Mizz

And....
Once I made it out of that feeling....I just kept going. Im not implying that every time I consumed alcohol I was escaping a feeling. Some of the drinking was enjoyable. A lot of the drinking crossed a line from buzzed to drunk and then the aftermath the next day. The phenomenon of craving that is described in the Big Book is exactly what happens. The last 8 months have been very dark mentally due to alcoholism. Crippling anxiety, hangovers that last 3 days. Emotions that are uncontrollable. Down and down and down into hell I went.

Until I resurfaced

SoberLeigh

So very glad that you resurfaced, Mizz. Much better times await you.

Derringer

One of my thoughts when I started reading / studying the big book was "Holy cow ... Its like they wrote a book about me"

It just turned into a box ticking exercise

Phenomenon of craving, I just want to take the edge off but end up smashed everytime - check
Completely perplexed as to why I picked up that first drink again - check
I seem to be drinking against my will - check
I used to be able to manage life and drinking but it's all becoming very unmanageable now - check
I've handled plenty of other life problems, why can't I get a handle on this ? - check
We tried this, we tried that, we went to see this person, we talked about it with that person, we paid money to professionals and sat there and lied through most of the session - check

And on and on it went ...

Happily ... There is a Solution 👍
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Mizz

I let a 5 minute work conversation affect my mood. Just realized that I actually had a good day and the 5 minutes at the end sucked.
Attended a meeting tonight.
Subject: Gratitude

I am grateful for another day of sobriety.
Grateful to be attended AA and choosing to attend AA.
I am grateful for this forum.
I am very grateful for all that I have in this life.
A home. A job. Friends. People who love me. Food. Clothes.
Just grateful to be here ( I did not think this almost 2 weeks ago)

fini

"Just realized that I actually had a good day and the 5 minutes at the end sucked."
this is so important, i think, and so cool to get to that perspective. rather than having the short crappy part dominate.
glad you had a good day

SoberLeigh

Nice list you have going there, Mizz, very nice.

Very gratitude was a turning point for me.

With you.

Obladi

People often talk about tools in a way that feels very utilitarian to me, if that's a word. Like, "I have a craving, let me go to my toolkit and pull out a worksheet or a prayer or a meeting or a technique to get through this." I found that I needed to find my own tools. Or maybe my own method for using the tools. It's like... if you want to teach me how to paint, you can give me a brush and an easel and some paints, but that's not going to teach me how to paint. You might then say, "Well, here's a paint-by-numbers kit - do that." But that would be meaningless to me. I can fill in little labelled boxes all day but that doesn't mean I know how to paint. Not in a way that is significant to me, anyhow. I'm pretty sure paint-by-numbers works perfectly well for some folks and I'm glad for them that it does.

But for me, it was experiences like those 5 minutes that changed your mood. I never even really used to notice those moments, at least not in a mindful, "What is actually happening here?" kind of way. Once I came to the conclusion that I was a worthy person and that most of that upsetting stuff is not really about me, I needed to force myself through this exercise of understanding what was at the bottom, the very root of my upset. "Well, he's just a big meanie" was not sufficient. If that's about him (and it may well be), then what does that matter to me? And why? No, really, why?

You're taking really good steps, Mizz. Noticing, then putting things into some perspective, yup. Once you get down to the "causes and conditions" of that horrible, gotta escape, nothing will fix it but drinking state, you will be amazed. It's not easy, but the difference it will make in how you experience the world will be transformative.

O

Mizz

Today was a continuation of sorts in dealing with a work situation. I have taken an approach of not falling into any drama, looking at the facts, and asking others to reign in their own self in regards to the drama they are trying to put in my lane. It worked.
What is mine to own, I will.

None of the above threw me off in terms of mood. Its all about checks and balances right now.

I attended a meeting and will now attend another meeting. I was asked if I would like to attend this second meeting and I obliged. It is late for me (8:30pm Lol) However, I am willing. Willing to do what is needed to maintain sobriety.

5 am comes around real quick, ya'll. Looking forward to bedtime in an hour.

Sleep well, friends. Sleep peaceful.

Mizz

O,
Tools. You make so many good points up there.

Finding our own tools to get through those tough moments. I've spent countless dollars on therapy to learn tools that I actually never implemented into my life. For example: meditation as a tool. Deep breathing as a tool. Taking walks as tool.
(I think the walking will be a part of my program now at work. Get out of the building and take my mask off. Breath in some fresh air. Think before commenting or engaging) Learning what works for me.

I have so much to be grateful for. Just the fact that I made it to the other side and am now sober has my heart soaring. The struggle was real and it was dangerous. Two weeks ago, I was lying in my bed feeling like I had crossed a line and there would be no return. I could not see myself drinking any longer and I also could not see how I was not going to drink. If there is a hell, that is the moment that I found myself standing in the depths of some serious fire and brimstone.

Those days in bed catapulted my resolve and gave me a truth. A truth that I've seen time and time again. Again and again.

I was not concerned about how anyone would react to another attempt at sobriety. All the relapses have given people a belief system as to what I do. Sober and then relapse. Sober and relapse. Sober and relapse. I don't ******* care about peoples belief systems. I care about my belief system and getting well. I care that I try again. Again. Again. There is no shame in my game*. Just like there is no crying in baseball. Ima hit that home run!


* Shame is big in my life when engaged in alcoholism. I have no shame in getting sober and walking a solid road of recovery.

SoberLeigh

Love your self-awareness, Mizz.

Power on, girl.

Obladi

Right on, girlfriend!

We did this exercise in rehab that was actually a useful way to develop affirmations, something I frankly thought was stupid and all woo-woo.

• Fold a sheet of paper in half, length-ways.
• On the left hand side, write down the crappy things you say to yourself.
• On the right hand side, write down your positive attributes or skills.
• Now draw a line from your attributes to the corresponding crappy things they may solve.

From there, write your affirmations.
You can look up ideas on line to help your brain if needed.
Some that I have hanging up in my bedroom in a prominent location:

• I am healing
• I pick friends who are worthy of my trust
• The past no longer has any control over me

I believe those things. I have fully bought in to the first and believe the other two to be true even though they haven't actually fully "happened" yet. They seem completely achievable now - and that's a miracle.

As are you and your new attitude, Mizz.
(Had to magnify 200x to discover this is a hippie. I like it/her/him. )

O

Mizz

Good meeting tonight. Acceptance was the discussion word.
Lots of engagement from people. I'm still a black box. I feel comfortable listening to what is being said. I'm not in a place to contribute to the conversation yet.
There is a feeling of safety when attending these meetings. I am safe for another night from drinking alcohol.

Chill day at work.

Im looking forward to my morning run and weights.
I found a new artist to blast through my earphones.

Good Night, SR. Sleep soundly. We get to wake up sober tomorrow

Mizz

I seem to be waking up earlier and earlier each morning. I mean, its great that I have time in the morning to wake up, run and take care of house business but A GIRL HAS GOT TO SLEEP! I feel rested so I am not going to worry about this too much. Monitoring the situation though.

Its Friday. I am looking forward to this weekend. Resting. Relaxing. Attending meetings. Reading. I've got 24 hours of sober freedom ahead! Yes, sober freedom....

I hope you all have a good day.
Over and out!

SoberLeigh

Freedom, indeed, Mizz. Sobriety and Recovery are liberating!

So pleased for you, Mizz.

Mizz

Got in 10 to 11 hours of sleep. I came home and ate half a pizza, turned on Netflix and I was out.

This week was mentally challenging in terms of work but not in terms of staying sober. Yesterday morning I knew I was in for a long day when my energy levels were off during my workout. All is well.

'Im looking forward to running this morning at a new spot.

Sober. 17 days.

AMAZING!

Obladi

This is how we do it.
Congratulations, MIzz.
Keep it up.

fini

you're doing it, Mizz. keep going.

Mizz

I wanted to share some pictures of the run I went on today. How do we do that? Is the sharing of pictures not allowed? I tried a few times but I think I am challenged in some way when it comes to technology.

There is an area close to my house with Redwoods, a pond and lots of beauty. The weather was brisk and perfect for a morning run. Very few people were out. A group of off road bikers rode on by. A few other runners hitting the trails. It was just beautiful. Redwood after redwood tree. Just GLORIOUS!

I came home and called a friend.
I've been watching "The Queens Gambit" and was overly excited to see how it ended. Little did I know the show revolves around a prodigy chess player and her addictions. How fitting for this time. I highly recommend watching this show on Netflix. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Fell asleep for awhile.

Looking forward to my run tomorrow and an AA meeting afterwards. Book study after the AA meeting.
Its been a lovely day.

Have a good Saturday evening, SR!

SoberLeigh

Thanks for the Netflix recommendation, Mizz.

Sounds like you live in a beautiful area, Mizz. I would love to see the photos but cannot give advice on how to upload personal photos; I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to master that skill.

You are doing beautifully, Mizz. Keep on.

Mizz

Up EARLY.
Why not? I can greet the day with energy and retire early tonight.

Around one month ago I was heading to work with a hangover. Really feeling the weight of the night before and trying to shake it off. I turned down the radio and started to pray "Are you there, God? Its me, Margaret!" JK.

I asked my higher power for some guidance and help. It literally went like this. "God, I know I haven't spoken to you in awhile. I'm really ****** right now. I need help. Real help. Please help me." Driving on the highway with a headache and feeling parched. "this has got to stop" I said to myself more times than not in the mornings.

I'm not on a pink cloud, per say. I do know what this sober road looks like. I don't know what this sober road looks like with happiness though? I have been experiencing a sense of relief each day. There is not a struggle mentally and emotionally like there was prior. I'm not feeling like I'm in a some sort of mental prison which took place the last time I was sober. I think the change is that I have accepted alcoholism as a disease.

AA has become a safety net for my evenings. This forum has become a positive place to read and absorb. To use as a journal of sorts.

I know I am in the early stages but I really do see there is a difference in the way that I am mentally processing the disease of alcoholism.

One day at a time.

I bought a new pair of running shoes yesterday along with a headboard for the bed. I would of spent more on alcohol over the last few weeks.

There is a good little nest egg in the savings as well.
BOOM! Dreaming about Hawaii as soon as this pandemic is over. Gonna sip iced tea on the shore of Maui and soak up the SUN!
(A girl can dream)