Daily check in for MIZZ . P
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Daily check in for MIZZ . P
It seems fitting to post in the Alcoholism Forum. I will once again keep my accountability here:
I attended multiple "speaker" meetings today on zoom.
Reached out to a therapist.
Reached out to a friend in AA and asked for "help" with contacts. Big time step there!
Prayed.
Participated on SR
Had a meeting with SO.
On to day 4 tomorrow.
Early morning AA meeting.
The rest will be figured out.... Sober.
MIZZ.
I attended multiple "speaker" meetings today on zoom.
Reached out to a therapist.
Reached out to a friend in AA and asked for "help" with contacts. Big time step there!
Prayed.
Participated on SR
Had a meeting with SO.
On to day 4 tomorrow.
Early morning AA meeting.
The rest will be figured out.... Sober.
MIZZ.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey Mizz P,
Thought I'd come over and help with the christening of your new thread. You'll find a fair number of contacts in AA right here - I'm one of them.
I've got an awful lot of thoughts about AA, but I'm going to show admirable restraint by simply advising that you seek out online meetings that are close to you geographically. That way, you'll develop contacts that you can actually see one day. And also, there's just a flavor to local meetings that is much more genuine to me than those huge meetings have. Have you read the first 164 pages lately?
Congratulations on all of your steps, especially that big one of actually reaching out to someone "in person." That and getting your arse back in your seat here.
O
Thought I'd come over and help with the christening of your new thread. You'll find a fair number of contacts in AA right here - I'm one of them.
I've got an awful lot of thoughts about AA, but I'm going to show admirable restraint by simply advising that you seek out online meetings that are close to you geographically. That way, you'll develop contacts that you can actually see one day. And also, there's just a flavor to local meetings that is much more genuine to me than those huge meetings have. Have you read the first 164 pages lately?
Congratulations on all of your steps, especially that big one of actually reaching out to someone "in person." That and getting your arse back in your seat here.
O
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Day 4
I just attending an online AA meeting. (meeting 5 in two day. Are speaker meetings considered meetings? I attended 4 of those yesterday while scrubbing the house down) I got a bit distracted and looked at my phone for a minute or two and I saw the responses on my post at the Newcomers section. It brought me to tears. Almost weeping. Insert whatever adjective. My eyes were spewing water. I realized how much I have missed the support of all of you.
I appreciate those of you who remember me and who have honestly welcomed me back into the group. I may not know you in person but I do feel like I "know" some of you on a deeper level and there is an immense amount of comfort in the "knowing".
I am so looking forward to a healthier version of Mizz. P
Not the version that existed with my last "go round" of sobriety. I can leave her where she was. Not that I didn't learn a whole lot about myself. I did. Or did I? I stayed sober through a separation, moving out of my home, a suicide, getting fired from a job. It seemed like "LIFE" was really throwing whatever it could in my direction. I stayed sober through it all. Until I didn't. That is okay though. It truly is. I feel a bit split open right now but with enough time and energy put into the right things, Ill be back in action and walking with my head held up in no time. I dont want to say my head held high. It seems too prideful. I want to leave the pride out.
I do remember how I felt alone in my apartment before my relapse. My mental and emotional state took a deep dive into being overwhelmed and I was ruminating. Not in a good way ruminating. I don't know how to describe it but those deeper thoughts were not helping me. I was trying to control everything around me. Now that I look at that time there was so little control with all that was happening and there is always so little control. I mean, we cannot control life. Life has its own agenda. Lord knows I was playing that Janet Jackson son on repeat though. Control.
The lot of you told me to get more support. I could not do that. I could not hear you. I could not get out of my own way of doing things. I was probably 2 weeks shy of a year sober. Maybe a little more. What a ******* bummer. Over the last 13 years I have been able to maintain around 3 years of sobriety. No one likes a quitter. I keep giving it an honest to god, Im not ******* joking, this is serious, i cant go on like this anymore TRY.
Keep on keeping on!
Thanks for being here.
I just attending an online AA meeting. (meeting 5 in two day. Are speaker meetings considered meetings? I attended 4 of those yesterday while scrubbing the house down) I got a bit distracted and looked at my phone for a minute or two and I saw the responses on my post at the Newcomers section. It brought me to tears. Almost weeping. Insert whatever adjective. My eyes were spewing water. I realized how much I have missed the support of all of you.
I appreciate those of you who remember me and who have honestly welcomed me back into the group. I may not know you in person but I do feel like I "know" some of you on a deeper level and there is an immense amount of comfort in the "knowing".
I am so looking forward to a healthier version of Mizz. P
Not the version that existed with my last "go round" of sobriety. I can leave her where she was. Not that I didn't learn a whole lot about myself. I did. Or did I? I stayed sober through a separation, moving out of my home, a suicide, getting fired from a job. It seemed like "LIFE" was really throwing whatever it could in my direction. I stayed sober through it all. Until I didn't. That is okay though. It truly is. I feel a bit split open right now but with enough time and energy put into the right things, Ill be back in action and walking with my head held up in no time. I dont want to say my head held high. It seems too prideful. I want to leave the pride out.
I do remember how I felt alone in my apartment before my relapse. My mental and emotional state took a deep dive into being overwhelmed and I was ruminating. Not in a good way ruminating. I don't know how to describe it but those deeper thoughts were not helping me. I was trying to control everything around me. Now that I look at that time there was so little control with all that was happening and there is always so little control. I mean, we cannot control life. Life has its own agenda. Lord knows I was playing that Janet Jackson son on repeat though. Control.
The lot of you told me to get more support. I could not do that. I could not hear you. I could not get out of my own way of doing things. I was probably 2 weeks shy of a year sober. Maybe a little more. What a ******* bummer. Over the last 13 years I have been able to maintain around 3 years of sobriety. No one likes a quitter. I keep giving it an honest to god, Im not ******* joking, this is serious, i cant go on like this anymore TRY.
Keep on keeping on!
Thanks for being here.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
It's completely up to you whether speaker meetings "count." The 90-in-90 thing is part of AA culture, but it's not part of The Program. What "counts" for me is being in my seat and present for the meeting. Extra points if I show my face so I can't sneak around multi-tasking as I am prone to do even while my seat is firmly planted in my chair.
There's a difference between egocentric pride and pride in oneself. The latter is perfectly ok and healthy. I absolutely believe you learned things during that year of sobriety. No one can take that from you - YOU did that. One of the most essential lessons I learned over the course of this year is that I'm ok; really. However I am and you are today is ok and that's good enough. No need to worry over what we "should" want to be - sober is enough.
Onward.
O
There's a difference between egocentric pride and pride in oneself. The latter is perfectly ok and healthy. I absolutely believe you learned things during that year of sobriety. No one can take that from you - YOU did that. One of the most essential lessons I learned over the course of this year is that I'm ok; really. However I am and you are today is ok and that's good enough. No need to worry over what we "should" want to be - sober is enough.
Onward.
O
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
O,
I want to do this the "big book" way and not the extra stuff that people have implemented and made a part of the culture. Im not sure why I "feel" the need to do 90 in 90. I think this was the suggestion when I got out of rehab 10 years ago. Im just willing to do whatever right now. Get some structure in my already structured life.
The sponsor today asked If I was willing to go to any lengths and my response was "yes, but not jump off a bridge any lengths!' and then laughed. CAUSE THAT WAS A JOKE! The joke didnt go over too well. Tough crowd!
Today felt really present. Restful. Like a Sunday should feel.
I am okay, Obladi. Thank you for saying that. I need to hear it. You are okay! We will be okay. I know this to be truth.
I want to do this the "big book" way and not the extra stuff that people have implemented and made a part of the culture. Im not sure why I "feel" the need to do 90 in 90. I think this was the suggestion when I got out of rehab 10 years ago. Im just willing to do whatever right now. Get some structure in my already structured life.
The sponsor today asked If I was willing to go to any lengths and my response was "yes, but not jump off a bridge any lengths!' and then laughed. CAUSE THAT WAS A JOKE! The joke didnt go over too well. Tough crowd!
Today felt really present. Restful. Like a Sunday should feel.
I am okay, Obladi. Thank you for saying that. I need to hear it. You are okay! We will be okay. I know this to be truth.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Well, I think your bridge joke was funny.
I was/am the same wanting to do things by the book. It took me quite a long time to find a sponsor who was ok with going that route with me. It will be interesting to find what lengths your sponsor suggests.
Glad you had a good Sunday.
I was/am the same wanting to do things by the book. It took me quite a long time to find a sponsor who was ok with going that route with me. It will be interesting to find what lengths your sponsor suggests.
Glad you had a good Sunday.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Nightmare. I don't really ever have them even when drinking. My psyche is telling me what I already know to be factual. I've been killing myself. It could be in a mental/ emotional/ spiritual sense but its happening. (was)
Scene: I am two people. Identical. She is me. I am her. She is chasing me around the house with sharp objects as I am running for my life. She wants me dead. I want to live. The END.
(S.O. was watching Lovecraft Country last night. I caught a scene or two. That could be the reason for the nightmare!)
Good Morning, Mizz!
I am then laying in bed at 4 am wondering if I should get up and start the day? Go for a run? Do the routine. I instead decide that I will sleep as much as possible and go to work. I am okay with this. I'm not allowing myself to feel any regret. I have been steadfast with running and weights for so long now. I think I need to rethink some of these behaviors. I need to allow myself to be okay with just being.
After pondering this nightmare and thinking about my workout routine, I started to think that I may not be comfortable showing myself in AA meetings. May not? I am NOT comfortable. I like the idea of being Anonymous. A black square with the name Anonymous in the middle. I am not ready to show myself to the AA community in my county. I've been invited to attend my sponsors group on Wednesday to meet her sponsee's . This is causing me anxiety. Alcoholic Anonymous is not anonymous around here. People do not keep their mouths shut and they are all up in each others business. I've seen it. I've experienced it. I'm trying to get away from chaos. So, I am going to talk with another person about this and see what their thoughts are. I need to trust myself here....... I am waiting for an email from the therapist. I'm going to bounce this off of a professional.
You guys too? Thoughts?
I may be getting in the way again. I don't know? I am real comfortable with my decision to get sober and being here (SR) has been instrumental in the past and "feels" just as instrumental now.
Scene: I am two people. Identical. She is me. I am her. She is chasing me around the house with sharp objects as I am running for my life. She wants me dead. I want to live. The END.
(S.O. was watching Lovecraft Country last night. I caught a scene or two. That could be the reason for the nightmare!)
Good Morning, Mizz!
I am then laying in bed at 4 am wondering if I should get up and start the day? Go for a run? Do the routine. I instead decide that I will sleep as much as possible and go to work. I am okay with this. I'm not allowing myself to feel any regret. I have been steadfast with running and weights for so long now. I think I need to rethink some of these behaviors. I need to allow myself to be okay with just being.
After pondering this nightmare and thinking about my workout routine, I started to think that I may not be comfortable showing myself in AA meetings. May not? I am NOT comfortable. I like the idea of being Anonymous. A black square with the name Anonymous in the middle. I am not ready to show myself to the AA community in my county. I've been invited to attend my sponsors group on Wednesday to meet her sponsee's . This is causing me anxiety. Alcoholic Anonymous is not anonymous around here. People do not keep their mouths shut and they are all up in each others business. I've seen it. I've experienced it. I'm trying to get away from chaos. So, I am going to talk with another person about this and see what their thoughts are. I need to trust myself here....... I am waiting for an email from the therapist. I'm going to bounce this off of a professional.
You guys too? Thoughts?
I may be getting in the way again. I don't know? I am real comfortable with my decision to get sober and being here (SR) has been instrumental in the past and "feels" just as instrumental now.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I don't do the AA route, but if you want to be Anonymous, I think you should.
Hi Mizz;
As to exercise, maybe easing off your strict expectations for yourself would be good, at least for now.
From my experience--not saying it is for all--I absolutely could not watch something like Lovecraft Country and expect to sleep well--I restrict all negative / violent / toxic media quite a bit these days. My mind needs to have materials to build peace and positivity. For me, dark input results in dark output. Everyone is different, but I read via audiobook and often play some positive content to go to sleep by. I also use nature sounds, meditations etc. off Insight Meditation App.
Hi Mizz;
As to exercise, maybe easing off your strict expectations for yourself would be good, at least for now.
From my experience--not saying it is for all--I absolutely could not watch something like Lovecraft Country and expect to sleep well--I restrict all negative / violent / toxic media quite a bit these days. My mind needs to have materials to build peace and positivity. For me, dark input results in dark output. Everyone is different, but I read via audiobook and often play some positive content to go to sleep by. I also use nature sounds, meditations etc. off Insight Meditation App.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hi Mizz, so good to see you again!
at first i was confused, and kept thinking ugh how odd that someone is using Mizzuno's avatar and also the name Mizz....duh, fini. double duh.
my thoughts are that we are not supposed to be anonymous to each other in AA, but anonymous to the "outside". i hear you on it not being anonymous in your community, however, and that is a different concern than the one of being anonymous to each other.
personally, i don't hold with this whole "meet my other sponsees" business; this, also, should be private. i should not know who sponsors who(m?), or anything of that sort. how can i trust my relationship with my sponsor is private and confidential if i am paraded out to others, and they to me?
this is not the same as general trust-issues about other stuff.
anyway, i'm sorry, this is hard, and you may have difficulties finding a sponsorperson who respects that.
but i also know it was crucial for me to do stuff despite my discomfort. so a suggestion would be to join a cyber meeting or two regularly in a totally different place and show your face there and use your name and not be a black square.
at first i was confused, and kept thinking ugh how odd that someone is using Mizzuno's avatar and also the name Mizz....duh, fini. double duh.
my thoughts are that we are not supposed to be anonymous to each other in AA, but anonymous to the "outside". i hear you on it not being anonymous in your community, however, and that is a different concern than the one of being anonymous to each other.
personally, i don't hold with this whole "meet my other sponsees" business; this, also, should be private. i should not know who sponsors who(m?), or anything of that sort. how can i trust my relationship with my sponsor is private and confidential if i am paraded out to others, and they to me?
this is not the same as general trust-issues about other stuff.
anyway, i'm sorry, this is hard, and you may have difficulties finding a sponsorperson who respects that.
but i also know it was crucial for me to do stuff despite my discomfort. so a suggestion would be to join a cyber meeting or two regularly in a totally different place and show your face there and use your name and not be a black square.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Love Craft Country is not a show that I am able to sit through. Even though I saw a scene or two it was enough for me to say "Ya, No thanks. Im already traumatized enough!" lol
I set some boundaries today with this AA thing. I let the sponsor know that I was not comfortable with the Wednesday meeting. I'm not comfortable in the group texting. A bunch of random people texting in with their indecisiveness and confusion. I do not know one of these people and I don't want to know all that they have going on. It just felt a bit.....intrusive to my personal phone space. I'm a bit on guard right now. I was thinking that If I were a candy I would be a sweet tart. Sweet initially and then your mouth puckers up and the saliva starts to pour due to the intensity of the tart. I'm at the latter end right now with my head space.
I was asked if I would be comfortable to meet one on one. I said "Yes, I am willing to meet one on one" ....Not verbatim. This is my comfort level right now. I do like the suggestions of attending meetings outside the area and not being a black box but showing my face and my name. I'm really getting my feet wet here and testing the temperature. Is this going to any lengths to get sober? Well, I am sober and I am doing things differently so in my estimation I am taking great strides. BIG Strides! Its what I have at the moment.
I took notes of my anxiety today.
Basically was in full anxiety for the better part of the day.
1:00 pm Really anxious
1:30 pm Super Anxious
2:00 pm WOW! I think I cant breathe
2:30 pm Mizz...You are really going for this anxiety thing.
3:00 PM Okay, I cant breathe. This ******* mask. Damn it!
3:30 pm Give it a rest body and mind. We got work to do.
4:00 pm I really need to get to that tea aisle and get an arsenal of calming **** right now.
Even without Alcohol I am for the most part a very anxious individual. Its something I am chronically addressing.
Back to the basics of self care:
Get home.
Take bath
Drink tea
Read
Participate in some form of recovery
Find a show to watch
Wake up without a hangover! Boom!
Another day down, Yo!
I set some boundaries today with this AA thing. I let the sponsor know that I was not comfortable with the Wednesday meeting. I'm not comfortable in the group texting. A bunch of random people texting in with their indecisiveness and confusion. I do not know one of these people and I don't want to know all that they have going on. It just felt a bit.....intrusive to my personal phone space. I'm a bit on guard right now. I was thinking that If I were a candy I would be a sweet tart. Sweet initially and then your mouth puckers up and the saliva starts to pour due to the intensity of the tart. I'm at the latter end right now with my head space.
I was asked if I would be comfortable to meet one on one. I said "Yes, I am willing to meet one on one" ....Not verbatim. This is my comfort level right now. I do like the suggestions of attending meetings outside the area and not being a black box but showing my face and my name. I'm really getting my feet wet here and testing the temperature. Is this going to any lengths to get sober? Well, I am sober and I am doing things differently so in my estimation I am taking great strides. BIG Strides! Its what I have at the moment.
I took notes of my anxiety today.
Basically was in full anxiety for the better part of the day.
1:00 pm Really anxious
1:30 pm Super Anxious
2:00 pm WOW! I think I cant breathe
2:30 pm Mizz...You are really going for this anxiety thing.
3:00 PM Okay, I cant breathe. This ******* mask. Damn it!
3:30 pm Give it a rest body and mind. We got work to do.
4:00 pm I really need to get to that tea aisle and get an arsenal of calming **** right now.
Even without Alcohol I am for the most part a very anxious individual. Its something I am chronically addressing.
Back to the basics of self care:
Get home.
Take bath
Drink tea
Read
Participate in some form of recovery
Find a show to watch
Wake up without a hangover! Boom!
Another day down, Yo!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
way to go on another day, Mizz.
there are also breathing techniques that can work against anxiety.
i know nothing about 5hem, but others will be able to explain if you are not yet familiar, which you probably are.
carry on!
there are also breathing techniques that can work against anxiety.
i know nothing about 5hem, but others will be able to explain if you are not yet familiar, which you probably are.
carry on!
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Thank You, Fini. Yes, today I did some breathing work and breathed through it all. Moments of my having to remove my mask just for a deeper breathe ( under my desk) but I made it. My work is very busy, loud and lots going on at all times. My position is real demanding with people and questions....Just another Manic Monday
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I wouldn't want to do the group text thing either. That was a thing at the sober home I stayed at. Fortunately for me, group texts don't work on my phone. I'd see a bunch of messages going through and eventually ask someone what the conversation was about. Generally it was nothing, really.
I went to the next county over to find meetings that I liked. Although I have no issues being seen around here, I just don't care for the way they "do" AA. Could you maybe try that?
Anxiety... ick. Good idea writing it down. Do you know specifically what sets it off?
How do you feel about mediation?
I went to the next county over to find meetings that I liked. Although I have no issues being seen around here, I just don't care for the way they "do" AA. Could you maybe try that?
Anxiety... ick. Good idea writing it down. Do you know specifically what sets it off?
How do you feel about mediation?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Obladi,
Yes, with Zoom meetings I can go anywhere virtually. I need to look at some options. Review the website again. I'm sticking to the plan for the one on one tomorrow. Keeping that commitment and seeing where it leads. I appreciate that the sponsor accepted my boundary.
Oh, the anxiety and its triggers. What sets it into motion:
Work.
My position does stress me to a great extent. The job is very demanding and the environment is very noisy. There are a million questions to answer all day long. Some days its really hard to catch a breath and a break. Its just nonstop running around making sure all the "things" are done to keep afloat.
Alcohol.
Alcohol helped me to feel better after hectic days. The hectic is more than not. Alcohol also helped with the mundane. It was the one thing that I kept reaching for. Alcohol also produced an extreme amount of anxiety the next day.
Its been a bit of a cluster.
I was thinking today that I would not be so anxious if I could just hear my self think and finish one task without interruption.
Dear Future Desk Job,
I can finally hear my own thoughts. Thank you for allowing me time to complete my work. I am forever grateful and feel accomplished in this moment.
Yours Truly,
Yes, with Zoom meetings I can go anywhere virtually. I need to look at some options. Review the website again. I'm sticking to the plan for the one on one tomorrow. Keeping that commitment and seeing where it leads. I appreciate that the sponsor accepted my boundary.
Oh, the anxiety and its triggers. What sets it into motion:
Work.
My position does stress me to a great extent. The job is very demanding and the environment is very noisy. There are a million questions to answer all day long. Some days its really hard to catch a breath and a break. Its just nonstop running around making sure all the "things" are done to keep afloat.
Alcohol.
Alcohol helped me to feel better after hectic days. The hectic is more than not. Alcohol also helped with the mundane. It was the one thing that I kept reaching for. Alcohol also produced an extreme amount of anxiety the next day.
Its been a bit of a cluster.
I was thinking today that I would not be so anxious if I could just hear my self think and finish one task without interruption.
Dear Future Desk Job,
I can finally hear my own thoughts. Thank you for allowing me time to complete my work. I am forever grateful and feel accomplished in this moment.
Yours Truly,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Day 6
THANK GOD I AM OFF THAT DRUNK TRAIN!
I watched the train pull out of the station and slowly start to move away to an unknown destination. I'm sitting here on my baggage of Life at the terminal. I put on my sunglasses and hat. I look around and see that the sun is shining on my part of the world. I am very grateful to be off that long ass ride of bad decisions, regret, emotional upheaval and all around feeling like ****! No headache this morning.
No nightmares last night.
No stress about my workout this morning.
Day to day living and managing my emotions is how we are going to keep moving forward.
THANK GOD I AM OFF THAT DRUNK TRAIN!
I watched the train pull out of the station and slowly start to move away to an unknown destination. I'm sitting here on my baggage of Life at the terminal. I put on my sunglasses and hat. I look around and see that the sun is shining on my part of the world. I am very grateful to be off that long ass ride of bad decisions, regret, emotional upheaval and all around feeling like ****! No headache this morning.
No nightmares last night.
No stress about my workout this morning.
Day to day living and managing my emotions is how we are going to keep moving forward.
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