Hevyn

I loved your wonderful post, Sassy. Congratulations on your 3+ years.

Willow00

Thanks for your post Sassy, your words touched me deeply and have helped me immensely ❤️

I have been really struggling recently, at day 99 sober, after so many day 1s. Tomorrow is day 100. Last time I got to day 100 my Mum died on day 100. That was 2 years ago and I’m still missing her so much that sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe without her here. Approaching day 100 again has brought up all sorts of unresolved grief. I keep thinking eff it, a drink will make the pain go away, but I know it doesn’t. I know I need to stay sober and somehow work through this awful grief, but sometimes it’s just all consuming. I have to learn how to live this life without Mum and without alcohol.

My Mum is part of my soul, she’s with me all the time, and what you said about your Dad made me really realise this. I know her so well, I can hear her words in my head all the time, I just need to listen. So I took her with me today when I went for a walk, and I saw everything through her eyes, with her vitality and her zest for life. And I reminded myself that she wants me to be happy and free, not tied to alcohol and grief. I know I have a long way to go and a lot of stuff to work through, but I didn’t drink today. And I will see myself through day 100 tomorrow somehow, and my Mum will be by my side, holding my hand and giving me encouragement, looking at me with her beautiful wise eyes ❤️

And I will take her camping with me this weekend, and she will be with me as I sit by the campfire toasting marshmallows and drinking cups of tea. She’s with me everywhere I go ❤️

And congratulations on 3 years! That’s really wonderful

Stayingsassy

Hi Willow.

its probably the hardest thing I ever had to do, to see the point of sobriety when my dad is dead and life doesn’t feel the same, will never feel the same. Especially when so much of life was already so changed before he died, dealing with another dark change was hard. It was hard to explain to people why life was so bleak for me, why everything felt so hard and I just wanted to give up. Lots of people in my life and people here told me I needed therapy or worried I’d end it, or said things that basically amounted to “it’s time to snap out of it. Essentially the pain of this is something that is impossible to describe to someone else. It’s like being on day 4 after quitting drinking and for someone you work with or live with it’s just day 4 after the weekend. For you the world feels like it ended, for them it’s Thursday.

knowing people who have left us permanently are forever imprinted on us, in our heart, mind and soul, Is a difficult thing to do when we are so lonely and bereft. It takes time, years even. They are, though. Truth is any impactful experience in our lives can literally change the shape of our DNA, and for reasons scientists don’t completely understand, even the next generation can experience the result of that change in our DNA. People do, in fact, change us and our children forever; and on and on, as the generations fold forward.

He’s not always right there, sometimes I struggle to feel him there. Other times the depth and richness of emotional closeness we had and the number of years we had it is right there, it’s palpable and feels simply like part of who I am.

Your Mom’s going camping with you whether you like it or not. . She’s going to notice all the things you do, the movement in the trees; the song of the birds. She’ll watch the crackle of the fire and listen to the laughter of your family or friends. When things are tough you ask her how to get though. Imagine her, imagine what she’d say and you can see that she is actually saying it to you. And when you show love, humor, gentleness or wit toward the people you love, it’s her speaking it.

I can’t tell you that you are strong enough to make it past day 100. I can say that day 100 of your quit is somewhat meaningless. It just marks a day in time of the number of days you didn’t pick up a drink; but it’s not a piece of destiny or a day that’s so significant it propels any of your decision making. The only thing about day 100 that matters in the context of sobriety is that it’s a tough period on the sobriety timeline, there’s a schedule for brain healing that occurs and at 3-4 months sobriety’s just hard. Many, many people relapse at 3-4 months. So many here that I can see the pattern of dents imbedded in their posts that marks their relapses, like Braille. It was a common time for me to relapse as well, I relapsed around 4 months so many times that I lost count completely. Your mom died at a time when most people simply give up on sobriety, so giving up at that time, at that deeply difficult time, makes it more like a cliche, rather than something that honors your mom, though I think living our pain when we don’t need to choose to live it, is sometimes our brains kind of perverted way to keep them alive, it’s the opposite of what they want for us: it’s like toddlers acting out when they are sad or stressed instead of centering themselves. We can do better. We can remember and honor them, and feel their presence without drinking. It’s hurts a lot, it hurts sometimes like you’ve been torn in half. But they spent a lot of time making us strong, raising us to be strong and centered. We can make sure all that teaching, love and guidance was not in vain.

have a peaceful time camping.

Willow00

Thanks again Sassy.
This is the second time I have gotten to day 100. Last time I actually managed over a year sober. I stayed sober through Mum’s passing, but drank when we scattered her ashes a year later. Then I spent the best part of another year trying unsuccessfully to stay sober. On off on off etc. The not-so-merry-go-round. This time I hope I can stay the course. It’s the bleakness that I really struggle with. Figuring out what the point of it all is, when the person you love most in the world is no longer here.

But I ask myself what Mum would think about things. Like you said about your Dad, some days it’s easier to feel her presence than others. I keep trying to emulate her. Her goodness, kindness, zest for life and adventure. I keep reminding myself of how much she made the most of life. I like knowing that she lives on through me, so I need to make the most of my life. Because I know that’s what she would want for me ❤️ I just have to want it for myself too. And I will, somehow.

And I will enjoy the camping. Mum would be so excited about this trip. She took us camping every school holidays as kids, and even into her 70s and 80s she loved a good campsite and a good campfire. So yes, she’ll be there with me for sure ❤️

Kaneda8888

Congrats Sassy, Sounds like you're on a healing journey and making great progress indeed

Lpg

Hey sassy huge congrats on over 3 years & staying sober even in your dark times & for sharing your honest feelings every step of the way. You quit around the same time as me I'll be 3 years on the 11th Nov.
I think I've finally accepted the loss of alcohol in my life & I know in my heart I won't return, but it's true you have to accept it to move forward.

sugarbear1

Congratulations on your 3 years of sobriety!!! Love your comments here. I lost my mom on my 5 year anniversary and dad left us 13 weeks later. It's taken me 4 years to start to laugh again and to feel.....yeah, just to feel again. Grief is it's own monster.

Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Congrats, again! 3 years is fantastic!!

b0glerd69

Great post and congratulations

Kaneda8888

Beautifully expressed. Congrats on 3 years