I passed 3 years on Friday.
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I passed 3 years on Friday.
I was on a solo meditation fasting trip in the mountains when it occurred to me.
It’s been a tumultuous three years. I lost my father during this time. I’m forever changed from his death, altered and darkened in permanent ways. I think that colors my perspective on sobriety today, as it happened when I was still doggedly reminding myself regularly that I am actually a drunk.
Going through something so dark with no way to escape was not easy. How did I do it? I guess I just kept doing my life. I’d get up in the morning. I’d go to work, or get started on chores if I was off. I’d take care of my family. I’d play my roles. The desperate darkness would grip me and I’d ride it. There was a lot of crying. But there was a lot of talking myself through it too. I rehashed. I reviewed. I told the story of his death to myself, I told it to my self 50,000 times and cried some more. I told myself to forgive myself and didn’t and then told myself to forgive myself again, over and over. I tried so hard to look at myself like my Dad would look at me, with his kind blue eyes. I knew Dad would talk to me about this in a certain way, I knew my Dad so well that I even knew what words he’d use. So I used them for myself. Over and over, probably more than 50,000 times.
why does this matter in a post about sobriety, you might ask....well, it’s the whole point. Sobriety isn’t about absence of drinking. It’s about your heart. Its about your coping. It’s about throwing yourself off a cliff for other people, so they can thrive. It’s about love. It’s about your own pain. Holding your pain in your two hands and looking at it. And coming to terms with it.
alcohols like a virus sometimes with what it does; it’s like viral dna replication of the soul, like having herpes or HIV forever, it hijacks your heart like a virus hijacks your cells and you must live with that. Alcohol addiction is a form of twisted love, we have to fall out of love and become authentically repulsed by something that’s taken over so completely it feels like we’ve lost our family or our sanity or our only way to cope, when we put it down. It hurts. It’s a loss. Acknowledge that loss, the loss of alcohol and then you can let it go.
like people we lose, or our beloved pets. We have to take the time to let it go. If you cry for it or need it still, your healings not done. On some level you will always feel that tug for the alcohol, but it gets better and less normal and less important with time, whole days go by where alcohol didn’t enter your mind.
Don’t let an inanimate substance that causes irreparable harm to yourself and your people be your only love life.
let people and pets and life start to hijack your alcoholic soul, let the years allow life and love to take over until alcohol’s hold on you, despite its permanent residency, becomes so much less important.
Have hope. Reach for the light. Know that you’re worth the time, the trial, the energy to quit drinking.
much love,
Sassy
It’s been a tumultuous three years. I lost my father during this time. I’m forever changed from his death, altered and darkened in permanent ways. I think that colors my perspective on sobriety today, as it happened when I was still doggedly reminding myself regularly that I am actually a drunk.
Going through something so dark with no way to escape was not easy. How did I do it? I guess I just kept doing my life. I’d get up in the morning. I’d go to work, or get started on chores if I was off. I’d take care of my family. I’d play my roles. The desperate darkness would grip me and I’d ride it. There was a lot of crying. But there was a lot of talking myself through it too. I rehashed. I reviewed. I told the story of his death to myself, I told it to my self 50,000 times and cried some more. I told myself to forgive myself and didn’t and then told myself to forgive myself again, over and over. I tried so hard to look at myself like my Dad would look at me, with his kind blue eyes. I knew Dad would talk to me about this in a certain way, I knew my Dad so well that I even knew what words he’d use. So I used them for myself. Over and over, probably more than 50,000 times.
why does this matter in a post about sobriety, you might ask....well, it’s the whole point. Sobriety isn’t about absence of drinking. It’s about your heart. Its about your coping. It’s about throwing yourself off a cliff for other people, so they can thrive. It’s about love. It’s about your own pain. Holding your pain in your two hands and looking at it. And coming to terms with it.
alcohols like a virus sometimes with what it does; it’s like viral dna replication of the soul, like having herpes or HIV forever, it hijacks your heart like a virus hijacks your cells and you must live with that. Alcohol addiction is a form of twisted love, we have to fall out of love and become authentically repulsed by something that’s taken over so completely it feels like we’ve lost our family or our sanity or our only way to cope, when we put it down. It hurts. It’s a loss. Acknowledge that loss, the loss of alcohol and then you can let it go.
like people we lose, or our beloved pets. We have to take the time to let it go. If you cry for it or need it still, your healings not done. On some level you will always feel that tug for the alcohol, but it gets better and less normal and less important with time, whole days go by where alcohol didn’t enter your mind.
Don’t let an inanimate substance that causes irreparable harm to yourself and your people be your only love life.
let people and pets and life start to hijack your alcoholic soul, let the years allow life and love to take over until alcohol’s hold on you, despite its permanent residency, becomes so much less important.
Have hope. Reach for the light. Know that you’re worth the time, the trial, the energy to quit drinking.
much love,
Sassy
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hiya Sassy,
congratulations!
and thanks for all you share here so freely: dark, light, hope, and your way forward.
and yes, i so wholeheartedly agree: sobriety is not about absence of drinking. it is very much about whole-heartedness, wholehearted grief included.
keep on going, doing your life.
congratulations!
and thanks for all you share here so freely: dark, light, hope, and your way forward.
and yes, i so wholeheartedly agree: sobriety is not about absence of drinking. it is very much about whole-heartedness, wholehearted grief included.
keep on going, doing your life.
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Thanks!
lol, while reading this that “solo meditation retreat” thing sounded so pretentious.
but that’s what my family and I were calling it kind of tongue in cheek when I took off in my moms camper for five days on the morning of my birthday with only electrolyte water, books, and a guitar. Ok I had a box of protein bars too, Managed to avoid them until the last day. I hid in the woods and cried and walked for hours under the trees and came to terms with some forgiveness I needed to do and by the time I came home, my relationships seemed somewhat changed. I feel a lot clearer. I know not everyone’s able to do this but it was worth it.
yeah so the first two days I had no internet at all. I think that was actually the most important part.
lol, while reading this that “solo meditation retreat” thing sounded so pretentious.
but that’s what my family and I were calling it kind of tongue in cheek when I took off in my moms camper for five days on the morning of my birthday with only electrolyte water, books, and a guitar. Ok I had a box of protein bars too, Managed to avoid them until the last day. I hid in the woods and cried and walked for hours under the trees and came to terms with some forgiveness I needed to do and by the time I came home, my relationships seemed somewhat changed. I feel a lot clearer. I know not everyone’s able to do this but it was worth it.
yeah so the first two days I had no internet at all. I think that was actually the most important part.
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I had to reread that post a few times, because I saw that I was intimating that losing alcohol was like losing my father. It seems wrong, and like a sick thought. if that seems like a bizarre statement to make and like a twisted thing to say....that’s good.
but as those thoughts flowed out and I wrote them without thinking, that’s what came up. That’s alcoholism, folks. There’s nothing healthy or good about it.
i shouldn’t have to grieve something that almost killed me and ruined my family. But I did have to, and it hurt like real grief did.
Let the sickness of that sink in, and for goodness sake keep fighting against that impulse. Every day. For the rest of your days.
but as those thoughts flowed out and I wrote them without thinking, that’s what came up. That’s alcoholism, folks. There’s nothing healthy or good about it.
i shouldn’t have to grieve something that almost killed me and ruined my family. But I did have to, and it hurt like real grief did.
Let the sickness of that sink in, and for goodness sake keep fighting against that impulse. Every day. For the rest of your days.
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Congrats, Sassy. Whether you know it or not, you've helped me tremendously in dealing with my mom's death.
You provedunequivocally that you can lose someone very close to your heart in sobriety and survive. Didn't know whether it could be done. Maybe the better way to put it was whether or not I could.
Great champions lead by example. You did that in every sense of the word.
You showed me that you could say you're sorry and it mean something even if she was gone. You showed me how to forgive myself for being a s#itty son. You showed me that the best way to live on is to serve as an example of what my mom wanted for me.
The best tool you gave me was the one where I had a conversation between my mom and I in the manner of how she would have reacted if she were still alive. That gets me through a lot of rough days. That act of letting go, was something I was never able to do until you started posting about your experience with it.
That made a huge difference in my life. So...thank you.
You provedunequivocally that you can lose someone very close to your heart in sobriety and survive. Didn't know whether it could be done. Maybe the better way to put it was whether or not I could.
Great champions lead by example. You did that in every sense of the word.
You showed me that you could say you're sorry and it mean something even if she was gone. You showed me how to forgive myself for being a s#itty son. You showed me that the best way to live on is to serve as an example of what my mom wanted for me.
The best tool you gave me was the one where I had a conversation between my mom and I in the manner of how she would have reacted if she were still alive. That gets me through a lot of rough days. That act of letting go, was something I was never able to do until you started posting about your experience with it.
That made a huge difference in my life. So...thank you.
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Well, BD that just made me cry all over again.
but thank you. Because, there were times when I wondered what the f#@% I thought I was F#a%ing doing by going through the black hell of that completely sober. He’s gone, never to return. I’m left to deal with this alone, without his wisdom, why am I doing this with 100% awareness and nerves raw. And, he never completely quit. He kept going back, to the bottle or the pills here and there throughout his later years, he didn’t quit. Why should I? Why not just do what he did?
but the thing is, he wasn’t gone. He was dead. But he was not gone. All the thousands of smiles, all the thousands of hugs, of words, of leaning in and listening to me, it was all there, it’s who I am, it’s my thoughts and heart and soul, I am made up of so much of him. So when I closed my eyes and tuned in, after all the pain, tears, self-beatings, crushing guilt and the rest were poured out, and I really tried to tune in: I heard what he would say, what he was saying. He was telling me how to get through this, how to get through his own death, with his love and words.
anyway I’m not a champion, but I am so glad that something I said helped you so much bulldog, because really is there any other point to life? Than helping each other drag ourselves through the muddy parts, that painful slog.
again coming here, always a reminder why. We can’t let ourselves forget why. Why we keep going is important.
but thank you. Because, there were times when I wondered what the f#@% I thought I was F#a%ing doing by going through the black hell of that completely sober. He’s gone, never to return. I’m left to deal with this alone, without his wisdom, why am I doing this with 100% awareness and nerves raw. And, he never completely quit. He kept going back, to the bottle or the pills here and there throughout his later years, he didn’t quit. Why should I? Why not just do what he did?
but the thing is, he wasn’t gone. He was dead. But he was not gone. All the thousands of smiles, all the thousands of hugs, of words, of leaning in and listening to me, it was all there, it’s who I am, it’s my thoughts and heart and soul, I am made up of so much of him. So when I closed my eyes and tuned in, after all the pain, tears, self-beatings, crushing guilt and the rest were poured out, and I really tried to tune in: I heard what he would say, what he was saying. He was telling me how to get through this, how to get through his own death, with his love and words.
anyway I’m not a champion, but I am so glad that something I said helped you so much bulldog, because really is there any other point to life? Than helping each other drag ourselves through the muddy parts, that painful slog.
again coming here, always a reminder why. We can’t let ourselves forget why. Why we keep going is important.
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Another thing that came up during my five days away, was the thought that maybe it was time to sit in on the women’s group for AA on tuesday nights in my town.
i think being around all those women in the same boat would be good, on the flip side; it makes me wary to be around so many people who are close to drinking. I’m concerned it might be triggering, I’ve always been worried AA might trigger me. Lots of folks “going out” on a whim, making it seem “normal” to do so, despite their self recriminations and vows to quit. Anyway, just my thoughts, not sure about the healthy energy in the AA rooms. Still the group aspect of coming together and all having the same problem sounds healing for me in certain ways.
i think being around all those women in the same boat would be good, on the flip side; it makes me wary to be around so many people who are close to drinking. I’m concerned it might be triggering, I’ve always been worried AA might trigger me. Lots of folks “going out” on a whim, making it seem “normal” to do so, despite their self recriminations and vows to quit. Anyway, just my thoughts, not sure about the healthy energy in the AA rooms. Still the group aspect of coming together and all having the same problem sounds healing for me in certain ways.
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Congratulations! Over a billion and half miles around the sun sober and still sassy!
I understand grieving aspects of alcohol and I think it is true grief, you killed drunk You. Grief is unavoidable, the only aspects we can change are in how we deal with it.
I understand grieving aspects of alcohol and I think it is true grief, you killed drunk You. Grief is unavoidable, the only aspects we can change are in how we deal with it.
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Originally Posted by dwtbd 
Congratulations! Over a billion and half miles around the sun sober and still sassy!
I understand grieving aspects of alcohol and I think it is true grief, you killed drunk You. Grief is unavoidable, the only aspects we can change are in how we deal with it.
I understand grieving aspects of alcohol and I think it is true grief, you killed drunk You. Grief is unavoidable, the only aspects we can change are in how we deal with it.
the sassy part is slow to return....didn’t really stay sassy, but maybe she’ll be back someday.
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Hey Sass, Congratulations!!!
Thank you for sharing your sobriety journey with us, and allowing me to share mine with you. It's been one hell of a ride, woman. May it continue (the ride, not the hell) for all of our days.
Yeah, try the women's meeting. Couldn't hurt to go a couple of times and see what you think. It's widely variable, the atmosphere in meetings. The format's always the same, but one "room" can (and often does) have a completely different feel from the next. For what it's worth, I don't find that people relapsing is triggery at all. It's more like... damn, I sure am glad to be sober today. My sobriety does not depend on what any other person does or does not do. Right?
xo
O
Thank you for sharing your sobriety journey with us, and allowing me to share mine with you. It's been one hell of a ride, woman. May it continue (the ride, not the hell) for all of our days.
Yeah, try the women's meeting. Couldn't hurt to go a couple of times and see what you think. It's widely variable, the atmosphere in meetings. The format's always the same, but one "room" can (and often does) have a completely different feel from the next. For what it's worth, I don't find that people relapsing is triggery at all. It's more like... damn, I sure am glad to be sober today. My sobriety does not depend on what any other person does or does not do. Right?
xo
O
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