Rockbottom1964

So, I wake up yesterday morning with just one thought on my mind; today I’m buying myself a carton of nice red wine. (4 or 5 Litres in a carton). Good for a day, maybe two. Tomorrow is a public holiday and everybody else here will be drinking and laughing and happy and care-free, why not me? The thought gets stronger and stronger as the minutes and then a couple of hours go by, and my (sensibility)-objections weaker and weaker.

“It’s almost 300 days, for f*** sake, haven’t you proved you can do it?” the AV screamed. “Don’t you think you deserve that small reward you’ve been thinking about for almost a year? Time to shove aside that ‘maybe tomorrow but not today’ bull-s*** you’ve been cheating yourself with”….

And I listened. At around 11 AM, I took a walk to the local Liquor Store, and by then, I was contemplating throwing in a bottle of Scotch; after all, the Liquor shops are closed on holidays and weekends (Lockdown rules), and if I was just going to “reward” myself just for a couple of days, I might as well do it properly… Right??

And then it happened, and I’ll swear to this: I began feeling dizzy, and the further I walked the dizzier I seemed to get. “What the f*** is wrong with me?” I thought. “It feels like I’m drunk,” and almost immediately - “Get used to it. You’re on your way to do something f******* stupid, CC. And you know it won’t just be for a day or two. The last stretch was almost 7 years…” And I just said NO. NO- NO-NO. It’s not going to happen. So here’s the thing - and this I swear to you; the dizziness was gone. GONE.

I kept walking and do you know, I felt like laughing out loud, I was suddenly so happy and clear-headed. I know I was smiling at least. Probably looked smug – or stupid – to people driving by. I bought bread and a Coke and walked back home, and afterward realized that while I was in the Supermarket, I never even thought about the Liquor Shop next door again, or the wine, or the Scotch….

I don’t know if it was God or my own brain making me feel sick and then talking to me, and honestly, I don’t care. It worked and I’m grateful, and today, instead of acting and feeling like a zombie and being back on that hopeless-heartache train, I feel good. Everyone else here will start drinking soon – some already have; they’ll get drunk and giggle and laugh and shout when they talk. They’ll fall and talk c*** and make fools of themselves in front of their kids… but I won’t. Tonight they’ll pass out early and I’ll sit outside and listen to the Spring night and dream my dreams. Tomorrow they’ll feel like s*** and wish they hadn’t drunk so much last night; I’ll feel good and glad I didn’t drink at all.

Feeling grateful with just 14 days more to 300 sober, 79 days to my first year…

Briansy

What a beautiful and inspiring update, Rockbottom. Delighted for you. What a really good sign.

Rockbottom1964

[QUOTE=Briansy;7515539]What a beautiful and inspiring update, Rockbottom. Delighted for you. What a really good sign.[/QUOTE

Hi, Briansy, and thanks for the nice words. Only 5 in the afternoon here and all the adults are already at least halfway sloshed. I watch their addle-brained idiocy through my window every now and then, when it gets really bad. My “stepbrother’s wife has been laughing like a crazy person for half an hour and dancing the “Macarena” in short-shorts and a no-bra tanktop. Everything wobbles; the bare midriff spare tyre and about 50 pounds of cellulite, and, and….One thing alcohol does really well is make even the most unattractive women think they’re beautiful and make fools of themselves... But it’s still early here. Lots of daylight and the whole night ahead. Let’s see what other witlessness’s they come up with. All in front of their kids…
Oh, Gods, it just got much worse; my stepmom just started cackling; she'll probably go join the dancing-girl in a minute. I've seen it before; it's like watching the Michelin Man / woman dance ....

saoutchik

Well done Rockbottom, these things can materialise from out of the blue but they do go away if resisted. Congratulations on ~ 300 days!

nez

Ahh yes...the Good Ol' Days! Congrats on your choice to continue on in the good new days of sobriety! Besides the Good Ol' Days already have more than enough participants.

Obladi

That right there was your Higher Power. The HP resides within you, you know. He/She/They/It are everything and you're a part of that - you're connected! It was after my last drunk and during the rehabilitation period that I realized that I literally broke my connection to the whole when I drank. It's so obvious when I look back, and when I read your story of getting that close.

If you don't want to be all woo-woo about it (and I don't know why you wouldn't but some people don't), you could say like Jack Trimpey (the Rational Recovery dude), that was vertigo!

Either way, I'm so glad that happened to you, rock. Now you know just what you'd do if ever faced with that situation in the future.

O

Dee74

I am really glad you pulled out of the dive, RB.

D

Rockbottom1964

Hi, O. I’m sure it was my Higher Power/God. Especially when I thought back on it afterward. When it happened it was as if I was almost “stumbling-drunk” there for a while, I tell you. And while it was happening, it was more puzzling than anything else; an almost “snorting-scoffing-disbelieving- this isn’t happening” thing – I really don’t know quite how to accurately describe it in just a few words. But the resultant outcome was what mattered there and then. Whatever it was, it worked for/with me. Right there. It stopped me from – literally – stepping back into that bottle store and the alcoholic madness I’m addicted to.

It was only when I thought back on the experience that the real “depth” of it really hit me; the drunken feeling and the total “forgot to remember” about the Liquor Shop. Of course it was God. And me. And the Universe. And whatever else is there when we really need it/him/her… whatever. It stopped the madness before it started and I’m grateful.

I’m happy to hear from you, O.

Rockbottom1964

Thanks, Chik, nez and Dee.

nez

Thanks back at you. You sharing your experience , strength, and hope with us helps me. It reminds me that I am not alone and to look for the similarities.

Kaneda8888

A moment of clarity indeed. Though it came across as dizziness! Well done and thankfully you've pulled yourself away from the brink.

Mac4711

Rb,
what an awesome story, you’ve made me chuckle. The temptations get fewer and fever over the years, so thanks for the reminder. The AV is a smart beast indeed.

Dropsie

My favourite quote from Dee is abstinence is not control, 10 months, 10 years, one drink and it is back where it was, always.

I am totally in on the universe stepping in.

x

LarryF

WOW! I don't think I could do that......ok I have never done that. Once I am on the way to the liquor store it's all over.

Fusion

Brilliant post RockBottom, awesome description of the drink thoughts that try to overwhelm, which you pulled out of beautifully; plus great description of others drunken behaviour.

Rockbottom1964

Thanks, Tatsy and everyone else, for the cohesion and support. Have a nice, sober weekend.

Gettingcloser

I love hearing about this experience for you! You will be able to hold onto this unique memory and use it whenever you are tempted again. What a powerful tool!

Hawkeye13

I think you are way above rock bottom now RB. Maybe time for a name change?

least

Glad you didn't throw away your sobriety.

Delilah1

So glad you had that moment of clarity, well done! That one year mark is a pretty amazing milestone, I remember being very emotional, I cried a little, and also felt like I could accomplish anything. I can't wait to read your one year post, and celebrate with you!!!