Obladi

It gets better.

Mizz

LONG READ
Today resembled yesterday in terms of anxiety. I am so thankful to be home where it is quiet and calm. I can hear the birds outside and the random neighborhood dog barking. Its peaceful here.

A day in the life of Mizz at work:
At desk trying to complete admin work. Intercom "Mizz line one". Intercom "Mizz to X department". Travel to department. Help customer. Travel back to desk. Start to type. Person "excuse me but do you know if you have xyz? I get up. Walk person to xyz. Mizz line one. I answer line one. Mizz please call 45. I call 45. Hang up phone. Person in front of me "Sorry, but do you carry abc?" Guide person to ABC. Answer a million questions about ABC. Back to desk to get to the admin work I was working on 15 minutes prior. Coworker at desk now "Mizz. There is a delivery of Q,R,S" "Okay. thank you! Back to computer work. Mizz line 2. I answer line 2. Mizz. Mizz. Mizzuno. Mizzuno. FOR 8 HOURS A DAY. 5 DAYS A WEEK. Loud music all day. Juicers and blenders juicing and blending all day. Lots of noise. Tons of people. Hectic is an understatement.
Its non stop chaos.

COVID has not made any of this work any easier. People are hostile. People are combative. Lots and lots of people when we should be sheltering in place. At least that is what my part of the country is "supposed" to be doing.

In terms of keeping my commitment to attend this zoom reading of the Dr. Opinion. I DID NOT KEEP MY COMMITMENT!
I came home. I boiled some water for tea. I ate a little food. I took a bath. I'm now in my bed, in the dark, listening to a bird chirping along with the sound of my fingers hitting the computer keys. This writing along with my abstinence from alcohol are the only two commitments I can keep this evening. I'm once again figuring out how to decompress and this decompressing thing is not easy. Its been 2 hours since I got off work and I am finally feeling calm.

I like the quiet. I can breathe in the quiet. I can think clearly and feel at ease in the quiet.

I do have a phone appointment to call a therapist this Thursday at 4pm.We are going to set up a time to start to analyze my brain. I've been playing email tag with her for quite awhile. The alcoholism really had me thinking I was okay. Hence the playing tag with email. I was okay until I wasn't okay. It all depended on the day. She hasn't given up on me yet. I am very much looking forward to setting this appointment with her.

I have so many close friends who struggle with alcoholism. I hear them talking about quitting and "one day soon" or "I am almost ready" or "I really want to stop". Alcoholism is hard work. Sobriety is hard work. It makes sense why people don't address getting sober. Its ******* hard. Scary. Unsettling. What seems worse to me though is living my life with all that regret and shame and feeling down right miserable all the time. I know this disease will be here for life. I've wrestled with it my entire adult life. I' m okay being uncomfortable now so I can reap the benefits later on down the road. My umpteenth time getting of the sauce! Yeah!

Im looking forward to waking up clear headed tomorrow. Not looking forward to the roller coaster of anxiety that takes an arsenal of natural remedies to get me through the day.

My coworkers are asking me If I am okay? Am I depressed? Am I this or that? What's wrong? "Ive noticed something going on with you. Are you okay?"

Monotone voice of Mizz "I am okay. I am just getting through this **** show so we can come back and do it all over tomorrow"
My head is really screaming "I'm getting off a two year wine binge. I just need some ******* time to get a ******* grip here, okay? Is that too much to ask?"

Mizz

It appears to me as though I am not keeping these commitments of AA and meeting with AA person.

I think my goals may have been too big on Sunday. Once I got to the work week doing anything other than coming home after work and laying in the dark seems impossible. I think Ill baby step this stuff right now. I feel like I really need some time to adjust. Then I make the moves.

Obladi

While your Sunday plan may have been overly-ambitious, do you think meetings should be the first thing to go? (My my don't I sound like Ms Book Thumper, here!)

I'm just saying - my experience was that when I didn't take recovery like it was a second job, things didn't pan out so well. And also I remember well how things didn't seem quite as dire once four days had passed.

It's completely up to you to be true to yourself and also I'm no expert on recovery myself, so I'm definitely not criticizing you. Just asking whether you've checked your motives?

p.s. There are early morning meetings!

Kdon853

Hope you read a doctors opinion good stuff in there. As far as group texts, No I only text with who I want. Meeting my sponsor’s sponsees have no desire. My sponsor is my guide not my friend I like it that way. Been in AA for almost 3 years.

Mizz

Obladi, You are right. I do not hear you criticizing me. I hear some questions that are reasonable to ask. I am not giving up on this plan. I have a bit more energy tonight and feel really grateful that we are able to attend these meetings online right now.

This alcoholism is just as dire as it was 7 days ago. I am still sitting at the train terminal with my baggage of life. It was announced that an AA meeting will be held at the concession stand in 15 minutes. I suppose I can walk over there to see what these folks have to say. I have no other plans at the moment.

Kdon- Yes, the doctors opinion is quite truth telling. I cannot drink. Even one drink will set me down the road to drink the entire wine barrel. I am ready for the "psychic change" that takes place. I'm sitting in this "irritable" phase right now and I am doing the next best thing here.....

Gotta JAM! AA here I come. (walks to bedroom and logs onto meeting)

fini

Mizz, i’d encourage you to keep the commitments you make for yourself. you made them for good reasons, necessary reasons, and not keeping them because they don’t seem so important after a tough day and hafter having a few days sober seems like it might be denial entering into the picture.
or minimizing.
if you are willing to go to any lengths, without that bridge-thing (i liked the joke, too ), then sticking to commitment s is one of those lengths. it will repay in kind and then some, simply by having fulfilled a commitment already.

Mizz

Fini,
Yes, it is really important that I keep these commitments to myself. Thank you for encouraging me.

Fortunately, I am doing much better in terms of anxiety today and was able to attend a meeting. I will keep moving forward. I will also listen to myself and make sure I am caring for myself in thoughtful and sober ways. Yesterday was not my day at all so to bed I went. Sober.

Mizz

Im leveling off. YAY!
I was looking up P.A.W.S. That cluster of psychological and mood related issues that arise after the alcohol withdrawal phase. I think there is something to it. I need to read more on the matter. Even though I have felt great when I wake at the start of this week .....my mood crashes and I was in full blown anxiety for many many hours for a few days. Its exhausting.
I am seeing this through. No alcohol. Doing the next best thing that I am capable of. Attended a meeting last night.

Keeping my commitment to call the therapist at 4pm. Keeping the commitment to attend the meeting tonight.

SoberLeigh

You are doing great, Mizz.

You are doing this!.

Stay focused. Stay close.

Power on.

Obladi

It's a rollercoaster, for sure. Glad you're on the up climb today.

Goodonya for keeping your commitments.

Keep on, keep telling us how it is, regardless of how it is.

Mizz

Forward moving.
I called the therapist at the given time. Straight to her answering machine I went. Fine by me. I kept that commitment and have followed through with an email. We will see what transpires.

I was thinking that for the active alcoholic this COVID business is the worst time to get sober. Why not fall in line with the mess that is now our entire world? Save sobriety for a calmer more reasonable time. On the other hand, its the perfect time for an alcoholic to get off the drunk train due to the situation that has been taking place. Seems better to have a level head when everything is so off kilter. (lets not pick a part those thoughts up there. Im just free thinking/ typing right now)

There is interest as to who is going to speak tonight or what the subject matter will be at the AA meeting. I think the subject may be about alcoholism, but I am not so sure? I am looking forward to it. Last nights meeting at the concession stand was nothing to write home about. Not every meeting is going knock your socks off with the sky opening up to the heavens. That is quite alright! The point is that I am taking these steps. (not AA steps but steps nonetheless)

Sober.

fini

good to see you moving along!
any time is the BEST time to get sober, Mizz, and i’m glad you’re back with us after picking THIS time.

Mizz

There is a feeling of relief when attending an AA meeting.
I can relax and listen to people who have experienced the same.
Grateful to be taking these different steps and not doing this on my own.

Still a black box though.

Mizz

I deleted all social media 10 days ago. There is something to be said about space from the world and not knowing what everyone is doing at all times. All the politics in the US and this virus was making me a little crazy. I have room to think and to be. Lots of room. I don't miss social media. That may mean I am on here a little more!

I have not ran or did any form of exercise in the last 9 days. Tomorrow is my day. My legs, brain and emotions can use a good long run through the town. I am so eager for this. Having this break to reset and to rest has been wonderful but I got am ready to get back to what makes Mizz.

Attended one and half meetings last night. I spent a bit of time researching meetings out of the area. Zoom meetings are the best in that respect. I can go anywhere!

Did not get a full nights sleep. That's okay. I feel fine. Sober. Rested for the most part. Its Friday. This week has flown by in terms of work. Ive been up and down with anxiety but am leveling off.

I have an appointment on Sunday to go over the Dr. Opinion with a sponsor. I will be keeping that commitment.
AA tonight.
Run tomorrow
Doing this.

Obladi

I like the doctor's opinion. It's dated, like much of the book, but it also stands up to the test of time in many ways.

It's good to hear you're looking forward to your run. Never understood the appeal myself, but I used to love a good bike ride. I keep thinking I'll get back to that "one day."

Mizz

Obladi,
Yes, one day you may just hop on your bike and never look back!
Running is such a "thing" for me. Its my main "breathing freely" activity. Music on full blast. Cruising around the town.
I like to sweat.

The relief I feel from not drinking is amazing. Then the day wears on and I feel a little sideways. I'm no longer participated in something that was habitual and very detrimental to life.
Its the long term day in and day out of sobriety that will be my test. Has always been my test.

I'm taking a different approach to this sober road. I am doing what I can to the best of my ability. AA. Readings. Getting my emotions and moods stable. Working on adopting and accepting the language of AA. Calling a therapist and need to call someone else (the therapist ghosted me. I have not heard back from the email)
I do see a difference here.
Early days.
Sober.

Obladi

I like sweating too. Like it better when I'm in shape - I think it looks good on me then, whereas now I just feel like Jabba the Hut. Old scars of shame run extraordinarily deep. I imagine you out there cruising right now while I'm typing and it makes me smile.

Yeah, I get you. Waking up in the morning sober and not sick is such a gift. Then the drudgery and endurance of every day life intrudes. My best advice is to keep that gratitude very close at hand. Even when/if you think about how much of a relief it would be to have "a" drink at the end of the day. Here's the thing, though, Mizz: this is not a test. There is no exam at the end. This is life. And it's a damn sight better than the previous life, no matter how challenging it is. At least that's what I think.

Sorry your therapist ghosted you. That's a drag - finding someone who works for you can be such a lot of work. But so worth it, too.

O

Mizz

Good Morning, SR!
Good Morning, Obladi!
Good Morning, World!

Found myself at an out of town meeting last night. I'm still a black box without a face. I just prefer the listening route right now. Some part of me was saying "Mizz, you are not doing this right. You need to be fully present with a voice. Show yourself. Engage!" Then I just stare at the screen and drink my tea without changing the black box or producing a real name. Hunker down into the pillow and let the Chamomile wash over me and my over active brain.

The speaker was very inspiring. "I could never have imagined that my life would be this peaceful" he said. I loved that. Peaceful. All of the "serenity and peace" has become his daily life on a tropical Island. Gratitude is his word. One day at a time is the subject to speak on.

People chimed in with "It doesn't matter how many years or days a person has. It is the right here and now that matters" Those words rang true. The right here. The Right now.

I also took notice of the language with AA. The "program".
Surrendering. Let go and let god. Get out of my own way. Step 10. Sick as secrets. One day at a time. It works if you work it. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Im forgetting "key" lingo here. (it's early)

There is no way around this but to adopt all the lingo and dive right in to the format that has worked for millions of people. Is that right? Millions? Speak in the format. Reprogram myself. I am mildly resistant to this language and I am making sure that I do not find ways to talk myself out of this "program". My brain wants me to use different words. My brain wants a lot of stuff that it will never get, so here we are! Doing the things that make a sober Mizzuno stay off the wine barrel.

I think with all of this, the most important part for me, is the fact that I truly want to have a deeper happiness and be emotionally and mentally settled. I've dived in and out of this sober thing. I watched my head take trips that were not healthy.

"I'm on my way
I don't know where I'm going
I'm on my way
taking my time
but I don't know where "

Woke up to hearing "Me and Julio down by the school yard" in my head this morning. Perfect! I love it.

Mizz

Yes, O! This is not a test. Its not that interruption in the middle of your favorite show, with a loud screeching sound and blurry screen, stating "This is a test by the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test!"

I was always waiting for something major to take place when the Emergency Broadcasting system dramatically made an entrance into my living room.

This is life. My life. your life. Our life here on this planet circling around a larger planet.