Dee74

You've come a long way tho

I used alcohol to help me sleep for years - I got through that.
You can get through this too, I reckon

Stayingsassy

LPG,

yes I have mentioned New Orleans before! Here’s how whacko and out of touch AV is, Nola isn’t even allowing to-go cups right now due to COVID, so even if I wanted to escape that way, I couldn’t.

was thinking today of the enormous amounts of alcohol I’d drink, the deep blackouts I’d enter, the boundaries slipping away between me and everyone else, the irrational thinking, how everything was just so magnified. Fear, joy, pain, despair; booze made it all larger than life, and when the darkness gets larger than life, that’s the very definition of trouble. Life isn’t always about the fun, as alcoholics we got to magnify the worst of life, too. There are blessings to living somewhere in the middle of all the extremes.

then I sit here and think about how of course I’d never drink like that again, but of course I would, I’d bring it all back like waking a sleeping demon, and that is what the LIE is.. The lie is right there, still. In your brain, festering, waiting for you to believe it. It will always lie. Liars never change. Don’t marry a liar, don’t befriend one, don’t work with one; and for goodness’ sake, don’t take the drink that liar offers you.

you got this.

Dropsie

Thanks Sass. Spot on.

The cards are stacked against us addicts as we are into the short game, but the AV is into the long game.

It has patience. It waits until we start to feel confident, normal and then uses that very confidence against us.

You got this, you can have a drink it says... and we so want to believe it, even though we know its a lie. We have forgotten on some level just how bad it was. Just how much the dark outweighed the light.

I would love to know just how this all works, but for now its enough to just know it does.

So I ignore it, listen politely whatever works.

But it takes me back to what I wanted to say. Remember always that recovering addicts are the strongest people on earth. We have overcome all of this and continue to do so every day. We have used it to learn about ourselves etc.

Tell your AV that the next time it comes to call.

snitch

I use the 12 steps of AA to treat my alcoholism. I havent had a drink for over 2 years and I have zero desire for one. The obsession has been completely removed. Which is a miracle for an alcoholic like me. The programme works if you work it. I am living proof of that.

🙏❤

SpankedbyLife

Didn't see the op but I know what you feel like, I feel like I'm the biggest loser here. 2017 I went sober for an entire 27 days or so after 3 days in the ER for severe withdrawal, as severe as it can be without seizures or hallucinating at least. Caved in and drank because while I have fun sober I miss watching youtube anime music video drunk. I'm pathetic at 38 and am still single with social anxiety. Was in the ER 4 times between July-Oct 2017 for withdrawal. The first time being the worst, the other 3 were most likely actually bad hangovers and alcohol poisoning. Been drinking for pretty much 3 years again with a few days off when I say I'm gonna quit. This last June after Memorial day was the longest I was sober since 2017, an entire 9 days. Since then I can barely go 30 hours sober. It doesn't matter how great I feel or anything, I just crave that drink. People who say fight that craving for 20 minutes and it'll go away are full of ****, it doesn't just magically disappear. I can fight a craving all day long no matter what I'm doing, it doesn't just go away like magic from distraction.

Dee74

Sorry to hear that cravings are that rough for you SBL

if you have anxiety and you’ve always treated that anxiety by drinking it’s tough to know where craving starts and the other ends.

Still It looks like you can get some sober time up even with your anxiety and I encourage you to try and do that again. Seeing someone about your anxiety could help too perhaps?

D

Stayingsassy

Hi spanked,

you can live with that craving and still not drink. The craving is worse sometimes and better other times, overall it gets easier as time goes on.

but the point is, you can want something; and still not do it.

If you think about other parts of life: We want things but decide not to do them all the time. Food, sex, laziness, avoidance of responsibility, we fight these things off a lot, no? What the craving is differs from person to person but we don’t do lots of things in order to be civilized people.

drink is the same. If you can’t handle the drink, you don’t drink. That’s been a well known fact for thousands of years, that some of us can’t handle the drink. It’s as old as time. I’m one of those. Not drinking is something I keep to like showing up for work, deciding not to spend all day in bed, deciding not to have affairs, trying not to let my weight get out of hand, lots of things. I can’t drink responsibly, it’s never been possible, so I don’t drink. It’s nonnegotiable.

once you get another detox done and you just “want it” but you aren’t choking them down to avoid the shakes anymore, keep that in mind. It’s just something you have to do, like all the other things you have to do and over time, you’ll accept that.

Dropsie

I feel exactly the same as Sass.

Lots of things I just don't do and drinking is one of them.

No need to debate it as I just don't do it. I dont pretend I would not sometimes want to do it, but I dont and wont because .. well.. I dont drink.

Not trying to make it sound easy as it is not, but it is simple.

Dont kick my dog, dont drink.

Lpg

Sassy non negotiable I like that,for some reason that just sums it up for me. I know I shouldn't give the AV an inch. It is hard though & dropsie your right it does wait till we are comfortable again, I feel like any time I'm doing good the sneaky little sh*t trys to talk in my ear again.

Dee I've done some time this week without smoking and I can say it has helped curb cravings a bit. I've been stressed out to the max this week & today it did start back up again the cravings but I took myself out for a walk.

Spankbylife I'm sorry your having a hard time fighting those cravings too, it is hard and it's a nasty cycle, they are worth fighting through though or I beleive I would have caved in to them by now. Social Anxiety is the worst that's my problem too that amongst other things childhood trauma, ptsd. You are not pathetic & your not alone, I understand escapism but it doesn't work long term for me. I'm still holding on for those better days.
​​​​​​

Stayingsassy

I wanted to point out that I did a quit with marijuana in 2016, even went to outpatient detox every day but I was unable to stay sober, and I could have just not been ready or; that marijuana could have kept my brain in “drugged escape” mode, which feels a lot like the booze and also just keeps you from facing things.

Lpg

Yeah I feel like it's holding me back definitely. I only picked up marijuana 4 years ago when I first started to realise I had a problem with drink, I started using it so I could lessen my alcohol intake and cravings... In turn ended up with another addiction.

My problem with weed is I love it, I love what it does for me and it doesn't really impact my life in a negative way... Until recently with wondering if its sending my av crazy. No point lying about how I feel about it, but I wonder how I can move forward from that to quit it too? I'm not saying that as an advocate for it, just trying to explain how I feel about it.

Stayingsassy

i totally understand. Ive even had thoughts that I wished weed worked for me. I never liked the high that much (felt more stupid than high) and I think it made me relapse but I won’t speak for everyone else. You’re almost 3 years sober so maybe it’s not the issue, maybe it is. Only you can make that decision, I know it’s frowned upon here and there’s even a forum here to help quit it. I’ve had to find all kinds of other things to learn to relax, Epsom salt baths, exercising in the heat, fasting for long periods, etc. I find myself looking to alter my mental state, it just is who I am, so I’m not going to say what others should do but there is nothing wrong with self examination.

Obladi

Lpg, I can't help but notice the correlation of what you say about weed to what virtually everyone here could say about alcohol. "I love drinking. It wasn't causing problems in my life... until it did."

O

Lpg

Sassy I can't really say 'sober' as such, I mean smoking weed is defo still not 100% sober and I do feel like iv messed up in taking it up for sure. My personality is addictive, I was just looker for an easier way than hardcore soberity. Anything to end that nightmare with booze, or that was my ideas in the beginning. I should probably have tried some things from your list lol.

Obladi yes I see your point, I had a love hate relationship with drink. I loved the first few drinks but then it caused major problems in my life from the very beginning, I always drank the same... To blackout. I hear people taking about how drinking got worse, but I blackouted even in my teens. I just couldn't stop doing it. Anyway iv still not smoked, had major sweats last night, think it's coming out my system. I'm craving it really badly. Trying to make it through without giving in

Lpg

Iv also been considering restarting my sober time, from now if I quit weed

But it's making me think badly about booze.... Thoughts like, if I'm resetting... One for the road. Stupid I know that damn voice.

Dee74

Maybe don't bother with day counts then?
simply before and after addiction?

D

Lpg

Yes might have to. I don't really look at days counts anymore anyway I always have to Google it, how many days since.... Date
so it shouldn't matter to me.

​​​

nez

Right now you have put 2.9 years distance between you and your last one for the road. Why would you want to shorten that distance just because you are going to reset your sobriety date to include when you put pot down. I just have trouble wrapping my head around that because I remember all to well how hard it was to earn even an inch of distance from my last drink.

Stayingsassy

oh wow. This sounds like my food addiction. I do sugar or alcohol. When I put the sugar down I start romanticizing booze. Currently, I do all sorts of weird things like fasting for 3-5 days so I can compartmentalize the sugar in my life without the weight gain and depression that goes with it, cause I know i can’t drink, but if I quit sugar for good I feel like I will drink.

why do we do this nonsense.

Obladi

Yup, that damned voice. It's manipulative, sneaky, and has no morals. "Might as well drink since you just decided you weren't really sober at all. We can start again tomorrow."

It doesn't give a flying fruit loop where that half-witted thought may lead you...