It’s me again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 16
It’s me again
As I sit here wallowing in my own disgust and hatred. I do find peace when I can post here. Even though I truly believe I’m the lowest human being. I read the stories when everyone says God forgives I just always feel not me. I’m a binge drinker. Which is probably worse then an alcoholic because I actually can stop myself through several months. Later Ltd been much worse. This time I drank a full bottle of Vodka at home in my room but was watching a movie and had no intention of drinking until I went out with friends. How did I finish the damn thing! The worse part is I acted like a completely lunatic. I locked the bathroom door and decided to go out the window. I sit here thinking where did I go in my brain that I thought it was good idea. My heart is broken because my boys that are now 18 watched this all and eventually locked me in my room. I’m the parent and they have to take care of me. How low can I be! I have a good life but truely don’t understand where Or what I’m trying to drown out. What if it’s nothing and I’m just a f’ing loser. Thoughts please.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Originally Posted by Justme8 
As I sit here wallowing in my own disgust and hatred. I do find peace when I can post here. Even though I truly believe I’m the lowest human being. I read the stories when everyone says God forgives I just always feel not me. I’m a binge drinker. Which is probably worse then an alcoholic because I actually can stop myself through several months. Later Ltd been much worse. This time I drank a full bottle of Vodka at home in my room but was watching a movie and had no intention of drinking until I went out with friends. How did I finish the damn thing! The worse part is I acted like a completely lunatic. I locked the bathroom door and decided to go out the window. I sit here thinking where did I go in my brain that I thought it was good idea. My heart is broken because my boys that are now 18 watched this all and eventually locked me in my room. I’m the parent and they have to take care of me. How low can I be! I have a good life but truely don’t understand where Or what I’m trying to drown out. What if it’s nothing and I’m just a f’ing loser. Thoughts please.
Personally, I have never really understood how someone can only abuse/drinks alcohol on occasion – albeit occasions lasting days or even weeks. At least you “sometime guys” have your “abstain days”; us every-day drinkers don’t. Wé do the remorse-stuff you guys do once in a while, almost every day.
What I dó know, is that binge drinkers stand a good chance of progressing into full-time alcoholics. And that is much, much worse, believe me. Imagine feeling the way you do now almost every day? Then just drinking again to forget again? And on and on… At present you only visit the alcohol merry-go-round on occasion; the time might very well come when you’re chained to that roundabout horsy.
Or you can stop now. While it’s still a part-time thing. Before the habit becomes a disease. Before it’s a full-time, full-blown thing. You’re going to save yourself a lot of future heartache and embarrassment, that I can promise you…
In the meantime – what’s done is done. You’re truly sorry. Embarrassed, remorseful, ashamed. What more can you be/do? Put it behind you – again – and live life one day at a time. Sober if you can.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Justme,
I'm so sorry you're in that place right now. I've spent plenty of time there myself and I know the shame, the helplessness, the self-hatred that can be found there. I'm not sure if it provides any comfort, but your condition definitively meets the qualifications for being an alcoholic. From my perspective, it is comforting (now) for me to know that about myself.
I'm not one of those people who can't drink - I'm one of those people who can drink far too well. Any time I pick up alcohol, there is no predicting where it will lead. It was the same for me - I vividly remember an experience like you had several decades ago. I was in my late twenties and had gone to a friend's home to hang out before we went to a halloween party. She had sangria. Maybe I brought vodka with me. I blacked out and came to while I was out in the street with my friends. They had no idea I had been in that state. I had no idea how I'd consumed enough alcohol to get in that state. It was scary and embarrassing and I put the episode right out of my mind. Several decades later, my young adult daughters watched me do similar things to what you did. And I'd gotten to the point where I could still stop for a month or several months but when I picked up again I was reliably an every day drunk.
I'm glad you came here to tell us about it. We can help you because we understand. We've been there and can help you to leave that place. You are not a loser - you are addicted to alcohol. Not physically because you don't drink every day. Yet.
I wouldn't be surprised if there's something to figure out, that there might be something you're compelled to escape from by way of the bottle. That's certainly worth some thought and action on your part, but the first order of business if you want to get better is to make the decision that you Will Not/Do Not drink. Period. Full stop. Some people say "never," others say "just for today" (every single day); I say "not Now" because it's always Now and it's really not that hard to never drink right this moment.
So those are my thoughts.
What do you think?
Can you make the decision to not drink again?
Keep posting. We know the way out.
O
I'm so sorry you're in that place right now. I've spent plenty of time there myself and I know the shame, the helplessness, the self-hatred that can be found there. I'm not sure if it provides any comfort, but your condition definitively meets the qualifications for being an alcoholic. From my perspective, it is comforting (now) for me to know that about myself.
I'm not one of those people who can't drink - I'm one of those people who can drink far too well. Any time I pick up alcohol, there is no predicting where it will lead. It was the same for me - I vividly remember an experience like you had several decades ago. I was in my late twenties and had gone to a friend's home to hang out before we went to a halloween party. She had sangria. Maybe I brought vodka with me. I blacked out and came to while I was out in the street with my friends. They had no idea I had been in that state. I had no idea how I'd consumed enough alcohol to get in that state. It was scary and embarrassing and I put the episode right out of my mind. Several decades later, my young adult daughters watched me do similar things to what you did. And I'd gotten to the point where I could still stop for a month or several months but when I picked up again I was reliably an every day drunk.
I'm glad you came here to tell us about it. We can help you because we understand. We've been there and can help you to leave that place. You are not a loser - you are addicted to alcohol. Not physically because you don't drink every day. Yet.
I wouldn't be surprised if there's something to figure out, that there might be something you're compelled to escape from by way of the bottle. That's certainly worth some thought and action on your part, but the first order of business if you want to get better is to make the decision that you Will Not/Do Not drink. Period. Full stop. Some people say "never," others say "just for today" (every single day); I say "not Now" because it's always Now and it's really not that hard to never drink right this moment.
So those are my thoughts.
What do you think?
Can you make the decision to not drink again?
Keep posting. We know the way out.
O
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
I'm sorry you're still putting yourself through this justme.
Surely not drinking has to be better than this?
Why not be a regular poster here instead of just posting after you've been drinking - regular posting here has got to be worth a shot?
D
Surely not drinking has to be better than this?
Why not be a regular poster here instead of just posting after you've been drinking - regular posting here has got to be worth a shot?
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Originally Posted by Justme8
As I sit here wallowing in my own disgust and hatred. ...
That's not helping you.
I read the stories when everyone says God forgives
What about the other stories that say God helps those who help themselves?
I’m a binge drinker. Which is probably worse then an alcoholic because I actually can stop myself through several months.
It's not worse. The only thing worse than an alcoholic/binge drinker is a dead alcoholic/binge drinker.
This time I drank a full bottle of Vodka at home in my room but was watching a movie and had no intention of drinking until I went out with friends. ... I acted like a completely lunatic. I locked the bathroom door and decided to go out the window. My heart is broken because my boys that are now 18 watched this all and eventually locked me in my room.
That's love in action. It seems they didn't want you to hurt yourself or someone else.
I’m the parent and they have to take care of me.
If you don't like that then change it. Stop drinking.
How low can I be! I have a good life but truely don’t understand where Or what I’m trying to drown out. What if it’s nothing and I’m just a f’ing loser. Thoughts please.
That's not helping you.
I read the stories when everyone says God forgives
What about the other stories that say God helps those who help themselves?
I’m a binge drinker. Which is probably worse then an alcoholic because I actually can stop myself through several months.
It's not worse. The only thing worse than an alcoholic/binge drinker is a dead alcoholic/binge drinker.
This time I drank a full bottle of Vodka at home in my room but was watching a movie and had no intention of drinking until I went out with friends. ... I acted like a completely lunatic. I locked the bathroom door and decided to go out the window. My heart is broken because my boys that are now 18 watched this all and eventually locked me in my room.
That's love in action. It seems they didn't want you to hurt yourself or someone else.
I’m the parent and they have to take care of me.
If you don't like that then change it. Stop drinking.
How low can I be! I have a good life but truely don’t understand where Or what I’m trying to drown out. What if it’s nothing and I’m just a f’ing loser. Thoughts please.
Free.
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Saskatchewan.
Posts: 2,962
Justme8: Sorry you’re hurting.
You're not an f’ing loser, you are a person with an addiction. A compulsion to drink. It is in your chemistry, or biology, whatever the case may be.
If it was easily handled the whole addiction problem wouldn’t be a problem at all, would it.
I have the same affliction.
NO MATTER WHAT....abstinence. NO MATTER WHAT.
It is the only chance we have.
You're not an f’ing loser, you are a person with an addiction. A compulsion to drink. It is in your chemistry, or biology, whatever the case may be.
If it was easily handled the whole addiction problem wouldn’t be a problem at all, would it.
I have the same affliction.
NO MATTER WHAT....abstinence. NO MATTER WHAT.
It is the only chance we have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 16
Thank you everyone! I honestly can say I know it’s one day at a time but first step attend a meeting. No more letting this feeling pass and then convincing myself next time I just need to slow down or no hard liquor. If I don’t drink I never have to feel this way again. I can do this. I know I can.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Yes, you can!
A little amendment to your plan: First step dump all alcohol in the house and don't let any more pass your lips, ever.
There are tons of online meetings - have you found them?
A little amendment to your plan: First step dump all alcohol in the house and don't let any more pass your lips, ever.
There are tons of online meetings - have you found them?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hi there.
i remember being right where you are. I didn’t drink daily, either.
I got very tired of humiliation.
it isn’t how often you drink that defines alcoholism, it’s what happens after the FIRST drink. Don’t take the first drink, only. That’s the only drink you need to avoid.
maybe sometimes you don’t binge drink, and sometimes you do. So you can tell yourself “I don’t always binge drink.” But that means it’s like Russian roulette. Just because most of the bullets won’t be discharged, does that mean it makes sense to point the gun at our heads?
if you’re scaring your sons, it’s time. Let your sons know that you can hold your wisdom and your sanity with you, always. Even if they are already adults, that wisdom is needed. Give that. Be that. Be the sane, peaceful, calm one. I did that, I got rid of my chaos to embrace peace. For all the times I wish I could drink, there are just as many times I’m grateful I am the sane one, the peaceful one, the one others can truly count on now. Become that.
i remember being right where you are. I didn’t drink daily, either.
I got very tired of humiliation.
it isn’t how often you drink that defines alcoholism, it’s what happens after the FIRST drink. Don’t take the first drink, only. That’s the only drink you need to avoid.
maybe sometimes you don’t binge drink, and sometimes you do. So you can tell yourself “I don’t always binge drink.” But that means it’s like Russian roulette. Just because most of the bullets won’t be discharged, does that mean it makes sense to point the gun at our heads?
if you’re scaring your sons, it’s time. Let your sons know that you can hold your wisdom and your sanity with you, always. Even if they are already adults, that wisdom is needed. Give that. Be that. Be the sane, peaceful, calm one. I did that, I got rid of my chaos to embrace peace. For all the times I wish I could drink, there are just as many times I’m grateful I am the sane one, the peaceful one, the one others can truly count on now. Become that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Great wisdom here.
Noone who has lived has no regrets. We addicts tend to have more.
I cannot erase my past, but I can stop it from defining me or my future.
Choose that for yourself and your children. I did and about that, I have no regrets. None at all.
Noone who has lived has no regrets. We addicts tend to have more.
I cannot erase my past, but I can stop it from defining me or my future.
Choose that for yourself and your children. I did and about that, I have no regrets. None at all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2020
Posts: 3
That's exactly how I was. I never was physically addicted and could go weeks or months without a drink but usually lasted 1-2 weeks between sprees. I would drink a fifth of 100 proof vodka and blackout. Lost a really good job because of this. It's just the progression of the disease and I knew I had a problem but never did anything about it. I learned to drink like that in a fraternity in college. Others stopped doing that but I persisted into my 30's. I understand the self loathing but the only thing that minimized my shame was stopping. I went to AA meetings daily for years because I didn't trust myself not to get drink again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: England
Posts: 674
I haven’t read the replies, but your first post is just me all over, wtf is wrong with us, I’m so ashamed and embarrassed, I’m the parent too, and now asking my children for help, it’s so wrong, last night was the best for me, I currently live alone, did have police here, yet again, not because I committed a crime, they come to check I’m alive I think
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