your benefit and your sanity. I totally can relate even recently I’ve had to tango with someone that set me off for days upon days I kicked and screamed going into it stating to others how you all know this isn’t a healthy option for me. I let them push me into it again and again I paid the price.

I understand where your coming from but you gotta put yourself first your worth it and you can’t let others tell you otherwise. Life’s too short for every one person you cut off and don’t tango with there are plenty more who will be good positive influences in your life. I honestly think I might have too many of those at this point. I never woulda thought that possible before.

want people in your life who build you up or tare you down? It’s pretty easy answer.

biminiblue

I do a lot of "not engaging." In fact it's one of my mantras. I also have learned it's better to try to love them through their mental problems than to look at them as out to get me.

In AA one of the things I heard was, "Some are sicker than others." You may have bipolar, but those difficult people are sick too. They are suffering their own ego distortions. I learned to pray for them. Don't get me wrong, I don't always do it in the moment, but I do it later. It releases ME. In the moment, I walk away when someone annoys me.

Here are the three things I say to myself about a million times a day:

"Don't engage." (with that conversation, that person or that inner thought that is harmful.)
"Mind your own business."
"Love everyone." (Love can be from a distance. I don't have to be around damaging people.)


Not that easy. If I do those things, my life goes pretty well. If I don't, well, let's say something is gonna break, and it's usually me. They are just being who they are.

zjw

Just to add learn your boundaries respect them ! I repeat respect your boundaries! Work within them and it will go a long way at keeping things manageable and keeping you sober and happy.

Notch8

Thanks for the replies, at least I know I'm not overthinking this.

I watch a lot of YouTube vids of former military combat vets, and their struggles in social situations. Not surprisingly, many of them struggle much like we do: they know where the boundaries are and have a plan to get out if those boundaries are breached.

Our struggles as addicts, for the most part, are not visible or well known. We don't walk around with a patch that states "In Recovery: Keep back 500 feet." Therefore, we need to be on the offense. That's my take on the matter, anyway.

Obladi

I'd much rather remain neutral than be on offense or defense with difficult people. Sometimes that neutrality involves some tactical moves, but that's just smart (as long as it's not mean). At least I think it is - smarter still is to recognize which territory I'd be better off avoiding altogether.

Some time ago, I realized that "going home" was a trigger for me and concluded that I wouldn't be capable of doing that again until I'd been sober for at least six months. Well, I've passed that mark and I think I'm capable enough, but it would be a challenge. Because I humbly believe that my sobriety makes the world a better place, I'm ok with staying away until my confidence-meter is closer to 100% than the current 75%.

JK130

I agree with the others. Focus on your own healing with no in-person parties or get togethers. I think you'll find that you don't have to oblige, and that other people really don't care. Next year will be much better! (Fingers crossed that we find a way to manage covid by then.) Be safe!